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Scandal S02E17: "Snake in the Garden"

“I like how you answer the phone with ‘What?', that you always seem to be wearing white, and that for you, wine seems to be a food group.”

Can somebody tell me why psychos always have the best lines? Maybe if a guy is masquerading as your fantasy on full-time basis in order to better monitor your life via secret cameras and fake relationships for the benefit of some shadowy government-overturning force, he puts more effort into observing the little things about you and saying the things that will twist your psyche like a puppet on a string. In my case, that would be Jack saying, “I like how you’ve not been able to find your phone for almost a week, that you always seem to be wearing clothes from the kids' section of Target, and that the floor of your car is two feet deep with little Arrowhead water bottles.”

Last night’s Scandal really filled its plate with some heaping helpings of crazy: The murder of the head of the CIA and the president being borderline alcoholic in and of themselves might have been a finale-sized feast for a lesser show. But this is Scandal, and there is filler to be sown amongst the rapid reveals, lest the total anarchy this administration is headed for hit Fake Washington before Season 3. In this case, that filler took the form of a fake kidnapping and a Van Gogh reference.

Generally the one-off stories are throwaways, but Scandal did something commendable last night, bringing in an established character from the Defiance arc so that there were relationships with Olivia and the Gladiators already in place. Hollis, my favorite Angry Southern Stereotype on TV right now, did a great job not giving an eff about his daughter’s kidnapping until an ear showed up, and then giving her her birthright while falling to emotional pieces in the fourth act. The weakness with the storyline was that it was obvious from the beginning that the girl had kidnapped herself. For starters, she frequently looked off-camera and then quoted something the kidnapper had allegedly said to her during periods of complete silence. I appreciate the dedication it takes to saw your ear off to buy shoes and poppers, but couldn’t she have recorded some threats on a vocoder and cut that into the ransom video? Addicts get so lazy with post-production details.

I also loved Olivia’s no-patience speech about how she wasn’t just a spoiled little rich girl, she was straight-up stupid not to take her parents up on a second chance after what they’d put her through. I myself constantly fight the urge to shake the shit out of people like that, and this was intertwined well enough with Jake’s promise of a “do-over” to give it tons of emotional resonance.

The Fitz-is-a-lush plotline was less successful. I appreciated that it gave us twenty minutes of Mellie running around scheming and traumatizing Fitz’s secretary, and that it was ultimately another tribute to the deep connection between Olivia and Fitz, but for all of that to pay off in a reveal that Fitz is emotionally abusive to his children? Yikes.

And a half-hour speech from Mellie about “Big Jerry” and everyone tip-toeing around the White House trying not to get on Fitz’s bad side? (What else should they be doing, if you don’t mind me asking? He is in charge. I’ve had to ‘tip-toe’ around Trader Joe’s managers during a work day, I would hope that people tip-toe around the, uh, leader of the free world.)

Between that and Cyrus’s monologue earlier about how History will decide whether he is evil or not, but we are all mere players on this great stage and tomorrow and tomorrow and  tomorrow hath but lighted our way to dusty death etc., the Oval Office is starting to feel more like a Julliard audition room than a place of important international business. If I were Fitz I’d interrupt these people about two paragraphs in, tap “The Buck Stops Here,” and say, “Our Town auditions are Wednesday. Get back to work.” But that’s just the nature of Scandal: big awesome speeches for big awesome actors. Cyrus and Mellie gave great performances delivering their speeches! I’m just starting to question the president’s conversational acumen if he finds himself on the receiving end of a tearful, hate-filled lecture three times a day.

Still, aside from these content potatoes in our juicy Liv & Fitz/government takeover burrito, there were enough revelations and insanity (brains splattered on a window, Jake creeping in Liz's apartment and turning all her secrets over to Fitz) to keep me happy. But what about you, viewers?! 

QUESTIONS:

… Jake: Is his relaish with Olivia something that's developing in spite of, or because of, his double agent role?

… Fitz: a common drunkard or is Mellie playing with his mind and "gaslighting" him?

… What drama series would you say packs the biggest emotional punch? Scandal or…?

… Do you know any truly spoiled rotten rich kids?

... Did you get a bad vibe from Jake all along or did last night take you completely by surprise?

... Do crazy guys always have the best pick up lines?

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Scandal S02E03: "Hunting Season"

Is Scandal more or less delightful in an election year? I'm on the fence. With all the talking heads, juicy debates, and continuous political coverage happening in real life, it may be that our brains are at a saturation point with politicking politicos, thus making it almost impossible to care about fake ones. Last night's episode opened on some talking heads on a fake news show and my inner voice whispered, "I need a vacation from this vacation!"

Still, it's not like the politics of Scandal bear any relation to what's going on currently in the real world: a Republican Bill and Hillary, essentially, and lots of HOLLERING! Olivia hollered at everyone last night! Usually Olivia spends part of the episode whispering and part of the episode silently incapacitated by a deep love for Fitz before hollering at a couple people. Last night, the shout switch never got flipped off. A wrathful Ms. Pope shouted at:

– all of her devoted employees

– Top TV network executives

– a client she believed was in mortal danger

– a senator who politely asked her to the ballet

– the President of These United States

She spent the episode on edge after a man who looked like the real-world version of Family Guy's Quigley appeared in her back seat and told her the U.S. government was doing that one thing Batman did in The Dark Knight, spying on everyone in the U.S. via their cellphones and laptops so the government could have access to everybody's secrets. And also THEY KNEW ABOUT THE LATE-NIGHT PHONE CALLS!!! Yes Olivia and Fitz's late-night gossip sessions are practically a matter of public record! The one place she could really let down her hair and laugh about the nation's pastor: no longer safe.

So Quigley became this week's client and the show cued its typical "Rollickin' Motown" underneath a rapid-fire explanation of who and what Quigley/Thorngate was. Frankly, the combination of Sorkin-speak and irresistible bounce and the unmistakable lyrics of "Let me tell you it's always cool / And the boss don't mind sometimes, if ya act the fool / At the car wash / Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa" etc. dovetailed my consciousness in such a way that no information passed through my brain.

I mean, not even stuff like "I am sitting on a couch." It was like hypnotism or something, my cerebral cortex was tied up and twisted like a skirt in a Dave Matthews song. Sound editors: No lyrics in background music, PLZ. Luckily, Scandal is not the kind of show that needs you to genuinely care about the information at hand, all you have to do is appreciate the leader of the free world's lip quivering when he realizes his lady love brushed shoulders with her ex-boyfriend.

Ladies, we have GOT to STOP liking it when guys are super possessive. I know it's kind of hot in theory but it leads to abuse and limited opportunities and in this case, a senator getting basically fired? And also a hunting trip? As much as Cyrus is a poisonous Iago set on murdering young interns, I do like that he finally acknowledged Fritz's rage problem in his weekly monologue.

Cyrus knows that when the president is gwumpy it's probably from starvin' for Olivia, so Cyrus essentially KIDNAPPED Olivia so the president could have some quality time with her during his hunting trip. The moment we have all been waiting for for WEEKS—these two getting some alone time—was spent with the two of them running up a hiking trail shouting at each other. (After the POTUS lovingly dropped to one knee, took off Olivia's sensible chunky heels, and laced her into some duck boots. Why do I feel like this is Shonda Rhimes' ultimate romantic fantasy? "We need a scene where he slowly changes her into more comfortable shoes. Trust me.") Still, I wish they had spent part of their long shouted argument holding still; it looked pretty exhausting to walk at a clip uphill while hollering: "YOU ARE SPYING ON THE AMERICAN PEOPLE THAT IS AN IMPEACHABLE OFFENSE!" "YES BUT BATMAN DID THE EXACT SAME THING IN THE DARK KNIGHT!"

Until the President grabbed Olivia and passionately kissed her.

(Ladies, we have also GOT to STOP finding it attractive when men impetuously grab us and kiss us in a smouldering rage although I am right with you here it is pretty hot.)

It did make we wonder, would the Secret Service restrain the president from sexually assaulting a lady or are they always on "his side" no matter what?

Olivia was able to hold her own by telling the president, "I am NOT YOURS!" and blowing out of those woods (duck boots still on). For an in-person reunion, it was not as effective as some of the times we saw them together in Season 1, but I will take what I can get with these two they ARE Lizzy and Darcy 2K12.

So anyway, the client actually double-crossed Olivia (which they found out in part because he was somehow connected to a rental car rented by "Will B. Watching." This is just what elite government conspiracies are known for, their sly puns.), and then engineered his own escape and embarassed the Popers in front of the NSA and major TV networks, so Huck had to hunt him down and kill him.

Meanwhile, the FLOTUS, who was rocking a crusty blowout for most of the episode, did a sort of about-face on Olivia. Whereas previously she had demanded Olivia attend to her husband's needs and keep his rage from boiling over, she had a truly terrible speech (sorry, but it just sounded soooo written, so so so written and soapy and written) about how she would blow him away if he was with Olivia again and her political future and she and her baby would take him down etc. etc. I think Millie was a more effective character when she icily did not give an EFF about her husband and was having an awesome affair with a gray-haired guy. I don't like that Millie had an emotional breakdown, but I do like that this is hopefully the end of the needy, insecure, emotional, "Maybe we could make this work!" Millie. She's so much more effective when she's just a conniving robot.

Finally, Quinn needs to STFU about her name being Quinn and her not being a liar. Basically every time she piped up last night I just laughed at my TV, "HI PSYCHO!" because she is legit a psycho. She walked out of a hotel into a new life yet somehow is not a liar? I agreed with everything the redhead bitchily snapped at her and when Quinn told her off at the bar she sounded ridiculous. "I'm not a liar!" Everything ABOUT you is a lie. You are DEFINITELY Lindsay.

Then the redhead had sex with the DA, which, you know, poor thing. Does the redhead have THE WORST ROLE ON SCANDAL?! This may clinch it.

QUESTIONS:

– Too much hollering or not enough hollering?

– Was the president's rageful kiss incredibly romantic or borderline sexual assault?

– Do you fear the government spying on you or do you pity the poor gov't employee who would have to go through your stuffed inbox and watch you picking wedgies all day?

– ThornGate: basically the exact same premise as The Dark Knight, right?

– Would you find it romantic or upsetting if the man you loved laced you up into some duck boots?

– Is Scandal more or less fun at the height of the election madness?

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Scandal S02E01: "The Other Woman"

'The Nation's Pastor' dies facedown on top of his mistress.

A Pregnant FLOTUS begs for forgiveness.

A high ranking Washington insider photoshops a picture of a mass grave and passes it off as intel.

Immaculate pearl-colored suits.

IT MUST BE TIME FOR SCANDAL.

This week's "The Other Woman" storyline existed almost solely to give Olivia the chance to show the audience that she is NOT OKAY with having an affair. Deep in her heart, it's not what she wants to do, but love is love and the President is the President, even if he does complain he's more like a prisoner of the Crown Jewel of America's prison system. (AKA The White House, which has its own movie theatre, airplane, and brewery last time I checked. Fritz is so emo.)

After Olivia's team of morally flexible gladiators in suits moved a 300+-pound pastor back to his home so he could be found dead in his bed as opposed to dead on top of his mistress of 15 years, Olivia spent the rest of the episode whispering the word "Mistress" with all the coy intrigue of a Parisienne Viscountess. "She was hiz miztress, zat is zee way of zee whirl. Oui, she love him, and he love her, but what iz zere to be done? Such is Parizzz." That was basically the subtext. It also allowed Satan's FLOTUS, Millie, a moment of humanity as she comforted the Pastor's wife (expertly played by Lorraine Toussaint) as Olivia listened, chin trembling, behind a door.

Millie's argument that they were still partners and a mistress is nothing because WIFE was oddly hollow and undercut further by a scene in the car where she begged Fritz for forgiveness and he clasped her hand and gave her a Patriarchal blessing and then went back to reading his Emo Newsletter.

The moment of overheard psychological knife-twisting would lead Olivia to race to the Mistress's house (who was demanding more money for her silence as the pastor's high-profile funeral loomed) and have an Other Woman huddle that was waaaay sexier than the wife huddle. Then she brought the mistress and the mistress's illegitimate kid with the pastor to the funeral and in a genuinely touching moment the Pastor's widow took her arm as she walked down the aisle during the processional out of the funeral. (Genuinely touching…although also a good way to blow the pastor's cover.) So yeah, honestly all of that was pretty great and well done and looked fantastic. We even got a moment where Olivia and Fritz made eye contact in the same room at the funeral and practically set the place on fire.

Funeral boners are the greatest of faux pas, Mr. President, so control yourself.

The whole being-in-the-same-room thing was extra welcome because their phone conversations have been so cute. At first I super hated the phone conversations but the whole idea of 23 people having to stay up and Mr. President being okay with it and the genuinely brilliantly intimate tone the actors bring to it is kind of adorable. With 2 caveats:

1. How could Olivia reveal such a whopping huge state secret as the way she found the pastor over the phone? Has she not had enough experience with phone bugs and tapping and spying to realize someone, anyone, could be listening in on the so-called "secure line"?

2. The "cleansing bout of laughter" between Fritz and Olivia was really weird. It was kind of off and they cut back and forth waaaay too many times and it felt like the last take of the day. Like, there is no question that these people are not really laughing:

Knock it off, you two we know you're both utterly, untouchably humorless and that's the way we like it. Get stuck in an elevator together already.

Also, it looks like Quinn is living with Olivia, on Olivia's couch, so they can have more of their every-episode hissy fits at each other.

Quinn seemed to fill the position not so much of a roomie as a dog, with Olivia asking Huck to check in on her because she was getting "stir crazy" (take out the stir and you got it!). Huck found Quinn had escaped the apartment and ran away, so he grabbed a container of her food and went up and down the street shaking it.

Quinn had flown out to Forks, to meet with her estranged father for flapjacks and seemed offended that he was questioning her innocence. Yo, Quinn: you were accused of bombing a building and then you disappeared for YEARS with no explanation. Cut the guy some slack. He asked his ladyfriend to make you up a bed, so he's not disowning you, he just probably won't be down to shoot off some fireworks anytime soon.

Quinn was later shown sobbing while watching the pastor's funeral. Sack up, ho! Or mourn for a famous figure, whatever, this was kind of an intense moment to just throw in there.

You know who should be sobbing for reals is Abby. She seriously has the worst job of all the Pope-ettes/cast of Scandal. Every episode finds her racing through a room talking at an extra or yelling at a prop phone or sorting through a garbage bin. She's the first line of contact for all the stuff we really don't care about, and she's become so isolated from all the storylines we do care about, that the tone of her voice makes my brain shut off at this point. It doesn't help that her editorializing while laying out the specs for a case has the same rambling, psycho-energy cadence as the label for Dr. Bronner's soap.

Like give her something to do or at least a massage, cool it down.

And in this environment already chock-a-block with crazies, the D.A. has SLIPPED INTO MADNESS.

Yawn.

More interesting: Olivia met up with a pack of cigarettes in a white wig that was also a Supreme Court judge. Teasingly, Olivia and the Supreme Court Cigarettes eye-f-cked in the mirror and discussed how Quinn had been a cover-up for a larger conspiracy that could TEAR THIS COUNTRY APART…

NEXT WEEK! Hey guys, I'll be watching, you don't have to hook me all hard, I'm already hooked…

That having been said, PROMO LOOKS AMAZING!

…QUESTIONS

…Do you like the POTUS/Olivia phone relationship?

…When she said "Let me go" what does that mean and do you relate?

…Did you feel sympathy for Millie this episode or do you not even care about that bitch?

…Could you forgive your husband's mistress?

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BUSINESS TIME

... You've ruined your pause button by watching Poison Ivy 3 84 times on Netflix Instant Streaming, but now there's something else to watch! ABC has posted the complete first seasons of Revenge, Once Upon a Time, and Scandal to the on-demand service, just in time for you to get caught up before their second seasons premiere later this fall. It seems like ABC is more embracing of the internet as a means to help out its properties, and Netflix is particularly friendly to serialized dramas and binge-watching. Smart move. [Deadline Hollywood]

... Travel Channel has ordered three new reality series. Edge of America will take a look at zany American subcultures and festivals, like Oklahoma's calf-eating festival. Call me when they're eating the testicles right off the calf, then it will be weird. Feed the Beast is another food show about eating food that will give you diarrhea, this time focusing on late-night eateries. Kevin Michael Connolly Project follows Connolly, who was born without legs, as he engages in thrill-seeking activities. [Travel Channel via press release]

... Animal Planet has renewed Call of the Wildman for Season 2, much to the chagrin of turtles. [Animal Planet via press release]

... MTV has renewed Ridiculousness for Season 3, much to the chagrin of everyone. [Deadline Hollywood]

... While you think about getting that leaky sink fixed, Shonda Rhimes has sold another television show, this time to NBC. She's teaming with Grey's Anatomy writer Peter Norwalk for Under the Gun, a drama about a female FBI agent with a darrrrk past. [THR]

... NBC already has a comedy about the White House (1600 Penn) on the way, and now it has a drama in development, too. White House Confidential would be told from the perspective of a young, female doctor and look at both the elite and mundane jobs at the Hizzy. [Deadline Hollywood]

... NBC is also developing Holiday, a single-camera multi-cultural family drama from Californication producer Gina Fattore. The catch here is that we'll only see the family together during holidays. So with 22 episodes in a full season and each episode occurring during a holiday, I'm guessing there will be a Secretary's Day episode near the end of Season 1? [Deadline Hollywood]

... NBC once again (how much money does the network have?!?!?) is developing a legal drama starring Angela Bassett. Vanishing Point, from Source Code writer Ben Ripley, is a legal drama about a supersmart but bitchy lawyer who gets a life-threatening disease that changes her life plan. [Deadline Hollywood]

CASTING NEWS

... The relaunch of Arrested Development will also include Liza Minnelli, who herself is being relaunched by the robotics company that made her. [TV Guide]

... Alfre Woodard is going from playing Lafayette's mom on True Blood to playing Bennett's mom on Private Practice. Woodard. Look for her in a November episode. [EW]

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