Showing posts with label Terrible. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Terrible. Show all posts

Hannibal Series Premiere Review: The Mind Can Be A Terrible Thing to Taste

Hannibal S01E01: "Apertif"

In a more sensible world, NBC's new drama Hannibal would be called Graham, after the real main attraction of the show. But television, particularly television that's created by NBC, is a business first, a business second, and a business third (and at NBC it's a bad business, if 2013 has been any indication), so marketing trumps sensibility when dollars are involved. And who would watch a show called Graham anyway? Hannibal does have a marketable heavyweight behind it in the legend of Dr. Hannibal Lecter, a character made somewhat well-known by Thomas Harris's novels and outright infamous by the film The Silence of the Lambs. But so far Hannibal, which debuted tonight in NBC's Thursday 10pm death slot, is really all about that other guy, FBI agent Will Graham. 

It's Graham, played sharply by British actor Hugh Dancy, who lifts Hannibal above the crop of other serial-killer-based series that've sprouted in this early midseason (Fox's lame The Following and A&E's sorta-okay Bates Motel also center on killers or would-be killers). The opening of the pilot is a stunner; Graham, on the scene of a grisly double homicide, virtually inhabits the mind of the killer and works his way through the murders as if he'd held the gun, pulled the trigger, and delighted in the expired life that resulted. Dancy goes off to a distant place, has an out-of-body experience in his head, and reluctantly frolics in the playground of his imagination. See, Graham has one of those few traits that television often starves its characters of: empathy. In fact, he's got so much empathy, you can't even begin to imagine what he feels like (but he could). He can tell what killers are thinking just from the way a body is left hanging from a set of antlers (gross) or how an organ was replaced within a body or whatever other sick things his job brings up. It's detective work, but it's just different enough from what we're used to seeing to make the format feel new.

Those who chase serial killers and criminals on television today are typically powered by some heightened form of deduction, turning them into a kind of super detective. They flaunt their ability in front of others, because let's face it, it'd be a pretty cool bar trick to piece together someone's backstory from the contents of their purse, as Elementary's Sherlock can. But Graham's prize for high levels of empathy is crawling through the filthy muck of of serial killers' minds, and his emotionally taxing routine of replaying their gruesome acts has him straddling victims and choking the life out of them or putting slugs into their brains. It's not exactly like Patrick Jane's Mentalist squint or Carrie Wells' Unforgettable memory trance. This is life-shortening experience transference, the kind of work strain that follows you home and chips away at your soul. And unlike his profiler counterparts on other shows, Graham isn't able to use his ability in the real world because of neurosis and crippling social anxiety, "somewhere between Asberger's and autistics," and it's a consistant and terrible reminder that maybe he understands serial killers better than he understands normal people. It's like having the voice of one of the Four Tenors, but only being able to use it in the shower.

This makes Will Graham a far more compelling centerpiece than, say, The Following's Ryan Hardy (zzzzzz...), whose setbacks (alcoholism, a pacemaker) are wearily mundane by comparison. Graham is a character with persistent flaws, Hardy is merely a persistently flawed character. Graham has to constantly live with his problems, whereas the writers of The Following can turn Hardy's on and off as they please and as it fits the story. Plus, does Hardy pick up stray dogs and give them baths!? I don't think so.

However, most viewers will come to Hannibal for the Hannibal, and this incarnation of the grisly gastronomist is a much more subdued dude. Danish actor Mads Mikkelsen, known by most Americans as the bad guy from the Bond flick Casino Royale, lets most of Lecter's pre-established reputation do the work in the pilot episode, as Mikkelsen stands mostly quiet and reserved—a brilliant decision. We all know who Hannibal Lecter is, and it would've been a huge mistake for the series to oversell the character or reimagine him for today's audience. The monster beneath is hiding in plain sight, and our knowledge of his culinary preferences is all we need to be fearful him. And in case we need a little kick in the ass, interstitial bits of a prim-and-proper Lecter noshing on some liver medallions or lung fritters are there to remind us. Mikkelsen is also allowed to keep his Dutch accent, and even though it makes for a few indecipherable phrases, the thick consonants class up Lecter's intellect and make him seem more professorial, which is key to his charisma. 

What will make the series worth watching is the odd relationship between Lecter and Graham, two geniuses in their own right who are engaged in a game of cat-and-mouse in which we're not sure who's doing the meowing and who's nibbling on the cheese. Lecter likes to prod and test Graham's ability and patience, as he does when they first meet and when Lecter puts out his own copycat murder. Though Graham's a champion mind-invader himself, he gets grumpy when others try to psychoanalyze him, and Lecter picks up on that quickly and exploits it. But I suspect that, as the series moves forward, the two will have to work together to catch other bad guys, and their success will be all over the map given Lecter's propensity for unpredictability. In tonight's episode, Lecter gave the killer a heads up for reasons unknown, though I'm guessing it was just to make Graham's life as difficult as possible.

Lecter is the wildest of wild cards and a sociopath whose inconsistency is the perfect foil for Graham's high levels of empathy. It's the unstoppable force and the immovable object catching bad guys! Try as he might, Graham will probably never be able to understand Lecter, and Lecter is so fascinated by Graham that Graham will become Lecter's favorite plaything. It's a set-up that sounds great now and should pay off big early on, but there are questions of how long the two can bicker before their disagreements become tiresome. There's going to have to be some serious relationship development along the way as the two get to know each other better, and I think that's exactly what will happen. The bigger obstacle will be dealing with the idea of a serial killer working in secret with the FBI's greatest criminal profiler and not getting caught. But hey, a chump like Dexter Morgan did it for six seasons, so Lecter should have at least a season and a half in him.

It's a good sign for the show that the first things I wrote about in this review were the characters, but Hannibal's tone and feel are just as important to its overall canvas of creepiness. Creator Bryan Fuller (Wonderfalls, Pushing Daisies) dips his brushes into that wonderfully perverse brain of his and paints effectively, with dark tones and splashes of red to set the mood to uncomfortable and squeamish. But the violence here isn't egregious like the gore-porn of The Following (sorry to compare the two again, okay fine I'll try to stop). Instead, and I don't want to start anything up with the air-tight asses of the Parents Television Council here, it's kind of... beautiful. Pools of blood retract in reverse motion, arteries spray red at quarter speed, and corpses are placed in elegant poses like murdered fashion-model mannequins. It's violent imagery that draws the eyes in instead of poking them with needles. Shout-out to director David Slade (who also directed the pilot for last year's late-season NBC Thursday 10pm slot show, Awake) for making it flourish. 

The problems that did arise in the pilot had to do with the case of the week. But if there are going to be problems, it's best to have them with the weekly procedural format, especially in the pilot. We don't care about the case so much in the introductory hour; however, as long as we're talking about it, it wrapped up rather quickly, didn't it? Once Lecter and Graham easily identified the suspect, they hurried to his house and shot him. Bang bang bang! Case closed! And you have to wonder why Graham, a mentally unstable agent who should be under close supervision, and Lecter, a mere psychological consultant, are out in the field alone together chasing bad guys in the first place. Shouldn't they have training wheels for a bit? Would you let a guy who acts and dresses like Hannibal Lecter run free with a wackjob agent like Graham? Is this the FBI or Police Academy? 

Midseason shows are usually midseason shows because expectations are low. But Hannibal took advantage of low expectations and became one of the most pleasant surprises of the season. Due to its subject matter and one bitch of a cursed time slot, it might not be an outright hit, but it has a chance to become NBC's best show of the season and one of the better new entries in all of television if it can maintain a majority of the pilot's great start. 

NOTES

– I didn't even mention Laurence Fishburne, who plays third fiddle to Dancy and Mikkelsen.

– Who takes care of Graham's dogs when he's out on business? And didn't that dog he picked up have a leash? Is Graham just stealing other people's dogs? I must know more about these dogs!

– Lecter had Graham eat human flesh LOL great workplace prank, gotta try that on my boss sometime. [Ed. Note: Dear Tim, we're never sharing a meal together ever again, xoxo, Jen]

– A couple WEIRD casting choices that I dig: Dan Fogel (of the late Man Up) as Lecter's weeping patient, and Scott Thompson (Kids in the Hall) as a very serious agent who knows a bit about birds. 

– A welcome return to American television for Caroline Dhavernas (Wonderfalls), whose plays Alana Bloom. I'm not sure how her character fits in, but any Caroline is better than no Caroline! Unless it's via her previous outing, ABC's dreadful Off the Map.

Follow TV.com writer Tim Surette on Twitter if you want to: @TimAtTVDotCom

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Partners' Series Premiere: Fresh and Funny, or Lazy and Regressive and Idiotic and Terrible?

Partners S01E01: "Pilot"

Where does one even begin to evaluate a three-camera sitcom these days? The mere presence of a laugh track in 2012 is basically the producers declaring, "This is not art. Don't think about it. We'll tell you when to laugh." Sure, there have been some high quality—even important—three-camera sitcoms throughout TV history, but man has it been a while since the last one. Was it Seinfeld, a show that eschewed common farcical plotlines for something more esoteric? Or was it Will & Grace, the sitcom brave enough to have a gay man as its titular lead? But let's be honest, the modern sitcom vanguard features no laugh tracks. Larry David no longer needs one and neither do we.

Partners, though, comes from Max Mutchnick and David Kohan, the brains behind Will & Grace. That series was a much-loved, smart, and often very funny show about a gay man, his best lady pal, and their much funnier friends. So does Partners' pedigree somehow vault it above the grim, populist, ad-selling bonanzas that are Chuck Lorre's current slate of hits? Nope! Partners is very terrible! But the conundrum is that it's also very similar to Will & Grace in tone, energy, and sense of humor. So why was one a classic but the other an embarrassment? As it turns out, we the viewers have grown a lot since Jack McFarland last flitted across our TV screens. What was once risky and forward-thinking is now regressive horse-sh*t. That's Partners.

So right now we can only evaluate Partners based on its pilot (frequently a series' weakest episode), but here's what we have to go on: Two grown men—allegedly successful architects—have known each other since childhood and have presumably been exchanging barbs about their Jewishness and/or gayness every day since. As played by David Krumholtz (as Joe the straight) and Michael Urie (as Louis the gay), the men have a codependent relationship that the show would have us believe is paramount to all others, except that in the pilot a simple misunderstanding caused them to have a COMPLETE FALLING OUT. Like, friendship-ending, business-dissolving falling out. It all began when Joe told Louis (in between terrible, terrible gay jokes) that he intended to break up with his girlfriend Ali (a likable Sophia Bush) because he didn't feel like getting married just yet. But then, once Joe got Ali alone, he decided to propose instead. Despite the fact that Joe and Louis are VERY close (that's the premise of this whole show!), Joe didn't mention to Louis his sudden change in plans (or change in LIFE) at all. So the next morning Louis attended yoga class with Ali assuming that she'd been dumped and accidentally revealed that Joe was originally going to dump her and she did NOT take it well. You know? Louis was simply operating off of the information he was given. A simple misunderstanding that could have been explained in one well-worded sentence. But because this is a terrible sitcom instead of real life, Joe became livid at Louis for ruining everything (and Louis bizarrely agreed that HE was in the wrong, and not, somehow, the monstrous so-called friend whose fault this was in the first place). Anyway, Louis proceeded to use his sassy gay charm to get Ali and Joe back together, save the partnership, and save the friendship. And then everyone enjoyed a nice cup of espresso together at the local coffee shop. Cue laugh track, cue applause.

Just seeing that series of events spelled out on my computer screen makes them seem more reasonable than they came across during the actual show. What's missing, of course, is the overwhelmingly unfunny "I'm a gay!" "I'm a Jew!" type jokes that these characters all speak in. You know how when you get together with a childhood best friend (someone whose very soul you've become intimate with) and you only talk about the most surface-level things about each other? No? Probably because that's not how human beings behave. Obviously sitcoms offer a heightened reality, but good ones do so in the service of revealing human truths. There are no human beings here, there are only idiotic, shallow ciphers who toss off punchlines that seem clever until you think about them for even a second. Like, the slightly racist Latina caricature secretary seems to hate Louis enough that she'd shut him down with "Joke joke joke, gay gay gay, I will cut you," but then in her next scene kindly offer to let him nestle his face in her cleavage? I don't know WHAT was going on there except that it wasn't funny. So what was the point?

Aside from the inherent likability of Sophia Bush, probably the only other thing I liked about Partners was Louis's dummy-hunk boyfriend Wyatt (Superman Returns' Brandon Routh), whose obliviousness toward basic reality (and especially Louis's overt hatefulness) suggest that he might have mental problems. Though Routh refreshingly plays Wyatt without a stereotypical gay affect, the writers do him no favors by turning him into a stone-cold idiot. A repeated joke in which Wyatt made reference to a heart-shaped pin he was wearing ("I have a heart-on") never made sense in context, and it definitely didn't make sense that he couldn't hear himself saying "hard-on." I don't know. I'm not a comedy doctor, but this joke and others like it just didn't work. Speaking of doctors, Louis's insistence that he was embarrassed that Wyatt was a nurse instead of a doctor was so loathsome as to make me despise Louis. In what world is the repeated job-shaming of a significant other not a dump-able offense?

Another thing: These characters are YOUNG. They are maybe 30. So why do they all speak and behave like wealthy 50-year-olds who grew up in the Catskills? Partners repeatedly betrays a huge disconnect between the type and class of person writing the show (wealthy Los Angeles TV producers—Mutchnick and Kohan based this on their own lives) and the supposedly young, normal people it claims to portray. What young gay man has ever enjoyed Clay Aiken, let alone gotten a tattoo of Clay Aiken on his ass like Louis supposedly did? (Clay Aiken has an older FEMALE fan base, you out-of-touch, aging homosexual millionaires!) And what kind of person in 2012 would be in a relationship with Brandon Routh yet feel the need to lie to others that he is both a doctor and Jewish? Nobody. Not only is this show not an accurate portrait of young people gay or otherwise, it's not even an accurate portrayal of human beings.

In conclusion, I get it. Partners is a sitcom and it's not meant to be analyzed for deeper meaning. Still, I hate this thing, get out of here, Partners!

What did YOU think of Partners' pilot? Will you be tuning in again?


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MTV VMAs 2012: Only Mostly Terrible This Time (PHOTO RECAP)

29th MTV Video Music Awards

You know, I was a teenager once. Sure, I may LOOK like an old man who accidentally shared a teleporter pod with a baby giraffe (it just clip-clopped right inside!), but there was a time when I was not only a fresh-faced teen but I was also VERY into MTV. Like, watching it night and day. OBSESSED. This was back when you had to pay for the internet by the hour and it only came in like two colors, so yeah, I spent A LOT of time watching MTV instead. I loved basically everything about it—the music videos, spring break, The State, the reality shows, Simon Rex—but it was the annual VMA ceremony that was nothing short of an EVENT. Not only was it an expensive spectacle in which many of my favorite artists (who at the time only appeared on TV like twice a year) would arrive and be outrageous, but I genuinely cared about who won.

Now, common wisdom dictates that MTV simply isn't as good as it used to be (aside from its recent victories in the scripted programming department). At least that's what people my age tell ourselves to pretend we're totally cool with going the way of the buffalo. But is it actually true? Obviously the modern VMA ceremony is just a big parade of loud, ugly bullsh*t, but what if it's always been that way? What if the VMAs of our youth were ALSO loud, ugly bullsh*t? What if Fiona Apple's rant about everything being "bullsh*t" was, in itself, bullsh*t? Oh My G, things just got introspectively intense right now! But basically what I'm saying is, maybe we should stop misremembering things as being better than they were? At least One Direction dresses better *NSYNC! Not a single dreadlock anywhere!

That being said, this year's VMAs were terrible. Not all-the-way terrible, and nowhere near as terrible as last year's. But very terrible! If you missed the show, here's basically what happened:

To its credit, with this image MTV did warn us at the outset that this broadcast would be about as valuable as a tore-up sofa in the desert.

The show opened with Rihanna, who came out and "performed" a few songs, and the bizarre visual scheme of her performance was apparently "Anything, Whatever, I'm Tired." Seriously, between her lazy dance moves and the half-hearted lip syncing, I'm surprised she didn't just come out on a queen-sized bed eating a sandwich while dozing off. Next year!

Also a big theme for the night was how often the performers would just kind of amble out into the crowd at random times. Made for great TV!

Clearly Lil Wayne came PREPARED. I'm guessing he was listening to classic Bette Midler but I could be wrong, please don't quote me on that.

So, um. Kevin Hart hosted, and he came out with an entourage of little person bodyguards. Which, I get it, because Kevin Hart is tiny. But also: Little person bodyguards? Is this an '80s comedy?

Look, I like Kevin Hart, but maybe next year write some material? He sort of just came out and yammered about people in the headlines. KStew. Frank Ocean. Cool roasting jokes, guy. I DID laugh when he made fun of MTV for hiring Russell Brand to host TWICE. But not as loud as I laughed when I saw Ashley Rickards' new hairdo:

Man, I hope that's for a role. I really do. (Hey Matty! Hey Jake!)

Okay, I loved this part. Right after Kevin Hart let out this stream of obscenities (all were censored), the camera immediately cut to Taylor Swift and she was INTO IT:

America's favorite tiny-baby country singer is growing up, you guys!

So then Chyna came out and talked trash on everybody. Relax, Chyna. The award was for Best Pop Video, and obviously One Direction won.

I agreed with this guy.

Anyway, I don't hate One Direction. They are very dapper pre-teens! Also one time they told me that I don't know I'm beautiful and that's what makes me beautiful. At the time I was in a grocery store buying frosting because I was feeling sad. But yeah, anyway, One Direction, everybody.

Green Day's reaction to One Direction's speech marked the first time I've related to Green Day since 8th grade.

If you recall, last year's in-house band was Jessie J and her broken foot and so much screaming. Dreamy DJ Calvin Harris and his glowing screensaver-lookin' hut were a step up in my opinion! Credit where credit's due.

Throughout the night we were treated to pre-taped sketches involving Kevin Hart bugging people backstage. In this one he tried to get 2 Chainz to wear additional chains. It was hilarious and everyone passed away from laughing so hard.

Should Lady Gaga just become a full-on horror filmmaker? Because I would see this movie so much faster than I would buy her albums. (P.S. I questioned whether I would comment on the commercials, but then I realized that the VMAs is ALL commercials and I am still LOL-ing at myself for that and also the Kevin Hart sketch.)

A basketball player came out and bragged about being on "the lakers" whatever THAT is. The important thing was how adorable Kevin Hart looked by comparison. Just a tiny toddler baby! Guess who loved this juxtaposition also?

Oh, Weezy. He is a national treasure. Not as much a national treasure as National Treasure, the film. THAT is the ultimate national treasure. #USA

Where were you when you started to tolerate Miley Cyrus? For me it was when I saw her on YouTube covering "On Melancholy Hill" during a concert. But for others it was probably when she showed her UNCOVERED BACK in a fancy magazine. Or maybe it was this haircut? Or maybe when she snagged herself a Hemsworth. Or when her awful dad kinda disowned her? Or maybe never? Yeah, probably never, ya buncha grumps! I like her though. But if we're being real the best part about her is that she hides for 6-10 months a year. It's like that old saying, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder of Miley Cyrus."

Pink's performance involved synth drums, glowing human hearts, wire work, giant lips in garter belts, and a catchy Pink song or two. Not terrible! Still though, I got so annoyed when I saw this:

Ugh, parents who bring their babies to concerts are the worst. We get it, Alicia Keys, you've procreated. So have a hundred billion other people. Take that child home!

I honestly have very little idea who these people were. One of them is going to be a judge on The X Factor and has made a career out of going to rehab and cutting herself and then hiring people to write songs about it for her. The other one is possibly a Scream-era Rose McGowan. I don't know and will never know. They presented the award for Best Male Performer, but you know what was weird? NOBODY WON. So weird. I mean, if someone had won, it probably would've been good exposure for that person's career, and all the people like me writing about it could have contributed to that person's exposure. Oh well. Maybe someone will win in this category next year?

Zoe Saldana, you are too classy for this. Except, OH I SEE what's going on. It's no coincidence: You were here to introduce the single best, classiest performer of the night, Frank Ocean!

There is honestly very little to say about this stunner of a performance except to acknowledge that the set was incredible and Frank Ocean even better. That falsetto! The best part was he basically just took off when he was done.

Well done, Frank Ocean.

This was inappropriate.

This was inappropriate.

Then Drake won for best Rap Performance, which was nice. He seems like a good guy! I'm not sure why Nicki Minaj went onstage with him, but that's fine.

Then One Direction came out and did whatever it is One Direction does. We know that music tastes are cyclical and that a boy band must rise to prominence with each new generation of 12-year-old girls, so, fine. Congratulations, girls! Your post-natal hunks have arrived to weirdly stagger around the stage while attempting to keep up with their backing tracks! That being said, which one is your favorite? The blonde one, the elfin one in the blue, or the future Pete Doherty on the right? I'm going with elfin just because he seems reasonable, like the Posh Spice of the group.

Anyway, the crowd was VERY into it, especially this guy:

And these ladies:

Haha that one gymnast girl is making that face again!

Also, did you notice who the resident mean girls in the room were? I guarantee you these two women were talking the rudest smack all night. Every time the camera cut back to them we knew they were saying hateful things because of how loud Baby Jesus was crying.

I love Rebel Wilson, but we can do better than this, right? However I DID love that she called the dude on the left bisexual out of nowhere and then moved on. Score? Also, are The Wanted basically the cool seniors to One Direction's cool eighth graders?

Then Nicki Minaj won for Best Female Performer and—See what I'm saying? There is NO WAY that Rihanna didn't just whisper the meanest snipe about Nicki Minaj right then. Katy Perry and Rihanna were throwing so much shade all night the Staples Center had to turn on more lights.

I still love Nicki Minaj, not so much for her naked grabs at radioplay ("Starships"), but because she's still basically a weirdo for no reason much of the time. A lot of her acceptance speech consisted of growling, suggesting she'd had some kind of joyful stroke. It was amusing! Just ask this guy:

Wiz Khalifa was not having it. Also, Amber Rose was pregnant. (Why do I even know her name?)

Can't wait CAN'T WAIT.

AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!! WHYYYYYYYYYY???

So then 2 Chainz and Lil Wayne came out and shouted at each other. (I like this part right here where it looked like 2 Chains was concerned for his friend.)

Then a TV commercial one-upped the VMAs by featuring Janelle Monae. It makes me so excited to see her doing things like this because it means she might have a new album out soon, right? RIGHT? Girl, hurry.

Are we certain that Ke$ha isn't Ashley Tisdale? Could someone check on this pls?

I don't know what this was all about. Some YouTube guy. I do know that at this point an earthquake hit my neighborhood and my heart was RACING. So yeah, the VMAs CAN be exciting sometimes.

I promise I am going to read The Perks of Being a Wallflower, but until I do, it's just the movie that features Nina Dobrev but won't show her in the trailer. Looks good otherwise! Not you, Ezra Miller, you look shameful. Anyway, then Green Day came out.

Little known fact about Green Day: Any member of Green Day can walk into any Hot Topic and automatically get a 15% discount on THEIR ENTIRE PURCHASE. 18% if it's a Green Day t-shirt! (The band members give them away as gifts around the holidays.)

Adam Yauch got a jumbo-tron tribute. Very classy. But wait, didn't Whitney Houston also die this year? What was the deal with ignoring this fact?

Then you ran and woke up your little sister because the cast of Twilight came on to introduce their new trailer! The fifth and final installment of our generation's Titanic! From the looks of it, Breaking Dawn Part Two appears to be just another couple of hours of Mormon monster garbage, but there WERE highlights! For example:

Bella tackles A PUMA! I had heard that was in the book, but like the epic wolf argument that came before it, I have a feeling this scene needs to be seen to be believed. CANNOT WAIT.

Also:

Whoa, turn down those high beams, Lautner!

Anyway, at this point the show—and we the viewers—were really starting to lose steam, and neither Wiz Khalifa nor Ke$ha were sober enough to snap us out of this ennui.

At least these two were able to keep each other amused by playing their own private version of the Dirty Dozens. I can't even imagine the haterade they were spraying at this point.

These kids won again, this time for Best New Artist! "Artist." And yeah, it's official, the elfin one is the best one. SORRY DEAL W/IT.

Live it up, ladies! I mean, you are amazing and congratulations again. But let's be real, we've only been putting up with Ryan Lochte's post-Olympics victory tour for this long because there's always the chance that he'll become suddenly naked at any time. But you guys are just going to have to go to college in obscurity. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

Then Alicia Keys came out and yelled at everybody. What was she so mad about??

I did not see this coming, but Nicki Minaj's guest verse was kind of great? See, that's what people tend to forget about this lady. Sure, she's crassly ambitious and spends way too much time pandering to her fanbase (nick-naming your own fans is always a bad sign), but the lady knows how to turn it on when she needs to. "Starships" is ridiculous, sure, but aside from all the costumes and weird music videos, there's still this woman who stole "Monster" out from under Kanye West and Jay-Z. Plus I think she's funny. I like her!

I'd have to be a true monster to snark on this moment: Gabby Douglas doing somersaults and flips while Alicia Keys sang. I thought it was really sweet! You know? I am capable of appreciating others' happiness, and almost nobody has ever been as happy as Gabby Douglas was in this moment.

Katy Perry was clearly stoked for her.

Then Rihanna won for Video of the Year (a prize she'll have to share with the blond heartthrob in the glowing pyramid hut, since he did the music for it). I appreciated the fact that Rihanna didn't seem to be super jazzed about it (or anything, ever). I also love that her accent comes and goes like the ebbing tides beneath Beachy Head. I don't love the song "We Found Love In A Hopeless Place" because it is the worst. Sorry, I don't care about no record sales, it is the worst. I said SORRY. This is not an argument, only the recognition of common fact. But I DO like that part in T.I.'s "Pls Live Your Life" when Rihanna does that reggae rapping, so it all balances out.

To close out the night, Taylor Swift came on and sang a new song about NOT getting back together with a boyfriend. Mature stuff, considering she has not yet experienced the normal life of a human being? Stage moms, managers, and agents setting you up on photo-ops with high profile hunks is not the same thing as falling in love or forging a meaningful relationship. Relax, Taylor Swift. Take a year off, backpack around Europe, enroll in some community college classes, get a minimum wage job at a movie theater. Basically, LIVE LIFE, THEN sing about it.

Also, I GUESS I thought she was a country singer mostly, but it turns out her new material is just some Radio Disney garbage. That's cool, whatever works. I gotta get to bed, my dogs are barkin'.

And that was it! Not entirely terrible. It was fine. No real highlights though, right? Maybe Frank Ocean and possibly the commercial for The Challenge: Battle of the Seasons. Not a total loss!

"VMAs 2012: Not a total loss." - Price Peterson, TV.com

QUESTIONS:

... What was your favorite VMA moment?

... Should we the public be MORE involved in Kristen Stewart's love life?

... What size shoe do you think Kevin Hart wears? (Specify men's or ladies')

... Which member of One Direction is your favorite? Are you prepared to go to jail for your love?


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