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Elementary S01E13: "The Red Team"

Spies and counterintelligence must be tracking well on the giant algorithm machine that tells studio executives what to make shows about, because for the second time Elementary set a story in the little-known, high-stakes world of international espionage with an episode centered on "The Red Team," a phrase which brought me back to my college days where lots of fellow students wore the T-shirt "BE THE REDS!" which I think is grammatically incorrect yet totally charming. Needless to say, the episode was not about a beloved Korean sports team that the secondary characters were members of, but an elite National Secret Service squad that zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Here's the thing: The pitch of "Sherlock, but in New York City!" CUTS GLASS because of how unique NYC is. And New York has the weirdest crimes IRL. Like, just last year alone a sushi restaurant burned down because one of the chefs hoarded gasoline in soy sauce buckets, a father walked into a public school swinging a chain around his head and demanding to fight some 14-year-olds because someone was bullying his daughter, and a building superintendent broke into a tenant's apartment to sex up their dog. (Well, the dog thing happened in New Rochelle, but you see what I mean.) NYC has literal layers of people from every culture in the world who have grown set in their New York City-specific ways and are thrust together in this pressurized atmosphere, and that means the crimes that happen there are like, you know, interesting but instead we're getting mixed up in these big international spy dramas. I mean the climax of last night's episode happened in a seedy motel that looked like it was in Burbank. I know it's roughly $500 million a second to film in New York but Elementary doesn't even TRY to get anything about the city across except for like, hailing taxis. You know they have at least the same money Louie did in Season 1, but that rarely comes through in the cases. Sherlock living in NYC mostly translates to his house looking vaguely like a set from the film version of Rent. And more and more the crimes seem to happen in isolated, non-New York bubble locales, or in largely theoretical worlds like that of secret national service groups, Russian spies, international assassins, etc.

But far be it from me to argue with the computer that runs Hollywood. It's the size of a refrigerator and voice activated and draws on both science AND magic for its computations, and I don't. Maybe I am not smart enough for last night's storyline? I honestly had a lot of trouble following the bouncing ball all the way through. A conspiracy theorist was killed, he had been bugged by Yossarian who said he was a marketing exec and not a spy with a Catch-22 reference code name but this hot team of super spies was being killed off BY OUR GOVERNMENT but they didn't want to talk about it to a Brit/the NYPD because they were proud to die for their country and also the last one alive would have this super valuable information to sell to Page Six and then one of the guys who had a wife in a wheelchair (and was either carrying a boombox or a big purse) decided to everybody else off to save her life and… I'm sorry I suffered this breakdown of understanding where my brain got just straight-up too bored to function and I just started mentally fixating on the shiny parts of the show that caught my magpie's eye. Like Lucy Liu's wet look!

And her boots! This episode was a foot fetishists' fant-ta-ta-saaaay. She was wearing some HOT BOOTS. Sherlock, also, I realized a lot of this show functions as a primer for the freshest in men's sweaters. He had so many holier-than-thou sweaters this week. And he kept doing like little muppet expressions. NOT A COMPLAINT!

It was exasperating how awful the NYPD were. We've seen Sherlock solve the last 11 cases singlehandedly and vindicate Gregson from framing a terrible murderer, and yet they were still icing him out at the station and getting angry at him for helping them out.

Then they horribly accepted his help and let him solve the case after rightfully admitting they were too stupid to sort out a box of Legos let alone a spy ring and then Gregson PUNCHED SHERLOCK IN THE GUT at the end for his troubles. How awful. What a bunch of just terrible stupid thugs. Hopefully the real police department is not as horrible but ever since that one cop tried to meet women online for the express purpose of cooking them I've given up hope on the 5-0. And also one time the LAPD pulled me over under suspicion of being a hooker!

Yes, it's true. I had a 5am shift at a hostel in Hollywood where I worked the front desk and made the hooker mistake of putting on chapstick before hopping out of my vehicle. A car pulled up and did that little "YOPYOP" sound and they pulled me over and wanted to know, "Where are you going, what are you doing, oh you have a job around here? Or really, at this hour? What kind of job? Well go over there and walk in the front door then, if that's the case. Who does that car belong to? Where's your daddy?" and all that kind of commentary. Let me tell you right now, I was NOT dressed the part of a streetwalker I had a giant navy blue crewneck sweatshirt on top of huge baggy jeans and sneakers and wet hair in a pony tail and chapstick. They wrote down my license number and everything! I slumped around feeling like Fantine for the rest of the day. So no, I'm not going to sit here and sing you a lullaby about how IRL as a whole the police are looking after us all day every day because each police department is but a tapestry of individuals and some of those threads are BROKEN.

Loved the bit with the turtle.

ALSO BEES. BEES. Okay, so from last episode, technically the first commenter to call out how I was wrong about the Sherlock's pet hive from the pilot never coming back again was THEOPRATT. I owe you a coke! DM me via this site with an address to send you your prize!

QUESTIONS:

1. What's your personal experience with police?

2. Does Elementary need some more of that "real authentic New York pizza" sort of tone or should it just keep doing its thing?

3. Is Gregson being totally ungrateful for that time Sherlock did his job for free and also that time he let it slide that he had framed a criminal with false evidence?

4. Are you getting tired of all these high-falutin' spy game type plots or are they exciting?

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It takes a special breed of person to produce just ONE hit show, let alone a string of them over several decades. But for obvious reasons, television networks want each new series to be as much of a sure bet as possible. One of the best ways to ensure a hit is to work with producers who've created them in the past. The problem is, too often it seems like mega-producers get TOO MANY shows on the air, perhaps spreading themselves a bit too thin, and, if anything, become just as much of a crapshoot quality-wise as an untested young talent. So we say, take a break, you buncha billionaires! Let's get more untested fresh blood up in our TVs!

So if you were in charge of the universe, which mega-producer would you tell to take a break for a while? Here are at least six people who have no fewer than THREE shows currently airing (or coming up). Make no mistake, all of the people listed below are masters of the industry and respectively brilliant, but perhaps masters should concentrate doing a few things well and not bogarting primetime?

More or less the inspiration for this post just for the sheer number of series he'll be bringing to The CW—a network with only TEN hours a week to program, mind you—Josh Schwartz has in recent years begun to emphasize quantity over quality. Sorry, it just needs to be said. The O.C. was fantastic, Chuck had its charms, and then... well. Then he made more shows. A lot of them. Enough already?

Current Shows: Hart of Dixie (The CW), Gossip Girl (The CW)

Upcoming shows: Cult (The CW), The Carrie Diaries (The CW), Copeland Prep (The CW pilot), Losing Our Cool (Fox pilot)

Who could've predicted that one of the masterminds behind the Britney Spears film Crossroads would become one of the most powerful and prolific writer-producers in TV history? Well, Grey's Anatomy was a deserved hit (at first), but Rhimes' self-plagiarism at ABC started wearing thin a long time ago. Fortunately Scandal has turned into something of a treat, but there's a sizable contingent of viewers who MIIIIGHT have become fatigued by Rhimes' distinctive pretty-girl-sad-times style, you know?

Current Shows: Grey's Anatomy (ABC), Scandal (ABC), Private Practice (ABC)

Upcoming shows: Under the Gun (NBC pilot)

The best thing that can be said about Ryan Murphy is that he doesn't tend to repeat himself and for that reason he's undeniably made the TV landscape a better, more interesting place. But the most damning (and accurate) thing to say about him is that he has a crippling inability to quality-control. Whether it's how dramatically Glee or Nip/Tuck went from must-watch to must-avoid, there's definitely a consistency issue at Ryan Murphy Productions, and constantly generating NEW shows is not the best way mitigate it.

Current Shows: Glee (Fox), The New Normal (NBC), American Horror Story (FX)

Obviously the kinds of shows Jerry Bruckheimer produces aren't the most creatively thrilling ones on television, so nobody's demanding originality here. No, Bruckheimer's shows are mostly mindless, expensive diversions for people who just want to kick back after work. And that's fine! But after a while they've just become interchangeable and the sheer number of them has made TV a worse, more boring place.

Current Shows: CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (CBS), CSI: NY (CBS), The Amazing Race (CBS)

Upcoming Shows: Trooper (TNT pilot), Secret Lives of Husbands and Wives (NBC pilot)

Mark Burnett is in the franchise business. He doesn't just produce reality shows, he produces DOZENS OF SEASONS of reality shows. He's good at it (all the people on this list are brilliant businesspeople) but that doesn't mean we deserve the same old thing over and over. Even people who ASK for the same old thing over and over don't actually deserve it. Let's do better.

Current Shows: Survivor (CBS), Shark Tank (ABC), School Spirits (Syfy), Celebrity Apprentice (NBC), The Voice (NBC), Stars Earn Stripes (NBC)

Upcoming Shows: Romancing the Globe (USA pilot), The Bible (History miniseries), The Job (CBS pilot)

I'm guessing Chuck Lorre already owns several castles by now? Sir, please go chill in one of them. We'll be fine.

Current Shows: Two and a Half Men (CBS), The Big Bang Theory (CBS), Mike & Molly (CBS)

Haha, sorry guys! But real-talk: J.J. Abrams is NOT the surefire bet a lot of us may have once considered him to be. Maybe he's just too scattered with his thriving film career, but it's time to accept that the Bad Robot brand is no longer synonymous with quality. Alcatraz? Undercovers? And don't get me started on his newest Event TV dud Revolution. Mr. Abrams, you are cordially invited to take some time off, regroup, and come back only when you have the time to actually make these concepts actually worth our while.

Current Shows: Fringe (Fox), Person of Interest (CBS), Revolution (NBC)

Upcoming Shows: Untitled Robot Cops Project (Fox pilot)

POLL: WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING TV PRODUCERS
SHOULD TAKE A VACATION ALREADY?

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The Mob Doctor S01E01: "Pilot"

On Fox's The Mob Doctor, Jordana Spiro plays Grace Devlin, a brilliant young doctor forced to work off her dumbass brother's mafia debt due in exchange for the mob not killing her brother. The gig hasn't been anything Grace can't tolerate, with the occasional lunch break dedicated to removing an ice pick from some bumbling underling's skull. That is, until mobster Paul Moretti demands that she straight-up murder a would-be witness for the FBI on the operating table. Naturally, she drew the line because she had principles. Or something.

The Mob Doctor tries very hard to make Dr. Grace into the sort of troubled protagonist that television seems to love these days, a complicated hero with a dark side and her own custom-built moral code, someone who always does the right thing in the end... even when it doesn't look like it. That's all well and good, except Grace Devlin habitually applies her moral code to everyone she interacts with and judges them quite harshly when they don't meet her expectations. That's the sort of character quirk that can get really old really fast. As in, end-of-the-pilot fast.

In an introductory voiceover, Grace explained that she saw her first dead body as a child and unlike most children, she wasn't afraid of the body or grossed out, but fascinated by it. Supposedly, the big reveal in the conclusion, that the body was her alcoholic father's and she was glad to know that he was dead—and therefore unable to hurt her family any more than he already had—was meant to startle us and make us fear the power that the mob doctor wields, as well as, to an extent, help us understand the complicated history that makes her tick. Unfortunately, once we realized that Grace's father wasn't in the picture, the identity of the dead drunk became an obvious one and the idea that a child might not mourn the death of a monstrously abusive parent doesn't speak to the darkness in Grace's psyche that I think we're meant to peek at here.

If anything, the revelation that mobster Constantine Alexander may have had a hand in her father's murder and, when armed with that knowledge and given the opportunity to walk away from her mafia obligations, Grace stayed anyway, might say more about her complicated morality than her childhood fascination with dead things. And for as complicated as her morals are supposed to be, it's her inability to understand how complicated the morals of others can be that makes her truly irritating to behold.

When her boyfriend, played by Friday Night Lights' Zach Gilford, ended up treating a teenage friend of the family who, despite never actually having penetrative sex, found herself pregnant due to an abnormality in her hymen, Grace encouraged him to lie about the nature of the teen's medical treatment to save her from losing a scholarship at a private high school. Was it the right decision? Yes and no. It would have been unfortunate for the girl to lose her scholarship due to the unplanned pregnancy, and yes, her father would have been irate, but there's something unsettling in the idea of a doctor lying to a parent about his child's medical care, not to mention the problem of medical liability. Grace was incapable of understanding where Dr. Brett was coming from, failed to see the gray area in his own little moral struggle, and could only entertain the idea of her side being the "right" side.

Grace faced a similar problem with fellow doctor Olivia Wilcox (Jaime Lee Kirchner), who was reluctant to report their attending physician for overriding her treatment of an 8-year-old gunshot victim, a decision that led to the boy's death. Olivia's stance was harder to justify since the attending's ego trip was truly motivated by exactly that and resulted in tragedy for an undeserving family, but she had her reasons to keep quiet and they were understandable. The daughter of a hospital board member, she carried the unjust reputation as a rat and a suck-up who didn't really deserve her position, from the very beginning of her time at the hospital. It's a flimsy excuse, considering a human being died due to her willingness to look the other way, but if you put yourself in her place, it's not completely out of left field. Grace condemned her, then went around her to report the attending physician herself.

Grace, of course, faced her own conflict with the same sort of moral tunnel-vision that she expects of everyone around her (including her mobster peers, as illustrated by her voicing a sort of childlike disbelief when the supposedly reformed Constantine gleefully revealed his plans to return to the head of the Chicago outfit) and refused to kill the FBI witness laid out on her table. When Moretti took Grace's mother hostage in retaliation for her insubordination, Grace retaliated and the sort of car chase you don't usually see on a medical drama ensued. Grace led Moretti all the way to Constantine's doorstep, where he promptly wasted his snotty successor and reclaimed his rightful place as King of the Mob.

The mob show/medical drama fusion idea probably looked great on paper and in truth, could have been (and still can be) good in practice. I understand that it's essential for Grace to have a high moral code in the face of her decision to keep working with the mob, and that the juxtaposition of conflicting cultures, medicine vs. mafia, has a lot of exploration potential. But Grace comes off as a rather unlikeable hypocrite, while the characters surrounding her fall somewhere between incompetent and dull. William Forsythe as mob boss Constantine is a delightful badass, but I don't think that's what I'm supposed to be tuning in for.

Did you catch the premiere of The Mob Doctor? What did you think? Will you keep watching?

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