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Geez, has another week gone by already? Well, let's talk about some of the awesome and not-so-awesome TV that aired during it, then!

The ABC comedy returned with a talent show full of funnies: The Shays' silly cat dance to "Stray Cat Strut" and Malik's Medium homage reminded us that this series can be totally weird when it wants to be.

Too bad the guys who made it didn't think to invite Aaron Paul to participate.

After a badass silent opening, the episode moved quickly and had tons of action, with just the right amount of personal drama. Plus it set up an interesting new home for the main characters. And ZOMG zombies in riot gear!

It's not hard to believe that transitioning from a human into a vampire has its downsides. But this week's episode of TVD (which was genuinely fantastic) made it very clear: Being a vampire can be awful sometimes!

Your mileage may vary on this one, but fans of Teen Wolf or The Secret Circle (R.I.P.) must have been straight-up elated this week when the actor behind everybody's favorite hunter of witches and werewolves showed up in the Hamptons to hassle one of TV's most annoying characters (Declan obvs.) Fingers crossed for a violent showdown!

It's almost too early to single out any one element from American Horror Story: Asylum's premiere as it felt more like an expensive appetizer plate than an actual meal, but there's one thing nobody can deny: This thing has the best cast on television. From Jessica Lange's scenery chewing to Chloe Sevigny's commitment to being committed, there are no weak links.

New category! Because even if it is too early to single stuff out from the premiere, the episode as a whole was definitely "For the what the F?"!

In a flashback, Oliver's dad washed up on shore and was being eaten by menacing seagulls! So Oliver fought them off... and then he puked.

Vulture recognized the ridiculousness of last week's Homeland and added a laugh track to Brody's bad day.

Animal Practice was starting to pick up steam, and we're sad to see it go. Because let's face it: We'd choose Justin Kirk, Tyler Labine, and Crystal the Monkey over Whitney Cummings any day.

This was an especially rough week for one celebrity couple: The same day JoAnna Garcia learned that her new show Animal Practice was canceled, her husband Nick Swisher—an outfielder for the New York Yankees—was swept out of the playoffs after his team's terrible performance against the Detroit Tigers.

What made your list of TV loves and hates this week?

View the original article here

Like a murderous behemoth in a filthy, tattered mask, the Halloween season just keeps coming at us! As the cable networks for which we pay SO MUCH finally begin dusting off their more expensive horror properties (yay, Friday the 13th!), it can be hard to keep track of all the Halloween possibilities. So here, please enjoy a smattering of selections that may or may not be airing on a TV channel near you. (FYI I've hired a private investigator to find out whether or not FEARnet even exists, I'll let you know!)

[Note: Listed times are generally Pacific Daylight Time and listed networks are HD whenever possible. Please do verify your local listings.]

AMC, 2:45pm
Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan
Sure, the Friday the 13th franchise revolves around its own holiday, but these movies' cheeseball (and frequently effective!) appeals just work so darn well during the Halloween season! That's probably why the horror geeks over at AMC have dusted off the Crystal Lake catalog for the next few weeks: It's hard to beat a good, old-fashioned boogeyman slasher. True Jason Voorhees connoisseurs know that when it comes to the sequels, Friday the 13th is not unlike the Star Trek franchise: The even-numbered movies are generally the best ones. That is, except, for this one, the eighth installment in which Jason doesn't so much "take" Manhattan as "ride a boat" to Manhattan for 90 percent of the movie before finally getting killed by the Big Apple's famous toxic waste-filled sewer system. But while this disappointing installment effectively killed the franchise's sequel-every-year momentum, it does have a few very important appeals: One of the teens is played by a young Kelly Hu (Pearl from The Vampire Diaries! China White from Arrow!), plus there's a scene in which Jason punches a man's head clean off. Yes, you read that right. That part alone ALMOST makes up for how sorta-sucky the rest of this flick is.

AMC, 12:45pm
Pumpkinhead
From a corny classic to a classic-classic, this Stan Winston-directed creature feature has amassed a devoted following over the years, and for good reason: It is awesome! After a gaggle of vacationing teens accidentally cause the death of a local farmer's son, the man (Lance Henriksen) seeks revenge by conjuring the titular demon of vengeance who proceeds to hunt them all down like the huge, nightmarish abomination it is. Not simply content to be just some monster movie, Pumpkinhead is surprisingly clever and aims for morality tale status. Obviously revenge doesn't always work out so well, so the nasty morality tale at this movie's heart feels both terrifying and earned. Oh, and the nice girl dies first! (Spoiler.)

VH1, 10pm
The Lost Boys
The party atmosphere in Joel Schumacher's classic teen vampire film is what makes The Lost Boys particularly suited to Halloween's frightening-yet-festive spirit. When a single mother and her two kids move to a seaside community that bears a striking resemblance to Santa Cruz, California, the older son (Jason Patric) falls in with a crew of rowdy biker vampires that includes The Adventures of Bill & Ted's Alex Winter as well as ringleader Kiefer Sutherland. And it should go without saying that this is one of the Coreys' best collaborations. But yeah, this movie is so good and well-made, you'll be shocked at just how far from grace Schumacher has fallen since then. The '80s were a LONG time ago.

FEARnet, 1:00pm
John Carpenter's Vampires
John Carpenter's contemporary western take on the vampire genre didn't exactly blow up the box office in America, but it was a certified hit in Europe and other places that have DECENT TASTE. James Woods stars as a Vatican-hired hunter who chases down a band of desert vampires who sleep in the sand during daylight hours. Surprisingly violent and mean, this low-budget romp might be one of the best-kept secrets on Carpenter's resume since Prince of Darkness. Neither of them perfect movies, but both VERY watchable diversions for a late night in October.

Encore, 11:35pm
Army of Darkness
Continuing Sam Raimi's progression into Looney Tunes style horror, this sorta-sequel to the Evil Dead movies also functions as a stand-alone adventure film about a time traveling Ash (Bruce Campbell) and all the pain his body must endure while being screamed at in the face by myriad deadites. In my opinion, Army of Darkness' medieval hellscape does NOT seem like a very fun place to visit. Except for viewers. It's fun if you're a viewer.

Also Airing...

Apollo 18, 9:30pm, Showtime
Bad Girls From Valley High, 1:30pm, HBO2
Dream House, 12:00pm & 8:30pm, HBO2
Exorcismus, 2:45pm, IFC
From Dusk Till Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money, 4:00pm, Syfy
From Dusk Till Dawn 3: The Hangman's Daughter, 6:00pm, Syfy
Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, 11:00pm, Starz
Hostel, 7:30pm, Fuel TV
Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday, 5:00pm, AMC
Mulberry Street, 11:45pm, IFC
Nine Dead, 2:00pm & 8:00pm, Chiller
Nine Lives, 1:10pm, The Movie Channel
One Missed Call, 12:00pm, Syfy
Saw II, 7:45pm & 9:45pm, IFC
Scary Movie, 8:30pm, AMC
Shocker, 4:15pm, Encore
Sleepaway Camp 3: Teenage Wasteland, 6:00pm, LOGO
The Bride, 9:00pm, FEARnet
The Exorcist, 5:00pm, IFC
The Eye, 12:45pm, IFC
The Shining, 5:00pm & 9:00pm, BBC
Thir13en Ghosts, 2:00pm, Syfy
Wishmaster 2, 5:00pm, FEARnet
Wreckage, 1:30pm, SHO 2

AMC, 12am
Child's Play
When I was a child, the premise of Child's Play was so terrifying that I began to get nightmares after somebody on the playground simply told me about it. I didn't actually see it until years later, and it wasn't quite as terrifying as I'd feared, but it's still a pretty darn good movie. (This was back when Chucky was actually scary and not yet a Don Rickles-style insult comic.) After a known serial killer (and voodoo enthusiast) is gunned down by police at a toy store, he transfers his soul into a Good Guys Doll, a doll which somehow winds up in the house of young boy named Andy and Andy's struggling single mom. Pint-sized terror ensues!

AMC, 6:45am & 9:45pm
Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning
This particular Friday movie is widely abhorred by die-hards for its surprise twist: (Spoiler, obvs) The killer was only pretending to be Jason! Aside from a quick dream sequence (pictured right), the real Jason Voorhees never appears in this movie. So yeah, this is definitely the Halloween III: Season of the Witch of the Friday the 13th franchise. Anyway, the premise is this: In a rare jump-forward in this franchise's timeline, the child who'd helped kill Jason in part IV is now grown up, played by a new actor, and living in a sort of woodsy halfway home for troubled youth. Those youth then become even more troubled when a masked killer starts murdering them!

AMC, 8:45am & 11:45pm
Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives
After the disastrous reception of the previous Jason-free enterprise, this installment was intended to herald the big return of the real Jason Voorhees, who it should be noted, was now officially a zombie. In one of horror history's most bone-headed moves, previous hero Tommy (now played by a third actor) digs up Jason's grave to see if he's really dead, impales him with an iron rod out of rage, and then watches as that rod is struck by lightning thus resurrecting his old foe. Great work, Tommy! Anyway, then Jason jumps right back into terrorizing Camp Crystal Lake. Fun fact: This was the first ever Friday the 13th movie to feature actual campers. The previous installments that took place at the summer camp were generally set the weekends before campers arrived and centered around the killings of the counselors only. Needless to say, this movie is surprisingly unnerving for putting children directly in Jason's path.

AMC, 10:45am
Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood
Okay, Part VII is a legitimately ridiculous movie that still somehow just works. This time Jason is accidentally freed from his watery grave by Tina, a psychic teenager whose father drowned in Crystal Lake. After dispatching a handful of locals, Jason turns to destroying what's left of Tina's family only to have her go full-Carrie on him! We're talking psychic levitations, exploding lamps, the whole deal. Also, at one point Jason gets unmasked and looks like that thing pictured at right. Like, obviously we knew he was a supernatural creature that couldn't die, but as it turned out, underneath that mask he was basically a human-shaped T-rex. Good to know!

IFC, 11:30pm
May
All right, if latter sequels to slasher franchises aren't your particular flavor of horror, you may want to check out May, a demented bit of psychological horror that has taken on a bit of a cult following since its release around ten years ago. Angela Bettis stars as a singularly disturbed woman who decides to build herself the perfect lover using the best parts of the people she comes into contact with (which includes a particularly trashy Anna Faris). This one's a slow-burn, but it's well made and psychologically insightful. Plus it has one of my favorite closing moments of any horror movie I've ever seen.

Also Airing...

30 Days of Night: Dark Days, 3:00pm, Syfy
Aaah! Zombies!, 10:00am, Chiller
Apollo 18, 5:00pm, SHO 2
Captivity, 11:15am, IFC
Chromeskull: Laid to Rest 2, 7:00pm, FEARnet
Creepshow, 5:00pm, IFC
Daybreakers, 7:00pm, Syfy
Deadgirl, 12:00pm, Chiller
Devil, 12:00am, HBO2
Diary of a Madman, 10:45am, Turner Classic Movies
Doghouse, 4:30am & 1:00pm, IFC
Eight Legged Freaks, 7:15pm, AMC
Exit Humanity, 2:00pm, Chiller
Final Destination 5, 1:05pm, CineMAX
Frankenstein Created Woman, 9:00am, Turner Classic Movies
Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan, 12:45pm, AMC
From Dusk Till Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money, 1:00am, Syfy
From Dusk Till Dawn 3: The Hangman's Daughter, 3:00am, Syfy
Ginger Snaps Unleashed, 1:00am & 1:00pm, FEARnet
High Tension, 11:00pm, FEARnet
I Still Know What You Did Last Summer, 9:00am, FEARnet
Isle of the Dead, 6:00am, Turner Classic Movies
Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday, 3:00pm, AMC
Jason X, 5:00pm, AMC
Laid to Rest, 5:00pm, FEARnet
Mutants, 12:10am, Sundance Channel
Necromentia, 4:00am & 10:00pm, Chiller
Night of the Demons, 9:00pm, The Movie Channel
Prowl, 11:00am, Syfy
Red Riding Hood, 3:15pm, HBO
Soul Survivors, 3:00pm & 9:00pm, FEARnet
Spores, 6:00am, Chiller
Stake Land, 5:00pm & 11:00pm, Syfy
Teeth, 7:30pm & 9:30pm, IFC
The Bride, 11:00am, FEARnet
The Bride of Frankenstein, 5:00am, AMC
The Deaths of Ian Stone, 9:30am, IFC
The Frankenstein Syndrome, 10:35pm, The Movie Channel
The Killing Strain, 8:00am & 8:00pm, Chiller
The Lost Boys, 7:00pm, VH1
The Revenge of Frankenstein, 7:15am, Turner Classic Movies
The Thing, 2:15am, HBO
Underworld: The Rise of the Lycans, 9:00pm, Syfy
Vampires, 3:00am, FEARnet

Syfy, 1:00pm
An American Werewolf in London
The granddaddy of all modern werewolf stories (sorry The Wolfman), John Landis' classic tells the tale of two bros backpacking through the English countryside who encounter unfriendly locals and, eventually, a werewolf. One is killed while the other is bitten, and the story just gets crazier from there. This movie's werewolf transformation effects were a landmark for their time and still hold up today. But more importantly, David Naughton's generous nudity basically set the stage for one of golden era television's greatest achievements, MTV's Teen Wolf.

AMC, 6:30am
Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday
A few years after Jason "took" Manhattan (he did not take Manhattan in any way), New Line Cinema eventually came to acquire the rights to this franchise, which led to the only redeeming thing about this movie: That final shot where (fellow New Line property) Freddy Krueger's arm smacks Jason's mask down into hell. Up until that point, this movie is 90 minutes of garbage centered around Jason's newfound ability to jump his soul into other peoples' bodies. Sigh. At least this movie got points for correctly predicting Freddy vs. Jason! It wouldn't happen for another ten years, but still. Points for being right.

AMC, 8:30pm
Jason X
No discussion of the Friday the 13th franchise is complete without at least getting into Jason X. Jason in space! This movie is not very good, you guys, but it does have at least a few sparks of imagination and that counts for a lot. When a future class trip to earth retrieves Jason's frozen remains in order to examine his DNA's restorative properties, it's only a matter of time before he (A) wakes up, and (B) submits himself to the spaceship's regeneration machine and gets a high tech makeover. There's also an android character, a holodeck, and someone gets killed by becoming frozen in liquid nitrogen and getting shattered. So, you know. It's not boring. It's just also not very essential.

AMC, 12:00am (Monday)
Tales From the Darkside: The Movie
Everyone knows that horror anthologies are usually hit or miss, but over time Tales From the Darkside: The Movie has become a lot more "hit" than it was once considered. A framing device involving an imprisoned boy pleading with a witch to not eat him is probably unnecessarily campy, but a segment involving a mummy and later a cautionary tale about gargoyles both contain enough quality horror to make this a pretty fun little gem.

Syfy, 1:30am (Monday)
The Midnight Meat Train
Sorry for these mostly half-hearted recommendations, but I'm telling you, when it comes to modern horror, you have to look for the good buried in otherwise not-good things. Fortunately that's not hard to do with The Midnight Meat Train, based on one of the more famous Clive Barker short stories from his awesome Books of Blood anthologies. This one's about a mysterious killer who murders people on a specific train at specific times of night for surprising reasons. The reveal is pretty strong (and has suitably larger, more disturbing implications), but the whole thing definitely feels like a short story padded out to feature length. Still though, there are some truly shocking CGI gore scenes in this thing, so if that's your style, check this one out.

Also Airing...

Apollo 18, 5:30pm, Showtime
Blade II, 9:00pm, Syfy
Bram Stoker's Dracula, 3:35am, Encore
Carnival of Sinners, 11:15pm, Turner Classic Movies
Chromeskull: Laid to Rest 2, 9:00am, FEARnet
Coraline, 9:32am, ABC Family
Daybreakers, 3:00pm, Syfy
DeadHeads, 1:25pm, SHO 2
Devil, 2:20pm & 10:00pm, HBO2
Eight Legged Freaks, 10:30am, AMC
Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan, 4:15am, AMC
High Tension, 1:00pm, FEARnet
Jeepers Creepers, 1:00pm, AMC
Killer Pad, 9:00pm, FEARnet
Laid to Rest, 3:00am, FEARnet
Land of the Dead, 3:00pm, AMC
Little Witches, 1:00am & 3:00pm, FEARnet
Mirrors 2, 11:00pm, FEARnet
Night of the Demons, 12:05am, The Movie Channel
Orphan, 2:30pm, Lifetime
Queen of the Damned, 7:00pm, Syfy
Red: Werewolf Hunter, 11:00am, Syfy
Resident Evil: Apocalypse, 5:35pm, CineMAX
Skinwalkers, 3:00am, Syfy
Soul Survivors, 11:00am, FEARnet
Splice, 5:00pm, FEARnet
Spores, 12:00am, Chiller
Stigmata, 11:30pm, Syfy
The Fourth Kind, 12:40pm, HBO2
The Frankenstein Syndrome, 1:45am, The Movie Channel
The Haunting, 6:45am, HBO
The Stepfather, 12:30pm, Lifetime
The Tell-Tale Heart, 8:51pm, Turner Classic Movies
Underworld: The Rise of the Lycans, 5:00pm, Syfy
Urban Legends: Final Cut, 11:15pm, Encore
War Wolves, 9:00am, Syfy
Wolvesbayne, 1:00am, Syfy

Chernobyl Diaries
For some, the found footage subgenre has totally run its course, but for others who are easier to please, there's this film, about a cadre of tourists who tour an abandoned town. Mutants, evil children, evil mutant children. I have not seen this movie, mostly because the premise is not exciting enough for me to pay full price. Maybe when it's on cable and it's 3am and I'm drunk. THEN I'll watch it.

The Barrens
True Blood's Stephen Moyer stars in this horror thriller centered around the Jersey Devil! Only the chupacabra is featured in so few films, so it's nice that the Jersey Devil finally gets his/her due for once. From what I know this movie goes in the "Is he just imagining things?" route, which can be a movie-ruiner for me. Sorry, but sometimes I just want the threat to be tangible and the hero to be reasonably scared. Still though, this could be fun. It's always nice seeing Stephen Moyer not behaving like a dick on True Blood!

Bloody Bloody Bible Camp
This is a faux-grindhouse, low-budget slasher about a group of bible camp teenagers set upon by a crazed killer named Sister Mary Chopper! I don't know what to tell you. Here is a trailer though.

The Burning
Okay, back to things I've actually seen and enjoyed, The Burning is a bit of a footnote in slasher history: Screenwriters Bob & Harvey Weinstein (!) decided to cash in on the slasher craze ignited by Halloween and sorta-perfected by Friday the 13th by making a horror movie of their own. But in setting out to rip-off the Jason Voorhees model, they went and made a movie that was far better than it needed to be, and cast it with future stars like Holly Hunter and Jason Alexander. Based on the recurring East Coast legend of Cropsy the child killer, The Burning is a surprisingly well-made slasher that may just be worth your valuable slasher movie-watching time.

The Gate
Nobody needs to know the number of nightmares this wildly ridiculous horror movie gave me as a kid. What about you? Did those claymation munchkins invade your dreams? What about the wall zombie? Or the dad's melting face? Or the eyeball hand? Or the enormous hell demon? There's A LOT going on in this movie about kids who hold down the fort while their parents are out of town, only to deal with the sudden appearance of a gate to hell in their back yard. But it's probably the mixture of all of these crazy elements that made for such a potent nightmare instigator. The Gate is definitely dated and cheesy, but it's still a good time. Invite your friends over! Talk through it! It's that kind of flick.

Killer Klowns From Outer Space
Here's another B-movie that might perfectly round out your Halloween movie marathon. The plot is the title: A carnival-themed UFO lands in a small town and begins converting humans into cotton-candy-spun blood sacks for future nourishment. But it's the way the clowns look that's the most disturbing part. Those faces! Again, this movie dabbles in slapstick comedy, but its visuals and concepts are just horrifying enough to keep the camp at bay. Definite nightmare fodder. (Note: Movie works best when viewers are drunk.)

Will YOU be watching scary movies this weekend?

View the original article here

Like murderous genetic mutations recently escaped from a top-secret facility, we are chasing down the Halloween season! Seriously guys, how are your costumes coming along? No it is NOT too soon to ask, because unless you are a himbo or bimbo planning to just wear some kind of trampy thing, it is time to start PLANNING. And what better way to work on your costume than during a scary movie marathon? That is one of my favorite Halloween traditions: good friends, a candy bowl, a hot glue gun, and dozens upon dozens of C-list actors running screaming into the night. Halloween is the best! Anyway, out of all the scary movies airing on TV this weekend, these are some of the best ones!

[Note: Listed times are generally Pacific Daylight Time and listed networks are HD whenever possible. Please do verify your local listings.]

The Hub, 6:00pm & 10:00pm
Gremlins
You know what, I'm going to make a confession: I prefer Gremlins as a Christmas movie rather than as a Halloween movie. But it's just so good that I can't NOT mention it. Not only is Gremlins a nasty little comedy, it's genuinely scary, too. It also provides a wonderful life lesson that everyone should take to heart: Don't purchase dangerous, mythical mogwais that elderly Chinese proprietors initially refuse to sell you, and then especially don't get them wet or feed them after midnight. I realize that last part is confusing because it's technically ALWAYS after midnight. Still though. Just don't. Word to the wise.

AMC, 7:00pm
Pet Sematary
If there's one thing everybody can agree on, it's that most children are evil. The problem is only compounded, however, when a child is killed by a car, buried in a forbidden graveyard, and resurrected as a murderous ghoul. That's just Parenting 101. At that point it's on you to just keep scalpels away from your undead toddler, and also to try to restrict his hangout time with Weird Aunt Zelda. Nothing good will come of this, or parenting in general. Glad we could all agree!

Encore, 9:45pm
Scream
Long before The Vampire Diaries thrilled us to our very essences on a weekly basis, a young upstart screenwriter named Kevin Williamson changed the dang game with this slasher parody that was ALSO a real slasher! See what he did there? It was funny AND scary. Few sequences can beat Drew Barrymore's cold open, but the entire Wes Craven film still remains scary to this day. Not bad for a 16-year-old! (Holy moly this thing is 16? We are all racing toward the grave.)

Chiller, 4:00pm
The Amityville Horror (2005)
The original film is considered by some to be a bit of a classic, but in my opinion that's just by default. Based on actual events that might've been interesting in the '70s, the Margot Kidder original has not aged well. But you know what HAS aged well? A half-naked performance by Ryan Reynolds, who had just come off his Blade: Trinity bulking phase and seemed to insist on showing off the effort for much of this film as well. Waste not, want not! I'm not even sure what else happened in this movie besides this. There might've been a ghost? Who knows/cares?

Encore, 11:40pm
The Craft
If you are a lady or a gay who was a teenager during any point in the '90s then you probably have a special place in your heart for The Craft, certainly one of the best films ever made about goth witch outcasts. When a new girl in school (Robin Tunney) falls in with a trio of self-professed weirdos, they all dabble a little bit too much in the dark arts! Fairuza Balk is nothing less than brilliant in this movie, and the snake-filled finale gives me nightmares to this day.

Also Airing...

Christine, 5:00pm, AMC
Cujo, 3:00pm, AMC
Dead Souls, 6:00pm, 8:00pm, and 10:00pm, Chiller
Lake Placid, 4:45pm, Cinemax
Pet Sematary II, 9:00pm, AMC
Shutter Island, 5:00pm, Syfy
Sleepaway Camp 2: Unhappy Campers, 6:00pm, LOGO
The Bride, 1:00pm, FEARnet
The Happening, 11:00pm, FX
Thinner, 1:00pm, AMC
Valentine, 3:30pm, LOGO

IFC, 7:15pm & 11:15pm
Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn
In this remake/sequel to the original shoestring version of Evil Dead, director Sam Raimi went full horror-comedy and leading man Bruce Campbell brought his A-game. But despite its wackiness this thing is still completely messed up, you know? Maybe don't watch this with your grandparents or pastor. Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn tells the tale of two couples who attempt to spend a delightful weekend in the woods but then mistakenly conjure a gaggle of demons after nosing through a flesh-bound Necronomicon. It could happen to the best of us.

FEARnet, 5:00am
Fright Night (1985)
I don't mean to be controversial, but there's a good chance I prefer the Fright Night remake to the original. Even still, this one certainly has its merits. First off, that vampire makeup is some of the best in horror-movie history. (Though it's not explained how Amanda Bearse's short haircut suddenly gets all long.) But despite what version you watch, the plot is the same. A teenage guy and his single mom suddenly get a new neighbor: A handsome single guy who may or may not be a vampire. (He is.) From then on it's a surprisingly dark road for our hero. Bad things happen and everything! So yeah. Recommend.

Cinemax, 1:45am
Final Destination 5
Alright, I love this franchise so much, but I will not judge you too harshly if you don't. It's an acquired taste! So this one follows the same formula as the previous four: Disaster in the beginning, psychic premonition, survivors dying one by one, etc. But not only is this one particularly well-made (the bridge disaster is straight-up incredible), its closing "twist" is as amazing as it is stupid. Part 5 is really one for the fans, though. Or people who want to see David Koechner get a wrench lodged in his skull. Either way! Fun.

IFC, 5:00pm & 9:00pm
The Devil's Rejects
Here's one of those classics that would not be considered a classic at all were it not for its ending. If you've seen it you know what I'm talking about. It's like 90 minutes of unpleasantness in which a gang of super-loathsome low-lives torture innocent victims, concluded with a sensational sequence that redeems everything that came before it. I don't know if Rob Zombie will ever make a watchable movie again, but this one's reputation is well deserved.

ORIGINAL MOVIE, Syfy, 9:00pm
American Horror House
I have not seen this yet! But I'm highlighting it because I applaud Syfy's commitment to funding original horror movies. I'm not saying I don't love the network's awful sci-fi monster movies, but I have a soft spot for straight horror, I wish they'd make more of these even though, just being real, it's probably garbage. Anyway, American Horror House stars Morgan Fairchild and Alessanda Torresani as residents of a sorority house who must deal with a severe haunting situation AND a murderous house mother. Assuming that house mother will be played by Morgan Fairchild, this movie will be guaranteed watchable.

Also Airing...

Apollo 18, 8:00pm, Showtime
Corridors of Blood, 2:45am, AMC
Dark Fields, 10:30pm, TMC
DeadHeads, 4:25pm, Showtime 2
Devil, 12:00pm, HBO2
Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, 9:00pm, Starz
Ghost Town, 3:00pm, Syfy
Gremlins, 4:00pm & 9:00pm, The Hub
Haunted High, 5:00pm, Syfy
House of Bones, 7:00pm, Syfy
Killer Pad, 11:00pm, FEARnet
Mother's Day (2010), 1:00am, Showtime 2
Offspring, 12:15am, IFC
Pet Sematary, 3:00am, AMC
Pet Sematary II, 5:00am, AMC
Road Train, 12:00pm, Chiller
Satan's School for Girls, 1:00pm, Lifetime Movie Network
Smile, 6:00am & 10:00pm, Chiller
The Amityville Horror (2005), 11:00am, 1:00pm & 11:00pm, Syfy
The Amityville Horror (2005), 2:00pm, Chiller
The Bride, 1:00am, FEARnet
The Creeping Flesh, 11:00am, FEARnet
The Grudge 2, 7:00pm, FEARnet
The Grudge 3, 9:00pm, FEARnet
The Happening, 2:00am, FX
The Haunting in Connecticut, 9:00am, Syfy
The Hills Have Eyes Part II (2007), 1:00am, Syfy
The Others, 7:05pm, TMC
The Tomb, 10:00am, Chiller
The Toolbox Murders (2003), 3:00am, Syfy
Vlad, 8:00am & 8:00 pm, Chiller
When a Stranger Calls, 4:10pm, Starz

BBC America, 4:00pm
The Shining
Here it is, the granddaddy of all art-horror films. Because I'm not a classy person, The Shining is not always my first choice of horror film when I'm in the mood for a scare. But boy will this movie suck me in when I'm channel surfing. Director Stanley Kubrick's fondness for symmetry and one-point perspective makes for a hypnotizing experience! Part of me wishes I'd read the book before seeing this; I'm sure the Dick Hallorann death would've been that much more shocking. Still though, for a deeply unsettling (if overly cerebral) horror experience, it's hard to beat this.

HBO, 3:15am
28 Days Later
The main problem with 28 Days Later is how crappy it looks. Like, I get it, it's filmed on camcorder. Unfortunately camcorder technology was so terrible during this era. You know, miniDV tapes and all that. But this rage-virus zombie film remains terrifying. Cillian Murphy exploring an evacuated London is still haunting, and Naomie Harris remains supremely badass. This movie probably wastes too much time at that army base, but I'm not complaining. This is a classic. (I love 28 Weeks Later too. THAT movie looks great!)

Syfy, 9:00pm
The Mist
Before Frank Darabont unleashed The Walking Dead on us (which I think can be seen on the Dish Network, but I'm not sure), he made this adaptation of the Stephen King novella about a mysterious fog that settles over a New England town. Obviously the monster movie aspects are a lot of fun, but personally I love Marcia Gay Harden's unhinged performance as a religious zealot who starts worshipping the monsters. THAT is scary to me. Oh, and can we talk about how insanely grim Darabont's ending to this movie is? No, you're right, let's not. Too horrible to think about.

Syfy, 7:00pm
Jeepers Creepers 2
The less we discuss Victor Salva the better. That being said, I do enjoy these Jeepers Creepers movies, and I might even prefer this one to the first. It picks up minutes after the events of Part 1 and this flick follows a bus load of high school basketball players who suddenly find themselves preyed upon by a cowboy hat wearing bat-beast. Best of all is Ray Wise (Twin Peaks) as a grieving father going full-Ahab and seeking revenge on the monster that ate his son. Good times.

IFC, 3:00pm
Cursed
Do you remember this thing? It was supposed to have been a dream reunion between Kevin Williamson and Wes Craven and a hopefully hip new take on werewolf lore. Unfortunately the Weinsteins forced Wes Craven to reshoot almost ALL of it, and the end result is a bona fide mess. That being said, it does retain some of Williamson's snark and it also features fun performances by Joshua Jackson, Jesse Eisenberg and Milo Ventimiglia. Not Portia de Rossi though. She was terrible in this. So yeah, only recommending Cursed because it's kind of an oddity and a weird footnote on Kevin Williamson's pre-TVD resume.

Also Airing...

100 Feet, 3:00am, Syfy
American Horror House, 1:00am, Syfy
An American Werewolf in Paris, 2:40pm, Cinemax
Brotherhood of Blood, 1:00am, IFC
Chromeskull: Laid to Rest 2, 7:00pm, FEARnet
Dance of the Dead, 9:30pm, IFC
Dark Fields, 2:00am, TMC
Fright Night, 5:00pm & 11:00pm, FEARnet
Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, 8:20am & 6:20pm, Starz
Ginger Snaps Unleashed, 5:00pm, FEARnet
Hatchet, 9:00pm, FEARnet
Killer Pad, 3:00am & 1:00pm, FEARnet
Mary Shelley's Frankenstein, 1:30pm & 11:00pm, BBC America
Red Riding Hood, 5:15pm, HBO
Resident Evil: Afterlife, 11:00pm, USA
Scream 3, 7:00pm, IFC
Scream of the Banshee, 11:30am, Syfy
Slaughter High, 1:00am & 3:00pm, FEARnet
The Descent, 5:00pm & 11:15pm, IFC
The Grudge 2, 9:00am, FEARnet
The Grudge 3, 11:00am, FEARnet
The Messengers, 9:30am, Syfy
The Village, 1:30pm, Syfy
Underworld Awakening, 2:50pm & 9:00pm, Starz
When a Stranger Calls, 1:40am, Starz

The Cabin in the Woods
This 2012 entry is certainly one of the best and most fun horror movies I've seen in years, but that might just be because of how familiar I am with all the tropes it's celebrating. If you haven't seen this movie yet, then tell me something: You crazy? Come on, you might be crazy. Chris Hemsworth is in this! And it's hilarious! And it has one of the most go-for-broke attitudes in modern cinema. Anyway yeah: Five kids go to a cabin in the woods and things happen, some expected but mostly not. Saying anything more would ruin the fun.

Bait
I haven't watched this yet, so I should probably take my own advice on this one. But the premise is this: After a sudden tsunami floods a town and strands some grocery store customers atop some shelves, man-eating SHARKS start picking them off one by one. In the grocery store. One of those patrons is played by none other than former The Secret Circle witch Phoebe Tonkin. It seems weird that I would have to say anything else to entice people into seeing this, but not as weird as the fact that *I* haven't watched it yet. Ugh, I am so disappointing.

Kill List
Okay this one I have seen. BOY HAVE I. If you have seen it also, then you and I should go chat about it in private and not ruin it for anybody else. If you haven't seen it, I'm jealous? Anyway, Kill List is a movie that starts out one way and ends in quite another. It's one of those. I can't even tell you what genre it is because that might spoil the surprise (that I've included it in this roundup is a big hint though). But keep in mind this movie—this violent, disturbing, and reprehensible movie—is basically a puzzle. Things that might seem stupid or implausible actually aren't. It just doesn't want to spell everything out, so it leaves you slowly putting the pieces together yourself until the final vision is nothing less than terrifying. Yeah, not trying to oversell it, but Kill List is one of the most audacious films I've seen in a very long time. Even if you hate it, your brain will still tingle from being fully engaged. Just sayin'!

Candyman
Some of you pointed out that I neglected to include Candyman last week, but that was because it wasn't on normal TV! Luckily it's on Netflix Instant, so let's talk about this stone-cold masterpiece. Candyman tells the story of a grad student (Virginia Madsen looking golden-era gorgeous) who investigates an urban legend at Chicago housing project Cabrini Green. The Candyman, the legend goes, will appear when someone says his name in a mirror five times. If you want to know if this legend comes true for Helen, you will probably have to watch the movie and find out! (Spoiler: It does.) Oh, and the Phillip Glass score is some of the best horror movie music in history. It's right up there with "Tubular Bells" and Carpenter's Halloween theme, it's that good.

Hellraiser
One thing that seems to catch people off-guard about Hellraiser is that it is NOT some kind of slasher film where Pinhead comes out and kills people. No, this movie is much stranger, melodramatic and gothic than that. Clive Barker's dialogue is lurid and over the top; the gore effects are stunningly disgusting. The plot is almost too involved to describe, but let's say it involves a puzzle box that, when opened, summons a group of demons who will escort you to a painful oblivion. But when a man escapes their clutches and reforms into a bloody skeleton, it's up to his innocent niece to send him back to Hell. OR SOMETHING! I'm telling you, it's a film better seen than described. And the best part? When you are done you can watch Hellraiser II: Hellbound, which is just as good.

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark
You know, I can't tell you how to live your life. But I can tell you that if you are interested in a Guillermo Del Toro produced remake of an old made-for-TV spookfest, Don't Be Afraid of the Dark is probably your best bet. It has a distinctively childlike tone while also being legitimately nasty, plus it's one of Katie Holmes' best performances in ages. I'm not sure it totally comes together, but this movie LOOKS great and the effects are terrific. So yeah. Why not?

Ils (Them)
Home invasion horror is the kind of thing that frightens some people more than others, but this French thriller should do the trick for just about anyone. After a young couple moves to a secluded home in the countryside they soon find themselves fighting off what seem to be multiple hooded intruders. The premise and twist were unfortunately overshadowed by The Strangers (itself a modern classic, in my opinion), so it unfortunately doesn't quite stack up to that one. But that doesn't mean this one isn't extremely effective also. Kids these days! (Spoiler.)

Will YOU be watching scary movies this weekend? Which ones?

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