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Downton Abbey S03E07 / S03E08: "Episode 7" / "Episode 8" (or S03E06/"Episode 6," according to PBS)

OH. OMG. IT'S HERE. IT'S #FREEBATES TIME, YOU GUYS. IT'S #FREEBATES TIME!

Bates emerged from prison looking pretty freaking dapper for a dude who spent THE ENTIRE SEASON in the slammer. The. Entire. Season. Yes, technically, the Season 3 finale aired tonight. What we're getting next week is actually the Christmas Special because... I don't know. I'm sure PBS has its reasons. But anyway, the point is, Bates is finally free, even if it took entirely too long to happen and frankly, just watching him and Anna paint walls was more exciting than anything else the couple did this season.

Except for when Bates got all, "I know what you did two seasons ago with the soap, you awful human being" with O'Brien in order to save Thomas's ass. I like to think that this means Thomas and Bates can be friends now, but I doubt it. Why can't those guys just get along?

So let's talk about O'Brien. Ugh, O'Brien. Ugh. I can't even make words, just the sound my brother's cat makes when it coughs up hairballs. The woman really doesn't have anything resembling an off-switch does she? You'd think she would have learned her lesson that time she, you know, CAUSED A MISCARRIAGE, but no, she remains fairly content with biding her time destroying lives in response to non-life-destroying slights. All season long, we bore witness as she played handsome flirty straight James and handsome sad closeted Thomas against one another, manipulating James for maximum discomfort at Thomas's intimacy and convincing Thomas that James liked it and wanted to reciprocate. Talk about an HR nightmare.

And yet, considering the time period, the location, and the culture Thomas has found himself stuck in, I thought the response from (most) of the rest of the house was surprisingly gracious. Carson had the harshest words, and the horsewhipping comment was totally uncalled for (not to mention the "revolting" bit and the... well... everything), but he was prepared to give Thomas a decent reference up until O'Brien pulled a few of her strings. He wanted Thomas out of his hair, out of the family's hair; but he didn't want him in prison or on the streets which was kind of decent of him. BABY STEPS, CARSON, BABY STEPS TO THE FUTURE. You made it through telephones, man. You can survive anything.

The most unexpected of the "Thomas is gay and that's okay" responses came from Robert himself, who continued running and hiding from the future between throwing tantrums regarding Edith's decision to write for the paper and Matthew's ongoing campaign to save their conveniently inherited fortune from landing in the toilet. Again. OH, and his granddaughter got christened into the Catholic church so he was good for some dignified scowling and passive-aggressive digs on that "foreign" institution. El-oh-el, those "bobbing Catholics." SO FUNNY.

But when it came to Thomas jumping in bed with James beneath Robert's very traditional and proper and god-fearing roof, Robert honestly couldn't have cared less. He went to Eton. You don't think boys tried to kiss other boys at Eaton? It was no big. "Thomas does not choose to be the way he is," he said, matching the sentiments of a large chunk of the house's inhabitants. That's an impressively progressive stance for a population that just a few decades earlier sincerely believed that pulling one's pudding led to blindness and insanity because the doctor said so. Also Jesus. Or something.

But hey, it's 1920. It's the modern world. We have JAZZ now. AND BLACK PEOPLE OMG BLACK PEOPLE. Lady Rosamund almost had a stroke walking into that club. Edith looked a little green around the gills—but get over it, lady, you're supposed to be our substitute Sybil! Luckily Matthew had spent some time living on Earth before shacking up in Downton with his cousin-bride, so his fright stemmed mostly from all the dancefloor sexin', possibly a complication of Mary not letting him "make her untidy." You know, sometimes the quaint little euphemisms sound so much dirtier than just coming out and saying, "No, we can't have a pre-dinner quickie."

I like that Rose chick, though. At first she seemed like a brat, and she IS a brat, but she's a brat who's already grown on me. She's a walking scandal-waiting-to-happen with her drinking and her sexy dancing and her hooking up with married men. But "Mummy" sounds like a horrorshow, so trainwreck away, you frizzy-haired little monster. Kisses!

So it appears that Downton has reached new heights of modernity, with Robert eventually—though somewhat reluctantly—agreeing to Matthew's revitalization plans, and even taking on Branson as the estate's agent; Mary hiring a nice doctor to fix her faulty incubator with science; Thomas being allowed to stay on (and even earning a promotion) despite his perfectly natural sexual preference; and Edith writing about "man things" for the paper as though she has, and this is a really novel idea here, a BRAIN.

Unfortunately, Edith still has crap luck when it comes to love, having caught the eye of her awesome, charming, and attractive editor... who is stuck in a loveless marriage to a "lunatic." They're adorable and I love them but I'm really over Edith's habit of drawing the attention of generally decent guys who end up breaking her heart. Gregson's tale of woe about the wife he loves who no longer recognizes him and the laws that won't let him move on is sad and all, but I'm a little apprehensive after Matthew's tough-love rant to Rose at the jazz club about older men preying on younger women ALWAYS being married to "dreadful women." I really hope I'm over analyzing the parallel between Rose and Edith. But seriously, Gregson, you hurt her and I WILL cut you.

Seriously.

What did you think of Downton Abbey's Season 3 finale/not-the-Season-3-finale?

– Dowager Countess Sass of the Night: On Ethel cultivating her skills: "But you seem to have so many!" Hooker skills. She means hooker skills. Poor Ethel. Such an easy target.

– Shameless leering at the wardrobe time: So many lovely ladies in red! Also, it looks like Edith discovered lipstick in London. HUSSY.

– Lol, Charles Ponzi shout out. PLEASE DON'T LET ROBERT PLAY THE INVESTMENT GAME ANYMORE KTHNX.

– "I'm not foul, Mr. Carson. I'm not the same as you, but I'm not foul." This season has done a really great job of making Thomas likeable, sympathetic, and secretly awesome.

– "Now we can begin making babies!" Can you sound like any more of a creep, Matthew? The only thing missing was a suggestive eyebrow waggle.

– Ethel stuff: People were mean to her because of the whole prostitute thing. The Dowager placed an ad in the paper for her. She got a new job near her bastard child. And they lived happily ever after until Charlie turned 18 and his "parents" told him the truth about his "former nanny." Awkward.

– What do you think about everyone's treatment of Thomas? Was it a little handwave-y? On one hand it's AWESOMELY progressive of everyone, but isn't it also kind of WEIRDLY progressive? To the point of maybe being out of character for most of our characters considering the time period?

– The Adventures of Detective Anna, Super Sleuth: Mission accomplished. Time to pick out curtains. (And make babies?)

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Up All Night S02E01: "Friendships and Partnerships"

When Up All Night first premiered, I devoted probably too much of my review to ranting about how the show had been nearly ruined by re-tooling before it'd even aired. The original version sent to critics two summers ago was edgy, sardonic, and downright grounded, but what premiered on NBC was a comparatively cartoonish, lower-stakes trifle that was nonetheless redeemed by its charming performances and (maddeningly infrequent) laugh-out-loud moments. At the very least Up All Night still had the potential to turn into something great; unfortunately, over the course of 24 episodes, it never did. At its best, Up All Night's first season was breezy and occasionally clever, but at its worst, Up All Night was a waste of time. Too many of the show's characters behaved like jerks and too many of their problems were solved by their wealth or fame. The worst part was, Up All Night remained just good enough to maintain its season-pass status on my DVR, so out of all the shows I made time for each week, it was consistently my last choice. "Watchable but not a priority." —Price Peterson, TV.com

Anyway, I bring up Up All Night's pre-Season 1 re-tooling because the same thing has happened all over again! That's right, apparently that first set of changes didn't get the desired results, so it was time to flip the script yet again, but in the bluntest, least inspired ways. Season 2's premiere "Friendships and Partnerships" made those new changes immediately clear with a winking cold open involving Reagan and Chris remodeling their bathroom. Not only had they hired Reagan's brother Scott—a new lead character—to do the labor, the actual demolition was interrupted by Ava, who breathlessly arrived to announce that her talk show had been canceled. Yes, the SAME talk show shoehorned into Season 1 because of its supposed comedic possibility. But, if you recall, Season 1 suggested that Ava's show had been doing pretty well, so when this episode didn't even bother to offer an explanation for how Ava could have its plug pulled overnight, it was like Up All Night didn't even TRY to come up with a humorous reason. Not a one-liner, not a cut-away joke, nothing? Was the writers' room tired that day? Anyway, Ava is now no more, and the seemingly permanent absence of Missy didn't even merit a mention. So, okay, fine. Season 2 is a reboot!

Except... Up All Night still felt like the same show, only worse. I don't know if there's ever been a less funny, more muddled episode of this show than "Friendships and Partnerships." It involved the same tired plot (Ava and Regan fighting, then making up), plus some stuff about Chris wanting to work for a living. The whole thing was so sluggish and uninteresting that I straight-up could not remember why I'd watched all 24 episodes of Season 1. Did I misremember how funny it was? There's a chance this episode was more concerned with setting up the new realities of Up All Night's characters than it was with knocking our socks off, humor-wise, but come on, guys. You're better than this! Christina Applegate and Maya Rudolph still brought their A-games (a bit involving Ava kissing random babies and then adults at the park was the episode's only true highlight), but Will Arnett looked distressingly thin, over-bronzed, and seemed less and less committed to playing the relatably awkward new dad he used to portray. As Scott, Luka Jones is likable—but so far he's totally pointless. Sort of a poor man's Chris Pratt but without the energy or punchlines.

If there's one hope for Up All Night now that it's shaken things up a bit, it's that the characters' new trials and tribulations might actually seem stressful and identifiable. Back before Ava was a talk show host (in the version of the pilot that I'm increasingly convinced I may have dreamed up), she was a demanding, sort of dickish boss to Reagan, and it felt like there were real stakes when Reagan had to decide between work and family. After Season 1 turned them into besties, none of their squabbles ever felt real or consequential (including in this episode, when they temporarily broke up as friends and it was as implausible as Chris's new Bob's Big Boy haircut). Hopefully some kind of workplace tension can be brought back to the show, either through Chris and Scott's new construction company, or whatever new pursuits Reagan and Ava seek out. But dang, it's Season 2 and I'm still hoping this show becomes something better? Get it together, Up All Night! I am firmly in don't-care territory and that bums me out.

What do YOU think of the changes to Up All Night Season 2? Are they for the better, worse, or do they even matter?

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