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Downton Abbey S03E07 / S03E08: "Episode 7" / "Episode 8" (or S03E06/"Episode 6," according to PBS)

OH. OMG. IT'S HERE. IT'S #FREEBATES TIME, YOU GUYS. IT'S #FREEBATES TIME!

Bates emerged from prison looking pretty freaking dapper for a dude who spent THE ENTIRE SEASON in the slammer. The. Entire. Season. Yes, technically, the Season 3 finale aired tonight. What we're getting next week is actually the Christmas Special because... I don't know. I'm sure PBS has its reasons. But anyway, the point is, Bates is finally free, even if it took entirely too long to happen and frankly, just watching him and Anna paint walls was more exciting than anything else the couple did this season.

Except for when Bates got all, "I know what you did two seasons ago with the soap, you awful human being" with O'Brien in order to save Thomas's ass. I like to think that this means Thomas and Bates can be friends now, but I doubt it. Why can't those guys just get along?

So let's talk about O'Brien. Ugh, O'Brien. Ugh. I can't even make words, just the sound my brother's cat makes when it coughs up hairballs. The woman really doesn't have anything resembling an off-switch does she? You'd think she would have learned her lesson that time she, you know, CAUSED A MISCARRIAGE, but no, she remains fairly content with biding her time destroying lives in response to non-life-destroying slights. All season long, we bore witness as she played handsome flirty straight James and handsome sad closeted Thomas against one another, manipulating James for maximum discomfort at Thomas's intimacy and convincing Thomas that James liked it and wanted to reciprocate. Talk about an HR nightmare.

And yet, considering the time period, the location, and the culture Thomas has found himself stuck in, I thought the response from (most) of the rest of the house was surprisingly gracious. Carson had the harshest words, and the horsewhipping comment was totally uncalled for (not to mention the "revolting" bit and the... well... everything), but he was prepared to give Thomas a decent reference up until O'Brien pulled a few of her strings. He wanted Thomas out of his hair, out of the family's hair; but he didn't want him in prison or on the streets which was kind of decent of him. BABY STEPS, CARSON, BABY STEPS TO THE FUTURE. You made it through telephones, man. You can survive anything.

The most unexpected of the "Thomas is gay and that's okay" responses came from Robert himself, who continued running and hiding from the future between throwing tantrums regarding Edith's decision to write for the paper and Matthew's ongoing campaign to save their conveniently inherited fortune from landing in the toilet. Again. OH, and his granddaughter got christened into the Catholic church so he was good for some dignified scowling and passive-aggressive digs on that "foreign" institution. El-oh-el, those "bobbing Catholics." SO FUNNY.

But when it came to Thomas jumping in bed with James beneath Robert's very traditional and proper and god-fearing roof, Robert honestly couldn't have cared less. He went to Eton. You don't think boys tried to kiss other boys at Eaton? It was no big. "Thomas does not choose to be the way he is," he said, matching the sentiments of a large chunk of the house's inhabitants. That's an impressively progressive stance for a population that just a few decades earlier sincerely believed that pulling one's pudding led to blindness and insanity because the doctor said so. Also Jesus. Or something.

But hey, it's 1920. It's the modern world. We have JAZZ now. AND BLACK PEOPLE OMG BLACK PEOPLE. Lady Rosamund almost had a stroke walking into that club. Edith looked a little green around the gills—but get over it, lady, you're supposed to be our substitute Sybil! Luckily Matthew had spent some time living on Earth before shacking up in Downton with his cousin-bride, so his fright stemmed mostly from all the dancefloor sexin', possibly a complication of Mary not letting him "make her untidy." You know, sometimes the quaint little euphemisms sound so much dirtier than just coming out and saying, "No, we can't have a pre-dinner quickie."

I like that Rose chick, though. At first she seemed like a brat, and she IS a brat, but she's a brat who's already grown on me. She's a walking scandal-waiting-to-happen with her drinking and her sexy dancing and her hooking up with married men. But "Mummy" sounds like a horrorshow, so trainwreck away, you frizzy-haired little monster. Kisses!

So it appears that Downton has reached new heights of modernity, with Robert eventually—though somewhat reluctantly—agreeing to Matthew's revitalization plans, and even taking on Branson as the estate's agent; Mary hiring a nice doctor to fix her faulty incubator with science; Thomas being allowed to stay on (and even earning a promotion) despite his perfectly natural sexual preference; and Edith writing about "man things" for the paper as though she has, and this is a really novel idea here, a BRAIN.

Unfortunately, Edith still has crap luck when it comes to love, having caught the eye of her awesome, charming, and attractive editor... who is stuck in a loveless marriage to a "lunatic." They're adorable and I love them but I'm really over Edith's habit of drawing the attention of generally decent guys who end up breaking her heart. Gregson's tale of woe about the wife he loves who no longer recognizes him and the laws that won't let him move on is sad and all, but I'm a little apprehensive after Matthew's tough-love rant to Rose at the jazz club about older men preying on younger women ALWAYS being married to "dreadful women." I really hope I'm over analyzing the parallel between Rose and Edith. But seriously, Gregson, you hurt her and I WILL cut you.

Seriously.

What did you think of Downton Abbey's Season 3 finale/not-the-Season-3-finale?

– Dowager Countess Sass of the Night: On Ethel cultivating her skills: "But you seem to have so many!" Hooker skills. She means hooker skills. Poor Ethel. Such an easy target.

– Shameless leering at the wardrobe time: So many lovely ladies in red! Also, it looks like Edith discovered lipstick in London. HUSSY.

– Lol, Charles Ponzi shout out. PLEASE DON'T LET ROBERT PLAY THE INVESTMENT GAME ANYMORE KTHNX.

– "I'm not foul, Mr. Carson. I'm not the same as you, but I'm not foul." This season has done a really great job of making Thomas likeable, sympathetic, and secretly awesome.

– "Now we can begin making babies!" Can you sound like any more of a creep, Matthew? The only thing missing was a suggestive eyebrow waggle.

– Ethel stuff: People were mean to her because of the whole prostitute thing. The Dowager placed an ad in the paper for her. She got a new job near her bastard child. And they lived happily ever after until Charlie turned 18 and his "parents" told him the truth about his "former nanny." Awkward.

– What do you think about everyone's treatment of Thomas? Was it a little handwave-y? On one hand it's AWESOMELY progressive of everyone, but isn't it also kind of WEIRDLY progressive? To the point of maybe being out of character for most of our characters considering the time period?

– The Adventures of Detective Anna, Super Sleuth: Mission accomplished. Time to pick out curtains. (And make babies?)

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Downton Abbey S03E09: "Christmas Special 2012" (or S03E08 "Episode 8," according to PBS)

And the award for most soul-crushing season-finale ending in TV history goes to... Downton Abbey. A year after Sybil's death, life at Downton pressed on. Tom and the baby had stayed, with Tom taking on a new role as the estate agent. Edith was still writing, even though Daddy still didn't approve. And Mary was happily knocked up. Even Thomas and Jimmy managed to overcome their differences and the damage wrought by O'Brien's manipulation to become pals—all it took was Thomas flinging himself into mortal peril to break through Jimmy's residual ill will over that whole surprise bunk buddies thing.

After a pleasant trip to Scotland and a tense early labor, Mary gave birth to a healthy baby boy... and Matthew flipped his car into a ditch on the way home from the hospital. Who damaged you so thoroughly, Julian Fellowes, that this seemed like the perfect conclusion to the episode that, in England, was billed as the Christmas Special? Happy Holidays, England! I guess?

To further up the resulting angst of Matthew's sudden and startling death, Downton Abbey's Season 3 finale was, itself, a rather cheery time—you know, as far as Downton Abbey goes. The family, sans Tom, headed north to visit relatives at Duneagle and you guys, it was like walking into the Twilight Zone. The MacClare family embodied everything the Crawleys could have become if their worst habits hadn't been kept in check by common sense and fate. Susan and Shrimpie could barely stand one another and Susan in particular seemed to routinely take her misery out on walking-scandal-in-the-making daughter Rose. HI ROSE! I missed your fabulousness.

While Susan and Rose represented everything that Cora and her daughters might have been had Cora not, well, been Cora; Shrimpie was the Bizarro World answer to Robert. A man whose power in his household was unquestioned, uncontested—he ruled over his estate with an iron (though ultimately apathetic) fist, and lacking figures like Tom and Matthew in his life to force him to modernize, he simply didn't... and lost his estate to ruin as a result.

Now, as a modern audience, it's hard to feel too bad for the MacClares; after all, much like the fate that threatened the Crawleys earlier in the season, "losing everything" doesn't exactly mean what the phrase implies to the rest of us. The physical estate will change hands, but the title and all the privilege and power associated with it will live on. Furthermore, as much as moving into a smaller mansion sucks, you're still in a freaking mansion.

Stuck in the middle of all this turmoil was our frizzy-haired sass machine, Rose, whose previous brattiness was notably toned down (slightly) when her cousins came to visit. Mummy was every bit the horrorshow we had reason to believe she was, but even so, managed to have her redeeming qualities. To Susan's credit, she realized she was miserable and she realized how hard she was being on her daughter. Unable or unwilling to change, she made the decision to allow Rose to head to Downton when she and Shrimpie relocated to India. I look forward to Rose's contributions to the family, especially given the total downer Downton Abbey left us wit— HOW COULD YOU DO THAT, MR. FELLOWES??? HAVE YOU NO DECENCY, SIR? AT LONG LAST, HAVE YOU NO SENSE OF DECENCY?

Actually, I guess if we want to be mad at someone, the proper culprit is Dan Stevens, whose decision to leave the series led to the death of his character. But did we have to kill him? Couldn't we just've sent him to the States for business or something? It wouldn't solve the problem of no Matthew, but at least he wouldn't be, you know, dead. I'm grasping at straws here. There are just so many semi-orphaned babies on this show. Furthermore, the number of people who actually think Mary is a nice person is now down to... uh... two? Maybe? I know their lovey-dovey kissy crap was meant to break my heart, and it did, but it also made me laugh because how about instead of constantly telling me that Mary Crawley isn't actually the worst, you SHOW me, writers?

The effect Matthew's death has on Mary will certainly play a key role when we return to Downton later this year/early next year. It's hard to say how the loss will change her—she could just as easily reveal to the world that sweetness we heard so much about from Matthew as she could retreat to her stoicism and snobbery in her grief. She won't be the same Mary, though—that much is a given.

The same can be said of Tom, who was forced to face the drastic changes his life has undergone when a new maid named Edna asked some super-rude questions. My only complaint about Tom's storyline was that in a way, it felt like we'd already been over many of the issues raised. From his treatment at the hands of his former co-workers following his initial return to Downton after he married Sybil to his brother's antics at Baby Sybil's christening, Tom has struggled to come to terms with putting his revolutionary past to rest and accept his new privileged lifestyle—without compromising his progressive beliefs.

Edna didn't ask anything that hadn't already been asked of Tom. She was just ruder about it and kind of stalkery and awful. The notion of Tom moving on and perhaps eventually re-marrying isn't a bad idea. The same can be said of Mary. They're both young and while Downton Abbey has led us to accept that they've lost their TV soulmates, realistically, they each may someday come to terms with their respective losses and look for love and companionship again. That's fine. But Edna's approach was just appalling.

"I'm just as good as Mr. Branson." This is true, and I'm sure Mr. Branson feels the same way, but girl seriously went about things the wrong, wrong, amazingly wrong way. And then she was sacked—justifiably so—and Tom felt bad about it, which was also justified considering, as Mrs. Hughes pointed out, that he didn't exactly go out of his way to discourage Edna's advances. Her awkward, floundering, creepy advances. BYE EDNA.

With the exception of Bates and Anna, who were adorable and precious with their picnic and Anna learning how to dance (eee!), this episode was chock full of ill-fitted pairings, like omens that we were too busy giggling over to take seriously. Mrs. Patmore was courted by a new supplier, only to learn that he was a piggish womanizer who was after her... cooking? In a turn that, in my opinion, has been a long time coming, Dr. Clarkson courted Isobel, but gracefully abandoned his plan to formally propose after learning that she was rather fond of their current situation and reluctant to risk ruining it through change. Gregson crashed the party at Mancave Manor and endeared himself to the fam in hopes that it would lead to a solution to his lawfully-wedded-to-a-lunatic problem. Matthew didn't have a solution and encouraged him to let Edith go, but when Gregson approached her, she seemed more willing to tough it out until things worked out. Crossing my fingers that this doesn't end with Edith sobbing into her pillows. Again.

With the pain of Sybil's loss starting to mellow to a manageable dull ache and the estate as a whole riding on a sort of optimistic high thanks to the positive changes Matthew and Tom's plans brought, Robert reflected on his amazingly good fortune and questioned what he did to deserve such a charmed life. His mother, the Dowager, pointed out that "we don't always get our just desserts" as Matthew's car dodged a delivery truck and tumbled down a ravine, forever altering the fabric of a life he was meant to be a part of, a life he only knew due to the tragic loss of the previous Downton heir almost a decade earlier. His death casts a pall over the highly anticipated birth of his child and denies his wife the great love story they were cast in: After years of just missing one another, their happily-ever-after ultimately lasted just over a year... and they spent a good chunk of it bickering over the estate.

In a way, Downton Abbey Season 3 was a microcosm of the 1920s played out over a single year. The Crawleys had their rough patches, but they triumphed, and then it seemed as though there was no end to the family's good fortune... until there was, with one sudden and devastating crash.

– Dowager Countess Sass of the Night: On Tom's estate-sitting duties, "I don't want the freedom to go to his head." Poor Tom.

– "We've done our duty. Downton is saved." Oh Mary, it's a baby, not a business transaction.

– I can't say that Thomas cleans up nicely, seeing as his work clothes are actually swankier than his play clothes, but damn. That. HAT.

– Thoughts on Rose moving in?

– What do you think we should expect in Season 4? For Mary? For Tom? For the estate?

– What do you HOPE to see in Season 4?

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Downton Abbey S03E06: "Episode 6" (or S03E05/"Episode 5," according to PBS)

UGH. FUNERAL TIME. Kinda glad Julian Fellowes didn't make us sit through that. This episode already felt like a wake, complete with the family drama and the awkward lunch spread of resentment. I don't mean that in a negative way at all; we're all still reeling from losing Sybil (WHYYYY?) and to simply skip a few months ahead would have been a slap in the face to her memory. However, we didn't really need the full-blown funeral treatment that Lavinia got because unlike Lavinia—who was very awesome in her own right—Sybil's absence is a void that won't be easily filled. Funerals are a means for the living to theoretically find closure after a loss, but with Tom widowed, his child motherless, Cora and Robert on the verge of the closest thing to divorce that isn't actually divorce, and the household as a whole continuing to feel Sybil's absence on a daily basis, closure isn't something that can be attained simply by sticking a box in the ground.

Robert was still exiled to sleeping in the dressing room when we tuned in this week and you'd think that he would have at least paused to think about how the ego trip he's been on all season long has alienated his family and even kinda sorta killed one of its members, but no. Tom decided to name the wee baby Branson after her mother, and Robert freaked out because he found it "ghoulish." Tom said he was looking for work, Robert seemed down with the idea until Tom mentioned taking the fruit of his loins with him and OMG I thought Robert was going to have a stroke when Tom said Baby Sybil would be raised Catholic. THE HORROR.

Robert, of course, only had his grandchild's best interest at heart. Or something. "The only chance that child will have at achieving anything in life is because of the blood of her mother." In a cynical way, sure, it was a brutally honest assessment of class divides, but given the Earl's tone and the fact that the outburst was largely in response to Tom's stance on Catholicism, it was more likely meant as yet more classist blather. Tell us how you REALLY feel, Bob.

While the destructive consequences of Robert's rigid stances on, well, pretty much everything these days, came to a head last week with Sybil's death, the most frustrating aspect of him actually, for me, concerns the prelude and the aftermath of what happened to Sybil. Robert wasn't always like this, was he? In the past, I always found him generally likeable. The characters of Downton Abbey are all products of their period, and we have to cut them a little slack from time to time. It's unfair to and unrealistic to expect their social mores to mesh perfectly with ours here in 2013 because they just don't—and if we're being sticklers for realism, they shouldn't! Still, in the context of the world as it was, the Crawleys are a pretty freaking progressive family. Robert has always been traditional, but he hasn't always been unreasonable. When—and why—did he become a dick this season? I think it's a combination of several things.

His over-the-top response to anything that even slightly threatens the social structure that has allowed him and his family to enjoy their lavish lifestyle is the result of a lifelong fight against failure that Robert has repeatedly lost. The first time the fortune was lost, Cora saved it. "Cursed" with three daughters and no son, the family title—the one thing that Robert can unquestionably call his own—was never going to stay in his direct line unless Mary wed conveniently... a situation that, even though it was eventually resolved in his favor, he ultimately had little control over. It's not like he MADE Mary and Matthew tie the knot. He was deemed too old for active service in the Great War and his business decisions have generally been mistakes. The post-war years have seen Robert experience a further loss of authority as the influence of the nobility has eroded across the board. The second time the fortune dried up, it was by Robert's hand, and it was only saved due to Matthew's luck and generosity—which, though fortunate, is now leading to further angst as Matthew's middle-class values clash with Robert's aristocratic beliefs.

Matthew tried to explain his drive to modernize Downton to Mary by emphasizing the practical business aspect of it: tenants work the land, money is made, everyone is happy. The problem with Downton is that through either neglect or mismanagement or simply not knowing any better, the estate not only doesn't make the money required to fund the Crawleys' lifestyle, it can't even cover the more modest lives of the staff. After all, Mrs. Patmore and Daisy don't cook for free. Dead Lavinia's fortune saved Downton by way of Matthew, but—and I'm willing to bet that Mary never really had to learn this—money isn't an infinite resource. Even obnoxious fortunes will run out if not maintained.

The thing is, I don't think Robert ever REALLY had to learn that lesson either—or many other lessons, given Violet's interactions with Dr. Clarkson this week. Frustrated, Matthew told Mary that her father "...wasn't given Downton by God's decree...," but isn't that pretty much EXACTLY what monarchs and nobles and other influential classes believed to be the case? How do you reason with a man who sincerely believes that everything good in his life has happened just because Jesus loves him the most-est? It certainly doesn't help that time and again, Robert's approach to life has never REALLY failed him. There has always been some last-minute stroke of luck bailing him out of actual consequences. Except with Sybil, and he has to live with that.

But lest he feel too guilty about it, Dowager Countess Mommy was there to get Dr. Clarkson to tell the miserable couple who recently lost their daughter that even though he SAID he could save her, he was mistaken. So essentially, Robert was right all along. "Robert frequently makes decisions based on values that have no relevance anymore," said Cora, which is true, but ultimately a meaningless statement if he is regularly absolved of any responsibility for those decisions.

Yeah yeah, Violet did it to save the marriage. Fine. But good intentions don't really change the implications of her actions. She gets brownie points for sticking around Isobel's luncheon even after Robert busted the door down to drag his wife and daughters out of that "whore house," though. RUDE, Robert. SCANDALOUSLY RUDE. He's like a child, sitting in the corner going "lalala I can't hear you!" every time something doesn't go his way—from Matthew getting involved with the estate to Branson wanting to, heaven forbid, be involved in his own child's life to Edith getting over her epic Strallan sadness by using her fancy upper-class educated brain to write thoughtful newspaper columns. Something has to give. I thought something had given last week, but I guess Robert's paranoid masculinity needs more.

It's because we STILL don't have any #FreeBates in our lives, isn't it. The dude just exudes calm. Even when he's THIS close to shanking his sucky roommate during inmate playtime out in the yard, he's the portrait of calm, composed, and considerate.

Soon, kids. SOON.

Maybe.

I hope.

– Dowager Countess Sass of the Night: On ex-prostitute Ethel's cook uniform, "I suppose she has an appropriate costume for every activity." Lol. U SO MEAN, VIOLET.

– Shameless leering at the wardrobe time: Who knew mourning attire could be so sexy and chic?

– I like how when Travis implied that it was "un-English" to belong to the Catholic church, Branson just ran with it and was basically like "YUP. TEAM IRELAND REPRESENT!" <3

– Edith: "I sometimes wonder if I should learn to cook." Mary: "Why?" It's funny because she wasn't being snarky; she was genuinely confused. Oh, Mary. You're really adorable sometimes.

– The Adventures of Detective Anna, Super Sleuth: In the most exciting part of this entire storyline, Bates found out that his sucky roommate and one of the sucky guards bribed Mrs. Bartlett to keep quiet about Vera poisoning herself, so he dragged Sucky Roommate into the shadows while I screamed "SHANK HIM! SHANK HIM!" at the TV. He didn't, and the excitement level returned to its usual comatose state, but sure enough, Mrs. Bartlett eventually told the truth. I THINK IT'S ALMOST #FREEBATES TIME, YA'LL!

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