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Elementary S01E03: "Child Predator"

I find child murder inappropriate for television. I hate to sound like an old killjoy yelling at everybody to get out of her yard, but while I can/have/love to watch murder mystery after horror movie after action film where over-18-year-olds get taken out like mice under a lawn mower, just the sight of a gloved hand gesturing for a child to get in a car is a little too much for me. Elementary tried to find a loophole in the old "Don't use the most heartbreaking crime on earth for entertainment value" rule last night with a twist: The child we saw kidnapped in the opening was actually the mastermind behind all the subsequent child captures and murders. Still, this is just NOT how I like to relax, folks. Aren't there enough compelling ways to kill grown-ups without ratcheting up the stakes to, "Someone has your little girl!"?

To be fair, its not like Elementary was intent on rendering the loss of a child with gritty realism a la The Killing. The parents of the kidnapped little girl were introduced to the audience a few seconds before their televised interview and then got really mad when Sherlock came in and brought the media junket to a screeching halt. Grieving parents need their screentime, okay?! As much as we all loved Sherlock for stopping the interview in the most aggressive way possible (spray paint on the camera lens! Someone tell Lindsay Lohan to carry spray paint in her car and tag paparazzi!):

...but like, why was the family giving interviews so soon? Redonk. And then later they told the police chief he would be the FIRST ONE they'd go after talking to "the press." We got the impression that the second call they made after calling the police was to a PR agency for representation. Simmer, grieving TV parents! Simmer.

As for spotting tiny details and weaving them into a damning narrative, last night's episode was one of the more successful ones we've seen so far. Sherlock's glance at the kitchen led to the discovery of an Anna Nicole-lookalike mistress.

A paint scratch on a parked car told a tale of the kidnapper's van (shudder shudder shudder) and the banter between Sherlock and Watson was simply adorable. "I thought I was just a cavernous expanse between two ears," Watson coyly whispered at one point. After last week effectively drove a wedge between the pair, this week was about Sherlock vocalizing what he likes about Watson and validating her role beyond all the "sobriety twaddle"—she provides a sounding board, she actively assists in supporting him rather than interfering with his process. (Also she's provided several integral clues in the last couple weeks, but that was glossed over.) And how adorable was it when they fell in step doing squats? Lucy Liu gets extra points for doing squats in high heels.

The person in this episode who got a million points was Johnny Simmons, who took a break from the big screen to step into this juicy/thankless role as a child child-murderer, a 19-year-old who was first kidnapped and then used his superior intellect to direct his abductor and commit more and more murders (shudder). He seriously knocked my socks off both as a vulnerable brainwashed abductee whispering sweet nothings across the table from Sherlock and also as a "lettin' the freak flag fly" psychopath with an immunity deal taunting Sherlock in the park. Not to mention that gracefully handled some rather clumsy exposition speeches. I almost felt sad when cops picked him up because having him around a couple more episodes as a small-arc nemesis could have been cool, but hopefully his schedule was too full. Hire him, Hollywood, is what I'm saying! He great!

About the sweet nothings... there was a lot of whispering in this episode. There was a point where they were all watching Adam from behind two-way glass, Aidan Quinn, Watson, and Sherlock, and just whispering up a storm. Two-way glass is soundproof, right? Or was the perp on the other side sitting there thinking, "Is someone swishing around a rain stick on the other side of that mirror? What is going on?"

There was also a full spectrum of topless men last night, the hugely built and fantastically furry JLM bien sûr but also the serial killer appeared topless at a kitchen table in a back brace and it was pretty upsetting. Although, note to casting director/hair person: You did not pick enough of a weirdo for this serial killer. No offense to the actor (in fact, take it as a compliment!) but this is just not the face of a weirdo serial killler:

But you know who WAS weirding it up? Sherlock, who must have been given the direction, "You're not just a tweaker this episode, you're a tweaker on no sleep. Play it BIG!" If you've ever been around someone so exquisitely manic that they haven't slept for four days, you know that the body pulls on weird reserves of energy, making them increasingly jumpy and skittish until it's exhausting to be around them (I know from personal experience, long story, don't ask). In an attempt to capture both this energy and the Sherlock Holmes exactness and precise-itude, JLM was whipping around people and spinning on his heel like a nervous high school kid giving a cheeky presentation he'd worked on for way too long in front of a class. Just pure nerve. Well done, JLM, and also knock it off JLM! You're making me skittish.

Also, as much as I'm warming up to JLM's Sherlock, I fantasize from time to time about the roles of Sherlock and Watson being reversed and Liu playing a cold, icy, Sherlock to JLM's hunky Watson. Sigh! #fantasyseriesreset

So to sum: Aside from the regrettable content of the mystery, the way it was handled and the dynamic between Watson and Sherlock showed real growth and promise. As usual I had almost no patience with the actual B-story mystery going on, but the increasing detail involved in the mysteries and the actors, the characters, and their very cozy flophouse keep me coming back. Also are you THIRSTY GUYS?! Because there were no bees in this episode and don't even tell me tea = honey. Need to see wings and hear buzzing, people. Bet a coke would taste PRETTY GOOD RIGHT NOW but alas, no bees.

QUESTIONS:

1. Child murder: should procedurals steer clear?

2. Johnny Simmons: a young, male Meryl Streep?

3. How tall is JLM ?

4. Would you feel invigorated or collapse with exhaustion if you did 100 squats in a row?

5. Should stars being stalked by paparazzi fight back by spraying paint on the paparazzi's cameras?

Elementary "Child Predator" Photos

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Covert Affairs S03E08: "Glass Spider"

On the plus side, Annie and Auggie made some itty bitty progress toward being BFFs again and I was vindicated in my belief that Lena sucked. However, in the end, we were left with the small matter of Simon (probably) being dead and Annie in rough shape herself, so I'm going to declare "Glass Spider" a draw. It's a draw because it currently sucks to be Annie, but it's totally awesome to be Annie's TV series.

Auggie and Annie checked out Jai's secret evidence lair and Annie realized that he was investigating Simon. With Simon suddenly the most obvious candidate for potential assassin, all eyes turned to him and Annie stepped in to spill the beans about her vacay in Cuba and what all Simon did for TRUE LOVE. Arthur and Joan were understandably miffed about the whole thing. I was just happy to get through an entire episode without one of their tired old marital spats, even if the entire vibe at the CIA suddenly shifted to something resembling "Mommy and Daddy are mad because that darn Annie got caught making out with her sleezy boyfriend in the driveway after curfew again."

Annie claimed that she was cultivating Simon as an asset (lie) and that he was THIS close to joining Team USA (lie) and they should just trust her because she totally knew what she was doing. Basically, "Simon is sweet, mom! He's just flawed. But I can CHANGE him!"

Momma bear Joan sent Annie off to the mall with a CIA entourage and a warning about dealing with the fallout. Then she tracked down that terrible influence of a co-worker, Lena, for a grumpy reprimand.

Meanwhile, Arthur, despite his irritation at Auggie meeting with Henry Wilcox to glean more information about Jai, met with Henry himself. Henry made it clear that he knew more than he let on with Auggie, but really, we've all known that. That entire storyline is just an exercise in patience. I know we'll get there eventually. I mean, Lena was fairly obvious from the start too.

I honestly didn't think she would be THAT evil, though. Throw Annie under the bus when the mission with Simon fell apart? Sure. Maybe she'd even go as far as to ruin Annie's credibility herself for some to-be-determined reason. But I humbly say that I did not peg Lena as the type to totally waste Annie's charming spy boyfriend before taking Annie out as well. Well done, Covert Affairs. Well done.

For a brief period of about ten minutes, it looked like Annie and Simon would play out in the only way it really could if we wanted them to remain a viable couple. After killing his handler, Simon was cast out of his own spy club. He became the epitome of a rogue agent, forced to become entirely self-sufficient, with no country or agency willing to back him. Annie caught up with him at a busy D.C mall and pitched her deal: If he sided with the CIA, they could live happily ever after. Or something. I thought that was some fairly naive thinking on Annie's part, though given a choice between crossing her fingers and hoping it all worked out or standing aside and letting her agency hunt him down like a criminal, I can understand why she went with the sales pitch that she did. Also: nice touch, smashing Auggie's mic.

Annie confessed, "This may have started out as a mission, but it turned into something more."

Simon said TTYL and Annie went back to Langley to face the music and be grounded FOREVER. No cars, no fake passports, no jetsetting to exotic locales with her charming assassin boyfriend— GROUNDED. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME, ANNIE WALKER?

She asked about sticking around Joan's division but Joan didn't seem to want her around anymore. She tracked down the shooter at the mall and connected him to Jai's murder, but he offed himself before anyone could take him into custody. (How rude!) Auggie was grumpy about the whole stomping-on-his-mic thing and finally asked Annie if she deliberately let Simon go after the botched mall mission and if she loved him. Cue the awkward silence.

But then, finally, and maybe a little bit predictably, Simon showed up at Casa Walker to rescue Annie from the repercussions of her actions. He painted a romantic picture of a life on the run, a life lived for "each other" rather than "other people" and Annie was totally down with it. She got right to packing: a handful of passports, a few wads of cash from a small contingent of nations, and a photograph of her and Danielle as kids.

It's ALWAYS the photographs, man. ALWAYS.

While it would be easy, romantic, and liberating to hit the road with Simon and spend the rest of her life hiding from their former employers (I guess?), Annie realized that, unlike Simon, who is truly an island unto himself, Annie has family, friends, connections that depend on her and care about her.

I pick on Danielle a lot because she's written as an annoying, clueless "outsider" who has no concept of what Annie does or how important it is but truth be told, I've kind of missed her since she moved across the country. The move was essential, though. By killing off Jai, by giving Auggie his own encompassing drama to deal with, by taking Annie out of the comfort zone of Joan's department and plunking her into Lena's very different environment, and by removing Danielle from the picture almost entirely, the Covert Affairs writers have effectively isolated Annie from her usual support systems. The Annie of Season 1 and Season 2 would have never even considered Simon's offer and by ultimately refusing to go with him, as hard as that may have been, is a return to herself for Annie.

Unfortunately, we will have to postpone our celebrations. Before Annie could even explain her change of heart to Simon, Lena stepped out of the shadows and efficiently shot both Simon and Annie.

Let the conspiracy theorizing begin!

1. I wouldn't be surprised if Lena was responsible for Jai's death. Would you?

2. But WHY?

3. If Lena was responsible for killing Jai and Jai was investigating Simon, do we think that Lena and Simon had a connection? If so, what was that connection?

4. So help me, if we find out that Lena and Simon were a thing and this was all some kind of scorned lover revenge quest and all of Lena's man-hating hilarity came from having her heart broken by Simon back in the day, I'll... I don't know. There's really nothing I CAN do. But I certainly won't be happy.

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