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What to watch on Thursday, March 28...

8pm, The CW
The Vampire Diaries
This has been quite the globe-trotting season so far: First Canada, then New York, and now... small-town Pennsylvania! That’s where Elena and Rebekah go Katherine-hunting in “American Gothic,” and where they bump into Elijah for good measure. Oh, he’s not interested in Katherine or the cure or any of that meshugas—he’s just there for the best damn antiquing east of the Alleghany.

SEASON 1 FINALE, 8:30pm & 9:30pm, NBC
1600 Penn
Hannah Simone tries to bring some of that hip New Girl cred to NBC when she guest-stars as an Andorran princess in tonight’s first outing, “Bursting the Bubble.” And Larry King tries to bring some of that hip “Hey remember in the ‘90s when Larry King was a fairly huge TV pundit?” cred when he guest-stars as Larry King in the second episode and season finale, “Marry Me, Baby,” in which the legality of the president’s marriage may be revealed as less than complete. Sounds like a never-to-be-resolved cliffhanger to me! Because the show is almost certainly going to be canceled, I mean. 

SEASON 3 FINALE, 9pm & 9:30pm, Fox
Raising Hope
Either Fox is pulling one seriously goofy scheduling move here—bringing a Tuesday sitcom out of hibernation on a different night and time for its season finale—or this is by far the most elaborate theme episode Glee has ever attempted. Well, the first half-hour, “Burt Mitzvah: The Musical,” does find Burt turning to song to get in touch with his newly discovered Jewish heritage. No word on whether the second episode, “Mother’s Day,” will offer Maw-Maw the spotlight aria she’s long dreamt of when the Chances visit her childhood home.

9pm, ABC
Grey’s Anatomy
The hospital is flooded with victims of a highway gas tanker explosion, and considering the episode is called “Can’t Fight This Feeling,” it will be a huge missed opportunity if that explosion wasn’t caused by a careening speedwagon. Elsewhere, former TV doctor and new ABC employee Sarah Chalke needs Meredith and Jo to determine the source of her child’s unusual malady.

10pm, ABC
Scandal
It’s Pope & Associates to the rescue when Hollis’s daughter is kidnapped and when David needs sanctuary from the ongoing danger pursuing him. Meanwhile in “Snake in the Garden,” Olivia and Jake’s dalliance heats up, Mellie lays down the law with Fitz, and Cyrus connives to win back the president’s favor.

10pm, FX
Archer
Okay, so a spy, a valet, and the Pope walk into a bar. Well, maybe. Hey, it could be part of Archer’s plan to stop an assassination attempt on the pontiff in “The Papal Chase,” with Woodhouse in tow to act as a decoy. It’s not like it’d be the first plan of Archer’s to entail entering a bar.

10:30pm, Comedy Central
Nathan For You
Nathan’s fear of womenfolk prompts him to date 10 of them at once in what’s either a disquieting kind of shock therapy or a potentially dynamite chorus line. Also, Nathan tries to “scare up” some business for a haunted house, and yes, I’ve just been sued by the Cryptkeeper for making that pun.

11pm, AMC
Immortalized
Dave Houser and a challenger square off in a competition centered on the theme “First Love.” Um. This is... this is still a show about taxidermy, right? Animals? Corpses? Things that maybe don’t fit so snugly or, shall we say, lawfully, with facets of romantic love? AMC, you are already on a short leash after last week. Don’t press your luck.

LATE-NITE:
– Gerard Butler on Chelsea Lately, 11pm, E!
– Author Denise Kiernan on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, 11pm, Comedy Central
– Author and pediatric endocrinologist Robert Lustig on The Colbert Report, 11:30pm, Comedy Central
– Kim Kardashian, Willie Geist, and Imagine Dragons on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, 11:35pm, NBC
– Dwayne Johnson, Saoirse Ronan, and Kendrick Lamar on Jimmy Kimmel Live, 11:35pm, ABC
– Tyler Perry, Nick Offerman, Thom Filicia, and Blake Shelton on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, 12:37am, NBC

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The Vampire Diaries S04E15: "Stand By Me"

Killing a central character is a huge card for a TV show to play. Essentially you’re shutting down a whole avenue for stories and closing off a network of relationships you’ve spent time constructing. If you’re going to do that, the payoff has to enrich the characters and relationships that remain. Play that card to generate compelling stories and drive significant character development, and it’s worth it. Play it just to wring some tears out of the moment and ride an emotional catharsis, and it’s manipulation.

“Stand by Me” was a masterful example of the former. Jeremy’s death, once Elena allowed herself to grasp it, utterly obliterated her, pushing her to a place where, at Damon’s behest, she relinquished her last inkling of humanity. For all the shaky plotting and shifting motivations that propelled the race for the cure, the entire storyline has been elevated by this tragic irony. The quest to make Elena Gilbert human again has culminated in her choosing to become fully a monster.

Nina Dobrev had to carry the episode even as her character was mostly caught in the undertow for the first half, and she turned in a terrific performance all the way through. From balancing both an assured mode of denial and a fragile one, to sinking into despondency as reality set in, to then escalating her flood of grief into a maelstrom of rage and hopelessness and fire accelerants, she nailed every note (“There’s no room in the Gilbert family plot”). The gradual shift in her face from ruin to numbness when Elena switched off her emotions was uncannily fluid.

Ever since vampirizing its heroine, I’ve been curious to see if the show would cross that Rubicon. Doing so could be fruitful, or it could be disastrous, but either way they’ve laid the appropriate groundwork to make such a devastating descent—realizing Elena’s oft-expressed worst fears—plausible. The episode foreshadowed early on that it might pull the trigger, too. That fear was clearly in the back of Stefan’s mind when he trailed off contemplating what would become of Elena, “now without any family...” This was the only potential outcome so unthinkable as to make both Stefan and Caroline unflinchingly accept Damon manipulating Elena through the sire bond as a necessary recourse. Even then, in the wake of her near-self-immolation, nobody put up too much of a fight when Damon ultimately decided the switch-off would be the lesser evil.

Yet for a while it appeared such drastic measures wouldn’t be necessary. Matt—who knows a thing or two about losing a younger sibling—almost got through to her, reinforcing again how theirs is quietly one of this show’s most potent relationships. Their sojourn very nearly sent the episode down the opposite path, one which still would have held true to an aspect of TVD’s thematic heart: pulling Elena back from the brink by tapping into her strongest human connection, rather than her strongest mystical one.

Ol’ Matt might’ve gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for those meddling kids and their millennia-old vengeance-fueled ghost-demon. This being The Vampire Diaries, the show can’t take its foot off the gas to mourn for too long. Enter Bonnie (none the worse for wear despite the shit that went down at Silas’s Cavern on the Green), armed with a bushel of Mystic Falls’s most abundant renewable resource: Cataclysmically insane plans!

“Stand by Me” gained some of that old TVD steam here at its midpoint, in a sequence that did about as tidy and dynamic a job possible of dumping a metric ton of convoluted exposition. It hit on every stage of the reveal (Shane/Silas to Bonnie, Damon to Stefan, Bonnie to the gang), brought in all the key opinions (most of which, suitably, boiled down to, “WTF?!”), and even built the whole thing into the crescendo of white noise that battered through Elena’s last defense. Healthy grieving just isn’t possible when one of your friends or another is always trying to magically jailbreak an entire purgatory dimension.

All because Elena’s not the only one unhinged by the tragedy, nor is Damon the worst grief counselor under the circumstances. Bonnie is wounded deeply enough that she surrendered all doubts and reason and hitched her wagon to Shane-cum-Silas and his kooky scheme of reviving every supernatural entity that’s ever bitten the dust. (Basically he’s Walter Peck at the end of Ghostbusters, and Bonnie is the Con Ed guy. Do I have that right?)

Now, this was a great episode for Bonnie, and for Kat Graham, who’s gracefully walking a fine line between understandable psychic disarray and outright bugnuttery. I’ve generally been a fan of her material all season. I think that could continue, as she’s the linchpin between the good guys and the mythical scary apocalypse monster. That said, I will be severely disappointed if this season ends with Bonnie going full-on Dark Willow. It’s bad enough that Silas has somehow seen enough Buffy the Vampire Slayer to cop The First’s M.O.; let’s try to be a little more inventive with our Big Bad, shall we, show?

– The episode’s first gut-punch moment for me: “What’s that smell?” “It’s his body.” Oof.

– I appreciated the moments spent indulging the others’ grief as well. Matt spent all day propping up Elena and Bonnie, and so couldn’t even make it home before breaking down in his own pain. Caroline, in a bit of denial, unburdened herself into the void of a voice mailbox she acknowledged Tyler will never hear.

– Damon’s mildly impressed regard for Rebekah’s eloquent sadism was a welcome spot of comedy. They should play “bad cop/worse cop” more often.

– Speaking of Rebekah, the poor girl got ditched once again, left to finish the table-setting work up in Fauxva Scotia. And hey, Vaughn was around to screw with her head, because it’s been like three days since anyone last tried to screw with Rebekah’s head.

– After so many spleen-venting conversations on that front porch, watching Elena, Stefan, and Damon stride off it and away from the burning Gilbert homestead carried an effective sense of finality, if not closure. Also it looked damn cool.

– “Aren’t you Elena’s current love? It’s so hard to keep track these days.”

– “Poison your best friend once and suspicion follows you forever.”

– “Damon Logic.” Patent pending.

– “She lost her brother. I’m not enough. Not this time.”

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Hot dudes all over The CW will be coming back next season! The network may have been the last to get its 2012-2013 season started, but it's the first to get its 2013-2014 season started, having just ordered a ninth season of Supernatural, a fifth season of The Vampire Diaries, and a second season of Arrow to debut next fall.

The CW is actually building on something here, people. Arrow has become the network's most-watched show with 4.3 million viewers, though it didn't elaborate on that number (we're guessing it includes DVR numbers and maybe online streams). Arrow's success has been a boon for Supernatural, which has seen its numbers tick up 15 percent (the fact that Season 7 was pretty bad and aired on Fridays also contributed to the Season 8 jump). Meanwhile, The Vampire Diaries continues to chug along as The CW's highest rated series and most Bing'd about show.

The fates of the rest of The CW's series are up in the air, but it's obvious where the network is going with its strategy, which is to stick with what's been working. Its 2013-2014 development slate is heavy on young adult genre projects with all but two out of eight pilots in contention having either supernatural, fantasy, or science-fiction bents to them. A Vampire Diaries spin-off, the prequel-ish The Originals, looks like a sure thing to be paired with TVD next fall, and if it's at least halfway competent, I know I'd like to see Oxygen, starring Aimee Teegarden as a chick who falls in love with an alien. The CW is also so high on trying a television adaptation of The Selection that it's ordered a second pilot after last year's didn't quite work.

If The Originals does pair with TVD, then The CW will have to make a decision on what to do with Beauty and the Beast, but I don't like its chances at returning (wouldn't Jay Ryan and Aimee Teegarden make an adorable couple?). I'd also guess that by the end of the season, Dr. Zoe Hart will have done her last surgery on Hart of Dixie, Division will end up with a remainder of zero on Nikita, and 90210 will be out for a permanent summer. All three of those shows are hovering around the 0.5 rating mark. The CW will probably search for one non-sci-fi show to pair with The Carrie Diaries, which should follow positive critics' buzz into a second season. Major caveat: This all depends on how the new development slate looks.

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LET'S START WITH CASTING NEWS TODAY

... The CW's spin-off of The Vampire Diaries is keeping its originals for The Originals. Claire Holt has signed on to reprise her role as Rebekah, Klaus's vampy sister. She joins Joseph Morgan, Daniel Gillies, and Phoebe Tonkin as the core four. [Deadline Hollywood]

... Private Practice star KaDee Strickland has joined NBC's pilot Bloodline. The drama follows a girl caught between a pair of feuding families in the modern suburbs. Strickland will play the girl's mom. Oh, and she's destined to be killed by her daughter. [TV Guide]

... Nick Gomez, who played sneaky con Tomas on The Walking Dead, will next appear on Dexter. He'll play a hitman who tangles with Deb. [TV Line]

... CBS's drama pilot Hostages is putting together quite the formidable cast. Dylan McDermott, recently seen chopping people up and masturbating in American Horror Story, has landed the male lead in the series opposite Toni Collette, who plays a surgeon who's ordered to operate on the president but ends up getting wrapped in a crazy conspiracy that somehow involves the kidnapping of her family. McDermott will play an FBI agent. Whether or not he masturbates on office furniture is TBD but I'm leaning yes. [Deadline Hollywood]

... That dancing maniac Jennifer Beals has signed on to the ABC drama pilot Venice. She'll play the matriarch of a family in this modern-day take on Romeo & Juliet. [Deadline Hollywood]

... Virginia Madsen has joined NBC's update on the classic tale of the Hatfields and the McCoys, cleverly titled Hatfields & McCoys. She'll play the momma of the McCoys. [TV Guide]

I'D LIKE TO SEE THIS SHOW NEWS

... AMC is developing an adaptation of the Dan Simmons novel The Terror, a very scary book! Set in 1847, the show would follow a Royal Navy expedition as it explores the arctic, but instead finds a very scary monster that wants to eat everyone! This sounds very scary and I want it now! [Deadline Hollywood]

BUSINESS TIME

... ABC Family has scooped up two more reality shows, Dancing Fools and The Vineyard. There are no details on Dancing Fools except that it's an unscripted comedy hosted by Baby Daddy star Melissa Peterman, but given the title Dancing Fools I'm going to take a guess and say it will feature people wearing dunce caps. The Vineyard stinks of MTV, with a group of 20-somethings living in Martha's Vineyard and groping each other near a pile of empty Corona Light bottles and discarded capri pants. Both shows are set for a summer debut. [ABC Family via press release]

... Prepare to kill yourselves, because VH1 has ordered Wicked Single, a reality show that follows young Bostonites looking for love. Of course it airs March 17, St. Patrick's Day, so grab your green Red Sox cap, put it on backwards, and drive off a cliff. [VH1 via press release]

... Everyone else is using this line, so I may as well too. The Jeff Probst Show has been voted off the island after one season. [Deadline Hollywood]

... Ryan Seacrest has teamed with A & E for a docu-series titled Montecito. Set in the California town, it will follow rich ladies who might be getting more than dancing lessons from their ballroom dancing coaches if you know what I mean. (I mean boning.) Look for six episodes later this year. [THR]

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by Cory Barker, Andy Daglas, and Noel Kirkpatrick

The Vampire Diaries S04E14: "Down The Rabbit Hole"

Jen suggested that we do a roundtable-style review for this week's The Vampire Diaries, and boy howdy did she pick a doozy of an episode to suggest such a format. Did "Down the Rabbit Hole" solve any of the problems this season has suffered? Were the big events in the last ten minutes worth all the trouble? Does Noel finally have a chance with Caroline now that Tyler's on the run from Klaus? Read on!

CORY: Welp. This episode gave us a lot to process. We learned that there was only one dose of the cure (duh), Tyler is on the run for the fortieth time (sigh), Katherine is back (finally), and Jeremy could maybe-possibly-perhaps be dead (wow). For an episode that had a lot going on in the first 38 minutes, somehow the last five ramped it up even more. I really do enjoy it when TVD slows things down and forces the characters to ask important questions of one another—like we saw in last week's episode—but it's hard not to gleefully sit back and let the full-bore insanity of offerings like this one rush over you. We've been waiting for the "raising Silas" plot to actually get to the raising Silas part for a while now, and "Down the Rabbit Hole" delivered that, among other things.

So let's start at the end, because it's the juiciest. Is Jeremy really dead? He's been killed at least a dozen times over the course of the series' run and used to have a ring to protect him from things like this. But I gather that becoming one of the Five means losing special human-wearing ring powers, right? I like what Steven R. McQueen has done on the show, particularly this season, but this death really turns Jere into a plot device. He and his tattoos brought everyone to Silas and now he's not needed anymore. That's pretty cruel, even for a show that is almost entirely plot-based.

It's also damn cruel to Elena, who at this point has lost all of her true blood relatives. The teaser for next week suggests that A) Jeremy is dead, and B) Elena isn't going to take it very well. While I do anticipate the aftermath of what would be the show's biggest death to date (sorry Alaric, I love you, but...), particularly with Elena in the fragile emotional state she's already in, this one hurts. I like Jeremy. And I really like Elena. She doesn't deserve all of this, does she?

NOEL: It's terribly cruel, but good grief, this show needed to kill some people off. I mean, yes, they killed poor Mayor Lockwood, and while that sequence was very big and neat, her death really didn't mean all that much. So while Jeremy had pretty much been reduced to a plot device, his death will at least have ramifications beyond being a sexytimes map. This is, of course, provided he's actually dead. I have to assume he is. Now that he's a supernatural being (assuming Hunters are supernatural, given their whole curse thing), that ring means diddly, and he's probably dead. I sort of want him to be dead, just so that the emotional fallout of his demise will actually mean something. Unlike, say, you know, Elena committing mass genocide.

So does Elena deserve all this? Eh. No, because even though she's become Julie Plec's way of keeping the 'shippers frustrated (breaks up with Stefan, gets with Damon, sire bond gives hope of breaking that off so she can get back with Stefan, blah blah blah), she's still our protagonist. She's still gone through hell before becoming a vampire, and she's managed to keep a decent number of people from dying-dying (thank goodness for those rings), and she's still a very likeable character.

Also: Is Bonnie dead? Because that would be crazypants, too. She's on death's door, certainly, what with the Surprise Stabbing™ and all.

ANDY: My guess is that Jeremy is dead and Bonnie's alive. We've seen the way this show treats cliffhangers plenty of times, all smash cuts and rising music. That last shot was an elegy, deliberate and mournful. It hearkened back to Alaric's and Jenna's deaths more so than to any of the faux-demises of a ring-protected human (Jeremy included). Bonnie, however, was still breathing, and the rule of thumb for TVD is the same as for the books of George R.R. Martin: If you don't see them actually, officially expire on-screen, they're still kicking. And thank goodness, since the last few episodes have teased out some great material for Bonnie.

Does Elena deserve it? I'm more concerned about whether we deserve it. I've been less enamored of the Cannonball Run for the Cure story arc, just because the show has been taking it so much more damn seriously than past plot-engine macguffins like the Sun and Moon Curse. (Exhibit A: the fact that we were supposed to consider the big reveal about the cure's limited dosage to be legitimately shocking and not, y'know, a strong likelihood the characters should have considered all along. Have they never seen rationing of flu vaccines at Mystic Falls General?) Now the storyline has generated a tangible, irrevocable consequence, which could be the impetus to a second half of the season that's both more streamlined and more emotional than the first.

But, I'm concerned what it says if the show has to knock off a family member every year in order to crank up the stakes. One of TVD's greatest strengths from the beginning has the sheer brass balls with which it plows through story. That's a fun and daring approach, but the flipside is, once you've heaped so much grimness and tragedy onto the characters, it gets harder and harder to pull back to smaller, zippier stories.

Am I overthinking this? If we assume Jeremy is dead, Silas is the Big Bad in waiting, and the 5k Fun Woodland Trek for the Cure stretch of the season is over, what does that signal for what's to come?

CORY: I'm still bothered by Elena deciding to kill Kol and his entire bloodline. Like really, really bothered. I'm glad I didn't have to review that episode because I would have just typed in angry all caps the whole time. I understand that she's "different" now, but at least a few of those vampires had to have been innocent. It troubles me that the show isn't interested in moral questions like it used to be. Nevertheless, you make a good point, Andy. If played correctly, Jeremy's death could bring weight to a story that has been more plot-focused than ever. I really enjoyed last week's episode because characters had to think and talk about how they felt instead of just making some instant, rash decision, and maybe—just maybe—Jeremy's death will force them to do that again. Though, the nature of this show is that they'll eventually just move on from his death, like they did with Jenna's or Alaric's.

With that sort of in mind, let's talk about what ended up being my favorite scene of the episode: Stefan and Elena on the top of the hill, talking about change and acceptance. Sometimes when you have to watch and think critically about these episodes one at a time, it's hard to see the forest for the trees. For me, it seemed like the show rushed into the Race for the Cure so quickly that it never quite permitted Elena's transition to gain traction. Neither the character nor the show took a lot of time to consider what her being a vampire truly meant (some of those early Season 4 episodes did make this attempt, and were better for it). So in this episode when she told Stefan that losing the cure might be for the best because she's not the same person she was before the accident on the bridge anyway, I nodded along furiously.

In this regard, the cure storyline has a little more impact. Everyone rushed into this because they specifically wanted to avoid thinking about Elena being a vampire (among other, ever-changing personal reasons), and now they really have to deal with the reality that she might be one forever. I don't know if the show meant to tell the story this way or found a nice little moment to re-contextualize the thread a bit, but that was an effective scene nonetheless. And nice to see Stefan and Elena sharing a moment without TRIANGLE DRAMA hanging over them. What'd you guys think of that scene, and more broadly, the idea that no one will actually get the cure? Does anyone deserve it?

NOEL: Cory and Andy, I love how optimistic you are about the loss of the cure, and the recontextualizing of things, and the idea that now that Jeremy's dead, we'll have some emotional consequences to deal with. I want those things to happen. I REALLY REALLY do. But I'm not convinced they won't. I think we're going to get an episode about Jeremy's death, but then we're on to the next race: To find Katherine before she does.... whatever she has planned for the cure. And I say this as someone who is absolutely thrilled to see Katherine back. Oh, and we'll also have to deal with Silas, who I hope is a much bigger and scarier threat than Mikael turned out to be (I had really high hopes for Mikael).

But I do agree that that little moment with Stefan and Elena was perhaps a highlight, and it was the show taking a moment to think about Elena's... predicament. I didn't like last week's episode as much as you did, Cory, as I found most of it pretty repetitive. This plunge after the cure hasn't allowed for much reflection, but the show itself hasn't seemed all that interested in reflection this season, moving jerkily around 'shipping changes and their impacts and then focusing on the cure. I do like the idea that the characters tossed themselves into finding the cure to avoid thinking about it—a lot, actually—but I feel like the reason the characters don't want to think about is that the writers don't want to think about it, because they don't have an answer. Which is disappointing.

The stuff that only tangentially related to the cure, with Caroline and Klaus and I guess Tyler (but really, who cares about Tyler?), was a bit more engaging this time around. I love that someone other than Klaus or Damon doesn't want a damn cure, and I love that it's Caroline. I love that she's loving her immortal life. I get that she's new to it, and thus doesn't have the baggage that everyone else has, but thank goodness she sees it as good thing, a way to help her friends and herself. It's a little less doom-and-gloomy. But with that said, I still find her need to redeem Klaus—speechifying about him showing "kindness, forgiveness, and pity"—to be pointless. Although I find attempts to redeem pretty much anyone in a romantic entanglement on this show to be pointless.

ANDY: There's a reason that on Twitter we call her Awesome Vampire Caroline. I relished her exchange with Klaus in large part because she articulated what is so often displayed but dismissed, that this show's conception of vampirism isn't incompatible with humanity. One of the biggest missed opportunities so far in the Vampire Elena arc is that we didn't get to see much of her and Caroline relating on that level, sharing their perspectives on the human/vampire divide, perhaps even clashing over it. Instead, Elena's nature became primarily another chip in the Stefan vs. Damon conflict, easily my least favorite component of the TVD's DNA.

I don't agree, though, that this episode was taking pains to redeem Klaus; mercifully, it seemed to do the opposite. He feinted toward compassion but immediately undercut it with the acknowledgment that 1) He's content to be a villain, and 2) The only reason he'll even half-ass toward less villainy is if it might get him in Caroline's pants. (I also take umbrage with your curt dismissal of Tyler, Noel. His story has been one of my favorite parts of this season so far, and you sir are a scoundrel of the first order for intimating otherwise.)

CORY: Klaus and Caroline is... interesting. I think the show knows better than to actually "go there," especially after this episode, but I appreciate how much mileage it's gotten out of this complicated relationship. Klaus doesn't always have proper things to do other than scowl (probably why he's getting a spin-off), but this is a powerful high note in the barely-a-triangle between the two of them and Tyler. Although it's quite lame that Tyler is on the lam again, it was worth it to have this collection of scenes. It was great to see Caroline almost convince Klaus to do the "right" thing, only for his true nature to win out in the end. That's true to the character and true to his relationship with Caroline. He wants so badly to be a better person and for her to forgive him for all his evil. Yet he can't, and neither can she. At this point, he's realized that it's best that they just acknowledge the truth. He's a killer. She's awesome. It won't work. Whether or not the show will successfully pull off this Silas story is still up for debate.

– We didn't say anything about Vaughn, but he was a nice minor addition. Accents and stuff. Though it would have been cool if one of the Five was a woman. —CB

– "If anyone can get him to give it up, it's Caroline." PHRASING. —NK

– "How are we the ones that made it this far?" Because you're both plot devices and not characters. —NK

– "If I weren't a vampire, I wouldn't be able to do the nine things I'm going to do to you when I'm free." Damon spent the episode tied up. Yeeeeeeeeep. Even TVD wants to see Ian Somerhalder in the Fifty Shades of Grey movie. —NK

– Was anyone else hoping Elena would encounter Jenna in Silas's Cave of Hallucinations, as long as the dude's going to crib the First Evil's schtick? And am I correct that Jenna's the only major or minor character never to make at least one posthumous cameo? —AD

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The Vampire Diaries S04E12: "A View to a Kill"

"A View to a Kill" was a good episode to drop into. After a rocky start to Season 4, the last three or four episodes have done a lot of good work toward righting the ship. Much of the season still feels like less than the sum of its parts, but as it capped off this leg of the main season's story arc, The Vampire Diaries is at least bringing its full arsenal to bear once again.

One weapon in that arsenal that's been missing much of the year is camaraderie. "A View to a Kill" started off with a rare glimmer of relative happiness: Jeremy and Matt's bro-time had shifted from wrestling at the cabin to playing Xbox on the Gilbert sofa, and Bonnie was busy preparing yet another Mystic Falls theme party to Caroline's meticulous standards (I hate that this made two episodes in a row with no Caroline, but I loved the detail that, yes, she absolutely would notice if the gym were 10 red balloons shy of Nena's specifications).

It was a small moment, and one immediately undercut by an enraged Kol, who decided it might be easier to rub out a witch than a hunter. (Kol, it turns out, isn't very bright.) But those fun interludes, however short-lived, are vital to keeping the emotional bonds among the characters in place. Three seconds' worth of Elena busting her kid brother's chops over doing chores can be worth ten times as many sober pronouncements about protecting him from the sundry dark forces that mean him harm, if only because, to us, it's a more accessible way of relating to a loved one. Maintaining that groundwork allows the show to pull off its huge, violent, convoluted schemes and still keep us caring.

This week's scheme, courtesy of Elena, involved her baiting Kol with a false truce while Stefan kept Rebekah wrapped up in another web of heartfelt emotional manipulation. When Kol let his guard down, Elena and Jeremy would kill him—and his thousand-fold sire line, fleshing out Jeremy's hunter's mark in one fell swoop. Then Matt would dagger a distracted Rebekah and Bonnie would handle Klaus with whatever Plot Convenience Magic she had up her sleeve. Three Originals on ice, simple as pie!

Of course it didn't go exactly as planned, because welcome to The Vampire Diaries. Kol's guard didn't drop, though he did oblige Elena and us with another restatement of why Silas the Great and Powerful is to be feared. Bonnie was waylaid by the first instance of two parents in the same room at the same time on this show in like 53 episodes.

And Rebekah—forever jerked-around, crapped-upon Rebekah—saw through Stefan's head games and decided to simply give in. Their pas de deux against the deserted, melancholy backdrop of the aborted Mystic High '80s dance was a fun twist on both the "sentimental drivel" of that decade's teen movie aesthetic and this show's penchant for galas with concepts as high as their mortality rates. Stefan getting the party started with The Cure was a delightfully hoaky wink, but using the motif (and Bon Jovi) to call back to his bond with Lexi cleverly brought the exchange to a deeper level. The lines between scheme and sincerity blurred even before Rebekah's scarred, affecting surrender.

In the episode's other heart-to-heart between a Salvatore and a Mikaelson, Damon and Klaus engaged in some old-fashioned "villain bonding time" in the slightly less festive environment of the former's cell. Klaus, possibly having read large swaths of the TVD commentariat, demanded to know how it is that Damon's many cold-blooded transgressions never seem to make a dent in Elena's opinion of him. It's a fair question to ask, since the show has never quite figured out whether it wants Damon to progress along any sort of moral arc, and if so, how. Seriously, you could fill out two-thirds of an Alignment Chart with just Damon, from different points in the series' run. Damon's response (which opens the door to more scrutiny than this review has scope to get into—please, weigh in in the comments) laid out the crux of his M.O.: "If you're gonna be bad, be bad with purpose. Otherwise you're not worth forgiving."

Back at the Gilbert homestead, Kol eventually had his fill of exposition and decided to get back to some murderin'. Except that, as I mentioned before, he's not very bright. Leaving Elena wounded but clearly alive before he shuffled off to dismember Jeremy is piss-poor villaining. Keeping the white ash stake in his coat pocket, in easy reach during a scuffle, isn't much smarter. He deserved to meet the business end of that thing.

Showing up at the right instant to witness his brother's death sent Klaus into a boiling rage, but Bonnie's arrival was just as fortuitously timed. Kol's demise was predictable—he was never so much a character as a danger to be thwarted—but the resulting ramifications were bracingly intense. Bonnie's trick of inviting Klaus into the house only to imprison him there was a neat reversal of the traditional residence-barrier. I also enjoyed how clear it was that Elena hadn't the faintest idea what Bonnie was planning at that moment, despite "Bonnie takes out Klaus" being the third leg of Elena's original plan. Way to think through the details there, Elena.

So the scheme to get three Original threats out of the picture more or less worked (for now), the map is in hand (and arm, and entire torso), and most of the gang has linked up again. The next stage of the hunt for the cure is on. All we need to do now is figure out where the hell Caroline and Tyler ran off to.

– A Duran Duran title, but not one Duran Duran song? You wound me, show.

– Bonnie's had one of her strongest arcs ever this year, getting enmeshed in complex and ill-advised relationships both with Shane and with his expression magic. But she's also done so largely on an island, disconnected from the other core characters. I like seeing her drawn back into the mix of the main action.

– So, is Elena going to ever grapple with the ramifications of her decision to sacrifice tens of thousands of innocent vampires in order to advance her goals? This makes two episodes where the show's moral compass has barely batted an eye at mass murder, and for a show that has taken pains to depict vampires as decent people at least as often as they're monsters, it should acknowledge the darkness of that turn.

– Did Stefan know about the vervain-laced water when he gave Damon a bottle of it prior to letting Klaus stand guard?

– Stefan called the Originals "dysfunctional bickering lunatics." There's your promo tag for the spin-off, CW!

– I fully believe that Damon has an actual, physical Revenge Sex Handbook.

– "Put these weapons away before someone tries to use them on me."

– "Or are you one of those Mary Sue vampires?"

– "I happen to like Earth just the way it is." Kol, echoing Spike's sentiments in Buffy the Vampire Slayer's "Becoming, Part 2."

– Stefan's a fan of Say Anything, The Princess Bride, and The Breakfast Club. I'm betting Damon's more of a Heathers man.

– Jeremy randomly reminded everyone of Katherine's existence, which has Chekov's Doppelganger written all over it, folks.

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The Vampire Diaries S04E02: "Memorial"

In all the excitement over last week's premiere, I forgot to mention one thing. I wrestled an angry giraffe and won! Haha no, just kidding, I forgot to mention TWO things. The other thing was how much I adore the new "previously on" montage that happens right before the cold open. You know, for way too long we had to put up with that shot of Stefan looking out the window at whatever the F, all moping about how old he was or something. But now we have this vivid and engaging, near full-cast breakdown of the monster population of Mystic Falls and the various conflicts between them. PLUS this week's seemed to integrate actual events from last week, making it both a super general rundown of the series so far, plus some short term things to keep in mind. I think the reason I love it so much is that it finally, finally places the emphasis on this show's stellar ensemble rather than the exhausted love triangle. I mean, sure, I realize a majority of the show's teenage lady fans are only invested in which Salvatore Elena will end up with, but for the rest of us civilized grown-ups, this is a top-notch serial with an insanely deep pool of talent beyond the primary three characters. You know? It's about time that TVD began to promote itself as the epic that it is!

But another reason I'm all into this new "previously on" thing is that it serves as a reminder that no matter how much has gone down in the past three seasons, this show has achieved a sort of reliable rhythm and stasis. It's not that important things haven't happened to these characters, it's that SO MANY important things have happened that they've all cancelled each other out and we're back to basics again. No really, take a step back and see that while some characters may have switched species and/or fallen in or out of love, the relationships, struggles and dynamics remain largely the same as how they began. From Bonnie's doubts about her role in this clique, to Caroline's need to make things nice, to Damon's snark, Stefan's well-intentioned sanctimony, Elena's compassion. The new cold open suggests that we can go ahead and clean the slate of labyrinthine details of these kids' adventures; their journeys have been simpler than we think. Anyway, this all ties into "Memorial," a truly great episode of The Vampire Diaries that was not only hecka (or even hella) exciting and intense, it also served as a much-needed spiritual housecleaning for the show moving forward. That, plus TONS OF BLOOD VOMIT.

It's cool if we talk about it right?? (Oh dear God I hope so.)

In what had to be the weirdest camping trip since Stefan shared a sleeping bag with Klaus down in Tennessee, Elena and Stefan woke up in the woods and made various attempts to stalk and kill animals. The whole sequence was artfully intercut with Stefan and Damon bickering over whether Elena should even attempt to drink animal blood. Damon reasoned that basically 100% of all new vampires end up murdering someone accidentally so Elena should just go ahead and break the seal on that and get it out of the way lest she bottle up the urge and turn into a ripper down the line. But Stefan was trying to honor Elena's wish to successfully transition into a vampire without hurting anybody, a wish she clung to even harder now that their vampirism had HEIGHTENED her compassion. (Did you take a drink every time someone said "heightened"? No you didn't because then you'd be chillin' with the angels in heaven after drinking yourself TO DEATH.)

So yeah, watch out baby animals, Elena was on the loose!

Unfortunately she didn't really like the taste of baby deer blood, plus she felt too bad to actually kill the poor thing. But it was hard for her to stay sad because every time Stefan touched her she got HELLA HORNY.

Until she'd suddenly get NOT HORNY, that is.

Haha, don't take it personal, Stefan. It's probably not the first nor the last time somebody will run away from you and vomit blood in the forest. Anyway, yeah, it was clear that Elena's body was rejecting all forms of blood that weren't human and seasoned with murder.

Oh, meet our newest villain!

Connor was some kind of mysterious, powerful new vampire hunter. As a vampire hunter I'm sure that incompetent local governments that work in accord with vampire communities were nothing new to him, but Mystic Falls must've represented a new low. When he arrived to investigate the Pastor's exploded kitchen, the place had sorta been investigated but the police hadn't thought to look inside the same oven that had caused the gas explosion. Just good investigating, Mystic Falls.

At Mystic Grill, Sheriff Forbes was doing the bare minimum of work required to get to the bottom of the deaths of DOZENS of people. By that I mean she just sorta asked Damon if he'd murdered them.

In no other circumstance would an authority figure just take a murder suspect at their word, but Damon did make a convincing case that he's not really one to lie about murdering people. Except when he does lie about things and/or compels people to forget, etc. I don't know. Sheriff Forbes should've probably asked at least one follow-up question, you know? It's in the handbook. Anyway, the vampire hunter arrived and claimed he was an "independent investigator" looking into the explosions and would the Sheriff please give him full access to the evidence? I don't mean to shock you, but the Sheriff just immediately agreed without even looking at credentials. Crime stoppin'!

So here's April, the daughter of that jerk pastor who burnt up his own face, neck, head, chest, legs, body, and soul. She'd been away at boarding school, but had decided to move back to town now that her father was dead and she was an orphan? I don't know either. But the fact that she walked directly up to Jeremy and started doing an Anna impression made it seem pretty likely that THIS WAS HAPPENING.

So one of the primary plotlines was how almost right away Elena started going behind Stefan's back to get Damon's help in feeding. In vampire stories drinking blood is basically a metaphor for sex, so in this situation she was going outside of her vanilla relationship and getting quickies on the side with someone else. The weird part was, her thing was Stefan was only vanilla because she'd insisted on it. So she was in essence pulling some virgin-whore type shenanigans that usually only dudes do. You know what I mean, like when guys want to do racy sex things but never with someone so pure as their wives or girlfriends? It's a weird logic, and in my opinion that's what Elena was doing in this episode.

So here was a new thing we learned about vampire lore: When one vampire drinks from another vampire (which I guess is a thing vampires can do?) it's considered super intimate. Good to know! I was hoping they'd go further with this idea, like you can taste the vampire's emotions and memories and stuff, but no. It seemed to be mostly just a moralistic vampire society thing.

Meanwhile Tyler and Caroline were up in his room sexin' but she was feeling too guilty because of all the dead people. Tyler made a very astute point that too many folks die in this town on the regular for them to be not sexin' because of it. Then they both said how much they loved each other and then did a forehead touch.

Meanwhile Mayor Lockwood had to take break from holding a glass up to the door and go downstairs to speak to a surprise visitor:

Connor was NOT having the Mayor's excuses as to why the deaths of the vampire council members weren't really being investigated. The whole thing had been ruled an accident, which LOL! First of all, how is it that 10 seconds of leaked gas killed an entire room full of people? Like fully killed? No survivors at all? People can survive plane crashes, but a quick blast of 3rd degree burns is 100% lethal? Firefighters didn't arrive to find any people screaming about singed eyebrows and how much they hate their pastor now? Maybe they cut out a scene where after the initial flash, a huge crate full of exotic snakes opened and finished everybody off? Anyway, Connor was not very impressed by any of it and forced his way into the house.

So Tyler came downstairs (still putting his clothes on, because this household is very pro-Tyler sex) and shook Connor's hand only to realize his glove was made of vervain! At this point, Connor reacted FAST.

Tyler did NOT expect to be shot a ton of times. Fortunately he was able to get his bearings while Connor was reloading and get out of there.

Tyler eventually showed up at the area's finest mahogany vampire hospital for some five-star vampire medical treatment.

Stefan deduced that because the bullets were wooden and covered in mystical insignias, that Connor was probably a vampire hunter. Good guess! There was also the time when Connor tried to murder a vampire ON SIGHT, but Stefan made good points also.

This episode was called "Memorial" because there was to be a town wide memorial service for all the people that got blowed up in the pastor's kitchen. It's getting to the point where I'm thrilled to see ANY new parts of Mystic Falls, so I'm pretty sure this church was new? I definitely don't remember having seen it before, or maybe just from this angle. But I appreciated the effort being made to introduce us to more locations and exteriors in this world. Makes Season 4 feel even fresher, you know?

While setting up, Elena ran into April who was busily writing a eulogy for her father. Elena tried to comfort her the best she could.

But their heartfelt moment was cut short when Elena started licking her lips at the sound of April's audible pulse.

And so Elena ran away, locked herself in a bathroom and then THIS happened:

AND THIS:

HAHA OMG. Obviously this part was hilarious and the best, and is already on my Best of 2012 list. I love what a terrible vomiter Elena was! Just totally missing the toilet, then standing up and vomiting all over the mirror and sink and then HERSELF. I mean, I'm not trying to brag, but I hate throwing up more than just about anything in the world, but I am still really good at it! It's actually not that hard to NOT vomit all over the entire bathroom. Again, not trying to brag, but NOT covering a bathroom in vomit is one of my skills, I put it on my resume and everything.

Over at Bonnie's house (which, oh right! Bonnie!), Stefan paid her a visit even though she was still pretty bummed about Grams dying (again).

But in case you were wondering, no, Stefan would not have dropped by to check on Bonnie if he didn't need something from her. In this case he wanted her to look at the wooden bullets he'd pulled out of Tyler's abs. As you might have guessed, Bonnie had no idea what the symbols meant. "What are these things even, George Washington's teeth?" Bonnie did not ask this but in my mind she did.

Anyway, I feel like now is a good time to mention that I liked Bonnie in these scenes because she basically dropped the whole chip on her shoulder toward vampires thing, allowed Stefan to be her friend, and even seemed resigned that she'll never get back in good with her ancestors so F 'em. Would love to see a much less mopey Bonnie this season, especially if it means she stops dwelling on her (admittedly understandable) misfortunes and just gets involved because magic is fun? In my dream reboot of this series Bonnie walks around with a glass of scotch and a lit cigarette and gets people out of jams, but not before telling them off good. Even in this version of the show, there's a rich history of sassy witches, so I think that kind of personality shift could totally be squared with Bonnie's big heart, you know? Fingers crossed!

But yeah, back to Elena's bathroom drama. It was so disgusting and hilarious and tense! Connor, of course, showed up to rattle the doorknob while she was trying to figure out what to do about all the blood-vomit.

She ended up calling Damon who brought her a new dress and even distracted Connor while she changed. All jokes aside, THAT is a good friend, for real.

I loved how awkward it was when she came out of the bathroom and tried to explain all the commotion inside. Even Connor, who as a vampire hunter may have suspected vampire shenanigans, must've at least considered the possibility that Elena was dealing with a Montezuma's revenge situation. I'm willing to bet he didn't so much as pop his head into that bathroom after she left, just didn't want to take that risk.

Damon brought Elena a vampire Capri-Sun, but it STILL didn't do the trick.

So at this point it didn't even matter that it was human blood, what Elena craved was blood straight from an artery. She craved only the finest. So Elena was a vampire foodie basically!

At this point Stefan caught Damon giving her human blood and was all butt-hurt about being left out of the equation (understandable). But then he got LIVID when he found out Elena drank some of Damon's blood. But in my opinion Stefan needs to relax, and for one reason.

STEFAN IS IN NO POSITION TO CRITICIZE ANYBODY. Sorry. I still don't think he sufficiently apologized for his stint as North America's most prolific mass murderer in centuries. Or for killing Damon's girlfriend or openly terrorizing the woman who loved him. So yeah, deal w/it Stefan.

So a few things about the Memorial service, which was AWESOME. First we saw Connor stab April for some reason, then when she didn't stand up to eulogize her father, Elena took it upon herself to do it instead because LOL.

Oh yeah, and Connor was aiming his cross hairs at everyone from the balcony.

Meanwhile April was bleeding to death and it was dripping down into the holy water basin.

So that was his plan! He wanted to drip human blood in the room so that vampires would start acting a fool and he'd pick them off! Hey Connor, not to call your expertise into question, but you do know that humans can smell blood too, right? And they can also SEE it when it drips from the ceiling into the holy water basin? And they can also SEE huge men with sniper rifles on the balcony, particularly when those humans are standing on stage facing the balcony? But then again, this is Mystic Falls, the nation's leading exporter of obliviousness. So yeah, perfect plan!

There was a nice moment when it seemed like Elena would literally die or go nuts if she didn't drink blood, so Matt let her feed on him and made it look like a hug.

My favorite part was when the choir was singing in honor of the victims and Tyler INTERRUPTED to start talking about playing sports or whatever. It was such a perfect Tyler moment. Unfortunately Connor did NOT agree.

Whoops! Another public shooting! You know the drill, Mystic Falls, citizens. I honestly don't know why these people even leave the house anymore.

After Connor made a hasty exit, Damon gave a hasty chase.

Haha, I love few things as much as I love when car doors get ripped off. Connor seemed SO annoyed when Damon ripped the door off his truck and I don't blame him. Pretty soon they were tussling on the ground, and pretty soon Damon was on the receiving end of the Connor Specialty.

Before Connor could finish Damon off, Stefan came out and chased him away. Phew!

Unfortunately Stefan was still all pissy from earlier. Stefan is such a cool dude. Remember when Damon spent a lot of Season 3 patiently trying to heal Stefan? Stefan didn't!

Meanwhile Elena found April bleeding to death in the balcony and her vampire instincts took over!

Fortunately, Mystic Falls M.V.P. Caroline stepped in and stopped her from shredding the poor girl, and it was easily one of the most touching things that has happened on this show. Caroline talked her down from a bloodthirsty rage, healed April, assured her that despite almost being murdered just now, she's safe, and then encouraged Elena to compel her back into a state of innocence.

If you ask me, Elena went a little too far, compelling her not only to forget that Elena almost ate her, but also that she'll be her bestie and look after her from this day forward. So basically Elena went and compelled a guest-star into becoming a series regular, right? That's fine, April seems interesting and it's cool to have another human being in the mix. On the other hand, poor April? Maybe when her father died in a mysterious murder-suicide that should've been her first hint that moving back to Mystic Falls was not a great plan? Oh well, good luck, girl.

After a long day of attempting a public assassination, Connor was just relaxing at Mystic Grill. He half-way hassled Matt about the obvious vampire bite on his neck, but the main thing was that Jeremy spotted Connor's "tattoo" and complimented him, as teenage boys are wont to do.

The twist was, there wasn't no tattoo! Or more specifically, his tattoo was a ghost! Connor got a ghost tattoo, you guys! Which I guess means that this vampire hunter (and his mysterious sigil-inscribed bullets) was somehow in league with ghosts?

That would seem to be the suggestion from the dead pastor's letter to April: Lots of portentous promises about how his death was just the beginning, and part of a plan, and BTW a much greater evil was on the way, etc. Interesting stuff! Not so interesting that Connor didn't wait 10 hours to read the letter, but still.

Okay, can we talk about the Mystic Falls Courier for a second?

There were at least three hilarious things printed on that front page:

- "Career Zone: More than 500 local job opportunities"

- "Workplace: How women's changing influence our environment [sic]. A special report."

And my favorite:

- "OPINIONS: Do cultural events divide or connect our community? Officials do not always agree."

LOLOLOL.

Anyway, Stefan finally confronted Elena about having gone behind his back to get blood from Damon.

OR because she's turning into a monster and in love with someone who is often a sanctimonious NIGHTMARE. He was definitely trying to have it both ways: Be the understanding mentor helping her transition without letting her emotions get the best of her WHILE ALSO being super emotionally manipulative? So yeah, Stefan, she started sobbing when you berated and guilt-tripped her, what did you THINK would happen?

Anyway, Elena seemed pretty fixated on how much grief she'd been feeling about all the death in her life recently, and to me it seemed like that was a big factor in why her body was not transitioning properly. To his credit, Stefan actually had a GOOD idea at this point.

See, he can be a pretty cool guy when he's not awful. You know? In this case, he gathered up the whole gang (well, not everyone; Tyler was faking recuperation at the E.R. while Rebekah and Meredith were up in the club or whatever), but most of the original gang anyway. And he gave everyone floaty Japanese lanterns and they all ceremoniously bid adieu to all of the grief-thetans that had been weighing them down recently. We were treated to a very touching roll call of all the people these characters had lost over the past three seasons.

And then they released their paper lanterns into the night sky.

It was a lovely image, and for a split-second I was concerned about fire safety, but then I remembered that this town would be LUCKY to burn down. What was the harm?

Damon was NOT having the lantern shenanigans, so instead he went to Alaric's grave (which, wait, how long ago did Alaric die in this timeline? Three days ago?) and started bitching about all the other characters and how it's his lot in life to babysit them, etc. Well, yeah, dude, you hang out with high school students. Anyway, all his crabbiness was just Damon's way of demonstrating how much he missed his drinking buddy (and only real friend).

Boom. Oh no my eyeballs are leaking!!

Guys, "Memorial" was a high-stakes episode that not only introduced some compelling new characters and situations, it was filled out with dread, poignant moments, and even poetry. And SO MUCH BLOOD VOMIT. I can't impress this on you enough.

Me gusta. BYE

QUESTIONS:

... Is Connor a good villain? What's his deal?

... Is April basically this show's version of Dawn?

... Do you feel bad for Tyler and Caroline for not getting to do all the sex?

... Are you good or bad at vomiting?

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