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Here we go again! HBO has announced a premiere date for the sixth season of its you-think-it-can't-get-any-more-ridiculous-but-then-all-of-a-sudden-Bill-is-a-naked-bloody-ghost-god vampire saga, True Blood, and released some brand-new footage to go with it. The show will return on Sunday, June 16 at 9pm, and from the looks of this promo, Season 6 will pick up exactly where Season 5 left off:

So... Bill(ith) is looking as bloody as ever; is he the new Big Bad? And what's with Eric's dopey new getup? And why is Pam trying to slap Tara—shouldn't they still be making out? And what's Alcide going on about? And what's the deal with that bearded dude in the hat who appears as the voiceover warns that "the tyrant is rising—it is the beginning of the end"?

Any and all speculation is welcome in the comments. 

What are you hoping to see in True Blood Season 6? How do you think the show will fare in its first season without Alan Ball as showrunner?

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Spartacus: War of the Damned Episode 5: "Blood Brothers"

One of the most egregious cheats in fiction is to insist upon the intelligence of your protagonist (or antagonist) and then pit them against an adversary who’s clearly quite stupid, or who makes obvious mistakes. It’s a sin Spartacus has largely avoided in its three-plus seasons, and an episode like “Blood Brothers” is evidence of how richly rewarding a show can be when it challenges its characters, its writers, and its audience to keep raising their games. Neither faction in the current standoff between rebels and Romans has been exploiting narratively convenient stupidity in the other. Both commanders are smart... but inevitably, one will come out a little bit smarter when the music stops. 

Strategic savvy as much as gladiatorial prowess has elevated Spartacus to the head of this rebellion. The Champion of Capua was a towering figure, but we’ve seen Crixus and Gannicus prove his equal (or near enough so) on the battlefield. Spartacus has inspired thousands of followers, but inspiration alone can’t wrangle the logistics of setting those thousands to purpose. His will is a large factor, allowing him to exude complete control even during moments like the one in this episode where a formidable foe like Crixus commanded both the high ground and the passions of a near-mutinous crowd. But the rebellion has gotten this far because it’s led by a keen mind. Spartacus, like many a great leader of ragtag bands in the annals of TV history, loves it when a plan comes together. 

This week’s plan was to salve his peoples’ wounds while inflicting fresh ones on his enemies in the process. On paper, releasing Sinuessa’s Roman survivors—after first feeding Laeta a few plausible lies—solved three problems. It removed the wedge between Spartacus and his less merciful brethren, it avoided needless bloodshed, and it passed key disinformation to the other side. Before healing his army’s internal strife, Spartacus would turn it to their advantage by letting Crassus think them so weakened. Then throw in a feinted threat against the Sicilian supply lines, sprinkle a few handy decoy corpses to keep Sinuessa appearing populated, top it all off with Crixus and Spartacus catching the Roman camp off-guard with dual assaults, and voila! 

As a plot, and as a piece of narrative plotting, it was pretty damn crafty. Yet Spartacus isn’t the only one capable of tactical jujitsu. And he couldn’t have planned for the wild card that allowed Crassus to go the rebels one better at leveraging a perceived weakness into a strength. With Caesar acting as spy and bagman, the Romans were able to exploit the true weakness in the rebel army’s solidarity: their mercenary pirate allies. Suddenly it was Spartacus’s forces, not Crassus’s that were divided and vulnerable. 

That opportunistic style befits a trained capitalist like Crassus, even if patience looked like cowardice to the unimaginative likes of Metellus. (And even if Crassus must have been tempted to strike prematurely, given the specter of a triumphant Pompey returning to Roman soil and threatening to steal his thunder.) Throwing a few legions at the city gates, as the senator preferred, would have been folly. Instead, as he did in his gladiatorial sparring against Hilarus in the season premiere, Crassus studied his opponent’s M.O., waited for him to lunge, then turned on his exposed flank.

It’s that meticulous gamesmanship, the show’s skill at building moves and counter-moves, that earns the resulting chaotic set-pieces. Exhilarating battles—like this week’s simultaneous port ambush and city siege—are rarely spasms of sudden violence for violence’s sake, but the culmination of carefully escalated tension and stakes. Episodes like “Blood Brothers” have the brains to back up their brawn, which is why Spartacus has consistently played on a higher level than it often gets credit for. 

And like its chief adversaries, the series itself gets plenty of mileage from thwarting the expectations of viewers. After spending two-and-half episodes setting up an irrevocable fissure between Spartacus and Crixus (playing off our knowledge of history, to boot), the show reversed course in a way that both surprised and still felt organic to the characters. Crixus may have no love for “secrets and schemes,” but it’s not likely he’ll again doubt his leader’s commitment to the cause. In the teeth of true betrayal, their brotherhood was reaffirmed in the most fitting way possible: through the ramming of swords through their enemies. 

Even more jarring, after starting out as a classic midseason piece-shifting episode, “Blood Brothers” instead knocked over the entire board. I’ve mentioned before how much I love the breakneck clip at which Spartacus burns through plot, and it’s episodes like this one—especially in its climax, and especially especially its final shot—that drive home how satisfying that approach can be when executed well. Five hours yet remain in this telling of the Spartacus saga, but there’s no doubt we’re already rushing headlong toward the endgame. 

NOTAE ALIAE 

– Great touch when Spartacus said he recalled the look on Crixus’s face from their pre-buddy-buddy days at Casa Batiatus. A slight undercurrent of that tension has never totally vanished since Season 1, but the show waited until the perfect moment to call attention to it. 
– The caravan ambush, serenely paced and blocked with almost Wes-Andersonian symmetrical precision, felt like a lighthearted throwback to the simpler days of the rebellion. A small band of warriors against hopelessly outmatched fodder, slaughter as dance. It was a nice dose of pep after last week’s relentless turmoil, inasmuch as a dozen or so dudes getting eviscerated can be peppy.
– Another display of power begetting cruelty, as a brooding and diminished Tiberius could only reassert himself by denying the humanity of the one person attempting to show him compassion. Raping Kore was his way to both regain his sense of superiority and vicariously take revenge on his father.
– As only smarts can outmatch smarts, so too can badassery only outmatch badassery. In this case, Donar’s valiant single-handed defense of the gate was trumped by Caesar firebombing the sucker with some buckets of pitch and a well-flung torch.
– R.I.P., Nemetes. You died as you lived: Like a massive tool.
– “He came from humble beginnings, and now even the Senate trembles before him. I find no greater cause for admiration.”
– “The night is young and so are the whores. Linger, and see both properly aged.”
– “It is a mad fucking plan—the sort I most favor.”
– “You come to aid at most fortunate moment.” “As you have often done.”
– Body Count: I saw 52 on-screen, bringing us to 234 at the halfway point of the season. What did you think of the episode? I trust voice on matters of importance.

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by Cory Barker, Andy Daglas, and Noel Kirkpatrick

The Vampire Diaries S04E14: "Down The Rabbit Hole"

Jen suggested that we do a roundtable-style review for this week's The Vampire Diaries, and boy howdy did she pick a doozy of an episode to suggest such a format. Did "Down the Rabbit Hole" solve any of the problems this season has suffered? Were the big events in the last ten minutes worth all the trouble? Does Noel finally have a chance with Caroline now that Tyler's on the run from Klaus? Read on!

CORY: Welp. This episode gave us a lot to process. We learned that there was only one dose of the cure (duh), Tyler is on the run for the fortieth time (sigh), Katherine is back (finally), and Jeremy could maybe-possibly-perhaps be dead (wow). For an episode that had a lot going on in the first 38 minutes, somehow the last five ramped it up even more. I really do enjoy it when TVD slows things down and forces the characters to ask important questions of one another—like we saw in last week's episode—but it's hard not to gleefully sit back and let the full-bore insanity of offerings like this one rush over you. We've been waiting for the "raising Silas" plot to actually get to the raising Silas part for a while now, and "Down the Rabbit Hole" delivered that, among other things.

So let's start at the end, because it's the juiciest. Is Jeremy really dead? He's been killed at least a dozen times over the course of the series' run and used to have a ring to protect him from things like this. But I gather that becoming one of the Five means losing special human-wearing ring powers, right? I like what Steven R. McQueen has done on the show, particularly this season, but this death really turns Jere into a plot device. He and his tattoos brought everyone to Silas and now he's not needed anymore. That's pretty cruel, even for a show that is almost entirely plot-based.

It's also damn cruel to Elena, who at this point has lost all of her true blood relatives. The teaser for next week suggests that A) Jeremy is dead, and B) Elena isn't going to take it very well. While I do anticipate the aftermath of what would be the show's biggest death to date (sorry Alaric, I love you, but...), particularly with Elena in the fragile emotional state she's already in, this one hurts. I like Jeremy. And I really like Elena. She doesn't deserve all of this, does she?

NOEL: It's terribly cruel, but good grief, this show needed to kill some people off. I mean, yes, they killed poor Mayor Lockwood, and while that sequence was very big and neat, her death really didn't mean all that much. So while Jeremy had pretty much been reduced to a plot device, his death will at least have ramifications beyond being a sexytimes map. This is, of course, provided he's actually dead. I have to assume he is. Now that he's a supernatural being (assuming Hunters are supernatural, given their whole curse thing), that ring means diddly, and he's probably dead. I sort of want him to be dead, just so that the emotional fallout of his demise will actually mean something. Unlike, say, you know, Elena committing mass genocide.

So does Elena deserve all this? Eh. No, because even though she's become Julie Plec's way of keeping the 'shippers frustrated (breaks up with Stefan, gets with Damon, sire bond gives hope of breaking that off so she can get back with Stefan, blah blah blah), she's still our protagonist. She's still gone through hell before becoming a vampire, and she's managed to keep a decent number of people from dying-dying (thank goodness for those rings), and she's still a very likeable character.

Also: Is Bonnie dead? Because that would be crazypants, too. She's on death's door, certainly, what with the Surprise Stabbing™ and all.

ANDY: My guess is that Jeremy is dead and Bonnie's alive. We've seen the way this show treats cliffhangers plenty of times, all smash cuts and rising music. That last shot was an elegy, deliberate and mournful. It hearkened back to Alaric's and Jenna's deaths more so than to any of the faux-demises of a ring-protected human (Jeremy included). Bonnie, however, was still breathing, and the rule of thumb for TVD is the same as for the books of George R.R. Martin: If you don't see them actually, officially expire on-screen, they're still kicking. And thank goodness, since the last few episodes have teased out some great material for Bonnie.

Does Elena deserve it? I'm more concerned about whether we deserve it. I've been less enamored of the Cannonball Run for the Cure story arc, just because the show has been taking it so much more damn seriously than past plot-engine macguffins like the Sun and Moon Curse. (Exhibit A: the fact that we were supposed to consider the big reveal about the cure's limited dosage to be legitimately shocking and not, y'know, a strong likelihood the characters should have considered all along. Have they never seen rationing of flu vaccines at Mystic Falls General?) Now the storyline has generated a tangible, irrevocable consequence, which could be the impetus to a second half of the season that's both more streamlined and more emotional than the first.

But, I'm concerned what it says if the show has to knock off a family member every year in order to crank up the stakes. One of TVD's greatest strengths from the beginning has the sheer brass balls with which it plows through story. That's a fun and daring approach, but the flipside is, once you've heaped so much grimness and tragedy onto the characters, it gets harder and harder to pull back to smaller, zippier stories.

Am I overthinking this? If we assume Jeremy is dead, Silas is the Big Bad in waiting, and the 5k Fun Woodland Trek for the Cure stretch of the season is over, what does that signal for what's to come?

CORY: I'm still bothered by Elena deciding to kill Kol and his entire bloodline. Like really, really bothered. I'm glad I didn't have to review that episode because I would have just typed in angry all caps the whole time. I understand that she's "different" now, but at least a few of those vampires had to have been innocent. It troubles me that the show isn't interested in moral questions like it used to be. Nevertheless, you make a good point, Andy. If played correctly, Jeremy's death could bring weight to a story that has been more plot-focused than ever. I really enjoyed last week's episode because characters had to think and talk about how they felt instead of just making some instant, rash decision, and maybe—just maybe—Jeremy's death will force them to do that again. Though, the nature of this show is that they'll eventually just move on from his death, like they did with Jenna's or Alaric's.

With that sort of in mind, let's talk about what ended up being my favorite scene of the episode: Stefan and Elena on the top of the hill, talking about change and acceptance. Sometimes when you have to watch and think critically about these episodes one at a time, it's hard to see the forest for the trees. For me, it seemed like the show rushed into the Race for the Cure so quickly that it never quite permitted Elena's transition to gain traction. Neither the character nor the show took a lot of time to consider what her being a vampire truly meant (some of those early Season 4 episodes did make this attempt, and were better for it). So in this episode when she told Stefan that losing the cure might be for the best because she's not the same person she was before the accident on the bridge anyway, I nodded along furiously.

In this regard, the cure storyline has a little more impact. Everyone rushed into this because they specifically wanted to avoid thinking about Elena being a vampire (among other, ever-changing personal reasons), and now they really have to deal with the reality that she might be one forever. I don't know if the show meant to tell the story this way or found a nice little moment to re-contextualize the thread a bit, but that was an effective scene nonetheless. And nice to see Stefan and Elena sharing a moment without TRIANGLE DRAMA hanging over them. What'd you guys think of that scene, and more broadly, the idea that no one will actually get the cure? Does anyone deserve it?

NOEL: Cory and Andy, I love how optimistic you are about the loss of the cure, and the recontextualizing of things, and the idea that now that Jeremy's dead, we'll have some emotional consequences to deal with. I want those things to happen. I REALLY REALLY do. But I'm not convinced they won't. I think we're going to get an episode about Jeremy's death, but then we're on to the next race: To find Katherine before she does.... whatever she has planned for the cure. And I say this as someone who is absolutely thrilled to see Katherine back. Oh, and we'll also have to deal with Silas, who I hope is a much bigger and scarier threat than Mikael turned out to be (I had really high hopes for Mikael).

But I do agree that that little moment with Stefan and Elena was perhaps a highlight, and it was the show taking a moment to think about Elena's... predicament. I didn't like last week's episode as much as you did, Cory, as I found most of it pretty repetitive. This plunge after the cure hasn't allowed for much reflection, but the show itself hasn't seemed all that interested in reflection this season, moving jerkily around 'shipping changes and their impacts and then focusing on the cure. I do like the idea that the characters tossed themselves into finding the cure to avoid thinking about it—a lot, actually—but I feel like the reason the characters don't want to think about is that the writers don't want to think about it, because they don't have an answer. Which is disappointing.

The stuff that only tangentially related to the cure, with Caroline and Klaus and I guess Tyler (but really, who cares about Tyler?), was a bit more engaging this time around. I love that someone other than Klaus or Damon doesn't want a damn cure, and I love that it's Caroline. I love that she's loving her immortal life. I get that she's new to it, and thus doesn't have the baggage that everyone else has, but thank goodness she sees it as good thing, a way to help her friends and herself. It's a little less doom-and-gloomy. But with that said, I still find her need to redeem Klaus—speechifying about him showing "kindness, forgiveness, and pity"—to be pointless. Although I find attempts to redeem pretty much anyone in a romantic entanglement on this show to be pointless.

ANDY: There's a reason that on Twitter we call her Awesome Vampire Caroline. I relished her exchange with Klaus in large part because she articulated what is so often displayed but dismissed, that this show's conception of vampirism isn't incompatible with humanity. One of the biggest missed opportunities so far in the Vampire Elena arc is that we didn't get to see much of her and Caroline relating on that level, sharing their perspectives on the human/vampire divide, perhaps even clashing over it. Instead, Elena's nature became primarily another chip in the Stefan vs. Damon conflict, easily my least favorite component of the TVD's DNA.

I don't agree, though, that this episode was taking pains to redeem Klaus; mercifully, it seemed to do the opposite. He feinted toward compassion but immediately undercut it with the acknowledgment that 1) He's content to be a villain, and 2) The only reason he'll even half-ass toward less villainy is if it might get him in Caroline's pants. (I also take umbrage with your curt dismissal of Tyler, Noel. His story has been one of my favorite parts of this season so far, and you sir are a scoundrel of the first order for intimating otherwise.)

CORY: Klaus and Caroline is... interesting. I think the show knows better than to actually "go there," especially after this episode, but I appreciate how much mileage it's gotten out of this complicated relationship. Klaus doesn't always have proper things to do other than scowl (probably why he's getting a spin-off), but this is a powerful high note in the barely-a-triangle between the two of them and Tyler. Although it's quite lame that Tyler is on the lam again, it was worth it to have this collection of scenes. It was great to see Caroline almost convince Klaus to do the "right" thing, only for his true nature to win out in the end. That's true to the character and true to his relationship with Caroline. He wants so badly to be a better person and for her to forgive him for all his evil. Yet he can't, and neither can she. At this point, he's realized that it's best that they just acknowledge the truth. He's a killer. She's awesome. It won't work. Whether or not the show will successfully pull off this Silas story is still up for debate.

– We didn't say anything about Vaughn, but he was a nice minor addition. Accents and stuff. Though it would have been cool if one of the Five was a woman. —CB

– "If anyone can get him to give it up, it's Caroline." PHRASING. —NK

– "How are we the ones that made it this far?" Because you're both plot devices and not characters. —NK

– "If I weren't a vampire, I wouldn't be able to do the nine things I'm going to do to you when I'm free." Damon spent the episode tied up. Yeeeeeeeeep. Even TVD wants to see Ian Somerhalder in the Fifty Shades of Grey movie. —NK

– Was anyone else hoping Elena would encounter Jenna in Silas's Cave of Hallucinations, as long as the dude's going to crib the First Evil's schtick? And am I correct that Jenna's the only major or minor character never to make at least one posthumous cameo? —AD

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Revenge S02E02: "Resurrection"

First off and foremost, I want to establish that Victoria Grayson, doyenne of the "Hamptons," managed to get the upper hand on Revenge's biggest villain by inviting her ex-husband to beat her face to a pulp and chaining herself to a radiator. That happened. For a while I thought I had dreamed that, but here is hard evidence:

Oh, it happened.

Secondly, let's welcome these new cast members and congratulate them on easily the best decision of their lives, coming to the "Hamptons":

A dapper young man who's smile faded into a haunting mask of crazy once Declan's back was turned. Is he going to be the one who rips out Declan's gross beardette and throws it into the ocean? Fingers crossed!

Nolan's multi-billion corporation is finally getting an onscreen nod with this type-A minx who because the 7th or 8th character to walk unimpeded off the street and into Emily's beach house. Lock the doors, Ems! Serious talk though: possible love interest for Nolan?

Yes, I know he appeared last week and yes, I know Protectoress is a female noun but damn if it doesn't suit his maternal care and concern for Emily. From lovingly keeping her in his crosshairs to saving her from the White-Haired Man (when she inexplicably let down her guard around for 30 seconds), he's like a proud Irish lion-mother roaring over his golden-haired cub. No, I don't know that he's Irish. Shhhh, Just go with it.

In addition to this positive infestation of unknowns, the "Hamptons" also saw the triumphant return of Victoria (please let there be another gala dinner within the next one or two episodes), resetting our beloved arch-enemies-who-live-next-door dynamic. Charlotte also got sprung out of rehab by Daniel, unfortunately, after her ginormous trust fund had been drained by Conrad. And then Daniel, in a typically bone-headed move, gave all of HIS money to Charlotte to replace the amount taken from hers.

That's going to be a LOT of Adderall and lip gloss!

It cracked me up when he then turned to Ashley and invited her out for drinks. LOL, you're paying, Ashley! He just gave all his money to his teenage sister.

Despite not trusting Charlotte's financial-planning skills, I found it weirdly upsetting that Emily once again set Fauxmanda up for an emotional moment that was rightfully hers, driving Charlotte out to meet her 'sister' and watching with a look of pain on her face. What are you even getting out of this, EmEm? Yes, originally Charlotte was going to move in with Emily and Nolan (meaning no more snapping on Victoria while spying on her via ClamCam on the couch after dinner!), but now that that's changed and Victoria and Charlotte are reinstated in their big old mansion, it seems like Emily's ultimate victim is herself.

At Grayson Global, which is becoming an increasingly on-screen presence, Ashley walked into Conrad's office in literally the cutest red dress in the world and revealed to us that she's working with Conrad to manipulate and monitor Daniel. Ashley and Emily had so much more in common than they realized, if only they'd had one honest conversation they probably would have stayed BFFs. ("Did you ever accidentally laugh when Daniel insisted on reading his poetry aloud to you?" "Girl, when we were engaged I had to turn my back and bite on a damn wooden spoon to keep from cackling in his face." "LOL! Pour me some more greeeege.")

Given the absence of Lydia and the social-climbing inclinations of Ashley, is it NOW safe to assume they're having a torrid affair? Where is Lydia, by the way? Did she go down with the plane or was she just upstairs at the cabin marathoning a box set of Desperate Housewives?

Also seriously confusing to me is the relationship between Victoria and the White-Haired Man:

1. He was supposed to kill Victoria (we saw him tinkering with her plane).

2. He's a part of the Initiative but is holding them at bay for Victoria's sake.

3. He's double crossing the Initiative, an all-powerful TERRORIST agency that thinks nothing of killing elite federal agents, for some money?

Honestly I do not want to know any of the logistics involved with Victoria's survival. Her stepping onto a plane, being confirmed dead, and then reappearing in a cabin in the woods is glamorously ridiculous and perfect just the way it is. However I do want to know if there was something motivating the White-Haired Man to double-cross the Initiative for Victoria besides Charlotte's lipstick-and-pills fund. (Is it worth risking the fury of an all-powerful shadow corporation for all the cuckoo clocks you could want ?)

I also want to know where he'd seen a ClamCam before.

The fact that Victoria so easily foiled this major Big Bad character with a simple "beat myself up and call the police" routine—and then taunted him while chained to a radiator as her face did a Phantom of the Opera impression—is one of the most wildly inappropriate, visually arresting, and batshit crazy things I've ever seen on network TV. Madeleine Stowe is bringing the full force of her incredible talent to bear on a character who is now certifiably insane, and the combination is truly more important than the moment nacho chips first met nacho cheese and I do NOT say that lightly. The promo clips of Victoria swanning around her mansion in her evening dress with her bandaged face are seriously giving me chills.

Also, while we're talking about the Intiative: Is it suspicious that Nolan's sexy nerd financial analyst knew he lived with Emily? Is it possible she was sent by the Initiative to recommend an Initiative-allied CFO who would help undermine the auditing process and get Nolancorp's assets frozen? Whatever, I am going to just sit back and relax and enjoy the ride, frankly. This show got writers and I trust them in a way I trust the writers of no other show: to be consistently entertaining.

Although as a full-time blogger, Nolan's work attire hit a little too close too home. Not that I've given any Katie Couric interviews butt-ass naked, but there is not an hour in the day that I look professional. It's reprehensible pajamas by day and booty-shorts and cha-cha heels by night. Such is the blogger's way.

Meanwhile, at the Red Lobster, Declan was doing untold water damage to the walls while Jack and Fauxmanda tried to patch up their broken relationship with a paternity test, which Emily lied to Fauxmanda about! TSK TSK TSK I would have done the same thing but GIRL THAT IS WRONG!

To be clear, the baby is definitely Jack's, but Emily told Fauxmanda it wasn't in an ultra-bitchy move that's almost as unforgivable as kicking Nolan out for the night. And really, Emily, it's almost unforgivable.

While Revenge continually asks us to see Jack and Emily as soulmates, Jack and Fauxmanda seem a lot better suited for each other. I can't see Jack being a worthy partner for Emily in a game of Pictionary, let alone life. Guy is kind of dumb! Not the actor, who for all I know is an amateur botanist in his spare time, but the character of Jack is thick as hell sometimes. But so is Fauxmanda the character, and these two simple folk seem to genuinely enjoy swabbin' down the old Red Lobster bar and serving drinks, while Emily's hobbies are creating intricate alter egos and subjugating her emotions into an all-consuming lust for revenge.

So why poison Fauxmanda's chance at happiness? Fauxmanda is a ride-or-die bestie who slavishly murdered Frank to protect Emily (and even gave up her lucrative stripping career!).

Emily's karmic retribution came fast and furious in the guise of the White-Haired Man and his trusty shiv. Incredibly, Emily was surprised by his attack despite the fact she was flaunting her ClamCam footage at him. But thank goodness for her proud Irish Proctectoress.

We can expect a STORM of exposition when the Protectoress shakes Emily to her senses and hopefully fills her in on what Grayson Global's up to. It may or may not happen in Japanese with an Irish accent.

"Resurrection" reset the series in ways I love: Victoria is back. The Graysons are together, and Daniel is smitten with Emily anew. But Emily took a couple steps back, banishing Nolan from the house and putting distance between the two of them again (Nolan doesn't want to be her sidekick anymore? Awwww). Emily was kind of a jerk in this episode.

But how can you deny an episode that featured Conrad eagerly shucking his jacket to beat up Victoria?

INSANITY. I can say with certainty there is nothing on TV as crazy as Revenge and the emotionally unsatisfying element (some call it "tension") is going to make me just that much more eager for next Sunday.

QUESTIONS:

– Dapper Preppy Kid: What's his angle?

– New CFO is a possible romantic interest?

– Will Fauxmanda be so stressed about Emily's paternity lie that she leaves Jack?

– Does the fact that Emily lied about the paternity to Fauxmanda make you like Fauxmanda a little bit more?

– How did the White-Haired Man recognize the ClamCam?

– How do you dress for work?

Revenge "Resurrection" Photos

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Hell on Wheels S02E06: "Purged Away with Blood"

Man, there was something in the air this week that had the whole Hell on Wheels gang thinking about parenthood: Durant and his dead son William, Cole and a certain blood legacy to Joseph plus some regrets with Ruth, and Elam's changing feelings toward his unborn child... which all amounted to an examination of different parenting styles disguised as a hostage situation in "Purged Away with Blood." Only this sixth episode of the season featured no helicopter moms, just woeful daddies whose varying patriarchal decisions were to result in maiming, killing, and the hope for a new beginning.

Things started off with the reveal of the Swede's big sneaky plan: arming the local Sioux with stolen guns. Turned out, way back when the Swede got ran out of town, his life had been saved by the local natives and they mistook him as the White Spirit. Easy mistake, I guess. This season has touched on the equalizing effects of gun possession (with Psalms at one point mentioning as much), so there was an odd ritual in Cole and Tor Gundersen divvying the boomsticks. Would the ability to kill efficiently level the playing field? If the normally subjected people of this land ever had a chance, this was it, as Durant lay helpless as a baby, and suffered pain hallucinations in which he showed his dead son the railroad. Let's hear it for the first fantasy sequence of the series! In an image that would set the tone for the further exploration of father emo, Durant's boy disappeared while walking along the very tracks of the Pacific. When the railroad baron opened his mouth to shout, a train whistle sounded instead, illustrating a fear that he had replaced his family with the mad pursuit of industry. Durant wanted Lily to stay with him, but she had to keep the railroad running. Also, it'd probably be weird to meet his wife. Who else is guessing Mrs. Durant will be played by Kathy Bates in character as Molly Brown from Titanic?

Nobody wanted anybody to go to Chicago: Elam/Eva, Cullen/Doc Whitehead—nobody. Ever since last week's shootout, Whitehead had some government heavies on his tail coming to exact justice, but the shaggy dog sawbones seemed at peace with it all. Joseph discovered a Bible at the end of his bed turned to a passage that read, "Jesus said to them if you don't have a sword, sell your cloak to buy one." Really, there was only one loon who could have left it there and next thing you know the Chicago-bound train was getting ambushed. Cole stepped on board with his trusty sword (a this point I wouldn't recognize him without it). If there was a Reverend pull-string doll, he'd spout ominous verses like, "The glory of the Lord will be revealed, and all people will see it for the mouth of the Lord has spoken." I'm starting to think the true purpose of the Bible is to give creeps something to say before engaging in violent behavior. But the speechifying didn't stop there: Cole wanted Durant to publish his manifesto (special thanks to the White Spirit) on the front page of The New York Tribune (typical whig party mumbo jumbo), or else everyone on board the train would die, starting with Eva and her unborn child.

Even in his sickly state, Durant cleverly telegraphed the manifesto back to Hell on Wheels, which quoted America's original abolitionist, John Brown, with, "The crimes of this guilty land can only be purged away with blood…" Oh, so that's where this episode title came from. Luckily, Elam and Cullen rode out to get a better read on the situation, and Bohannon gave us a taste of his shouting voice. Good shouting voice, really like it. Cullen tried to level with Cole, imploring him to "pray on it" and insisting that God would lead him to do the right thing. Then Cole did what Cole does best and stabbed a train employee. "Blood is God here," said the man who was now irretrievably crazy.

"Sober as a judge, mad as a hatter," argued Cullen to Lily, describing the Reverend's inability to be reasoned with. She accused Bohannon of just wanting to save Doc, but that position felt a little weak. We just saw a conductor (or coal shoveler?) get sworded, so I'd say the time for calmer measures had ended. Nice try, Lily Bell. Night fell, and Durant initiated the first dad-off of the episode, half attempting to talk Cole down from his cuckoo-stoop, and half making death-peace. "We are both men with a mission in our life, willing to sacrifice anything to achieve our goals, even our own families," said the railroad baron, coaxing Cole to admit that he too had "…been a terrible father." "Great men, often are," responded Durant, trying to butter up Cole even further. Turned out, Durant's son William (the ghost kid from his dream) died at the age of 12 from cholera. Durant's wife had never forgiven him for not being there, probably because his doctor talents could have saved the boy's life. Durant justified his absence by claiming that the railroad was to be a legacy to William, which is a pretty common set-up with the breadwinner of the family. On the one hand, you've got to insure a nice future for junior, but on the other you're sort of missing the point of parenthood. What good is knowing your child to be well off if you don't even know your child? It's a give-and-take, people. Then just when it looked like Durant was making the slightest of progress, Cullen and Elam slaughtered all the natives on the train, while Eva and Doc Whitehead even got in on the action. Then Cole requested to speak with Joseph and Ruth. Uh-oh!

So while Lily rode back to get the Coles, Cullen gave advice to Elam about fatherhood. Something about Eva being pregnant and in peril of death—plus Cullen reiterating how that child wouldn't have a chance in this world—made Elam change his tune about being a parent. Abortion is one thing, but to lose an entire potential family in one fell sword swoop was enough to get Mr. Ferguson thinking on ways to raise this child. Hell, that's how evolution works! Say he is successful at getting this child to adulthood; then there's this person who's tough, humble, and hopefully ready to improve the world for the better. Not to mention Elam's contrarian relationship with Cullen. All it took was for Bohannon to say one thing, and Elam was already planning for the opposite because that's just his outshine-at-any-cost nature.

Then Ruth and Joseph met with Cole, and the latter immediately apologized with, "You and your mother didn't deserve the way I treated you." A parent submitting to a child for forgiveness certainly confuses the power dynamic. On the outside, the Union Army arrived to take Doc Whitehead into custody, courtesy of the Swede ("Just doing my duty as a citizen"). Cole admitted to Joseph that he was going to get his murder on for his son, but Joseph did not want that so he stabbed the Reverend to death. Honestly, this character was on a collision course for destruction ever since the whole beheading incident, but it'll still be sad to see one of my favorite kooks go. He had turned his back on consequences of his own design (i.e. abandoned his family), and instead of repenting, decided to wage further war. Bad parenting. I bet Daniel Plainview from There Will Be Blood could really relate to this episode.

Anyway, at least Joseph got to walk off to some badass heavy guitars, hand a knife back to Cullen as if to say, "This murder belongs to you people," then ride off. Wow, first his brother, and now his fake dad. I'm really liking his trajectory and am raring for him to team up again with Elam and Cullen. Speaking of which, Elam begged Eva not to go to Chicago and said when she came back they needed to talk about that baby. She corrected him, saying it was "his baby," and he kissed her on the head, as if to say, "Yes, dear." Surviving through it all, Durant felt lousy about being a bad father and husband, and decided he needed his wife's forgiveness. It was essentially over between Lily and himself (good). Now she's free to start up a torrid love affair with Bohannon, and then the railroad baron will be all pissed and things will be rad.

In a final touching scene, Whitehead requested that Cullen pull the trigger while lamenting that he never got to bury his three sons who all died in the war. Hell on Wheels is quite good at showing how the Civil War really messed up a generation of people, so much so that Cullen didn't know if he could do the deed. Doc Whitehead encouraged him with, "You be strong, son..." and with the pull of a trigger, Cullen ended his closest familial relationship while the heart-wrenching gun crack echoed through the land. Clearly the best way to parent in the old west is to be there every step of the way and not make terrible decisions. In a world where death is so prevalent, a child could really use a helping hand. Whether it's in teaching how to aim a rifle or host a party, a parent gains just as much fulfillment as the nourished child, knowing he or she has done their level best in supporting a personal legacy. Or at the very least, offering up some new blood for the land.

QUESTIONS:

– What were Sean and Mickey up to this episode?

– Will any of the original inhabitants of HoW be alive to witness this train reach the Pacific?

– Did Lily try to slap Cullen because she has a crush on him?

– Will Lily and Cullen finally get together next week?

– Will Elam have to kill Toole to be a proper dad?

– Do you miss Reverend Cole?

– What will the Swede think of next?

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Just over a week has passed since True Blood ended its fifth season, and I'm still reeling over everything that went down. Let's pool our info so we don't spend all winter biting our nails. Okay? I need your help.

Oh, but before we talk about Season 6,we have to watch this BONUS SCENE FROM THE SEASON 5 FINALE.

Okay. Okay. Deep breaths.

Nora knows about Warlo, so clearly he is going to be the "big bad" next season (or you know, fairy depression, or Alcide's dad's mortgage payments, or vampire post offices, because this show will play upon your expectations like a guttersnipe plays three-card monte: with misdirects and cheats).

Anyhoo, Warlo as a "big bad" may go up against Bill next season in competing for Sookie, or maybe he'll even work with Bill to obtain Sookie? Guys, Bill is evil right now, or so we assume, but is there a chance Lillith's powers could somehow suddenly desert him, leaving a humbled, naked man with no sense of ethical moorings? Or will he just stomp around being a giant blood-covered A-hole for another TWO YEARS? Because: Guys, rumor has it (and this is such an unfounded rumor, okay? Somebody just, like, said it to me at a party, because all I do is talk about True Blood at all times. This next thing is speculative to the point where TV.Com is like "Oh bitch please, stop lying!" and I assume full responsibility if I'm wrong: ) True Blood's secretly been approved for two more seasons, so we've got 20 percent of the entire series to look forward to, turned over into the capable hands of Mark Hudis, a man responsible for such feel-good favorites as Cybill, That 70's Show and Nurse Jackie.

Let's just take off the gloves and discuss the books for a moment. I used to give spoiler alerts before discussing the books, but now things have gone so far off the rails I really question whether I should. Suffice it to say, if you don't want to hear book discussion and presumably spoilers, scroll down to the line of asterisks. Everybody else, keep reading:

In the books, Sookie vampire-marries Eric and finds out the fairies were responsible for slaying her parents, not a vampire. But Warlo has been confirmed by Nora mentioning his name (and we know from the finale that Nora has never run into fairies before, so there goes any "Warlo is part fairy" theory I may or may not have been secretly considering), and Hudis may not be as familiar with the book series as Ball, who vocally loved them and kept the seasons more or less in line with the major arcs of the books (right up until the fifth season).

*************************************************************************************************************************

Also, Sookie no longer has a choice for a love interest except for Eric, if Eric is even interested. If Hudis even wants a romance, it's either Sookie & Eric or conjure up a new character, because Alcide has had been glamorized into being repulsed by Sookie, Sam is all up in that sweet, possibly dead Luna, and Bill is an angry god who will be listening to Ani DiFranco and appearing naked all next season. And Hoyt is out of town. Have I missed anyone?

Jason, according to that bonus clip above, is in highly anti-vampire psycho killer mode, but I have a feeling he'll get snapped out of that very quickly, like, by the second episode of Season 6.

Tara and Pam are very psyched about a future date. AS AM I. Will their romance sustain MAYBE two seasons' worth of True Blood's manic sexual energy? I doubt it. No one gets out of this mess unscathed, and as Alan Ball himself said to TV Line, "You have to throw a monkey-wrench into [relationships on this show], because to have people be happy is not that exciting."

Looking at the clip, Jessica managed to keep Jason calm in the elevator. If anyone deserves a happy ending, it's these two. I predict we'll spend the next two episodes with them as our Sam and Diane, all, "Will he stop hating vampires?" and "Will she want to suck other guys' necks?" and "Did we erase a man's brain because we couldn't keep our genitals in line?" until she finally just turns Jason. I mean, is there a happy ending if you don't become a vampire? Shouldn't Sookie WANT to be a vampire, and shouldn't we all if the other option is wrinkles + a cold grave?!

Moving on, Andy Bellefleur having a passel of fairy-smelling infants is clearly significant. Will they attract the pedophile, burnt-up vampire who was left as a loose end in the Authority shakedown? Will they simply be vampire bait in the unsettled, synthesized blood-free Season 6? Will Andy be forced to stake vampire after vampire while trying to boil bottles on his stove a la Mr. Mom? Will an attack on her babies mean Murella is compelled to lead her fairy family into a fairy-vampire war? What would end faster, me blowing a bubble-gum bubble or a fairy vampire war, since the fairies are about as effective as cellophane blackout curtains?

Even less effective: the werewolves. There will be some tweaking V-fiends running around.

Also, what 'bout our dear inbred rapey friends in Hotshot? Will the were-panthers make a return to the screen?

Finally, Steve Newlin is one of the only inner-circle Authority members who survived. Will he try to avenge Russell? Will he pursue Jason, throwing his hat alongside Jessica's, the werepanthers', and any number of small-town tramps in the "We Want Jason Stackhouse" ring? This could be a whole spin-off series really, and all the time Ryan Kwanten looks more and more drawn, like if someone would just put a grain of rice or any simple carb on his tongue he would BURST INTO TEARS. Is there any worse hell than having to look like you're 23 for seven years? I don't know.

Guys, Season 6 is anyone's game. Ball and ergo the books are out the window. Hudis could try and carve out a new niche, make the characters his own, or try to reset by reverting to the classic love triangle dynamic that made so many of our knees weak in Season 1. What are your predictions for Season 6? More importantly, what would you WANT to happen?

Oh and here's Ball saying thanks and talking up last week's finale like it was some big deal. OKAY IT TOTALLY WAS!

ANSWER ALL MY QUESTIONS:

– Steve Newlin: Out for blood?

– How long 'til Jason snaps out of his concussive homicidal inclinations?

– Will Sookie have a romance in a future season or is she just now a cipher for loneliness and alienation?

– Why would Nora know about Warlo?

– Will the werewolves ever do anything except unemployment?

– What's happenin' in Hotshot these days?

– Is Bill going to be evil forever or can his situation be diffused?

– Jason and Jessica: together at last?

– BOOK PEOPLE: What character from the books do you wish would make an appearance?

– Tara and Pam: Together forever?

– Are baby quadruplets vampire bait? Will they continue aging rapidly?

– Take a shot in the dark: What will happen next season?

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Today's winner won by a landslide. Congrats, qbe_64, you got some fans yesterday! I'm thinking today's submission might draw in a slightly bigger crowd, considering it's one of the most loved shows discussed on TV.com. Before we get to it, here are the winners from yesterday's contest:

From qbe_64:

Charlie: "I don't have an addiction, I just really relate to these birds okay!"

scho22:

Charlie: "You're not Jon Cryer..."

ViridianDynamic:

Charlie: "Her only stipulations to joining a threesome are that neither of us are there."

It's the season finale, you guys! Get amped, a whole lotta shiz is about to go down. For example: Luna and Sam will try to escape from the Authority, Eric will try to con the Authority into saving Bill's humanity, and Alcide will battle it out with JD. In the still below, Bill stands before a small army. BUT WHY!? Post your best caption ideas in the comments!

Check out all of our recent winners on TV.com's Open Caption Pinterest Board.

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True Blood S05E11: "Sunset"

The second-to-last episode of a season of True Blood is a precious thing. This is a series I love so much, mostly because it makes me chase around the edges of my room, paranoid: "Carbon dioxide leak where are you? I just saw someone squatting on a strip tease catwalk all like, 'What do you think of Ke$ha?'"

This was Alan Ball's penultimate foray into his insane little diorama of Southern heat and prey and predators (a world that always seems to expand in such depth in the credits but never quite fulfills that authentic Southern Gothic grit in the glossy town of Bon Temps). The inspiration to transform, let's face it, second-rate romance novels into first-rate political satire was rooted in Ball's busy brain, and as of next week we won't get any more of it. Sayonara! He will be onto like, Amish people getting haunted by witches or whatever. Life moves on.

However, our auteur seemed determined last night to turn the little world that he's presided over around 180 degrees before leaving it. Like an angry high school graduate pissing over the edge of Make Out Mountain onto the horizon of his hometown, Ball seems determined to leave his mark on the universe of True Blood and whatever ambitious hands hold the reins next. To wit: He has destroyed Bill. Those of you who have been all #TeamBill, I'm sorry. He's an indefensible villain, either gullible or evil, I'm not sure which is worse. His corn syrup and Red No.5 goddess is sewing the seeds of destruction by making every member of the Authority feel like the "chosen one" because she wants only havoc and murder around her and gooey pubes. Hercules already told me all about this: The ancient gods were petty and cruel. But what do you think drinking all her blood does?

Nora, an interloper on the viking genitals that should rightfully only stand erect for Sookie, bonded with her brother by jumping on his lap and forsaking her fanaticism all of a sudden. They saw Godrick beheaded by Lillith and that was all Nora needed to abandon a belief structure that had sustained her through weeks of torture.

Between that and kissing Salome Wildenstein, she was ready to get the eff out of the parking structure and back into the world of the living, but not before the most awesome new character of the season strolled through and had his say.

This dude! So effing awesome. If our defense people are anything like this then let's instate martial law. The Colonel or whomever really condescended to the vamps with his spastic clipped tone and ominous threats: "WE OWN THE DAY." You own my heart, sir. Too bad Eric had to kill them as part of his plan to escape the Authority and save humanity/protect the vampires from getting mushroom-clouded. Oh well, it all comes out in the wash. Most compellingly the Colonel, during his brief and intensely enjoyable cameo, kept holding up a thumb drive and declaring it had footage of Steve Newlin and Russell disemboweling frat boys. All I could think was, "STOP TAUNTING US AND SHOW IT." If this isn't a denouement for the finale, if we don't see these two churning through hard-bodied coeds in some YouTube or news clip, I will be incensed.

Jessica was looking for her own way out, and it led to Bill sending her to turn Jason. She fake-turned him long enough to make an interesting clip for an episode promo, and then allowed him to kill her bodyguards. She also kind of proposed to him while standing in a grave? Blood-smeared tears and the whole bit, like a goth teenage love song and still looking hot as hell, even with dirt in her hair. I love Jessica and Jason. He should frankly be so lucky.

But Jason has no time for eternity, he's too busy being wildly ineffective and barging in on Sookie as she witnesses "the Elder," easily the corniest, community theater-level moment HBO has ever broadcasted.

How embarrassing was this shit? How dare they make an artist hold a squat and dance around while saying these preposterous lines! It was like something out of an ABC family story about the dead coming back to life to influence a prom queen nomination or Vanessa Williams granting wishes to single mothers or something. Touched By an Angel backlighting and Ross "Dress for Success" all over it. Gross! It was jarringly bad. I am so sorry, legitimate actress who had to be in this unforgiving role. It probably sounded so good on paper and then when the film came through they had to roll with it like it was still a good idea when it was patently awful, like a high school play performed by your teachers. Your deaf teachers.

Whatever, the Elder is on various frequencies (a.k.a. is ridiculous and crappy). In another world, Alcide, who has spent this season unfortunately NOT rutting with Sookie, was furiously chopping wood with his chest freshly waxed. Werewolves spend a lot of time keeping their sculptured abs from growing hair. Not a follicle below the neck! Such is a werewolf's way.

It cracked me up that his dad is disgraced for stealing money from the pack. I'm imagining like a sock full of pennies. Are the wolves not consistently broke? If you have crazy supernatural skills that make you stronger/can hide your identity, you'd think you'd steal from a bank, not make off with the $45 that the wolves were saving up for a pizza party.

Jessica turned to Pam to hide her in Fangtasia, not realizing the ladies had enough on their hands covering up the murder of a certain no-name Sheriff. She also asked the question that's been on the tip of everybody's lips: Are Pam and Tara crushing on each other? Tara, in an ombre jacket with matching ombre eye shadow, got weirdly grossed out by the idea. Hello, Pam looks like a Barbie doll and you're a smokin' hot stripper and both of you like girls.

Pam also got weirdly sardonic about having Jessica hang out with them for a night. "Oh good then we can braid each other's hair and talk about boys." Frankly, Pam, that sounds better than your current plans: going upstairs and glaring at a half-empty goth club.

Unfortunately the slain sheriff was the progeny of Laura Bush one of the Authority members. And she arrested Pam for it and flitted around Fangtasia being wonderfully creepy, and now everybody is in the parking garage/Disneyland Indiana Jones Ride line waiting area they're using as the Authority HQ these days. Sam and Luna sneaked in, Pam is there, Jessica was dragged back, Ella is there, and from the promos it looks like Eric and Nora will return to set things right. (Also, they can both fly. Adorbs! Don't ask me why Eric doesn't use this skill more often.)

Andy, who has body-sculpted himself straight into my dreams this season, swore to do right by Holly right before finding out his half-fae baby is due in a matter of days. Please respond in the comments if you give even a fraction of a f*ck if Andy finds a steady romantic interest this season. I cannot say I truly care if he is fulfilled in his personal life, because I don't believe in his character's personal life or a reality that extends beyond "...AND CUT" the way I do with, say, Lafayette (who has gone plot AWOL).

Don't get me wrong, Andy has been super enjoyable this season and has become a solid police presence, but still: I don't care about Andy's personal life. It's right behind "alphabetizing my spice cabinet" in terms of things I want to give mental space to.

Arlene and Terry were necking like newlyweds despite all the OSHA violations that implies. Okay cool, thanks guys for not taking up any more of my time than strictly necessary. Please neither of you die next week.

Steve Newlin and Russell Edginton were lead by a glamoured Jason to the fairy field, ran around in a frankly enchanting display of special effects, and then Russell promptly slurped up the oldest and presumably strongest fairy of them all (the horrendously embarrassing "Elder").

The fairies are the worst, aren't they? Just so ineffectual.

I cannot wait to see how they avoid getting killed en masse next week. I'm guessing Warlo comes in and protects Sookie—as she's his property—from Russell. Hopefully he's an even older vampire or possibly a weird vampire-fairy hybrid.

Also Alcide and his dad killed some extras. Because vampires are everywhere these days! The weird disconnect between the value of a vampire to the sanguinistas and the fact you can't make vampires without humans hasn't really been explored, and I'm not holding my breath because you have to kind of give logic a pass when it comes to True Blood. It's all gossamer, and one mustn't dissect gossamer.

Suffice it to say, next week should be a real ol' show-down hoe-down, and as a set-up for that, this episode was passable. I loved the Jason/Jessica moment and the Colonel. I'm a little sad that it's basically impossible for me to like Bill ever again. I feel a little cheated that we didn't get to see the fraternity slaughtered (fingers crossed someone plays that thumbdrive on some platform next week), but I'm still very curious to see how everything unwinds.

QUESTIONS:

1. Will Eric choose Pam over Nora?

2. Are the fairies going to be saved by Warlo?

3. Is Jason basically indestructible?

4. Is there any way to redeem Bill?

5. What do you think drinking all the Lillith blood does?

6. What is Alcide even doing these days? Why did they fritter away his and Sookie's possible sexin' arc?

7. What are your predictions for the finale?

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