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What to watch on Thursday, October 18...

Ladies and gentlemen, what are your feelings on jokes? Oh, you love them? Then what did the TV say to the sexy remote control? "You turn me on!" (All together now, hahaha!) Yeah, I know, hilarity. But now for the real... punchline, I guess? Here's tonight's TV lineup:

8pm, The CW
The Vampire Diaries
Folks, I'm pretty positive we're in for some tears tonight, seeing as the episode is called "Memorial." But whose funeral will we be attending? Also, Stefan and Damon continue to argue about what is best for Elena and a new slayer comes to Mystic Falls with a list of questions for Sheriff Forbes and Mayor Lockwood. Oh, and Jeremy and Matt get a surprise visit from an old friend. Ah, the anticipation is already killing me!

8:30pm, CBS
Two and a Half Men
Two and a Half Men will welcome a special guest tonight in "You Know What the Lollipop Is For." (Wait, is that a trick title?) Channeling her Southern roots, 19-year-old singer-actress Miley Cyrus will play Missi, the daughter of one of Walden's friends who also likes to talk a lot. Oh, I get it now... the lollipop will be used to shut her up. But, will it work?

9pm, CBS
Person of Interest
After taking last week off due to the vice-presidential debate, POI returns to business as usual in "Masquerade," with Mr. Finch back in the library and Reese starting a new case that involves protecting a Brazilian diplomat's daughter. Who will get shot in the quad next?

SEASON 10 FINALE, 9pm, Lifetime
Project Runway
In the second part of the Season 10 finale, the still-standing contestants—Dmitry Sholokhov, Melissa Fleis, Fabio Costa, and Christopher Palu—will show their designs at New York Fashion Week, and Jennifer Hudson is the guest judge. Who's your pick to take the Season 10 crown?

9:30pm NBC
Parks and Recreation
Tonight's episode of Parks and Rec, "Sex Education," takes place in the aftermath of an STD outbreak among the elderly in Pawnee... so naturally Leslie decides to conduct a sex-ed class. Meanwhile, Tom finds himself going through withdrawal when he tries to adapt to life without technology, and Ben and April meet with a congressman played by The Secret Circle's Adam Harrington.

11pm, Comedy Central
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
President Barack Obama will make his sixth appearance on The Daily Show tonight. Will Jon Stewart grill the commander in chief on what went down during the first two presidential debates? Will he and Obama discuss Big Bird and Binders Full of Women? Only time will tell!

LATE-NITE HIGHLIGHTS:
Matthew Fox and Emily VanCamp on Jimmy Kimmel Live, 12am, ABC
Kelsey Grammer and Casey Wilson on The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson, 12:37am, CBS

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What to watch on Thursday, September 6...

You've made it to Thursday, everybody. Give yourself a pat on the back or a self-five or whatever celebratory gesture you prefer and then prepare to sit back, relax, and watch TV until your brain turns to jelly... and it looks like it will turn to jelly, considering our three favorite Thursday night shows (Louie, Wilfred, and Awkward) are off for the week. Let's see what your TV screen will deliver to your brain tonight:

LIVE SPECIAL, 8pm, MTV
2012 MTV Video Music Awards
Somebody call Kanye, the VMAs are back and Taylor Swift is performing! I love how that's still topical... to me, anyway. This year comedian Kevin Hart will host the awards ceremony at the Staples Center in Los Angeles, California alongside performances by Rihanna, Green Day, One Direction, Alicia Keys, Pink, and, yes, Taylor Swift. Presenters include Andy Samberg, Miley Cyruz, Wiz Khalifa, Ke$sha, and more, so tune in to see which musically inclined celebrities will get to be glorified by other musically inclined celebrities this year.

9pm, Lifetime
Project Runway
In this week's "Starving Artist" the fashion designer-istas are tested on their ability to sell. Basically, they'll all have to run out and find a street corner upon which to shout out at passerbys to buy their goods. This is probably not at all obnoxious for New York City pedestrians who are just trying to get to work. Anna Sui will guest judge, so be on your best behavior, viewers! We've got a reputation to uphold!

SEASON 3 FINALE, 9pm, ABC
Rookie Blue
In the third season finale, "I Never," Swarek and Andy will come face-to-face with an extremely violent child molester, who abducts a girl shortly after escaping from police custody during a hospital visit. Meanwhile, Chris has to decide whether or not he's going to apply for a transfer. You're breaking up the band, Chris!

10pm, TBS
Sullivan & Son
In tonight's "The Prodigal Sister" Steve gets a visit from none other than his sis, who just so happens to be a con-artist and as such causes a whole lot of trouble at the bar. As Steve tries to clean up that mess, Doug tries to boost his confidence and Susan finally musters up the courage to tell Ok Cha that she's sick of feeling overly criticized. Empowerment, yo!

SEASON 3 FINALE, 10pm, Showtime
The Real L Word
In yet another third season finale for the evening, aptly (or ironically, depending on how it turns out) titled "Perfect Day," Dusty and Romi branch out professionally, Cori and Kacy make a critical parenting decision, and Somer's band holds auditions for her replacement as Lauren contemplates being a groupie on tour. But the real clincher comes toward the end: As Whitney and Sara get closer to walking down the isle, a series of complications cast gray shadows over an otherwise 'perfect' day.

PLUS ALL NEW EPISODES OF...
America's Got Talent, 8 p.m., NBC
Democratic National Convention, 8 p.m., PBS, CNN, or MSNBC
The American Bible Challenge, 8 p.m., Game Show Network
Wipeout, 8 p.m., ABC
Auction Kings, 9 p.m., Discovery
Beat the Chefs, 9 p.m., Game Show Network
Big Brother, 9 p.m., CBS
Braxton Family Values, 9 p.m., WE TV
Crime Inc., 9 p.m., CNBC
Four Weddings, 9 p.m., TLC
Project Runway, 9 p.m., Lifetime
Rookie Blue, SEASON FINALE, 9 p.m., ABC
The Next, 9 p.m., The CW
Extreme Chef, 10 p.m., Food
High School Moms, 10 p.m., Discovery Fit & Health
How Do They Do It?, 10 p.m., Science
Sullivan & Son, 10 p.m., TBS
Texas Car Wars, SEASON PREMIERE, 10 p.m., Discovery
The First 48, 10 p.m., A&E;
The Real L Word, SEASON FINALE, 10 p.m., Showtime
Very Bad Men, 10 p.m., Investigation Discovery
House Hunters International, 10:30 p.m., HGTV

LATE-NITE PICKS:
Howard Stern on Late Show With David Letterman, 11:35 p.m., CBS
Ellen DeGeneres on The Tonight Show With Jay Leno, 11:35 p.m., NBC
Matt Stone and Trey Parker and Adam Scott on Jimmy Kimmel Live, 12 a.m., ABC
Claire Danes on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon, 12:37 a.m., NBC
Angela Kinsey on The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson, 12:37 a.m., CBS

What are you watching tonight?

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What to watch on Thursday, August 30...

Oh Thursday, where haven't you been all my life? It's like every week I turn around you're just there. So reliable, I tells ya! And now let's see what you've got to offer the world in respect to TV goodness:

9pm, Lifetime
Project Runway
In tonight's "Oh My Lord and Taylor" Bonnie Brooks will guest judge while designers scramble to complete in a challenge that could land them a deal that would showcase their designs as part of a 10-piece capsule collection. It's gettin' real, yo!

10pm, TBS
Sullivan & Son
In "How Carol Got Her Groove Back" a certain somebody (coughCarol) finds out she's starting menopause and gets, like, suuper depressed. What a fun surprise! To make matters awkward, Ahmed will do his best to life her spirits, but every attempt will backfire.

10pm, FX
Wilfred
In "Questions" Ryan will make an effort to figure out where Wilfred really came from. How? By digging deep within his own conscience. Is it wrong to assume Wilfred was formed out of a plume of marijuana smoke?

10:30pm, MTV
Awkward.
In tonight's "Pick Me, Choose Me, Love Me" (could they have chosen a more narcissistic title? It's so Jenna!). Jenna publishes a blog that gets releaseed into the blogosphere and spreads through the school like wildfire—but the backlash of outspoken opinions about her life choices may be too much for her to handle. This is why we don't publish our secrets on the web, Jenna.

10:30pm, FX
Louie
In "Late Show, Part 1," which is the first of not two but three parts, Louie does his best to catch a break. And by break, I mean he does his best to be more famous than he already is. When will it be enough, Louie? WHEN WILL IT BE ENOUGH?

PLUS ALL NEW EPISODES OF...
Republican National Convention, 7 p.m., PBS, CNN, or MSNBC
The American Bible Challenge, 8 p.m., Game Show Network
Wipeout, 8 p.m., ABC
Auction Kings, 9 p.m., Discovery
Beat the Chefs, 9 p.m., Game Show Network
Behind Mansion Walls, 9 p.m., Investigation Discovery
Big Brother, 9 p.m., CBS
Braxton Family Values, 9 p.m., WE TV
Crime Inc., 9 p.m., CNBC
Four Weddings, 9 p.m., TLC
Project Runway, 9 p.m., Lifetime
Rookie Blue, 9 p.m., ABC
Saving Hope, 9 p.m., NBC
The Next, 9 p.m., The CW
Extreme Chef, 10 p.m., Food
High School Moms, 10 p.m., Discovery Fit & Health
How Do They Do It?, 10 p.m., Science
Snooki & JWoww, 10 p.m., MTV
Sullivan & Son, 10 p.m., TBS
The First 48, 10 p.m., A&E;
The Real L Word, 10 p.m., Showtime
Very Bad Men, 10 p.m., Investigation Discovery
Wilfred, 10 p.m., FX
House Hunters International, 10:30 p.m., HGTV
Awkward, 10:30 p.m., MTV
Louie, 10:30 p.m., FX

LATE-NITE PICKS:
Bruce Willis on Late Show With David Letterman, 11:35 p.m., CBS
Dolph Lundgren and journalist Savannah Guthrie on The Tonight Show With Jay Leno, 11:35 p.m., NBC
Spike Lee and Mike Birbiglia on The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson, 12:37 a.m., CBS

What are you watching tonight?

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