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What to watch on Monday, February 18...

8pm, CBS
How I Met Your Mother
Hey everybody, the Captain's back! True, we've all repressed memories of most of the sixth season, but Kyle MacLachlan was one indefatigable bright spot. Why is he popping up out of the blue in "The Ashtray" to call upon Ted? Who cares! Enjoy it while you can.

8pm, ABC Family
Switched at Birth
Love may be in bloom for Bay and Noah, but rockier times are in store for Daphne and Travis, whose falling-out spurs repercussions aplenty. Elsewhere in "Drive in the Knife," an intriguing new campaign volunteer captures Toby's attention.

9pm, Fox
The Following
A phone call might lead Claire to her son in "The Siege," because yeah, this seems like the sort of show where strokes of serendipitous good fortune carry no sinister twists whatsoever. In supervillain news, Carroll enlists an old lawyer cohort to deliver a message that may have
< dramatic music> fatal consequences < /dramatic music>.

9pm, TNT
Dallas
Ryland's mission to ruin Ann's life rolls on in "Trial and Error," as he drags some skeletons out of her closet and then casts her in NBC's next Thursday-at-10pm drama. In other diabolical machinations, John Ross's plan to take control of Ewing Energies continues apace, and an old Ewing enemy resurfaces.

10pm, NBC
Deception
Big week for Edward, who discovers disturbing new information about Lyritrol one minute and engages Julian in career-altering fisticuffs the next. Meanwhile in "Tell Me," a new lead may spell danger for Joanna, and Senator Haverstock divulges to Mia his true identity. Guys, what if his true true identity is sleazy New York City prosecutor Dan Fielding, and it turns out this whole series is a stealth Night Court spin-off?

10pm, ABC
Castle
Castle and Beckett discover a plot to kidnap the daughter of a Middle Eastern tycoon, but Castle's own family winds up in danger in the process.. Dylan Walsh guest-stars as an FBI agent who lends a hand to their investigation... though not enough of a hand to forestall the dreaded "TO BE CONTINUED" card, since "Target" is the first half of a two-parter.

10pm, Syfy
Lost Girl
Bo's friends stage an intervention to corral her off-kilter behavior in "The Kenzi Scale." Can they help her kick her debilitating habit of squeezing characters' names into punny titles??

LATE-NITE:
– Ricky Gervais, Tig Notaro, and Frank Turner on Conan, 11pm, TBS
– Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb on Chelsea Lately, 11pm, E!
– Kevin Bacon, Dennis Rodman, and Kevin Eubanks on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, 11:35pm, NBC
– David Spade, dog trainer Kenny Licklider, and Aaron Neville on Late Show with David Letterman, 11:35pm, CBS
– Andy Samberg, David Steinberg, and Ben Harper featuring Charlie Musselwhite on Jimmy Kimmel Live, 11:35pm, ABC
– Artie Lange, Alison Brie, and Tame Impala on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, 12:37am, NBC
– Jacki Weaver and Nicola Benedetti on The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, 12:37am, CBS

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What to watch on Monday, February 4...

8pm, CBS
How I Met Your Mother
"P.S. I Love You" gives new meaning to the word "Canadastravaganza" when Barney uncovers a Behind the Music-esque profile of the rise and fall of Robin Sparkles. Stuffed into this 22-minute outing like the filling in a Tim Horton's bear claw are notable Canadian personages Alan Thicke, Jason Priestley, Paul Shaffer, Alex Trebek, K.D. Lang, Steven Page, Geddy Lee, Luc Robitaille, and Dave Thomas, along with honorary Ottawan James Van Der Beek returning as Robin's ex, Simon.

8pm, Syfy
Continuum
A scientist developing clean energy technology is murdered, and Kiera suspects Liber8's handiwork. Elsewhere in "Matter of Time," Liber8 head honcho Kagame mysteriously arrives in the present day, while Kellog strikes it rich on the stock market.

8pm, ABC Family
Switched at Birth
Kathryn volunteers to work at Carlton in order to cozy up to Bay, and Daphne experiences discomfort around Travis. In other news, this installment's marvelously baroque title, "The Acquired Inability to Escape," is setting an early high bar for my favorite TV episode title of the week.

SEASON 7 PREMIERE, 8:30pm, CBS
Rules of Engagement
As the old adage goes, the only things you can count on in life are death, taxes, and Rules of Engagement returning to plug a hole in CBS's midseason lineup. "Liz Moves In" finds Liz wearing out her welcome as a houseguest of Jeff and Audrey's, while Adam and Timmy forge a ping-pong partnership.

9pm, Fox
The Following
"The origin of Hardy and Carroll's relationship is revealed," according to the episode summary for "The Poet's Fire." I'll bet they were both minor league ballplayers scraping by on nothing but a dream and a love of the game, and they bonded on the rundown team bus between Kenosha and the Quad Cities, but then Carroll was all, "Hey bro, you ever kill anyone and then read some poetry about it? It ROCKS!" and Hardy was all, "WTF dude?! You read poetry?!" And that was the beginning of the end...

SERIES PREMIERE, 10pm, TBS
Monday Mornings
Based on a novel by co-executive producer Sanjay Gupta, David E. Kelley's latest foray into a world of dedicated and quirk-bedazzled professionals centers on a fictional Portland, Ore. hospital. Jamie Bamber, Jennifer Finnigan, Alfred Molina, and Ving Rhames lead the cast.

10pm, NBC
Deception
Mia's debutante ball ends in disarray when the mind-boggling truth about her mother comes out in "Why Wait." Meanwhile, Joanna puts her relationship with Will on hold so she can hurry up and start solving Vivian's murder, since that's why the good people at the National Broadcasting Company have seen fit to give her a television program in the first place.

10pm, ABC
Castle
Sinister Senator William H. Bracken is back in Castle and Beckett's sights after they uncover links to his involvement in a woman's murder. Can the detective duo bring the pernicious politician to justice? Why am I talking like the narrator from the Adam West Batman? Find out in "Recoil"—same Castle-time, same Castle-channel!

10pm, CBS
Hawaii Five-0
The series goes back to its roots with "Hookman," a remake of an Emmy-winning 1973 episode of Original Recipe Hawaii Five-0. Guest-star and director Peter Weller plays a maimed man who blames some cops—including McGarrett's father—for the loss of both his hands, and now is out for revenge. Max Weinberg, of Conan and E Street Band fame, also guest-stars... though, really, if you're gonna have a drummer appear on an episode about an amputee, how do you not call Def Leppard's Rick Allen? Who dropped that ball?

LATE-NITE:
– William H. Macy, Harland Williams, and Vintage Trouble on Conan, 11pm, TBS
– Guest host Dave Grohl on Chelsea Lately, 11pm, E!
– Former D.C. public schools chancellor Michelle Rhee on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, 11pm, Comedy Central
– Justice Sonia Sotomayor on The Colbert Report, 11:30pm, Comedy Central
– Hugh Jackman, Jessica Chastain, and Michael Bolton on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, 11:35pm, NBC
– Gov. Chris Christie and Elvis tribute artist Cody Ray Slaughter on Late Show with David Letterman, 11:35pm, CBS
– Melissa McCarthy, Mark Duplass, and Anita Baker on Jimmy Kimmel Live, 11:35pm, ABC
– Russell Brand, Katharine McPhee, and Jim James on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, 12:37am, NBC
– Zooey Deschanel and Adhir Kalyan on The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, 12:37am, CBS

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What to watch on Monday, October 1...

Well, everyone, today marks my very last What to Watch report, as well as my last day with TV.com on the whole. I am moving on to another web space deep within the cyber forest, and the journey already tastes as bitter as it does sweet (I think there's a word for that). It has been a pleasure, and I wish you all endless days of TV-viewing bliss. The lovely and talented Anngie Dehoyos will be taking over from here on out, so please give her a warm welcome—she's an excellent human being. With that, let's take a look at what's on TV tonight:

8pm, Fox
Bones
In "The Gunk in the Garage," human remains are found after a hotel garage goes up in flames, but the investigation hits an obstacle when the team discovers their theories about a particular man's fate aren't correct. Also, Booth has to run off to help work on the department's budget, which could lead to a promotion for him, but while he's gone from the field Sweets gets a temporary partner. Uh-oh, is there to be rivalry in the air?

8pm, CBS
How I Met Your Mother
In "The Pre-Nup," the entire crew starts talking about pre-nups, thanks to Barney's extremely comprehensive pren-up that he proposed to Robin. This inspires everyone to start talking about what's most important to all of them in a relationship—but when certain folks realize their significant others have opposing principles, it puts them at odds with each other. And for Quinn all of this talk has led her to respond with her very own, very real pre-nup. Surprise, I love you, but surprise!!

SPECIAL, 9pm, PBS
Half the Sky: Turning Oppression into Opportunity for Women Worldwide
I'd just feel silly not to shed light on such a well-intentioned expose. Tonight PBS will air the first half of a two-part special about the oppression of women around the world, as investigated by New York Times columnist Nicholas Kristof. Along with Eva Mendes, Meg Ryan, and Gabrielle Union, Kristoff travels to Sierra Leone, Vietnam, and Cambodia to discuss such issues as human trafficking and gender-based violence. But don't worry, it's not all sad—Kristoff also explores parts of the world that are making a conscious effort to educate their young women and give them the futures they so deserve.

9pm, CBS
2 Broke Girls
In "And the Pearl Necklace," Max and Caroline will be crossing their fingers for a call from Martha Stewart, as they have been ever since the homemaking guru tried (and enjoyed!) one of their cupcakes. But will that all-important call ever come? Also, Caroline loses a lucky charm... which probably doesn't help the whole "I hope Martha calls" situation. Womp womp.

MID-SEASON FINALE, 9pm, Syfy
Warehouse 13
How is it the mid-season finale already? WHERE DOES THE TIME GO?! In "We All Fall Down," the team will have to battle one of their own after Artie's obsession with the Astrolabe gets far too dangerous. Hmm, unless the Astrolabe inspires someone else to go all willy-nilly-nutso on everybody, I'm going to guess that Artie is going to be the one under fire. But hey, I've been wrong before! And that's why I love this show.

PLUS NEW EPISODES OF...
Alphas, 8 p.m., Syfy
Basketball Wives LA, 8 p.m., VH1
Breaking Amish: Extended Episodes, 8 p.m., TLC
Cypher Replay, SEASON PREMIERE, 8 p.m., BET
Dancing With the Stars: All Stars, LIVE, 8 p.m., ABC
iHeartRadio Music Festival, 8 p.m., The CW
Lovetown, USA, 8 p.m., OWN
Switched at Birth, 8 p.m., ABC Family
The Voice, 8 p.m., NBC
WWE Monday Night Raw, 8 p.m., USA
Partners, 8:30 p.m., CBS
All on the Line, 9 p.m., Sundance
American Chopper, 9 p.m., Discovery
Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations, 9 p.m., Travel
Blood, Lies, & Alibis, 9 p.m., Investigation Discovery
Hoarders, 9 p.m., A&E;
Love It or List It, 9 p.m., HGTV
Major Crimes, 9 p.m., TNT
T.I. and Tiny: The Family Hustle, 9 p.m., VH1
The Mob Doctor, 9 p.m., Fox
The Real Housewives of New York City, SEASON 5 FINALE, 9 p.m., Bravo
Chrissy & Mr. Jones, 9:30 p.m., VH1
Mike & Molly, 9:30 p.m., CBS
Bad Girls Club: Mexico, 10 p.m., Oxygen
Castle, 10 p.m., ABC
Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives, 10 p.m., Food
Fast N' Loud, 10 p.m., Discovery
Final Witness, 10 p.m., Investigation Discovery
Gallery Girls, 10 p.m., Bravo
Hawaii Five-O, 10 p.m., CBS
House Hunters, 10 p.m., HGTV
Intervention, 10 p.m., A&E;
Revolution, 10 p.m., NBC
Ridiculousness, 10 p.m., MTV
$24 in 24, 10:30 p.m., Food
House Hunters International, 10:30 p.m., HGTV
The Inbetweeners, 10:30 p.m., MTV
Get To Work, 10:30 p.m., Sundance

LATE-NITE HIGHLIGHTS...
Stephen Colbert on Late Show with David Letterman, 11:35 p.m., CBS
Bryan Cranston on Tonight Show with Jay Leno, 11:35 p.m., NBC
Zooey Deschanel and Maggie Grace on Jimmy Kimmel Live, 12 a.m., ABC
Liam Neeson on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, 12:37 a.m., NBC
Ethan Hawke on The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson, 12:37 a.m., CBS

What are you watching tonight?

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