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Misfits S02E03: "Episode 3"

Super Hoodie's alter ego was revealed and a mind-controlling tattoo gave Nathan the hots for Simon—it sounded like a typical day on Misfits, but when all was revealed, it turned out to be much more than that.

So, Super Hoodie and Simon are one and the same. Sort of. Who knew? Actually, quite a few of you knew. I knew too, just because sometimes I have to do some research and double-check that what I think happened in a particular episode, actually happened. Also names. I'm terrible with names. And sometimes over the course of those fact-checking adventures, I end up reading things I probably shouldn't read if I want to preserve the organic unfolding of the story, but these things happen. It was still a pretty awesome reveal, right? Right.

Super Hoodie saved Alisha from certain death yet again and after hauling her back to the Hoodie Cave, revealed his true identity. He claimed to be Simon from the future, sent back on a mission to make sure that "certain things" happened at "certain times." He was hesitant to reveal too much, but made sure to let Alisha know that they totally hook up in the future.

And then they had sex. Somehow, Future Simon is immune to Alisha's powers.

My brain says that I should be creeped out by Future Simon and Present Alisha. Alisha herself even pointed out that by telling her they'd end up together in the future, Hoodie Simon made things weird and put undue pressure on her. especially since she's still with Curtis.

Granted, I don't think that her relationship with Curtis will be an issue for too much longer. Curtis tracked down Nikki, the woman whose apartment the gang broke into in pursuit of Super Hoodie last week. Nikki also has the honor of being the hot chick from the rooftop in Curtis's accidental trip to the future. It was heavily implied then that THEY were an item. So that's convenient.

Already smitten with Future Simon, Alisha reached out to Present Simon. Future Simon warned her that she couldn't let the others, especially Present Simon, know who Future Simon was or why he was there, so it got awkward when Present Simon asked Alisha why she was being so nice to him all of a sudden. Unable to truly explain herself, Alisha fumbled around and finally just went with apologizing for being a bitch. It was a great way to bridge the gap between their future and present relationship, both for giving us a more sympathetic look into Alisha's usually prickly personality and for giving us a peek at the perceptiveness that we see in Simon's future incarnation.

Present Simon is sensitive, but he's not a delicate little flower who needs to be coddled and protected and doted upon. His invisibility power stems from feeling ignored by society and by people he hoped to be friends with. His volatile anger isn't in response to that social invisibility, but in response to people who DO see him and then wrong him: the old friend who humiliated him at the bar and Sally, who used him to get to the others. Present Simon doesn't enjoy being ignored, but he doesn't see it as a deliberate wrong so much as a simple fact of life. Simon is invisible because people don't notice him and sometimes it's better that way because often, the people who DO notice him only hurt him in the end. Furthermore, Simon's place on the fringe of society has enabled him to become an excellent observer. We saw hints of that through his videos last season, but his attention to detail extends to understanding his peers on an subconscious level as well. Simon knows them better than they know themselves. He can see through their facades with ease, which is why he continues to call them friends even though, on the surface, they all appear to be rather sucky friends.

So when Alisha apologized for past wrongs, Simon was puzzled. He never perceived any malice from Alisha and went on to explain, "Sometimes I think it's hard for beautiful girls...no one can see past their looks."

I don't care if they got off to a kind of creepy start. Alisha and Simon are my new favorites. Sorry, Nathan, here's another addition to your pile of rejections.

Future Simon got the girl this time around, but Present Simon proved himself worthy after figuring out why Nathan was suddenly smitten with him and why Kelly randomly started dating her tattoo artist. Hint: Their sudden bouts of lovesickness coincided perfectly with the appearance of heart tattoos on their shoulders, which also coincided with a trip to Kelly's tattoo artist to get her tramp stamp touched up. Nathan just HAD to open his mouth and make fun of the artist's ink. You don't make fun of someone else's tattoos, bro. You just don't do it.

So Kelly's artist got his revenge for a time, but when the gang confronted him and demanded that he remove the tattoos, he refused. That probably wasn't the best decision he made that day, especially since Present Simon had brought his A game and had Future Simon backing him, handily supplying a bag of dry roasted peanuts to use against the super-powered artist's terrible nut allergy.

Our little Simon is growing up. I'm so proud.

– Alisha watched a newscast that seemed to confirm that the ASBO Five's superpowers would be revealed to the world three months after the storm. Does anyone have any idea where we are in that timeframe?

– While Simon and Alisha got closer and Curtis and Nikki got to know one another, Kelly and Nathan decided to stop their relationship in its tracks and go back to just being friends. I was kind of sad to see them break up, but really, they always had more of a friend vibe about them anyway.

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Well, I've got to admit: Fewer people were excited about a South Park captioning opportunity than I expected. Lesson learned! But hey, I enjoyed the submissions we did get, so that's something! Any opinions on which show you'd like to caption for our VERY LAST contest tomorrow? I'm taking suggestions! Here are the winners from yesterday's contest:

From Taccado:

Butters: " W-why the tinfoil hats?! They are our most important gear. Now our opponents can't read our minds."

From shre123:

Kyle: " Are the bras even necessary?"
Cartman: " Speak for yourself Kyle, my jugs feel well supported."

From bonezrulz05:

Butters: "Thank you, o' wise minions, for pledging your life to Professor Chaos."
Cartman: "That's great Butters, now where's the free KFC?"
Butters: "In due time, my servant."
Cartman: "There is no KFC, is there? You son of a b!tch, Butters. Screw you guys, I'm going home."

I know we did this show last week, but I just couldn't find a reason not to post the image I found. In tonight's "Soda Tax" Leslie decides to battle Pawnee's obesity rates by passing tax on soda. (Topical...) Coincidentally, Andy is also working on battling the bulge, but really he's just trying to get in shape for a police-entrance exam. Andy as a police officer—that's rich. In the still below, Andy and Chris take to the track—but somehow Chris winds up in Andy's arms... Post your best caption ideas in the comments!

Check out all of our recent winners on TV.com's Open Caption Pinterest Board.

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Best known for playing a wheelchair-bound prisoner on HBO's groundbreaking series Oz and the intense Michael "Waaaaaaalt!" Dawson on the phenomenally successful Lost, Harold Perrineau may be moving toward a funnyman persona. Most recently the actor appeared in Georgia, a three-episode web series from writer-director Marta Kauffman (Friends). "It's an episodic romantic comedy. Lighthearted, funny, and touching," he said when I asked him via email to describe the project. Perrineau played the fiance of the titular Georgia herself (Mary Elizabeth Ellis of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and New Girl), and the final episode was released last week. You can watch the first episode below:

Later this year, Perrineau will co-star in the upcoming TBS comedy The Wedding Band, which centers on a group of four friends who escape their real lives to form a wedding band (get it?) under the alias of "Mother of the Bride." The show premieres Saturday, November 10 at 10pm and also features Brian Austin Green (90210), Peter Cambor (NCIS: LA) and Derek Miller (Secret Girlfriend). Until then, fans of Perrineau can catch him in his recurring role as the Oakland crime lord Damon Pope on FX's Sons of Anarchy.

And now, here are Perrineau's five favorite TV shows, in no particular order.

"The reruns filled my nights in Brooklyn with laughter."

"There may have been a lot of stereotypes, but they lived in the projects, and so did I, so I could relate."

"Because OZ was never what it seemed to be on the surface. It asked more questions, and was more poignant than just a violent prison drama."

"I don't know, I just like it."

"I am loving The Newsroom. So good."

What do you think of Harold's picks? (Vote on his list here!) Did any of them surprise you?

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Earlier this summer, TV.Com was invited to tour Grayson Manor, the epic mansion in which the most scandalous family in all the "Hamptons" schemes, dreams, and gets loose on pills. The set-design mistress of Revenge's grandest residence has put incredible consideration in filling the house with a range of artwork; naturally we took a bunch of photos so we could share it all with you. Victoria worked selling forgeries and Conrad routinely hides terrorism evidence behind paintings, so who knows what secrets for Season 2 these masterpieces could be concealing? Why not join us in investigating the Graysons' treasures and perhaps picking up a few tips for turning your own home into an elegantly appointed refuge in which you can sip gin from a teacup and craft an elaborate plan to lock a little girl away in a mental asylum? Here's a closer look at the 21 most striking pieces we saw.

Revenge: The Art of Grayson Manor

QUESTIONS:

1. Will any of these items figure into Season 2, do you think?

2. Which of these pieces would you hang up in your own home?

3. Is Revenge home to one of the best sets in the biz?

4. Where would you rather live: Victoria Grayson's manor, Emily's airy beach house, or Nolan's contemporary palace?

Revenge returns for Season 2 this Sunday, September 30 at 9pm on ABC.

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Modern Family S04E01: "Bringing Up Baby"

The word "outstanding" must mean something different to Emmy voters. Earlier this week, Modern Family won the prize for Outstanding Comedy Series, beating out a field of confoundingly pedestrian and/or aging comedies like The Big Bang Theory (pedestrian) and 30 Rock (aging). I didn't even know Curb Your Enthusiasm was still on the air, Veep couldn't keep me interested for twenty minutes, and Girls is an acquired taste. So, I suppose, in that field, Modern Family may be outstanding.

The thing is, in the grander scope of all television, Modern Family struggles to be relevant, let alone outstanding. I used to be a big fan of the show. I would guffaw each week. I championed its first season. But from Season 2 forward, I lost my fervor. Watercooler discussions of the previous night's episode just made me screw up my face while searching for a diplomatic way to say it wasn't that good. I guffawed no longer.

It's not a terrible show. There are plenty of worse things out there. Have you seen Guys With Kids? It's just that you would hope that an outstanding show wouldn't be so middling. It's not really the best at anything anymore. Funnier series? I'll start with Community, Louie, and New Girl (I'd like to include Bob's Burgers and Archer but we'll stay in live-action). Modern Family isn't the funniest mockumentary-style sitcom (that'd be Parks and Recreation). Last season, it wasn't even the funniest series on Wednesday night on its network (I'd give that to Happy Endings but I'm told The Middle has been making strides).

Last night's Season 4 premiere is a perfect indication of the reality of this show. The jokes were stale, the situations tired, and the strange final few minutes were not only bizarre but basically flouted the show's format in favor of a cheesy segue effect. Gloria fretted about telling Jay she's pregnant but we knew from the beginning that Jay wasn't going to be upset about the pregnancy. Because this show always ends with a bow on it and where there's not a chance that Modern Family will be bold enough to have a "very special episode" debating a woman's right to choose, there are no stakes. Without stakes, there is no tension. Without tension, Gloria's plot for most of the episode has no substance.

The episode also dipped into some absurdism and worked blue. When Phil kidnapped Jay and Jay fell into the lake, what kind of advice was, "Punch him in the head!"? That might be funny if people actually did that—for anything. Cam and Mitchell had the least cliche storyline (coping with not being able to adopt a child) but, unfortunately, the resolution was a hug (they hadn't hugged since coming back from the hospital?) and stuffed animals giving each other the business. Both scenarios were contrived, particularly Phil's in respect to how it played into Jay explaining why he's ready to be a new father.

Is Modern Family outstanding? It's not, though Steven Levitan would hold up three years of trophies to beg otherwise. Is it funny? It's more like it's not unfunny. It has its smirkable moments but notice that, this year, it interestingly didn't win the Emmy for Best Writing in a Comedy (that went to Louie). So how does a comedy win best series but not best jokes? You have to wonder how much of it is a lingering mystique. The courtship with Modern Family was so wonderful and whirlwind that, once we married the show, we didn't mind it bombing around in its sweatpants, barely trying, because of the intangibles like character empathy and its warm and fuzzy premise (though I would contend Parenthood is the place to go for that good old familial warmth).

Can Modern Family achieve its former glory? It doesn't matter. We're still going to watch it anyway. But we need to come to terms with it no longer being destination television. It's comfortable television. While I'll still watch Modern Family, we all need to embrace the fact that we're living in a golden age of television where comedies are innovating, experimenting with format and different styles of wit. Next year, how about we look to the bleeding edge of comedies when handing out hardware and let this one eat bon-bons on the couch come award season?

What did you think of Modern Family's Season 4 premiere? Can the show return to its past glory? Or has it never missed a beat?

– Just one more thing. On Sunday, Deadline's Nikki Finke said pretty women aren't funny, referring specifically to Julie Bowen's Emmy win for Best Supporting Actress. I've never agreed with that old chestnut, having known many women both on the screen and in real life who are both gorgeous and funny. The source of the comedy is irrelevant if it still makes you laugh. And I'll add that the funniest lines of this otherwise boring episode came from the women, Bowen (my dear sweet Carol Vessey) delivering the "She's going to get fat" line with as much aplomb as anyone uglier might. Gloria's tirade to Jay about raising her child alone, Claire's "no" to her concoction being a hangover cure, and Lily's first line about naming the kid and kitten Larry all overshadowed the performances by men in the episode, including the not-oft-overshadowed Ty Burrell. Obviously, I'm not the first to say something about Finke's assessment of who's funny, but I would be remiss if I didn't talk about this episode and share that the bright spots of comedy all involved beautiful women.

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What to watch on Thursday, September 27...

How's everybody feeling today, good? You know October is just around the corner, which means it's time to start thinking about Halloween costumes. Which, for me, means showcasing my incredible skills for procrastination followed by an uncanny ability to come up with and execute a costume within an eight-hour time span. Let's not do that to ourselves this year, though. Let's start thinking about costumes now! And let's use our favorite TV characters to help us get there. Who calls dibs on "Wolowitz in space?"

SERIES PREMIERE, 8pm, ABC
Last Resort
In "Captain" we meet the crew on board a U.S. submarine who receive a mysterious order to fire nuclear weapons at a foreign country even though there has been no declaration of war. When the captain and his crew refuse orders, they become subject to attacks—by their own countrymen—and so seek refuge on an exotic island near where their ship has been hit. Not a bad set up for a season which will undoubtedly make you question who in the U.S. is behaving so badly and why.

SEASON 6 PREMIERE, 8pm, CBS
The Big Bang Theory
America's #1 comedy isback tonight with "The Date Night Variable." In it Wolowitz gets launched into outer-space, but for some reason still gets caught in the middle of an argument between Bernadette and his mother. Oh, bother! Also, Raj starts to catch the lonely bug after realizing that all of his friends are dating. Poor guy—get a girlfriend.

SEASON 9 PREMIERE, 9pm, ABC
Grey's Anatomy
"Going, Going, Gone" opens just after the tragic plane crash that rocked last season's big finale. While the doctors do their best to deal with the fallout from the crash, they must also confront a serious loss that will forever change the course of their lives. Ahhh, it's so emotional already!

SERIES PREMIERE, 10pm, CBS
Elementary
CBS's modern day take on an old story comes with an added twist: In this rendition of Sherlock Holmes, Watson is a woman (a woman played by Lucy Liu, to be exact). Recovering addict Sherlock Holmes has a knack for solving the NYPD's crimes throughout New York City, and while this pleases the feds a great deal, Holmes's father isn't so trusting of Holmes's talents—and so he hires a one Ms. Joan Watson to accompany Sherlock and make sure he doesn't fall back to addiction. When she assists the eccentric Sherlock through a home-invasion investigation, she's hooked on crime-solving. And so begins a beautiful friendship. It's elementary! Literally!

SEASON 3 FINALE, 10pm, FX
Louie
There isn't much to say about this, except for: It's the final episode of what has been a fantastic season of comedy television and as such we should all watch it. In "New Year's Eve," after coming off of his minor win from last week, Louie gets thrust into the holiday season—and they weigh very heavily on poor Louie.

PLUS ALL NEW EPISODES OF...
SNL Weekend Update Thursday, 8 p.m., NBC
The American Bible Challenge, 8 p.m., Game Show Network
The X Factor, 8 p.m., Fox
Two and a Half Men, SEASON 10 PREMIERE, 8:30 p.m., CBS
Up All Night, 8:30 p.m., NBC
Four Weddings, 9 p.m., TLC
Glee, 9 p.m., Fox
Person of Interest, 9 p.m., CBS
Project Runway, 9 p.m., Lifetime
The Next, 9 p.m., The CW
The Office, 9 p.m., NBC
The Pyramid, 9 p.m., Game Show Network
The Real Housewives of Miami, 9 p.m., Bravo
Parks and Recreation, 9:30 p.m., NBC
Bling It On, 10 p.m., TLC
House Hunters, 10 p.m., HGTV
How Do They Do It?, 10 p.m., Science
POV, 10 p.m., PBS
Rock Center With Brian Williams, SEASON 2 PREMIERE, 10 p.m., NBC
Scandal, SEASON 2 PREMIERE, 10 p.m., ABC
Tamar & Vince, 10 p.m., WE
Texas Car Wars, 10 p.m., Discovery
After the First 48, 10 p.m., A&E;
Very Bad Men, 10 p.m., Investigation Discovery
House Hunters International, 10:30 p.m., HGTV
Prank My Mom, 10:30 p.m., Lifetime

LATE-NITE PICKS:
Jimmy Fallon (wait, doesn'the have his own talk show to get to?!), Neil Young, and a performance by Lupe Fiasco on Late Show With David Letterman, 11:35 p.m., CBS
Liam Neeson, Lisa Lampanelli, and a performance by The Gaslight Anthem on The Tonight Show With Jay Leno, 11:35 p.m., NBC
Selena Gomez, Lenny Venito, and a performance by Tony Bennett on Jimmy Kimmel Live, 12 a.m.,ABC
Sofía Vergara, Damian Lewis, and TV host Jeff Mauro on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon, 12:37 a.m., NBC
Anne Heche and Jennifer Carpenter on The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson, 12:37 a.m., CBS

What are you watching tonight?

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BUSINESS TIME

... TNT wants more Major Crimes and has renewed the new show for a second season midway through its debut season. The Closer spin-off stars Mary McDonnell as an LAPD detective in the Major Crimes department. Season 2 will run for 15 episodes and start next summer. [TNT via press release]

... ABC's new comedy The Neighbors came in with bad reviews (mine included), but haha critics! It got good ratings! The aliens-in-America comedy drew 9.2 million viewers and a 3.2 rating in the adult demo, thanks largely to its Modern Family lead-in. The show will move to 8:30pm soon though, so expect those numbers to drop a lot in subsequent weeks. [TV By the Numbers]

... The Walking Dead executive producer Gale Anne Hurd is adapting The Eleventh Commandment for NBC. The drama, based on the Jeffrey Archer book of the same name, follows an undercover CIA assassin who wants to retire and spend time with his family, but is set up for a murder he didn't commit. Oh, it's going to be one of THOSE shows. [Deadline Hollywood]

... House creator David Shore and Rescue Me co-creator Peter Tolan have sold a drama project to Fox. The cop show focuses on two Boston cops who think they're the prefect partners, until one is fired and replaced by... A GIRL. [Deadline Hollywood]

... More book-to-TV adaptations: CBS is developing a medical drama based on the book Your Medical Mind, about a husband and wife team that are both doctors, but approach their jobs from two very different perspectives and practices. That difference of opinion leads them to re-examine their relationship. [Deadline Hollywood]

... Kirstie Alley might end up on TV Land, where she belongs. She's signed on to star in the potential series Giant Baby, about a Broadway star who reunites with her 26-year-old son who was given up for adoption. But here's where the comedy kicks in: He's a nerd! Oh man. [TV Land via press release]

CASTING NEWS

... Parenthood's Lauren Graham will guest-star on NBC's new comedy Go On as an old friend of Matthew Perry's character Ryan King. That's all I got, sorry! [EW]

... Olivia Munn will stop licking gaming gadgets for a moment to do some acting on Fox's New Girl. She'll play a new romantic interest for Nick, so high fives to you, Nick. Munn can also be seen on The Newsroom. [Deadline Hollywood]

... Two bits here: First, John Larroquette is still alive. Second, he'll recur on NBC's midseason drama Infamous, the soap about a woman who goes undercover as a maid to the wealthy to figure out who killed her best friend. It's like Revenge, but with more actors who once appeared on Night Court. [Deadline Hollywood]

... Henry Ian Cusick (Desmond!) will do a three-episode arc on CBS's The Mentalist starring Simon Baker (I'm contractually obligated to mention that show that way). He'll play a super-rich playboy type who is under suspicion for murder! Memo to super-rich playboy types: Stop murdering people! [Deadline Hollywood]

... The Good Wife's Alicia has a mom, and she's Stockard Channing. Channing, who starred in The West Wing, will appear in at least one episode of the CBS drama. [EW]

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The Sons of Anarchy family has lost another member, only this time it isn't fiction. Days after a shocking death rocked the show and its fans in the most recent episode of the FX drama, actor Johnny Lewis, who played eager club recruit Half-Sack in the early seasons of the series, was found dead in Los Angeles yesterday, according to TMZ. Lewis was 28 years old.

And the details are as grisly as a scene from the show. Police suspect Lewis was on some mind-altering drug and beat an 81-year-old woman to death, had a struggle with some men, and then fell off the roof of a Los Feliz home. Lewis was renting a room from the woman at the time.

From the sound of Sons of Anarchy creator Kurt Sutter's reaction, Lewis's behavior wasn't entirely unexpected.

Sutter tweeted the following statement this morning: "not sure if folks know this yet, but johnny lewis (halfsack) died last night. the sad irony of it happening two days after [editor's note, spoiler redacted, but you probably know what he's talking about] is not lost on me. it was a tragic end for an extremely talented guy, who unfortunately had lost his way. i wish i could say that i was shocked by the events last night, but i was not. i am deeply sorry that an innocent life had to be thrown into his destructive path. yes, it's a day [of] mourning, but it's also a day of awareness and gratitude. sadly, some of us carry the message by dying."

Lewis also starred in The O.C., where he played Dennis "Chili" Childress.

This is just tragedy piled on tragedy, and a sad end for an actor who had a lot of life left to live.

Johnny Lewis Photos

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Last Resort S01E01: "Captain"

"You've been warned." Seriously, I warned you. Last Resort is this television season's best pilot (definitely among the broadcast networks, and possibly among all of TV), a thrilling hour of television that accomplishes so much in so little time, has a complete beginning, middle, and end, and even answers the show's most nagging question: Where can it go in Episode 2 and—yikes!—beyond?

We've known most of the show's premise since it was announced over a year ago: The crew of an American nuclear submarine refuses orders to flatten Pakistan after deducing that the "official" command to fire is fishy, then someone under the guise of the U.S. military tries to put a hole in their hull, and that forces the sub to park on the shores of a tropical island... where the crew declares themselves the smallest nuclear nation in the world and aims to prove their innocence. And that about sums up the happenings in the pilot episode, "Captain." (P.S. Please, showrunners, will more of you name your pilots something other than "Pilot"? Thanks.) Yet even though we knew almost exactly what would happen, the episode exceeded the giant expectations we've been setting up all year because it boasted a level of competence that is rare in pilots these days.

You can thank creator Shawn Ryan for making a show with a fascinating concept and characters that spend equal time kicking ass and acting like real people. Ryan's sparkling resume includes the gritty The Shield and the cult hit Terriers, and his talent for compacting what matters most into an incredibly dense hour transformed a summer blockbuster into a breezy, tense program. This is no-bathroom-break television that might burst the bladders of those skipping commercials on DVR or torrents.

What struck me about the pilot was how much of the series was already in place after just 60 44 minutes. Most shows love to slowly paint concentric circles, moving outward as they open up their universe over the course of the season, but Last Resort threw the whole paint bucket at the wall. The pilot inspired confidence that there's a clear road map of what's going to happen next, instead of half-baked ideas that are made up as they go along (I'm probably getting ahead of myself, but like I said, it inspired confidence!). We know the sub crew will be front and center, as will their attempts to prove their innocence after defying questionable orders. But we've also already established the NATO crew, the natives on the island, a SEAL team, a weapons technology specialist back in Washington, D.C., a rear admiral in the Capitol, and whatever other political figures are pulling strings for their own gain. There's an impossible amount of stuff going on, but it's important to note the difference between a ton of story threads included fill time and a ton of story threads that are interesting. Last Resort is full of interesting.

There were a couple of plots that stood out to me in particular as having the potential to explode with intrigue and give the series the stamina it needs to fill an entire season. First, Captain Marcus Chaplin (the always awesome Andre Braugher) didn't exactly knock on the door of Sainte Marina, he kicked that shit in. That in turn upset the previous big shot of the island, a charismatic warlord named Julian (Broadway's Fela, Sahr Ngaujah) who is used to the simple tactic of barking the loudest to get his way. Julian and his men are going to represent the close danger—like unmasked Others—to Chaplin's crew, preventing them from turning Sainte Marina into a Sandals resort with a few tons of plutonium offshore. That's practically a show in of itself. And the other surprising plot that jumped out to me involved the man who stood up to Julian, James King (Aussie actor Daniel Lissing). As one of the SEAL team members who was plucked out of the ocean by the USS Colorado, King's the mixed-up man who knows a lot more about what's going on than most. The guy was in tears watching the destruction on TV, saying it was his fault, and his wounded buddy pretty much said they hit the wrong target. What botched secret mission were they on, and how is it connected to what happened in Pakistan? And how long before he gets freaky with Dichen Lachman's sexy native bartender Tani under a palm tree? Not-so-bold prediction: not long.

But what really drove the pilot and kept it afloat was Andre Braugher's performance as Chaplin, a man so commanding that he keeps any preposterous thoughts the audience might have at bay. I don't know about you, but if we were out of torpedoes and he told me to crawl into a torpedo tube, I would. There aren't many actors who could handle this role, but Braugher is perfect as Chaplin. Here's a man who practices defiance and patriotism, a character that both sides of the Congressional aisle can get behind. It's that dogma that's the heart and soul of the show. And just to prove that he's more than another blowhard submarine boss (I'm looking at you, Denzel!), he pulled that crazy stunt at the end of the episode. Facing death by bomber, he was prepared to back off and detonate the missile he launched on D.C., because he played a game of chicken and thought he lost. He didn't need the death of others to end up on his rap sheet. But what made him such a complex character was his decision to carry out his threat (mostly) once word of the bombers' retreat came across. This is a man practicing what he preaches. He told Sam Kendal (Scott Speedman) the genius of President Reagan's lunatic decisions decades ago: Image is everything, and if your enemies can predict your next move, they'll defeat you. And while we know he was doing it for show, there's a little spot in the back of our mind that says if he's willing to go that far that easily, could he go a little further? (Although I guess I have my doubts that a nuclear blast 200 miles offshore is completely harmless. Poor fishies.)

Having watched the pilot in advance on my computer, I can't say whether the special effects will pop as much in glorious HD on a big screen, but what I saw looked fantastic. Fact: Missiles flying out of the water (or into the water) look awesome, and while most or all of the submarine shots weren't real, I couldn't tell and most importantly I wasn't trying to differentiate between real and fake. I also loved the tilting camera angle as the sub pitched and yawed, and that the interior shots felt both claustrophobic and authentic. I would assume that moving forward we'll spend less time inside the sub, though, as it will be used more as a symbol of power than as a means to get around.

The biggest compliment any pilot can get is a burning desire to tune in for Episode 2, and that's what we have here with Last Resort. This is a cable show that somehow found its way to network television, and it'll have that uphill battle to climb (not to mention a difficult time slot against CBS comedies, The X Factor, and, well actually not NBC any more so never mind). Good television does not always translate to a successful run, but this one has a chance.

– One other thing I noticed, or should I say didn't notice, was the necessary exposition that typically drags down pilots. Details flowed in normal conversation because things were written in a way that weren't intrusive or insulting to our intelligence. And it didn't hurt that Autumn Reeser did some (s)exposition in her delicates. It may take a few rewinds to hear what she said, but it certainly didn't grind things to a halt.

– The character I was most worried about in the series was Grace Shepard (Daisy Betts), the pretty third-in-command on the sub with no experience who fills the requisite "C'mon, a bunch of dudes are going to take orders from a chick?" question. But having her kill a guy in the first episode certainly raised her beyond the expected stereotype. And to Betts' credit, she played nervous and awkward very well as her character roamed a sub full of people who didn't think she belonged there.

– I'm having problems figuring out the estimated location in which everything took place. From the maps on the NATO screens, it appears Sainte Marina is in the Indian Ocean. Does anyone else have a better estimate?

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In the Season 1 finale of Once Upon a Time, we saw a purple cloud swallow up Storybrooke just as the inhabitants remembered their pre-existing lives as fairies, princesses, and werewolves. Remembering their true pasts will be a big upgrade for some, but for others it will be a huge inconvenience. ("Oh right, I ate my boyfriend that one time." —Ruby) The individual battle for a cohesive personal identity will be fought alongside the larger war between good and evil that will be unleashed now Mr. Gold has returned magic powers to the frumpy denizens of this small Maine town, and one of the battlefields for both those struggles will be people's hair and clothes.

So join me while I use my very entry-level Photoshop skills to mock up some makeovers for our Storybrooke characters now that their memories—and their magic—has been restored.

I CANNOT WAIT for the fairies'—the Blue Fairy and the Seriously Stupid Fairy—real personalities to start manifesting. As one of the more potent forces for good, if magic indeed comes back into Storybrooke the fairies will be large and in charge and looking very silly. I mean, let's be real: The fairies back in the fairy-tale world looked like strippers as styled by Lisa Frank, and while I'm not sure if having their memories suppressed will affect their monastic vows, I have no doubt they are going to be giving the nun dress code the old heave-ho and slathering themselves in body glitter and hair jewels and glitter tattoos and everything else a dizzy 14-year-old would pick up at a Wal-Mart a week before the Big Dance. Consistency, Kitsis and Horowitz! These ladies better have fake eyelashes and glow-in-the-dark nail polish in Season 2!

Now that he's got his lady, his magic, and his hair straightener back, it would seem that Mr. Gold has it all. Or will the return of magic come at the cost of Belle? Would Belle and Rumple's kiss of true love be the one thing that could break this new spell, which is based in true love? I hope not, but if that is the case, then can't Belle just kiss him everywhere BUT his mouth? I'm going to assume the purple cloud WON'T change Mr. Gold back into his former self, looking like a reptile who crawled through some body glitter, because then wouldn't the feds get involved? (Although hopefully some form of state news covers the purple cloud. China's Yangtze River going red did make international headlines.)

I personally am looking forward to a Dexter-like arc where Ruby uses her werewolf transitioning, returned by Mr. Gold's magic, to take out enemies of Snow's family. And then, eventually, people who piss her off or smell tasty (do not wear vanilla body spray in Storybrooke). I see a lot of red plaids for her (they hide bloodstains well), a more nude makeup scheme (wolves look stupid in cat-eye liner), and blood all up in her mouth:

Mary Margaret was enough of a chump to get strung along by David Nolan, framed by Regina, and keep the top pearl buttons buttoned on her numerous beige cardigans. We saw Mary and David embrace as their better selves, Snow and Charming, before the cloud hit, and of course we want to know how are they going to deal with their grizzled, grizzled daughter and all her problems. Luckily, Snow White is an ass-kicking, blood-lusty woman who may know how to "reach" troubled bounty-hunter Emma. But, much like Emma, even when she acted tough Snow LOOOVED her some extensions. She also jazzed up her active wear with crushed velvet cowls, and shameless real fur accents. Hopefully Mary Margaret will tap into Snow's bad-assery enough to weaponize and defend her super-awkward new family.

Charming was never a prince, he was a shaggy-headed shepherd who got swapped in for a speared Prince. So for him I predict a return to woolen sweaters, the reemergence of his curly fro (see the Season 1 episode "The Shephard" for evidence), and definitely Birkenstock clogs (not pictured). This low-key cozy-man lifestyle fits in better with how David's acted during Season 1: like a total scrub, cowardly stringing along a wife and mistress and occasionally going for stoned walks in the woods. (Remember when Mary Margaret kept finding him just standing all Blair Witch in the wilderness after Cathryn went missing? Did he come across the pot patch Mr. Gold's been growing out there? Who knows.) I'd be totally delighted if he regained the courage and swagger he had as Charming, but I cannot allow that kind of hope.

Emma has a lot on her hands: She brought her child back to life with a single kiss, and now she may have to face parents her same age, one of whom used to be her nerdy roommate. Obviously she'll be the main target of Regina, and I'd assume Emma is now Henry's de facto guardian. With all this going on, Emma has no choice but to cut her hair. Seriously, she has been carrying around a thatch of twenty pounds' worth of matted blonde sausage curls like she's Mary Pickford or something. It's time for a tasteful pageboy or a nice A-line. In fact, here's a range of styles of medium to short length hair that will look great on Emma:

Well, cat's out of the bag. Everyone knows you're evil, even your own son, and that you're responsible for everyone's damp and miserable and boring lives. You can no longer fool anyone into thinking you're a sleek, sensible, single-mom mayor, 'cuz everyone knows you're just a psychopathic EVIL WITCH. So OWN it, baby, own it, that's the only way to go. We've seen Regina in crazy bangs and pilgrim hats and leather ball gowns in flashbacks, and with the variety of synthetic materials available here on Earth she has no excuse for not becoming the Lady Gaga of Storybrooke. The best defense is a good offense and a bewildering plastic ball gown is one hell of an offense, on the senses and otherwise. Who knows what Regina will do with magic in the real world, but if she really wanted to she could at least get a single on the charts.

Am I obsessing too much? I might be, but let me know who I missed and what changes you think they're going to be making going into Season 2!

QUESTIONS:

– So how do you think the characters of Storybrooke will change now that they've got their memories and magic back?

– Who do you think might be disappointed about getting their magic back?

– What will happen with Rumple and Belle? Will Mr. Gold stay looking human or will using magic cost him his dreamboat looks?

– Snow and Charming and Emma and Henry: super-awkward family nights or better late than never?

Once Upon a Time Season 2 premieres this Sunday, September 30 at 8pm on ABC.

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When I first watched the pilot of The Mindy Project this summer, I thought it was a bust, and not just because the title sounds like everyone blew off the "naming our show is important" meeting. It was interesting, even a little dark for a sitcom, but during my first watch, the episode got broader and broader to the point of diluting its promising bit of originality. The trope of a woman who is a mess in her social life but amazing in her professional one is usually not irritating, but as of late The Newsroom has abused that dichotomy by employing a couple of hysterical savants. Many of the jokes in the pilot were tepid and, while it didn't turn me off from wanting to watch more, my promised perseverance was only in hopes that it would get better fast. Instead of being excited for a new show from a strong female voice, I'd basically started my countdown to the four-episode decision.

Then I finally got around to reading Mindy Kaling's book, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (and Other Concerns). I don't want to sound like an infomercial so I'll just tell you it's good and funny and walks a fine line between candid and TMI, like you might expect from Kaling. But, more than anything, it made me reconsider The Mindy Project.

The show and the book are not supposed to be intentionally linked (I don't think), but it's hard not to draw on one to fill in the other. I'll recount the characteristics that reminded me of each in Kaling's own "pliest" style. In her book, that's how she describes essays "with a list-y quality." You might know it better as "80 percent of all professional blog entries."

Note: For all our sanity, I'll refer to Mindy the writer/actor as Kaling. For the character in the show (the OB/crazy person), I'll use her last name, Lahiri.

My first pass of the opening narration made me think of Carrie Bradshaw's "clever" meditations on the trivialities and tragedies of first-world life—if not in content, at least in tone and cadence. Kaling mentions in one of her chapters the grip Sex and the City had on the city of New York in the early aughts. How soon I forget that telling someone they were a Charlotte used to be a legitimate thing to say and not reason to stop a conversation.

So the book reinforced my initial reaction. My initial, such-a-boy reaction. After the pilot became available. I read that viewers, women specifically, felt Lahiri's asides and soliloquized quips reminded them of their own inner monologues. And while I feel that Carrie Bradshaw's columns weren't representative of women so much as embodiments of unchecked and often-encouraged evil, her narration is frequently considered part of that same conversation, a voice for a gender whose voice is so often misrepresented, ignored entirely, or reduced to nagging set-up for a fat man's punchline. That's not to say I think Lahiri is derivative as a character or that Kaling is copying the SATC model. Girls often gets unfairly saddled with that accusation. Putting Girls and The Mindy Project in the same sentence with SATC is more of a compliment to Lena Dunham and Kaling that there's room for the voices of confident women who inspire emotional connections in a female audience.

While it would've been easy and interesting for Kaling to set her show within the realm of her actual career, I understand the need to fictionalize a universe (because we don't want to follow Tina Fey all the way down the rabbit hole), and I thank Kaling profusely for sparing us a Hollywood-based sitcom. My first viewing of the pilot had me seeing the parallel between Lahiri's position of birthing children/holding the hands of women as they move into the next phase of their lives and Lahiri's own transition... but the impact was later compounded by knowing that Kaling's mother is also an obstetrician. Write what you know, sure. Write the life where you follow in a parent's footsteps? That's just good karma.

Kaling fictionalized the world of the show by changing a few key factors about her own life—her occupation, and making Lahiri essentially an ambitious Kelly Kapoor (who Kaling insists is not anything like her in real life). One important thing the author and the character share, however, is the way romantic comedies figure into their lives. Both the book and the show document how Kaling/Lahiri always made time for rom-coms, to the detriment of a social life. But the result of that life is where the personality and the character diverge. Look, I can only assume things about Kaling based on the media-spun interviews and PR-biased interpretation of her, just like I can only assume Olivia Wilde is the coolest, hottest humanitarian this side of Angelina Jolie who would be totally into a polyamorous relationship with me and my girlfriend. That's what I get from interviews, anyway.

But from Kaling's book you get the impression that her romantic perspective is hopeful, even naive at times, when it comes to the subject of true love. Lahiri, meanwhile, is jaded—spurned by the reality of storybook love not working out and surviving its existential aftermath. It's almost as if Kaling is exploring the other side, the Sliding Doors dark side, one where she emerges from the pain to find the perfect partner while Dido is playing somewhere.

Lahiri's best friend is a beautiful blonde woman named Gwen (Anna Camp). Kaling's best friend is a beautiful blonde woman named Bren. Not exactly revelatory.

Chris Rock visited The Daily Show a couple months ago to promote Two Days in New York (do you remember that was a movie?), and he and Jon Stewart discussed the constant need for new material in the age of YouTube, where people broadcast everything you say and there's a constant demand for new content. I see both sides of the issue: I've watched Eddie Izzard's Dress to Kill about 90 times, but if I saw him do it live tomorrow, I'd be a little disappointed.

So what I will say is this: While the jokes in the pilot were mostly asides or quick punchlines, they're jumping-off points in the book. The essays almost become footnotes or writer's commentary to the episode itself. It might be a little early in Kaling's celebrity to say they're "callbacks," but the one-liners that were supposed to elicit a chuckle in the pilot are actually the suggestion of deeper material. Which leads me to...

After Lahiri suffered her heart for nearly the entire pilot, the man you can only assume will be the actual, eventual love interest—Daniel—interrogated his coworker as to whether she thought her latest date was a boy or a man. In the book, Kaling dedicates an entire essay to this subject, saying how she used to be scared of "men" and would only date "boys." Kaling says that, once she crossed into the realm of the thirty-year-old, males who were "committed" and "entrenched" were more appealing than the kind of boys who still carry around skateboards for transportation.

The Daniel character is the Kaling voice of experience speaking with a Jersey accent. Watching the pilot alone, the speech might get diluted by both the fact that Daniel is obviously talking about himself as the perfect male specimen for dating and the possibility that the show is setting up sexual tension between Daniel and Lahiri. The book as a companion reinforces that this is honestly a step toward being all growed up. The transition from boys to men is a sign of Lahiri busting free of her arrested adulthood, the necessary turnaround to kick off the series. Although it's almost assured that none of the men Kaling discusses in the book would punch a dude at a Springsteen concert for wearing the wrong T-shirt, you get the idea.

All told, the episode came to life for me after reading the book. It was elevated from pedestrian and uneven; I made a connection to the episode through the celebrity persona of Mindy Kaling. Whether or not she considered the book to be a companion piece while developing her show is irrelevant. Providing a candid document as source material for a show that is superficially fiction is an interesting tactic to make a show more compelling. It makes you question what's real and what's completely fabricated. It contextualizes heartbreaking or ridiculous circumstances. Maybe most importantly, it connects the audience with the central character in a way that a 22-minute pilot can struggle to do. Mindy Kaling is your friend. And you want to watch your friend do well.

That being said, don't feel like you need to read the book to enjoy the show. The pilot itself may have been uneven, but the characters and series have potential. Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? isn't a Rosetta Stone necessary to fully understand Kaling's story. It's more like commentary, contextual winks that flesh out the thought process behind her televisual creation. No, you don't have to do homework to enjoy the show. I'm just saying it doesn't hurt to do some extra credit.

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There's no escaping the billboards for Elementary and Benedict Cumberbatch has already lambasted the Colonists for daring to make an American version of Sherlock. So should you tempt the fates and watch it? Let's discuss.

What is Elementary, my dear?

CBS's new drama is an updated re-imagining of legendary crimesolver Sherlock Holmes, only it's set in New York (although Sherlock is still a Brit because Americans refuse to believe they are as smart as British people). More accurately it's also an (unsanctioned) Americanization of the BBC's excellent Sherlock that premiered in 2010 starring Benedict Cumberbatch.

When does it come on?

Tonight, fool! Thursday, September 27 at 10pm on CBS. Besta recognize!

Who did this to us?

This is a CBS show. CBS is the home of many procedurals I would rather put a chopstick through my eye than watch, but this is different. It is. It's floating and arty and thoughtful. Rob Doherty—who also worked on Medium, Ringer, and Star Trek: Voyager—is the executive producer.

Who's Elementary geared toward?

People with good taste and sharp brains! It's a procedural for easily bored folks who don't usually like procedurals, ya feel me?

What's good about it?

Everything, basically. Lucy Liu is a superior form of human being. The twist on Sherlock Holmes—he's an eccentric, an addict—makes him more accessible than the original character, who is kind of nebbish and hateful. Also, in trying to be so edgy Elementary deconstructs the Sherlock Holmes mythos enough that the main themes get through in a very cool, original way. The satisfaction of the series lies in the promise that truth coats every human interaction like a tangible residue, waiting to be detected. (Such a comforting conceit, so much more cozy than our real-world consensus that truth is as elusive as any other ideal.)

Watson (a female) has a much cooler reason for tailing Holmes. Watch it, you'll see.

Also this series is set in New York, and while I love London and would pretty much rip off my left arm to live there, this show seems to genuinely film in New York and that energy is certainly infectious and gives the show a level of grit that's very enjoyable.

What's stupid about it?

People who are enamored of the British series will be quick to punch holes in this version, resenting the liberties taken with Sherlock and Watson. Don't listen to the killjoys! Although know this: One is not a substitute for the other. Watch both. BBC's/PBS's Sherlock should not be missed if you like great acting and mysteries being solved.

Okay, okay, cut to the chase: Watch or don't watch?

Absolutely watch it. It's smart, and sexy, and restrained, and all those things you like about TV. And engrossing. And kind of arty in a video-art circa 2005 way. I mean that as a HUGE compliment.

Can you show me a clip? Because I don't know if I trust you, stranger.

Use your powers of observation to deduce from the trailer below whether or not this series is worth the inestimable boon of your time and attention! (It is, but enjoy the preview.)

What should I drink while I watch it, my dear?

Methadone, because Sherlock Holmes is an addict. WAIT JUST KIDDING. Sheesh, cool it, don't call up the clinic! They got real problems. Fix yourself a delicious traditional British cocktail like a Pimm's Cup or a gin and tonic, then Instagram yourself pouring it down the toilet (because you will enrage your British friends, much like the Americanized Sherlock Holmes iteration has enraged Benedict Cumberbatch). Then settle down with some whiskey, neat, to enjoy this lovely series.

Elementary premieres Thursday, September 27 at 10pm on CBS.

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What to watch on Thursday, September 27...

How's everybody feeling today, good? You know October is just around the corner, which means it's time to start thinking about Halloween costumes. Which, for me, means showcasing my incredible skills for procrastination followed by an uncanny ability to come up with and execute a costume within an eight-hour time span. Let's not do that to ourselves this year, though. Let's start thinking about costumes now! And let's use our favorite TV characters to help us get there. Who calls dibs on "Wolowitz in space?"

SERIES PREMIERE, 8pm, ABC
Last Resort
In "Captain" we meet the crew on board a U.S. submarine who receive a mysterious order to fire nuclear weapons at a foreign country even though there has been no declaration of war. When the captain and his crew refuse orders, they become subject to attacks—by their own countrymen—and so seek refuge on an exotic island near where their ship has been hit. Not a bad set up for a season which will undoubtedly make you question who in the U.S. is behaving so badly and why.

SEASON 6 PREMIERE, 8pm, CBS
The Big Bang Theory
America's #1 comedy isback tonight with "The Date Night Variable." In it Wolowitz gets launched into outer-space, but for some reason still gets caught in the middle of an argument between Bernadette and his mother. Oh, bother! Also, Raj starts to catch the lonely bug after realizing that all of his friends are dating. Poor guy—get a girlfriend.

SEASON 9 PREMIERE, 9pm, ABC
Grey's Anatomy
"Going, Going, Gone" opens just after the tragic plane crash that rocked last season's big finale. While the doctors do their best to deal with the fallout from the crash, they must also confront a serious loss that will forever change the course of their lives. Ahhh, it's so emotional already!

SERIES PREMIERE, 10pm, CBS
Elementary
CBS's modern day take on an old story comes with an added twist: In this rendition of Sherlock Holmes, Watson is a woman (a woman played by Lucy Liu, to be exact). Recovering addict Sherlock Holmes has a knack for solving the NYPD's crimes throughout New York City, and while this pleases the feds a great deal, Holmes's father isn't so trusting of Holmes's talents—and so he hires a one Ms. Joan Watson to accompany Sherlock and make sure he doesn't fall back to addiction. When she assists the eccentric Sherlock through a home-invasion investigation, she's hooked on crime-solving. And so begins a beautiful friendship. It's elementary! Literally!

SEASON 3 FINALE, 10pm, FX
Louie
There isn't much to say about this, except for: It's the final episode of what has been a fantastic season of comedy television and as such we should all watch it. In "New Year's Eve," after coming off of his minor win from last week, Louie gets thrust into the holiday season—and they weigh very heavily on poor Louie.

PLUS ALL NEW EPISODES OF...
SNL Weekend Update Thursday, 8 p.m., NBC
The American Bible Challenge, 8 p.m., Game Show Network
The X Factor, 8 p.m., Fox
Two and a Half Men, SEASON 10 PREMIERE, 8:30 p.m., CBS
Up All Night, 8:30 p.m., NBC
Four Weddings, 9 p.m., TLC
Glee, 9 p.m., Fox
Project Runway, 9 p.m., Lifetime
The Next, 9 p.m., The CW
The Office, 9 p.m., NBC
The Pyramid, 9 p.m., Game Show Network
The Real Housewives of Miami, 9 p.m., Bravo
Parks and Recreation, 9:30 p.m., NBC
Bling It On, 10 p.m., TLC
House Hunters, 10 p.m., HGTV
How Do They Do It?, 10 p.m., Science
POV, 10 p.m., PBS
Rock Center With Brian Williams, SEASON 2 PREMIERE, 10 p.m., NBC
Scandal, SEASON 2 PREMIERE, 10 p.m., ABC
Tamar & Vince, 10 p.m., WE
Texas Car Wars, 10 p.m., Discovery
After the First 48, 10 p.m., A&E;
Very Bad Men, 10 p.m., Investigation Discovery
House Hunters International, 10:30 p.m., HGTV
Prank My Mom, 10:30 p.m., Lifetime

LATE-NITE PICKS:
Jimmy Fallon (wait, doesn'the have his own talk show to get to?!), Neil Young, and a performance by Lupe Fiasco on Late Show With David Letterman, 11:35 p.m., CBS
Liam Neeson, Lisa Lampanelli, and a performance by The Gaslight Anthem on The Tonight Show With Jay Leno, 11:35 p.m., NBC
Selena Gomez, Lenny Venito, and a performance by Tony Bennett on Jimmy Kimmel Live, 12 a.m.,ABC
Sofía Vergara, Damian Lewis, and TV host Jeff Mauro on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon, 12:37 a.m., NBC
Anne Heche and Jennifer Carpenter on The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson, 12:37 a.m., CBS

What are you watching tonight?

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The Neighbors S01E01: "Pilot"

Here's a good litmus test to determine whether you will like ABC's new comedy The Neighbors: First, consider the concept: a regular human family moves into a gated community that's exclusively occupied by aliens disguised as humans. Then imagine the chasm of cultural differences between a regular Joe Jersey family and aliens that learned about human society from 1950s sitcoms and Sports Illustrated. Finally, add alpacas, way too much pie, and buckets of green ooze. Did you laugh? It's okay, we once did, too.

But here's the real test: Repeat that concept over and over for 30 minutes. Are you still laughing? How about if you imagine that same concept repeated over and over and over and over for an entire season's worth of television. Still laughing? EXACTLY.

The Neighbors is one of those high-concept (What if we like totally lived next door to aliens, dude?) comedies that's too scared to go beyond its original premise because it feels naked without it. This is a show about humans that live next door to aliens, and that's all it is. Ninety-nine percent of the jokes in the show are some spin on "Humans are from Earth, Aliens are from wherever the heck they're from," creating an atmosphere of softcore racism where our inner bigot can feel comfortable making fun of others. In this case there's no watchdog group screaming for aliens rights, though. However, I wouldn't be surprised if that meddling PETA (or PET-ETs, har) stepped up with complaints.

One larger problem for The Neighbors is that it ignores a fairly basic rule of comedy: have funny people on the show. Jami Gertz, who was more comical as a brooding vampire slut in The Lost Boys, is the biggest name in a cast that I think was assembled on a first-come-first-cast basis. There's a chance that Simon Templeman, who plays the alien leader Larry Bird (ha! Sports names!), will be able to muster up a few laughs, and Wilt's youngest kid is weird enough to draw your attention, but everyone else's comedic chops fail to go beyond their costumes and goofy grins. The Neighbors is filled with anti-acting, most of which involves standing still and erect with their arms by their side in a lazy effort to define these lame aliens as clueless visitors, even though they've been here for a decade. Compare that to the also-weird Thermians of Galaxy Quest, extra-terrestrials that also had trouble fitting in with humans but still managed to pull of individual personalities. That was funny. But that also had Enrico Colantoni, Missy Pyle, and Rainn Wilson.

With all that said, it would be premature to completely write the show off, as there's satirical territory to explore; I'll be sticking with The Neighbors for at least four episodes, and I'll let you know if it gets better. The idea of aliens living on human terms and reflecting on our own behavior has potential to be hilarious and insightful. But as of the first two episodes, that planet is light years away.

– It's important to distinguish betweenthis from other bad comedies out there, because The Neighbors at least deserves credit for not being entirely terrible. Compared to last season's Work It, which put men in women's clothes and probably resulted in many lonely nights on the couch for its creators after nuking women's rights back to prehistoric times, The Neighbors is entirely unoffensive. So it's got that going for it. Despite what others have said, it's not even the worst new comedy of the season (Guys With Kids, Partners, and Malibu Country are far worse).

– This show does get points for casting for diversity, as most of the human flavors are represented here.

– Who ok'd the athlete name joke? And then who ok'd the constant giggling at the name "Dick Butkus" joke? Both of those people should have their comedy cards shamefully burned in the middle of Times Square.

– The show's one-trick humor was obviously going to be run into the ground like a UFO in Area 51 (YES I JUST MADE THAT "JOKE") in the pilot, but I'm sorry to report that the trend continues in Episdoe 2, when the humans and aliens go to the mall. Of course the dad alien gets naked. Sorry for the spoiler.

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We're previewing as many of the season's new shows as we can in a little feature we like to call "Hey TV.com, Should I Watch [show name]?" This afternoon that [show name] belongs to ABC's new comedy The Neighbors. Should you watch it? Read on to find out, or for those of you who are in a rush, NO.

Tell me about The Neighbors!

What would happen if a gated community populated by a bunch of aliens disguised as humans welcomed a regular human family into its cul de sac? The Neighbors, that's what! This single-camera sitcom takes the joke of culture clash into orbit until it's burnt out upon re-entry, and then relaunches it into space again. And again. The same joke. Over. And over. It stars Jami Gertz, Clara Mamet, Lenny Venito, Simon Templeman, and Toks Olagundoye.

When does it premiere?

The Neighbors makes its series debut Wednesday, September 26 at 9:30pm on ABC. (Note: It will move to its normal time slot of Wednesdays at 8:30pm on October 3.)

Who created the show?

Dan Fogelman, the writer of Crazy, Stupid, Love, Cars, Tangled, and Bolt, scraped The Neighbors of the bottom of his shoe and sold it to ABC.

Who's the target audience?

That's an interesting question.

What are the bright spots of the show?

Sight gags, all them revolving around how aliens do things differently! Dogs? Heck no, these guys walk their alpacas! Washing the car? Nope, try a UFO, brainiac! Crying with their eyes? Wrong again, they drip green ooze out of their ears! There's actually a good heart at the center of the series that tries to show how family and love transcend galaxies, and the soundtrack dusts off oldies to create a timeless suburban vibe similar to that of old-timey shows like Leave it to Beaver. The Neighbors is being wildly panned as the worst of the new comedies this dreadful season, but it's not! It's only like the second or third worst. And yes, it's better than Work It.

What are the cons?

There's one joke here: Aliens are weird. And that joke is played out repeatedly in the pilot, which is to be expected. But Episode 2 falls into the same trap, indicating that the humor won't evolve that much. In The Neighbors' defense, one-joke comedies with worse ideas have been successful in the past. The biggest problem here is that no one in the cast is even close to funny, except maybe the alien kid, and it's just because he's a weird-looking kid.

Okay, final decision time: Should I watch or not?

No, I don't think you should.

Can I see a clip to judge whether it's as bad as you say it is?

You bet.

What should I drink while watching this?

Whatever it is, make sure you've got a lot of it. Maybe one of those giant glasses full of dry ice and weird straws to set the mood? Also, put on your favorite theremin CD!

The Neighbors debuts Wednesday, September 26 at 9:30pm on ABC.

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Revolution S01E02: "Chained Heat"

"Chained Heat" was one of the most eagerly anticipated episodes of television in this young season in my household, because second episodes of serialized sci-fi shows can be the most telling indicator of quality and competence. With high-concept shows, many pilots can get away with asking the same question over and over again; in Revolution's case, that question was, "Who turned out da lightz?" But it's the second episode that tells us what to expect each week and gets us comfortable with the characters. Well, the power isn't the only thing that isn't working in Revolution.

"Chained Heat" failed most tests as a second episode, staying roughly in line with the quality of the inept pilot and really defining this show as a modern-day ham radio adventure tale—or, for you more modern folk, an 80-plus-hour role-playing video game. And as anyone who's ever huddled around a speaker in the 1940s or played Skyrim for hours days on end knows, that means fetch quest after fetch quest after fetch quest. Go talk to this guy, go get this thing, go help out this villager who has been waiting impatiently for someone to come along and accept a mission. Yes, there are fights along the way, but even those become a bit of a drag, particularly when the outcome is so predictable (Miles will kill a bunch of people). It equates to a bunch of busy work, and while there's some sense of accomplishment in doing it yourself (Xbox achievements!), watching someone else play a video game is very low on the list of things I enjoy. That's what watching Revolution feels like at the moment.

This week, Miles' quest (which means it's Charlie's quest, too) was to add to the adventurers' party by finding Norah, someone Miles believes can help them find Charlie's kidnapped brother Danny (finding people to find people is apparently going to be a theme of the series). Despite traveling in the Illinois wilderness with no GPS, they located her rather easily as a prisoner in a yellow-tank-top chain-gang that was dragging a helicopter with all the fake exertion the extras' faces could muster. And thank God the only yellow tank top left for Norah happened to size XS, right fellas? Miles and Charlie sprung her—again, rather easily—but Norah wasn't ready to leave until she got what she was there for: a gun that she could sell on the black market (or give to the resistance). This didn't give us a real sense of story as far as "Hey we're watching a television show" goes, it just gave the show's characters something to do.

Which led to one of Revolution's action scenes in which the bad guys take an ass-kicking and pile up casualties by attacking one person at a time and the good guys suffer barely a scratch. Dear readers, we need to talk about these action scenes. I'm into the land-pirates thing, where swords are swashed and buckled and some of the guns require a gunpowder cram before firing. But the fights so far have been boooooring, and they're taking away the purpose of having a sharpened blade in the first place. No matter how many twirls and no-look slicing Miles does, I just can't get into the action because they're more ballet-like and less visceral than what swords deserve. Quick question: Would you rather be shot in the arm or sworded (fake word!) in the arm? Answer: shot, because there's a good chance you'll be able to do something with that arm again. If a dude comes down full force on your arm with a sword, the last thing you'll do with that arm is carry it to the garbage can and throw it in, because that sucker's coming off. That kind of violence needs to be on display in Revolution if I'm going to take these sword fights seriously. Can we get a blood spray or a limb falling to the ground? The show has no problem with blood when guns are involved, but all these swords do is make stuntmen flail sharply in the other direction. I know, broadcast television and all, but this is a 10pm show and if The Empire Strikes Back can show Luke's hand getting cut off (whoops, spoiler alert!), then Revolution can lose a limb here and there. I'm probably in the minority here, but try re-watching one of Revolution's fights when you have a moment. A good action sequence should still be exhilarating on multiple viewings. Repeated views of Revolution's fights are not.

Neville remains the best character on the show thus far, partly because Giancarlo Esposito is the only one with charisma and partly by default because the other characters are tiring chores. "Chained Heat" attempted to give Charlie a little more bite (they couldn't have given her less in the pilot), but only managed to pull off "meddling tag-along teenager." It was an improvement, and Charlie blowing away the warden with the sleeve gun was admittedly the badass moment of the episode, but she still has a long way to go before I think of her as anything more than a face that belongs in a makeup commercial. Miles remained on-course to be this season's half-written primetime rebel, but did some positive growing with feelings of familial responsibility. Danny, well, he's just there to look like a puppy. It's like he wasn't even on-set with everyone else, thanks to all those cuts to him staring blankly and saying nothing (seriously, I think all his bits were re-shot with him in front of a green screen). Aaron is Aaron and will always be Aaron. Oddly enough, it was ice queen Maggie who was humanized the most this week, with her memories of her children held prisoner by a drained iPhone. Team Maggie all the way.

We also saw that Revolution isn't shying away from the flashbacks to the early days of the outage, and that's both a good and a bad thing because it shows what Revolution can do and also what it isn't doing most of the time. The flashbacks are much more interesting than the "present-day" storytelling because the sense of danger is plain and close. Those days look a whole lot worse (and therefore interesting) than a decade-and-a-half later. That scene where that creepazoid grabbed young Charlie and threatened to smash her face in? That was the tensest situation in the entire series so far and made me want to spend more time in the freshness of post-energy anarchy than the Frontierland of 15 years later. It's not a good sign when the appetizers are better than the entree.

As for the big reveals and steps toward solving the grand mystery, so far it's just the typical trickling-out of barely relevant details. We learned that the computer girl is named Grace and saw some headless guy named Randall creep up to her and get his zap-stick ready, but it was so out of context we had nothing to actually process. Yes, he's probably a bad person, but without knowing why Grace has the computer, what it's used for, or even who she is, it all becomes a home invasion aside that didn't fit in with the rest of the episode. We also discovered that Rachel (Elizabeth Mitchell) is alive! Not entirely surprising because who in their right mind would limit the wonderful Mitchell to flashback duty? But what was surprising was how much the writers changed her situation. In the original pilot, which wasn't screened for the public, Rachel—then played by Andrea Roth—appeared in the final scene with her arms draped around Monroe like they were more-than-friends. Here, she was a prisoner and even attempted to Joe-Pesci-from Casino the bad guy, a total 180 from the original pilot. I'm guessing the character change had a lot to do with the recasting, because for the life of me I can't imagine Mitchell playing anyone but a sympathetic character and not a two-timing traitor. And if you're really into details, Aaron thinks the whole power outage was manmade. Yeah, we figured.

But what is really dragging Revolution down is the thing that was most interesting when the idea was pitched. The world isn't as interesting as we thought it would be, and it's full of inconsistencies. Why is Monroe staying in a defenseless camp of cloth tents while he keeps Rachel prisoner in a mansion? How is everything blown back to the Stone Age except for fashion? Why do the guns stay silent during the show's sword fights?

Revolution is being compared to The Event, FlashForward, and Terra Nova, which is partially accurate because they all share the same DNA. But The Event was misguided and made things up as it went along (with hilarious results), FlashForward was way too ambitious and collapsed on itself, and Terra Nova was just plain bad. None of those descriptions really apply to Revolution, which has its own problems. It's just not interesting (yet) and it doesn't have a sense of direction. Right now I don't see hope for it to improve.

– What was the real point of C. Thomas Howell's bounty hunter? Just to add color and give Miles the general location of Norah? And why did he run away from a handcuffed Miles after showing no fear of him in their earlier swordfight? And why did the goons release Charlie and Maggie just because Miles said to do so right before he gave up? Shouldn't those orders come from C. Thomas Howell? And is anyone else already over this C. Thomas Howell career comeback?

– Miles: "That's Norah. The hot busty one in the tight tank top."

– The most unbelievable thing in this whole show? Trying to pass off the idea that young Charlie would grow up to be older Charlie.

– Probably not a good idea to have a close-up shot of a deer carcass if it looks fake even from not close up.

– I'm not a huge fan of cutting off a conversation in the middle for dramatic effect. When Charlie asked "Nate" why he saved her, I wanted a damn answer, not a cut away to the next scene.

– Did Danny puff up a bit in between the pilot and this episode?

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Ben and Kate S01E01: "Pilot"

Let's face it: The "situation" in sitcom usually means either "living together" or "working together." There are really only ever TWO situations in sitcoms! Ben and Kate is definitely a live-com, not just because the premise involves a ne'er-do-well brother moving in with his single-mom little sister, but because these types of comedies are way more interested in exposing humanity when we're at our most comfortable. That seems to be the main agenda of show creator Dana Fox (whose life the show is based on): Ben and Kate hassle each other around the house because they know each other best and that's just the kind of relationship they have. In between the usual amounts of sitcom patter, they also mock, bicker, and shut each other down, just as two people with that amount of familiarity would. It's those moments, the in-between jokes moments, where Ben and Kate really sparks. Unfortunately, in the pilot, the artificiality of tired sitcom tropes threatened to seep in around the edges. BUT it wasn't enough to ruin what was an otherwise winning enterprise.

The story is narrated by Kate (a likable but dishwatery Dakota Johnson), a single-mom waitress who's always been more mature than her irresponsible, possibly mentally challenged, older brother Ben (Nat Faxon). The main plot of the pilot involved Kate struggling to seal the deal with a handsome guy she'd been dating, while Ben was off trying to somehow break up the impending marriage of his ex. Kate's primary sidekick is her co-worker at a local sports bar, BJ (a scene-stealing Lucy Punch); Ben hangs out with Tommy (Echo Kellum), a guy who I think is intended to be a comic-relief weirdo loser except that the actor is incredibly handsome, hip, and well-dressed? Those factors somehow all canceled each other out in my brain rendering him a non-presence basically. Anyway, at some point, after Ben heard Kate's fella talking to another woman on the phone, Ben rushed in and saved Kate from heartbreak. In return, Kate helped him crash the aforementioned wedding. Thankfully they discovered they'd missed the ceremony by an hour, but not before a confrontation with the bride afforded Kate the opportunity to enthuse about her brother's basic virtues. Aw, she loves her trouble-making brother! Shortly after that Ben decided that he should move in with Kate and help her raise her adorable 5-year-old daughter, thus cementing this particular comedy's situation.

Few things turn me off in a TV series more than when someone says or does something that no human being has ever once said or done in real life. And I don't mean unrealistic things—I just mean when a character speaks in lazy writer shorthand (e.g., "What is this place?" or "I came as soon as I heard!"). At one point in the pilot, Kate actually used the phrase "harebrained schemes" unironically and then of course there was the crashing of Ben's ex's wedding. Nobody in real life crashes weddings to win back an ex! This is something that was invented for movies! How would running in and ruining someone's wedding ceremony somehow negate the several years of long-term relationship the bride is inevitably in the thick of? Throw that trope in the trash. So anyway, yeah: Ben and Kate occasionally lost me with these kinds of cliches, mostly because it had so much going for it otherwise. You're better than that, show.

But where Ben and Kate kept winning me back was in its naturalistic between-joke banter, its commitment to silly throw-away jokes (Ben's insanely prolonged attempt to make a basic U-turn), and especially in the crazy-appealing Lucy Punch (pictured at right) as BJ. Typically in shows like this, the hot blonde friend is a dunce or hateful tramp, but BJ is insightful and empathetic, and mostly just straight-up hilarious. Her "make them look at your mouth" routine was masterful, as was her makeover scene with Kate's 5-year-old daughter. "You have no shape." I don't know WHERE this lady came from; she LOOKS like a runway model but behaves with the mannered affect of Catherine Tate or Christina Applegate. Punch is definitely a star in the making and there's nobody else like her character on TV. That alone is reason to celebrate: Originality is the best!

As is apparently the law these days, you can't have a single-camera sitcom about quirky folk without ending things on a sentimental note. In this case, Ben and Kate re-created a childhood habit of theirs—having pow-wows under the dining room table—right there at the wedding reception, the both of them nursing broken hearts. And it worked just as intended! Call me a soft touch, but I really appreciated the heart on display here; however, if the show can't offset it with acerbic, awkward humor, there's the chance this sort of thing could become cloying. The pilot has proved divisive for many (and I still think I prefer New Girl), but Ben and Kate has so much potential that I've got my fingers crossed that it gets even better. Fewer cliches and more Lucy Punch, please! That's a situation I could live with.

What did YOU think of Ben and Kate's series premiere?

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What to watch on Tuesday, September 25...

The premieres just keep flowing in and I couldn't be happier to report it. Mostly because it gives me something to write about in these intros! Woohoo! Time to check out what's on TV tonight:

SEASON 2 PREMIERE, 8pm, Fox
New Girl
Zoey Deschanel will swoop in to take over for the So You Think You Can Dance time-slot, now that it has run its course. And we couldn't be happier to have her back—twice, technically, because New Girl will air two new episodes tonight: One at 8 p.m. and the other at 9 p.m. In the first, the second season premiere called "Re-launch," Jess gets laid off from her teaching gig and so decides to work as a shot girl at Schmidt's 'rebranding' party. Of course, Winston gets a little loose after a couple of drink-tastings. And in other news, Cece introduces her new boyfriend to the gang. Oh! And Parker Posey guest stars as an apathetic cocktail waitress.

SERIES PREMIERE, 8:30pm, Fox
Ben and Kate
Smack in the center of two New Girls, it's Fox's new Ben and Kate. In it we meet Kate, a single mom whose older brother Ben shows up one day to "help out," but it soon comes to light that Ben is really back in town because he's planning on trying to reunite with an ex—who's engaged to be married. In the meantime, Kate prepares for a date after years of being out of the game. Will this quirky duo win your hearts and thusly this Tuesday night time-slot? It's yet to be determined!

SERIES PREMIERE, 9:30pm, Fox
The Mindy Project
Mindy Kaling jumps networks and stars as Mindy Lahiri in this new Fox comedy: Lahiri is an Ob-gyn struggling to make sense of the disaster that is her personal life. The pilot kicks off with a toast no one will forget at her ex-boyfriend's wedding... that's just the beginning. As events unfold, Mindy bumps elbows with the law and it turns out to be even more embarrassing than the toast.

SERIES PREMIERE, 10pm, CBS
Vegas
Hey, it's a network that's not Fox on this list! CBS's new drama is set in 1960s Nevada where ex-rancher Ralph Lamb reigns as the reluctant sheriff for a little town called Las Vegas. In the pilot, Ralph begins to investigate a murder that involved the governor's niece—and it casts him into high waters with a mobster from Chicago who runs a posh casino on what will one day be called the Vegas strip. Based on historical facts (though I'm not sure how closely), this one should be fun for anyone who liked to imagine how "sin city" first built its reputation.

SERIES PREMIERE, 10:30pm, Comedy Central
Brickleberry
Comedy Central is trying its hand at another animated series. In "Welcome to Brickleberry" we are introduced to the completely inept forest rangers who roam the grounds of Brickleberry National Park. Steve, who has Ranger of the Month on lockdown, starts to worry about his position on the team now that new ranger Ethel is arriving to the park. Also, Malloy gets put on a diet after his taste for chocolate becomes too much for him to handle.

PLUS ALL NEW EPISODES OF...
Dancing With the Stars: All-Stars, 8 p.m., ABC
NCIS, SEASON 10 PREMIERE, 8 p.m., CBS
The Voice, 9 p.m., NBC
19 Kids and Counting, 9 p.m., TLC
Dance Moms, REUNION PART 2, 9 p.m., Lifetime
Face Off, 9 p.m., Syfy
Frontline, 9 p.m., PBS
Go On, 9 p.m., NBC
Hard Time, 9 p.m., NatGeo
Mysteries at the Museum, 9 p.m., Travel
New Girl, 9 p.m., Fox
NCIS: Los Angeles, SEASON 4 PREMIERE, 9 p.m., CBS
Property Virgins, 9 p.m., HGTV
Top Gear, 9 p.m., History
The New Normal, 9:30 p.m., NBC
Abby & Brittany, 10 p.m., TLC
Addicted, 10 p.m., Discovery Fitness & Health
All the Right Moves, 10 p.m., Oxygen
Bomb Girls, 10 p.m., Reelz
Chopped, 10 p.m., Food
Counting Cars, 10 p.m., History
Flipping Out, 10 p.m., Bravo
Gangsters: America's Most Evil, 10 p.m., Bio
House Hunters, 10 p.m., HGTV
Hot Set, 10 p.m., Syfy
Man, Fire, Food, 10 p.m., Cooking
Parenthood, 10 p.m., NBC
Private Practice, SEASON 6 PREMIERE, 10 p.m., ABC
Sons of Anarchy, 10 p.m., FX
Twisted, 10 p.m., Investigation Discovery
Tosh.0, 10 p.m., Comedy Central
TV Guide Magazine's Top 25 Best Oprah Show Moments, SPECIAL, 10 p.m., OWN
House Hunters International, 10:30 p.m., HGTV

LATE-NITE PICKS:
Kaley Cuoco on Late Show With David Letterman, 11:35 p.m., CBS
Ann Romney and Seth MacFarlane on The Tonight Show With Jay Leno, 11:35 p.m., NBC
Melanie Griffith, Kerry Washington, and Dancing With the Stars' runners up on Jimmy Kimmel Live, 12 a.m., ABC
Jerry Seinfeld, Anthony Anderson, Zach Cregger, and Jesse Bradford on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon, 12:37 a.m., NBC
Tom Selleck and June Diane Raphael on The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson, 12:37 a.m., CBS

What are you watching tonight?

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Warehouse 13 S04E09: "The Ones You Love"

Way to call it, you guys! In the penultimate episode of the first half of Warehouse 13's current season (after next week's mid-season finale, the warehouse gang won't be back until April), we finally learned the truth behind behind Brother Adrian's seemingly unlimited access to the warehouse.

It was Artie all along.

Now, before we judge him too harshly, Warehouse 13 has made it very clear that Artie had, for all intents and purposes, experienced some sort of psychotic break after using the astrolabe to turn back time and save the day back in the Season 4 premiere. Artie hasn't gone darkside, he just isn't mentally home right now, and hasn't been for apparently the entire season. But while it's essential that we and Artie's fellow agents understand that aspect of Artie's current thought process, it doesn't excuse the fact that Leena has apparently died as a result of his instability. It certainly isn't going to make Artie feel any better when he inevitably comes back to himself.

Leena! We hardly knew you! That's not even a joke. Despite Gennelle Williams being a main cast member from the very beginning of the series, the proprietor of the local bed and breakfast has largely remained a mysterious figure among the warehouse regulars. She had her occasional moments in the spotlight, particularly during the MacPherson storyline in Season 1, but unlike the detailed histories accompanying Artie, Claudia, Myka, Pete, and even Jinks, Leena's past remains an unknown.

That didn't make her demise any easier to witness. With her aura-reading abilities and various caretaker duties at the bed and breakfast, Leena's fellow agents thought of her as a sort of mother figure. She took care of the details back home so that the others could run off and save the world every other week, and though we have never seen nor heard anything of Leena's "real" family over the course of the series, it's hard not to feel like she considered her peers at the warehouse to fill that vacuum nicely—and vice versa. "The Ones You Love" ended with a shot of Pete fruitlessly trying to contact Leena on her Farnsworth, the communicator laying uselessly just a few inches from her most likely dead body.

Ow. Warehouse 13 brings a lot of death scenes to television. Almost every warehouse affiliate has died, with most of them being resurrected eventually, and even though the Warehouse 13 death toll has grown to rival that of Misfits or Supernatural in recent seasons, Warehouse 13's writing team still manages to make each and every one of them a powerful sucker punch, right to the gut. I can appreciate that. I love a good death scene.

But I also love Leena and while she makes a good candidate for a permanent warehouse death, a part of me kind of hopes she joins the ranks of dead warehouse personnel who eventually come back to life. Leena's is the sort of demise that has the potential to change the very fabric of the series itself. On one hand, that screams, "YAY CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT!" but on the other hand, Artie will not take Leena's death, or his role in it, lightly. If done right, this experience will permanently change Artie. But are we prepared for that level of darkness to take up permanent residence on Warehouse 13?

Or are we fairly certain that Leena will be alive and well by the end of this season? The root of all current warehouse troubles is time travel, after all.

"The Ones You Love" went a long way toward reinvesting us in the story arc for Season 4, with high stakes throughout the entire episode and the payoff with Brother Adrian's real identity being a very good reveal, despite the fact that we all pretty much saw it coming. Can we just take a moment to bask in the glow of Saul Rubinek's awesomeness? He acted the hell out of Artie's final breakdown, when he realized that in fighting Brother Adrian, he had been battling himself all along... and lost. Whatever or whoever Artie currently is, it/he is absolutely chilling. You the man, Mr. Rubinek. You the man.

– So, Brother Adrian is real, but the evil Adrian who wreaked havoc on the warehouse all season long is just a figment of Artie's imagination or some sentient "evil" unleashed by the astrolabe? What do you think? Is Artie just lost in his imagination or is he possessed by something?

– Should Jinks and Mrs. Frederic go on more sassy adventures together? (Yes.)

– Who else wants a pair of Claudia's fabulous work goggles?

– I think Pete's solo adventure with ex-wife Amanda was supposed to remind us that he's actually an intelligent and accomplished Secret Service agent, but I thought the whole solution of transferring the tattoo artifact to the leather box that it came in because leather is technically skin was a little too "no duh," to reverse an entire season's worth of being a dumbass. Not to mention the fact that it was Myka's idea anyway. Nice effort, though, and "Tell them to name something after me... not a mall," made me giggle.

– I couldn't get into Myka and her sister's artifact-driven brawl. I have to admit, though, that curly OR straight, I'm super jealous of Joanne Kelly's hair.

– Where to next? Is Leena a goner for good?

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