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What to watch on Wednesday, March 27...

SEASON 2 FINALE, 8pm & 8:30pm, NBC
Whitney
The season’s final hour kicks off with “Alex, Meet Lily,” in which Whitney drafts her beau into forging a bond with her bud, who’s in the market for a comrade of the male persuasion. “Cake, Cake, Cake,” winds up Season 2 with Whitney growing concerned when she spies her psychiatrist (Chelsea Handler) going to town on a birthday cake solo. I take the good doctor’s side on this one; extremism in consumption of cake is no vice.

8pm, The CW
Arrow
A denizen of The Glades is out for the blood of anyone he considers an enemy of the neighborhood, and Roy is next on his hit list in “Salvation.” And speaking of future-and/or-present masked archers marked for death, Malcolm tasks Moira with tracking down his own would-be assassin.

SEASON 1 FINALE, 8:30pm, ABC
The Neighbors
The Zabvronians may be recalled to their home planet when Dick receives a fateful call from his grandfather as sci-fi icons George Takei and Mark Hamill help “It Has Begun...” wrap up The Neighbors' freshman season. Before they pack their space-bags, though, the Bird-Kersees join the Weavers in Atlantic City, where Larry displays a knack for blackjack and Jackie yearns for Earth-style nuptials.

9pm, The CW
Supernatural
When the Winchesters look into a string of bumped-off vampires in “Freaks and Geeks,” they turn up a shadowy man who’s grooming the orphans of vamp victims into a slayer army. Dean suspects the man’s motives aren’t on the up-and-up. Sam mostly admires the kids’ merit badges, especially the bitchin’ one for Holy Water Scalding.

9pm, NBC
Law & Order: SVU
After accusing her cameraman of rape, a sports reporter learns she’s with child as a result. At trial, the defense employs what the synopsis calls “questionable tactics” to sway the jury, and I don’t even dare speculate on what those might be, given that the title of the episode is “Legitimate Rape.”

10pm, ABC
Nashville
“When You’re Tired of Breaking Other Hearts” finds Rayna sitting down with Katie Couric to spill her guts about her domestic and professional lives. At the rate Nashville is burning through guest stars from ABC’s news division, Season 2 will resort to Scarlett chatting up a couple of adolescent correspondents from those Disney Channel interstitials. Elsewhere this week, Juliette attempts a power play to control her album launch, while Deacon becomes smitten with his dog’s new vet.

10pm, TNT
Southland
John confronts his demons as he endeavors to save Hicks in “Heroes,” while Lydia and Ruben attempt to track down a John Doe. Meanwhile, Ben and Elena kick things up a notch, and Sammy is wracked with guilt over his lie about the tape.

100TH EPISODE, 10pm, USA
Psych
Shawn and Gus attend a clandestine party at a swanky mansion in “100 Clues,” secrecy and swankiness and being two of Shawn and Gus’s unquestioned strong suits, naturally. The host is a one-time rock star who has no memory of committing the murder he was arrested for years ago.

SEASON 28 PREMIERE, 10pm, MTV
The Real World: Portland
A new crew of seven strangers is shunted into a loft and documented as the reality TV grande dame returns. Tune in to find out whether there are still veins of social observation and/or humor about the Pacific Northwest burg’s distinctive culture that haven’t yet been mined by three seasons of Portlandia and sundry internet memes, or if the producers will just fall back on a bunch of gags about artisanal booze.

LATE-NITE:
– Seth Green and Charles Phoenix on Conan, 11pm, TBS
– Past interviews include Tim McGraw, Luke Bryan, and Rascal Flatts on Chelsea Lately, 11pm, E!
– Eva Mendes on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, 11pm, Comedy Central
– Iowa pig farmer Carl Edgar Blake II on The Colbert Report, 11:30pm, Comedy Central
– Kristin Chenoweth, magician Justin Willman, and Josh Groban on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, 11:35pm, NBC
– Donald Trump, Gary Gulman and Wavves on Late Show with David Letterman, 11:35pm, CBS
– Bruce Willis, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, and Divine Fits on Jimmy Kimmel Live, 11:35pm, ABC
– Kathie Lee Gifford, James Purefoy, and Dido on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, 12:37am, NBC
– Don Rickles and Radha Mitchell on The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, 12:37am, CBS

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New Girl S02E04: "Neighbors"

At first glance, "Neighbors" appeared to be the tale of the hipsters next door. That would have been a fine-enough set-up on its own, but then New Girl decided that I had nothing better to do on a Tuesday night than contemplate what Family Matters and Full House mean in terms of my mortality and whether or not I'm allowed to claim adult status. I'm guilty of occasionally pairing scarves with T-shirts, but polygamy doesn't do much for me. I do my own laundry, but I don't own a bed frame. Getting old is complicated and, physical age aside, it's largely a mindset, according to "Neighbors." That's good news for most of us... unless, like Schmidt, you try entirely too hard to indulge in youth culture despite having no real interest in it outside of being able to assuage your fears of aging.

Like what you like. I'm one of those really annoying twenty-somethings who insists that the Backstreet Boys are vastly superior to The Wanted. I have thirty-something cousins who claim that New Kids on the Block are better. However, we all agree that "Glad You Came" is a pretty sweet song even if kids today have terrible taste overall. There's a perk to getting older: You get to have better taste than everyone else. That applies to cologne, too. Nick's love of Old Spice could be linked to the grumpy old man persona he's apparently been displaying since before he hit puberty, but his claim that "it's coming back!" is actually true. (And awesome, because Old Spice smells like... well... awesomeness.)

Nick referred to the young'uns across the hall as "pan-ethnic and pansexual" as though those were the defining traits of their generation, and perhaps, for now, they are. Schmidt was horrified to learn that their disdain for him as an individual excluded him from indulging in what he probably imagined to be some sort of 24/7 orgy.  He feared that the new neighbors hated him because he was "old," but really they couldn't stand him because he tried too hard. He was an "asshead." His steady job and professional wardrobe repelled the new neighbors because Schmidt forced his importance upon them. The neighbors hadn't yet reached a place in their lives where great jobs impressed them.  They defined themselves by other things, because to them, a job is just a job, a tool for survival, a means to an end with the "end" being "making rent."

Jess's ability to click with the new neighbors came, certainly, due to her own ability to just be a nice human being, but her new place in life certainly helped. She's found a job to replace her teaching position, but it's at the Casserole Shanty, complete with ugly uniform, minimum wage, and no benefits. When Jess was a teacher, her job was a cornerstone of her identity. While it was awful to lose that job and all of the physical perks that came with it—steady pay, dental insurance, no uniform—it was the loss of an essential part of her identity that shook Jess's foundation that hardest. However, enjoying your job and taking pride in your position isn't a generational trait. Jess didn't love being a teacher because she's an adult. She loved being a teacher because she loved being a teacher. Whenever she introduced herself, it was usually one of the first things she said after her name. That pride was missing from her new gig at the Casserole Shanty and left Jess missing parts of her identity. It put her in an ideal position to bond with other individuals who, quite frankly, haven't yet formed their own identities. Oh, they might think that they have. When I was 23 I was absolutely certain that I had found the hat that fit, and you know what? It was complete and utter fantasy. Identity is influenced by so many factors that it becomes pan-generational in a sense. Another perk to getting older: You realize that.

Unless you're Schmidt, of course. He tried. He tried so hard, and that was the problem. He thinks of himself as young and that's fine. He is young. However, he values things that the particular group of individuals he tried to mingle with just don't care about, and he lacks the understanding and awareness needed to bridge those differences.

Jess's relationship with the new neighbors grew organically thanks to a shared identity: one that was rooted in aimlessness. They were in the same place in their lives despite being different ages. Jess was drawn to them because, at this low point of her professional life, she connected with the "kids" more than she connected with her gainfully employed roommates—particularly Schmidt, who insisted on giving her a hard time about her fast food job. Jess is still trying to fill the hole in her identity where "teacher" used to be, and even her lie about the Steve Urkel catchphrase was symptomatic of that. The new neighbors, being too young to remember Family Matters (though I question that and assume that their ignorance wasn't about being too young, it was about having terrible taste in TV as children) didn't realize that Jess's "Did I do that?" wasn't her own creation. This allowed Jess to try on yet another identity, that of the hip, quirky, funnygirl Jess who was full of hilarious sayings.

In the end, Jess came clean about her plagiarism of Urkel's catchphrase because she determined that the hipster identity didn't really complete her. It's not the fault of the younger generation that they missed out on certain pop-culture events that are iconic to those who came before and it's not even their fault that it's totally pathetic that the 23-year-old living on his own still needs his mom to do his laundry for him, but relationships just tend to do better when they aren't built on an identity crisis. To the younger crowd's credit, I liked that they wanted to be friends with Jess anyway... even if Nick totally ruined it with his old man routine.

And speaking of Nick, his prank spree was glorious. I actually can't wait to see what he has in store for Jess.

– One-liner of the night: "Man, I want to care about something as much as you care about ruining Schmidt's life." —Winston

– Jess has decided to look for a tutoring job! Yay!

– Raise your hand if "Neighbors" made you feel old even though we just discussed the fact that "old" is relative. It's okay, me too.

New Girl "Neighbors" Photos

What'd you think of this week's episode?

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The Neighbors S01E01: "Pilot"

Here's a good litmus test to determine whether you will like ABC's new comedy The Neighbors: First, consider the concept: a regular human family moves into a gated community that's exclusively occupied by aliens disguised as humans. Then imagine the chasm of cultural differences between a regular Joe Jersey family and aliens that learned about human society from 1950s sitcoms and Sports Illustrated. Finally, add alpacas, way too much pie, and buckets of green ooze. Did you laugh? It's okay, we once did, too.

But here's the real test: Repeat that concept over and over for 30 minutes. Are you still laughing? How about if you imagine that same concept repeated over and over and over and over for an entire season's worth of television. Still laughing? EXACTLY.

The Neighbors is one of those high-concept (What if we like totally lived next door to aliens, dude?) comedies that's too scared to go beyond its original premise because it feels naked without it. This is a show about humans that live next door to aliens, and that's all it is. Ninety-nine percent of the jokes in the show are some spin on "Humans are from Earth, Aliens are from wherever the heck they're from," creating an atmosphere of softcore racism where our inner bigot can feel comfortable making fun of others. In this case there's no watchdog group screaming for aliens rights, though. However, I wouldn't be surprised if that meddling PETA (or PET-ETs, har) stepped up with complaints.

One larger problem for The Neighbors is that it ignores a fairly basic rule of comedy: have funny people on the show. Jami Gertz, who was more comical as a brooding vampire slut in The Lost Boys, is the biggest name in a cast that I think was assembled on a first-come-first-cast basis. There's a chance that Simon Templeman, who plays the alien leader Larry Bird (ha! Sports names!), will be able to muster up a few laughs, and Wilt's youngest kid is weird enough to draw your attention, but everyone else's comedic chops fail to go beyond their costumes and goofy grins. The Neighbors is filled with anti-acting, most of which involves standing still and erect with their arms by their side in a lazy effort to define these lame aliens as clueless visitors, even though they've been here for a decade. Compare that to the also-weird Thermians of Galaxy Quest, extra-terrestrials that also had trouble fitting in with humans but still managed to pull of individual personalities. That was funny. But that also had Enrico Colantoni, Missy Pyle, and Rainn Wilson.

With all that said, it would be premature to completely write the show off, as there's satirical territory to explore; I'll be sticking with The Neighbors for at least four episodes, and I'll let you know if it gets better. The idea of aliens living on human terms and reflecting on our own behavior has potential to be hilarious and insightful. But as of the first two episodes, that planet is light years away.

– It's important to distinguish betweenthis from other bad comedies out there, because The Neighbors at least deserves credit for not being entirely terrible. Compared to last season's Work It, which put men in women's clothes and probably resulted in many lonely nights on the couch for its creators after nuking women's rights back to prehistoric times, The Neighbors is entirely unoffensive. So it's got that going for it. Despite what others have said, it's not even the worst new comedy of the season (Guys With Kids, Partners, and Malibu Country are far worse).

– This show does get points for casting for diversity, as most of the human flavors are represented here.

– Who ok'd the athlete name joke? And then who ok'd the constant giggling at the name "Dick Butkus" joke? Both of those people should have their comedy cards shamefully burned in the middle of Times Square.

– The show's one-trick humor was obviously going to be run into the ground like a UFO in Area 51 (YES I JUST MADE THAT "JOKE") in the pilot, but I'm sorry to report that the trend continues in Episdoe 2, when the humans and aliens go to the mall. Of course the dad alien gets naked. Sorry for the spoiler.

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We're previewing as many of the season's new shows as we can in a little feature we like to call "Hey TV.com, Should I Watch [show name]?" This afternoon that [show name] belongs to ABC's new comedy The Neighbors. Should you watch it? Read on to find out, or for those of you who are in a rush, NO.

Tell me about The Neighbors!

What would happen if a gated community populated by a bunch of aliens disguised as humans welcomed a regular human family into its cul de sac? The Neighbors, that's what! This single-camera sitcom takes the joke of culture clash into orbit until it's burnt out upon re-entry, and then relaunches it into space again. And again. The same joke. Over. And over. It stars Jami Gertz, Clara Mamet, Lenny Venito, Simon Templeman, and Toks Olagundoye.

When does it premiere?

The Neighbors makes its series debut Wednesday, September 26 at 9:30pm on ABC. (Note: It will move to its normal time slot of Wednesdays at 8:30pm on October 3.)

Who created the show?

Dan Fogelman, the writer of Crazy, Stupid, Love, Cars, Tangled, and Bolt, scraped The Neighbors of the bottom of his shoe and sold it to ABC.

Who's the target audience?

That's an interesting question.

What are the bright spots of the show?

Sight gags, all them revolving around how aliens do things differently! Dogs? Heck no, these guys walk their alpacas! Washing the car? Nope, try a UFO, brainiac! Crying with their eyes? Wrong again, they drip green ooze out of their ears! There's actually a good heart at the center of the series that tries to show how family and love transcend galaxies, and the soundtrack dusts off oldies to create a timeless suburban vibe similar to that of old-timey shows like Leave it to Beaver. The Neighbors is being wildly panned as the worst of the new comedies this dreadful season, but it's not! It's only like the second or third worst. And yes, it's better than Work It.

What are the cons?

There's one joke here: Aliens are weird. And that joke is played out repeatedly in the pilot, which is to be expected. But Episode 2 falls into the same trap, indicating that the humor won't evolve that much. In The Neighbors' defense, one-joke comedies with worse ideas have been successful in the past. The biggest problem here is that no one in the cast is even close to funny, except maybe the alien kid, and it's just because he's a weird-looking kid.

Okay, final decision time: Should I watch or not?

No, I don't think you should.

Can I see a clip to judge whether it's as bad as you say it is?

You bet.

What should I drink while watching this?

Whatever it is, make sure you've got a lot of it. Maybe one of those giant glasses full of dry ice and weird straws to set the mood? Also, put on your favorite theremin CD!

The Neighbors debuts Wednesday, September 26 at 9:30pm on ABC.

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What to watch on Wednesday, September 26...

Tonight we bear witness to just under a dozen premieres—and most of them aren't reality! And here I was starting to think the world had forgotten about scripted television. Take a look at all that we have to look forward to tonight:

SEASON 4 PREMIERE, 8pm, ABC
The Middle
I don't know why, but I feel like this has been on way longer than four seasons. It's just so comfortably familiar. In "Last Whiff of Summer" Frankie starts to feel a little too nostalgic about her youthful summers while Axl sacrifices his to attend summer school. Not only that, but Frankie also tries to pressure her kids into telling her which parent they love best. Meanwhile, Sue makes an effort to bond with her father and Brick grows a single tomato. Good for Brick!

TWO-HOUR SEASON 14 PREMIERE, 9pm, NBC
Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
In the two-hour long "Lost Reputation, Above Suspicion" Cragen gets arrested after a prostitute shows up dead, and while authorities figure out what's really going on, the squad gets an interim captain who's a little too strict for comfort. And as Cragen does get investigated, suspicious eyes turn to the entire precinct. Also, Cassidy continues working undercover in a prostitution ring.

SEASON 4 PREMIERE, 9pm, ABC
Modern Family
Well if it isn't the show that swept the Emmys yet again! Whether you love or hate the superfluous attention it got on Sunday, one thing's for certain: It's back on television. (And you thought I was going to comment on the quality). In tonight's premiere, "Bringing Up Baby," Jay celebrates his bazillionth birthday and as is customary doesn't want to be bothered, but Phil decides to take him fishing, instead—and that turns out to be a great idea (sarcasm). Also, Gloria finally figures out how to tell him she's pregnant, Dylan "temporarily" moves in with the Dunphys, and Cameron and Mitchell think about adopting... a cat.

SERIES PREMIERE, 9:30pm, ABC
The Neighbors
Well, it's a show about aliens, I'll give it that. In the series opener, married couple Mary and Debbie Weaver finally make that big transition to the 'burbs and they think they've found the perfect gated community where their family can settle down. Of course, as soon as they figure out their neighbors are aliens they start to question their decision.

MID-SEASON PREMIERE, 10pm, Comedy Central
South Park
Back after a six-month break, South Park is coming back and I can only assume it's swingin'. In tonight's "Sarcastaball" Randy decides to spearhead a campaign to prevent head injuries in Football, and even though the execution of his ideas clouds the entire way the game is played, the new version of the game becomes a national sensation and one of South Park's students becomes an instant pro. Can you guess which one?

PLUS ALL NEW EPISODES OF...
Animal Practice, OFFICIAL SERIES PREMIERE, 8 p.m., NBC
Survivor: Philippines, 8 p.m., CBS
The X Factor, 8 p.m., Fox
Oh Sit!, 8 p.m., The CW
Guys With Kids, 8:30 p.m., NBC
Abandoned, 9 p.m., NatGeo
Criminal Minds, SEASON 8 PREMIERE, 9 p.m., CBS
Ghost Hunters, 9 p.m., Syfy
Not My Mama's Meals, 9 p.m., Cooking
Restaurant: Impossible, 9 p.m., Food
Sons of Guns, 9 p.m., Discovery
Toy Hunter, 9 p.m., Travel
Who the (Bleep) Did I Marry?, 9 p.m., Investigation Discovery
American Restoration, 9:30 p.m., History
Dirty Little Lies, 9:30 p.m., Investigation Discovery
Auction Hunters, 10 p.m., Spike
Cajun Pawn Stars, 10 p.m., History
CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, SEASON 13 PREMIERE, 10 p.m., CBS
Family Guns, 10 p.m., NatGeo
Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, 10 p.m., TLC
How Booze Built America, PART 2 of 3, 10 p.m., Discovery
House Hunters, 10 p.m., HGTV
I Married a Mobster, 10 p.m., Investigation Discovery
Nadia G's Bitchin' Kitchen, SEASON 3 PREMIERE, 10 p.m., Cooking
Paranormal Witness, 10 p.m., Syfy
Restaurant Stakeout, 10 p.m., Food
Revenge, SNEAK PEEK SPECIAL, 10 p.m., ABC
The Challenge: Battle of the Seasons, 10 p.m., MTV
The Soup, 10 p.m., E!
Top Chef Masters, SEASON 4 FINALE, 10 p.m., Bravo
House Hunters International, 10:30 p.m., HGTV
Key & Peele, SEASON 2 PREMIERE, 10:30 p.m., Comedy Central

LATE-NITE PICKS:
Penny Marshall on Chelsea Lately, 11 p.m., E!
Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Emily Deschanel, and comedian Jamie Lee on Conan, 11 p.m., TBS
British Prime Minister David Cameron, actor Jonny Lee Miller, and a performance by Mumford & Sons on Late Show With David Letterman, 11:35 p.m., CBS
Kirstie Alley and Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino on The Tonight Show With Jay Leno, 11:35 p.m., NBC
Keanu Reeves, Ginnifer Goodwin, and a performance by Hot Chip on Jimmy Kimmel Live, 12 a.m., ABC
Ricky Gervais and Scott Speedman on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon, 12:37 a.m., NBC
Jim Parsons on The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson, 12:37 a.m., CBS

What are you watching tonight?

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