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Sons of Anarchy S05E06: "Small World"

The inhabitants of the Sons of Anarchy universe aren't particularly skilled at telling the truth, preferring to keep details secret for their own purposes. Why, in just this episode, Clay lied about how his doctor visit went, Gemma wanted no word about Carla's death spread, Tara said she never got to see Otto, and Jax referred to a day on which he killed two people, got into a fight with the sheriff, and had meetings with the most dangerous man in town as a "quiet day."

But one big secret that really wasn't a secret at all was let out of the bag at the end of the episode: Clay was masterminding the break-ins on the innocent people of Charming and using the Nomads as his grunts. I said as much in my review of SoA's Season 5 premiere, and no, I'm not just patting myself on the back for figuring it out. There wasn't really any attempt at a cover-up—we saw Greg the Peg's prosthetic leg in the break-in at the end of the first episode; Chuck Zito's Frankie Diamonds was rummaging through the contents of Clay's safe in a later episode; GoGo had a scratch on his neck from Rita's talons digging into him during the most break-in. Clay's involvement was also predictable, because who else would be behind this?

So the question I have is, why did the truth about the break-ins unfold the way it did? The clues weren't just there for us to find, they were shoved in our faces so we couldn't miss them. I ask because we knew that the Nomads were behind the break-ins (and could conclude that Clay was, too), but we still watched everyone else in Charming run around wondering who was responsible... not exactly the best use of our time as viewers. I'm guessing the break-in arc was affected at least in part by the big reveal in the Season 4 finale that Romeo was working with the CIA; that was sprung on us out of nowhere, and it frustrated a lot of critics, especially me, because it seemed like a last-minute, convenient way out that stretched the limits of believability. Fast forward to now, and the Nomads were purposefully outed early as being responsible for the break-ins, in order to let us in on it gently. At least, that's my theory, I'm just thinking out loud here! It seems like it would have been a better mystery if we the audience had been able to solve it alongside the characters, especially since they were talking about it the whole time. Instead, we knew what was up by the end of the first episode.

"Small World" was a bit of a clean-up episode that closed the chapter on the first half of Season 5 and introduced the second half by putting things in place and tying up old threads. We all knew Clay was up to something, especially with the pathetic puppy dog routine he kept on putting on, and I for one am SUPER GLAD to have him back. Pope wasn't doing it for me as a villain, especially since he wants to get in bed with SAMCRO. Clay is probably setting SAMCRO up from the inside by staging break-ins pointing toward the club, preparing to blow it up so he can climb back into the president's seat. I know we're supposed to hate the guy, but I applauded the man when he lied to Juice and said his doctor's visit was "not good," even after the doc said he didn't need his Oxygen anymore. The sly dog is going to hold on to the "What, me? But I'm just a poor old man on an Oxygen tank please don't take away my prune juice!" card for as long as he can because he's playing the long game and as long as he's powerless, he won't be seen as a threat. Kind of like Mom from Futurama! I don't like Clay the woman beater (and if you do, you're terrible), but I do like Clay the schemer. It's just too bad for Clay that the guys he's relying on to get the job done could be named Larry, Moe, and Curly.

The episode also changed the dynamic between Pope and Jax, with Pope looking to get into business with SAMCRO by paying them fat stacks of cash to increase the amount of cocaine they smuggle up to Northern California. I'm not sure why Pope doesn't mule the stuff himself; it seems like he's cutting in the middle man by having SAMCRO bring more up, and with the network of gangs he has under his call he should be able to find his own guys, but whatever. Let's just assume he's trying to keep his hands as clean as a big-time drug dealer can. Maybe he's just lazy. All I know is that Jax should hate Pope—let's face it, Pope is the reason Opie is dead—and now they're bro-hugging in the back of Pope's car. And hey Jax, you don't say, "We're getting out of the coke haul I promise," and follow that with a vote to get way deeper into the coke haul. That's like when I say, "I'm cutting back on cookies, but first I'm going to eat every cookie I can get my hands on for the next three weeks." Maybe Jax has a coke problem that's just as big as my cookie problem?

I was very appreciative of the gratuitous violence in this episode as a quick and easy way to end a few stories and characters. Sometimes the best way to get rid of a character after they've served their purpose is to put a bullet through their brain with little explanation (see: Carla). Getting revenge on the security guard who dragged Opie into the underground fighting pit wasn't totally necessary. As I said above, the real villain in that case was Pope. But you know what? I'm totally okay with the guard being dead because screw him, and I like how Jax made it more personal by bashing his head in with a snow globe. I'll never look at the St. Elsewhere finale the same way again. As for his wife? Ehh, well, wrong place/wrong time, you know the drill. She shouldn't have come out waving a shotgun with four giant biker dudes in the dining room, especially since Tig was around. However, it should be mentioned that SAMCRO is piling up the body count, and that August and Pope know exactly what happened should they ever choose to whisper something to the cops.

But Carla's suicide by gun was especially gratifying because she was one of the worst new characters on television this season. If there was ever a character who was obviously getting on the nerves of a show's writers, it was Carla, and the most efficient way out was to have her take Gemma and Nero hostage, attempt to force them to perform sex acts on each other, and then just say, "Well that didn't work so I'm gonna shoot myself now BYE BYE!!" *BLAM* Good riddance, Carla, you will go down as one of the series' most pointless characters ever. I'm just glad the writers saw it too, and I hope Clay put another one in her brain just to make sure. And then chopped her head off just to make sure. And then fed her corpse to a bunch of hungry pigs just to make absolutely sure.

"Small World" was the halfway point for Season 5, and it was designed to close some doors (final vengeance for Opie, goodbye Carla!) and open others (welcome back, Clay!). It wasn't as strong as the previous three episodes and it was a bit all over the place, but it put Season 5 in position for a strong second-half run. And that all starts with getting Clay back in the picture.

– Tig is a total psychopath now, but I couldn't help but laugh when Chibs asked if he was okay after murdering the guard's wife and agreeing to dispose of the bodies and Tig replied, "Yeah, I am. That was really good for me." And then Chibs kissed him on the cheek.

– I love it when the heads of the gangs get together for their rainbow coalition meet-ups. It's like a United Nations summit for jerks.

– Hello, Joel McHale! I believe the story behind McHale's cameo is that he and Kurt Sutter got along so well when Sutter stopped by McHale's The Soup that Sutter found a role for him. Really looking forward to seeing McHale in next week's episode.

– Egregious product placement for Miller Lite, down to the label perfectly turned toward the camera and the pan-down for a full-frame shot. I liked it better when they drank Budweiser.

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Sons of Anarchy S05E05: "Orca Shrugged"

There's good television, and then there's entertaining television; the former involves carefully crafted storytelling that's engaging and thoughtful, and the latter is, for lack of a better phrase, full of crazy shit that we don't get to see in real life. Surprisingly, despite being about a motorcycle gang (I'm not in a motorcycle gang, so this is foreign stuff to me, but maybe you are, in which case ignore this), Sons of Anarchy spends most of its time on the good side of things with its focus on family life, loyalty, and friendship, hidden within a cloud of leather and beer bubbles in beards. But sometimes, just to remind our hybrid-car-driving soccer-mom asses that we will never be as exciting or balls-out as any grimy member of SAMCRO, Sons of Anarchy turns up the entertainment factor, probably just because it can.

"Orca Shrugged" was a very entertaining episode of Sons of Anarchy, but it was also mostly good at the same time. Yeah, I know I sound like an illiterate fourth grader by barfing up that simple babble, but "Orca Shrugged" featured all the ridiculous fun of drag queens, gatling guns, and bare-knuckle fighting, then really hit a touching theme of healing among club members while others dealt with new wounds.

Sons of Anarchy has been dragging a few stories for a while now, so when Jax said the gun deal with the Irish was going to go down, all I could do was scream, "FINALLY!" The show has a tendency to treat its plots like a buffet, loading up its plate with hanging threads before it even comes close to finishing what it picked up during its last trip. Do you really need French fries when you haven't finished your mashed potatoes? To SoA's credit, it's been able to stay more focused this season and has juggled stories with more clarity, but any time a plot moves closer to its end, it feels like an accomplishment—especially when new ideas are constantly being piled on.

And one of those new stories took up a large chunk of tonight's episode as Jax pursued SAMCRO's new source of income, a joint prostitution venture with Nero. But to get the right property for the Poonanny Palace, an Elks Lodge a few miles outside of town, Jax had to go to Mayor Jacob Hale. The requisite scratching of backs presented itself, as Hale needed one extra vote to keep his dream of upscale real estate project Charming Heights alive, setting up one of the funniest and over-the-top sequences in the history of a show that has had many over-the-top moments.

It went like this: The boys figured that they'd blackmail one of Hale's voters, an obese insurance man named Alan, into voting pro-Charming Heights by snapping incriminating photos of him in some serious sexual bondage circumstances. The only problem was that Alan, as far as we could tell, wasn't into that kind of stuff. Nothing a few sedatives and an eager tranny for hire couldn't solve.

Listen, I respect the heck out of Walton Goggins. His work on Justified and The Shield is some of the best acting television has to offer, and he's a brilliant man who spends his spare time working on non-profit humanitarian and environmental efforts. Plus he's an artist with a camera, and he won an Academy Award in 2001 for directing and starring in the short film The Accountant. But I can honestly say without a doubt that the greatest thing he has ever done is dress up in drag with some huge prosthetic titties and say, "Didn't your daddy tell you to never judge a book by his penis?" The surprise cameo by Goggins as Venus Van Dam, a horny, sassy tranny in a thong and assless chaps who rode a whale of an unconscious man wearing nipple clamps, is the kind of entertainment television I was talking about at the top of this article. And things got even better when Marshall Allman (True Blood's Tommy) interrupted the photo session and was convinced to get some oral pleasure from Venus because hey, all the SAMCRO guys had a little dick every once in while. Chibs' "Two dicks" comment with a double-wanking motion and Tig's obsession with Venus's breasts were almost too much. Yes, I would watch a spin-off starring Venus Van Dam as a detective. Of course it would be called Private Dick.

Though I could spend years talking about Goggins' Double-Gs and man-ass, we must move on. The whole point of that fun was to get Jax in bed with legitimate politicians, and it was a smart play to get in good with Mayor Hale. They've had their issues before, but gangs know that allegiances change like the seasons. When one alliance is broken, it's in your best intrest to go out and start a new one. When the episode started and Jax went on and on about hate, I wondered if that would lead to careless decisions on his part. But siding with suits is a good move, especially since the club's relations with other gangs are so tenuous.

With Opie's death two weeks removed and new ventures in the works, the club is moving on and showing signs of healing. For some it's quite literal, with Tara's hand looking healthy enough to keep her dream of performing surgery again alive. And then there's Tig's ass, recovering from the bite he got from Alan. For others, it's a healing of relationships, and that's most apparent with Tara and Gemma. The final sequence of "Orca Shrugged" was, after so much strife between the ladies in previous episodes, a beautiful thing to witness. Tara offered Gemma a chance to spend some time with her grandson, and Jax came home to find the two most important women in his life at ease during a rare moment of calm. But the serenity was slightly stirred when Jax opened his special delivery: a cooler containing the black-market severed boob and thumb that will be used to appease the Latino gangsters who wanted Nero's whore Emma Jean (Ashley Tisdale) dead. The juxtaposition of the flesh on ice and Jax's relaxed demeanor in the kitchen was a reminder that the nefarious activities of the club are never completely out of the picture. SAMCRO gets to heal a bit for now, but for others (like Sheriff Roosevelt—more on that below), the wounds have just been opened.

– So sad to see Sheriff Roosevelt's wife and her unborn child get killed in the botched break-in. Where does Roosevelt turn his attention to now? I was looking for another prosthetic leg during that scene as evidence that it was indeed the SAMCRO Nomads, but didn't see one. But it has to be, right?

– I do not like Galen one bit. Did he really need to show that the giant gun worked by blowing up two of SAMCRO's bikes? And why was Chibs the only one who took exception to this? You do NOT mess with the ride of an MC member.

– What's up with the giant butt sculpture in Nero's brothel? It's hideous! And I want one in my house.

– My favorite part of the Walton Goggins scene was watching Charlie Hunnam and Mark Boone Jr. try to not laugh. And just because I can...

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Sons of Anarchy S05E03: "Laying Pipe"

My first thoughts:

There are times when you realize that you aren't just a fan of a TV show, but that a TV show has become a part of you. When one man's work huddled over a keyboard can affect you so much, you're shocked into stillness... except for the involuntary shaking deep down inside in that place you don't control. Sometimes it's the good moments that transcend the line between fantasy and reality, and others, like in tonight's episode of Sons of Anarchy, "Laying Pipe," it's the bad moments.

We're on year five of riding with the brothers of the Sons of Anarchy Motorcycle Club Redwood Original, and no man has deserved more respect or sympathy than Opie Winston. He died tonight. Died doing what he's always done, protecting his club members, friends, brothers.

FX had no problem heavily promoting the fact that someone would perish in tonight's episode, but even knowing that going in I thought fan-favorite Opie was untouchable. Foolishness! Opie was my favorite Sons of Anarchy—by far—and I have to admit that I'm not taking this very well at all. But in order to understand why and figure out whether it had to be done, we have to start at the top of this intensely stressful, depressing, and ultimately fantastic episode.

The decision to throw Jax, Opie, Tig, and Chibs in jail, where all the protection they had on the outside would be worthless, was a great call by series creator Kurt Sutter. Though safety is never guaranteed for SAMCRO, it had to be stripped away completely for this to work. Romeo stepped up with soldiers in jail to protect our guys, but there was no doubt that the protection wouldn't last forever and Pope's influence on everyone from the head guard to probably the cafeteria lady meant that he'd get his way eventually. And I also have to applaud the speed and pacing with which everything was executed. There was no sense in dragging it out, and the time limit forced Jax into a corner from which he could not escape. Pope told Jax that he had to choose who lived and who died, and with the demand that Tig rot in jail forever where he'd have to get used to putting his palms against a wall and spreading his legs while Pope's men took turns with him, it was between Chibs, Opie, and himself.

Jax understandably resisted until he could do so no more, and when the time came it was Jax who initially stepped up, simply because he couldn't stand to send one of his boys home in a bag. But Opie made the choice for Jax, being first to instigate the guard and being dragged off into an underground room where Pope's men would beat him to death while Jax, Tig, and Chibs watched through a pane of glass... so close to helping him out, yet unable to do anything but witness the savage beating and the finishing blow from a lead pipe that made the back of Opie's head erupt.

We may be asking ourselves why Opie did it. Why he stepped up. He has two children—same as Jax—and one more than both Chibs and Tig. The truth is Opie was done with the life and life. His father was murdered, revenge on Clay was tied up and doubtful, his first wife was killed, his second wife was a porn star and that relationship was broken at best, the MC had gone to shit with infighting and drug-running, and his best friend was becoming something he'd always feared. Even when Jax spilled his secrets to Opie in the box—which is exactly when I was sure Opie was going to die—it wasn't enough to appease the darkness that was spreading inside Opie. "You made the wrong choice," Opie said, understanding where Jax was coming from but not agreeing with it. The truth is, the good life had passed Opie by, and he didn't care to go on. Though he's remained calm on the outside, Opie has always been depressed since we've known him except for a few rare moments; the serenity of a ride, the joy of marriage. But he didn't blame Jax, or Clay, or SAMCRO, because that's just how things worked out for him. He didn't want anyone's sympathy and he didn't understand why all this happened to him. So when the time came for someone to make the tough decision, he made it. He sacrificed his life, a life that he didn't feel was going to get better, so that maybe Jax's could improve. He made the ultimate sacrifice for his best friend.

Fucking goddamn motherfucking goddamn shit fuck. I will miss you to death, Opie.

The sad thing is that Opie's death is turning Jax further into the man he didn't want him to become. An enraged Jax renegotiated the deal with Pope, working out a deal to get Tig out of jail so that he could have some more leverage to pass the vote to get Pope the $50,000 from SAMCRO's drug trade. But he also told Pope he could do whatever the fuck he wanted to with Tig when he was done, even "send him out the same way you did his kid, 'cause I really don't give a shit." It's hard to know if the words match his true feelings, but I think Jax essentially gave Tig up, perhaps because he feels Tig is responsible for Opie's death, perhaps because he's telling the truth: He simply doesn't give a shit anymore.

But one thing's for sure, and Pope laid it out plain and clear. "There you go. Finding the hidden advantage in an unfortunate circumstance. Using pain to take it to the next level. Those are the things that turn players into kings."

And it wasn't long until we saw Jax perched on top of a table and calling Tig over, Tig sitting subserviently below him. It was no mistake that those two were positioned that way; Jax is no longer playing the role of king as he was at the end of Season 4. He IS the king. Just like Pope, who's also willing to sacrifice his subjects, is king. I hate the term "game changer" because I think it's a word that gets abused by people who don't know any better, but this is that for Jax. Things will never be the same for him. Perhaps this is what he was always destined for, to follow the ruthless regal lead of Clay rather than his own father, who mirrored Opie more than Jax. Heavy lies the crown, Jax. And heavy lay our hearts.

– I'm not mad at Kurt Sutter, how can I be? This has always been his show, and we've known that were in for some real shit since this thing started. If you feel any anger toward Sutter, you're not watching the show right. Sutter did his job, and a fine one, too. We'll all miss Opie, but this is part of the story. Let Sutter prove to us that his death was worth it.

– Ryan Hurst, who plays Opie, has always been great, but I think the standout performance tonight was Charlie Hunnam's. Everything reflected back on Jax, and Hunnam captured the anger, disappointment, and frustration perfectly, echoing every sentiment that we were feeling.

– I believe "Lindelof Pines" was a shout-out to Sutter's pal Damon Lindelof. Don't worry, if I ever get my show, I'll throw in shout-outs to all of you, too.

– We all knew the Gemma-Tara fight was coming, but right now it's just a grudge match and a battle of wills. Things are going to get worse before they get better, and the situation needs some meat, something really bad to happen, to keep pace with the rest of the show.

– Ashley Tisdale actually wasn't bad! This is a great role for her to shed her current image.

– I'll admit, I was on Clay's side when he went into the brothel and Gemma came to find him and got in a fight with that whore. Clay's laugh was priceless. Yeah, he's still a huge dick, but just for a second, I had his back.

– Do old people really give each other hickeys?

– Juice was back to his old self, providing all kinds of laughs tonight.

– Kurt Sutter is holding a conference call tomorrow to talk about the episode and defend his decision, but I can't make it because I'll be talking with J.H. Wyman from Fringe. Talk about poor timing.

– Let's give Adam Arkin, who played Ethan Zobelle in Season 2, a round of applause for fantastic directing in the episode. He did a fantastic job.

– I don't think I've felt this much sadness over a character's death since [LOST SPOILER] Charlie died in the Season 3 finale of Lost. And that's saying A LOT. I may or may not have cried.

– "It just ain't fun anymore. Chasing cash we don't need and spending every dime to stay alive." I really can't wait to see Ryan Hurst in more things. He's impossible not to like. A round of applause to Hurst for a fantastic run, and here's hoping his career lasts a long, long time.

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Sons of Anarchy S05E02: "Authority Vested"

At this point in its life, beardy biker Sons of Anarchy is on *ahem* cruise control. It's Season 5, and while the individual plotlines differ and the bad guys are different colors, the formula remains the same. SAMCRO gets into more beefs than a lonely cattle rancher, shit goes down, and an elaborate plan is executed to get the club out of a jam.

That's not a knock on the show at all. Sons of Anarchy remains one of the most exciting dramas on television and gives us more than our weekly fill of bare asses and bloody faces. It's a soap-opera with anger management issues. But the only things that really change are the peripheral season-specific characters and the relationships within the club.

That's why I'm stoked for Nero Padilla (Jimmy Smits), Season 5's mystery man and the most intriguing new addition to the series. He made a spectacular entrance in last week's premiere, bouncing a blind-drunk and naked Gemma off his crotch and playing the role of gentleman the morning after, offering a lot more than scrambled eggs. Nero is deep into SAMCRO now, offering his pimp palace as shelter for fugitive Jax and friends, daring an aiding and abetting charge to come his way, and why? Because he's a nice guy? Ex-gangsters out of the game that have gone on to find success after dropping their colors don't want anything to do with the criminal element, so Nero's involvement raises eyebrows.

But in tonight's "Authority Vested," we got to know Nero a little better and he passed all the tests. He lent SAMCRO's Most Wanted his ride to go pick up a guy who just murdered a cop and some other dude. He has a special needs kid that he visits at a special home. He imparted O.G. wisdom about business ("Every picture's pussy, esse") on Jax during a fatherly conversation. He hosted Tara and Jax's wedding. And he welcomed Gemma into his place when she dropped by unannounced. Oh, and let's not forget that cool car chase he willingly threw himself into to shake a tail, all with a smile on his face like he was back on the playground. I'm beginning to think SAMCRO has a bit of a crush on Mr. Padilla. Heck, I'm beginning to think I have a crush on him.

And that's why we should all start the countdown to Nero pulling a fast one on SAMCRO. Kurt Sutter didn't hire the dynamic Jimmy Smits to join his show and be Mr. Nice Guy, so there has to be something else going on here that will bite the club in the ass when they least expect it. Right now, he's almost replacing Clay, or more correctly, JT. He's arms for Gemma to collapse into, and he's almost a father figure to Jax. If it seems too good to be true in Sons of Anarchy, it's because it is! Red flag red flag red flag!

Less surprising will be the truth that the Nomads are up to some sneaky shit. After the shocking reveal last episode (we think, based on what we assume was Greg the Peg's prosthetic) that they were behind Unser's episode-ending face-punching, we only got a peek at them in this episode. But it was telling! It seems they went straight for Clay's safe to get all those documents, including Clay and Gemma's marriage license and the birth certificate for Thomas, Jax's brother (it took lots of zooming and pausing to figure that one out). Based on how unpredictable this show tends to be, it's stupid to guess what's going on here, but I'll continue what I guessed last week: it's gotta be Clay behind this right? He tells the Nomads to join SAMCRO, and let's them know exactly where his safe is. Well, it's a theory at least. And what's the point in having a beast like Clay lumber around impotent? Clay's declawed, but he's not suddenly a model citizen.

But not all of the people in this show are hiding something. Leave it to Opie to bring the real, putting his differences with Clay aside and paying respect to his brothers by joining them in the clink for solidarity and protection. Just as Jax, Chibs, and Tig were turning themselves in, Opie joined them in grand style, slugging Roosevelt for his entry into prison. That's either incredible loyalty or incredible stupidity, probably both. And while the whole thing may have been influenced by Clay's talk with Opie, you have to respect Opie for staying true to Jax. I wouldn't go to prison for anyone, so please, none of you ask.

"Authority Vested" didn't have the violent bursts of the premiere, but it gave us a better picture of the second season by building up the right characters at the right time. Season 5 is starting to spin a ton of plates, as is the series' style, and soon, they'll come crashing to the ground spectacularly.

– I can't tell what Chibs says half the time, and for this episode I may as well have had peanut butter in my ears when he spoke.

– There was so something so perfect about Jax and Tara's wedding, right? No big deal, just getting married. These two may as well have been married this whole time with the amount of doodoo they've been through. In fact, I can't be the only one who forgot that they weren't married when they brought it up. It was simple, with friends, and in a whorehouse, that's how SAMCRO members should get married. Or they should go off in the woods and coordinate it with the murder of a bunch of Russian gangsters, like Opie.

– I'm a little worried that Unser's side-project police work into the break-ins, which I assume are the work of the Nomads under Clay's supervision, will get him into more trouble. And what's this about his theory about white boy break-ins being so different from black guy break-ins? White crimes are sloppy and the violence done is obligatory, whereas black break-ins are cleaner and full of anger? What is that nonsense? Three decades of work on the force and that's what you're going with? That's racist, dude!

– Still not scared of Pope.

– I love the way Chibs gets cuffed: holding out the double bird for the cops.

– In two episodes so far this season, we've been introduced to two character via doggy style. This week, hello Fawn Traeger! Nice to meat meet you!

– Surely Tara would have told the attorney to bring the marriage license directly to her, right? Unless she WANTED it to go into Gemma's hands first just to spite her.

– I'm still a little upset with the whole Romeo and the feds storyline, and every time it comes up it irks me. I understand it keeps Clay in the picture, but Jax holding the secret from everyone else is just setting up a situation where it comes out and everyone gets pissed off at him. Also, SAMCRO having their balls in a vice by the CIA isn't a lot of fun. I prefer my outlaw motorcycle clubs outlaws.

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What to watch on Tuesday, September 18...

Do Tuesdays have a nickname, yet? Is Taco Tuesday really the best we've got? Because nothing on TV tonight is about tacos, I can tell you that much. While we all think about how to rectify that situation, let's take a look at what is on television tonight:

SEASON 9 FINALE, 8pm, Fox
So You Think You Can Dance
It's the finale! Who will win? Technically I should be asking, "which two will win?" because one winner will be selected from each gender category (and last I checked, there were only two types of genders out there). But anyway, this finale will be two hours long and when it's all said and done we'll all know which contestants America thinks are the best (not including the contestants we chose for the previous eight seasons, of course). Dance on!

SPECIAL, 9pm, ABC
20/20: Best in TV
This 20/20 special is called "The Greatest TV Shows of Our Time With Barbara Walters," which is pretty much everything you need to know. But if you do feel like you need further explanation: Barbara Walters will walk us through the best TV shows of all time for two whole hours! The TV favorites are said to be "fan-chosen," whatever that means, but this special will include interviews with directors, producers, and actors, so television buffs might want to take note.

9pm, USA
Go On
Last week's premiere went pretty well, yeah? Let's give it another go! In tonight's "There No 'Ryan' in Team" Ryan will have to learn how to appreciate the support group instead of keeping them all at arm's length. Does that mean he has to integrate them into his every day life? Probably, though that seems sort of out of the bounds of how a real support group should work—but this is TV, so bring it! Also, in an effort to help Ryan overcome his loss and make steps in his grieving process, Steven does something super awkward.

SERIES PREMIERE, 10pm, Syfy
Hot Set
And you thought you liked Face Off. Syfy's new series, which airs directly after its makeup-constructing sort-of-counterpart, is all about set building. Contestants will compete to create the most mind-blowing film and TV sets so as to literally cause our heads to explode. In tonight's premiere, "Crash Landed Astronaut," the teams will design a set that displays an alien crash-landing on a planet that is not Earth. Cool!

10pm, FX
Sons of Anarchy
In "Authority Vested" Jax will be put to the ultimate test, as will SAMCRO as a whole, when sins of the club's past start to resurface in a big way—how vague! How mysterious and intriguing! Let's watch.

PLUS ALL NEW EPISODES OF...
Death an the Civil War: American Experience, 8 p.m., PBS
The Voice, 9 p.m., NBC
19 Kids and Counting, 9 p.m., TLC
Dance Moms, REUNION, 9 p.m., Lifetime
Face Off, 9 p.m., Syfy
Go On, 9 p.m., NBC
Hard Time, 9 p.m., NatGeo
Mysteries at the Museum, 9 p.m., Travel
Property Virgins, 9 p.m., HGTV
Top Gear, 9 p.m., History
White Collar, 9 p.m., USA
The New Normal, 9 p.m., NBC
Abby & Brittany, 10 p.m., TLC
Addicted, 10 p.m., Discovery Fitness & Health
All the Right Moves, 10 p.m., Oxygen
Covert Affairs, 10 p.m., USA
Counting Cars, 10 p.m., History
Flipping Out, 10 p.m., Bravo
Frontline, 10 p.m., PBS
Gangsters: America's Most Evil, 10 p.m., Bio
Hot Set, SEASON PREMIERE, 10 p.m., Syfy
Man, Fire, Food, SEASON PREMIERE, 10 p.m., Cooking
Parenthood, 10 p.m., NBC
Shipping Wars, 10 p.m., A&E;
Sons of Anarchy, 10 p.m., FX
Twisted, 10 p.m., Investigation Discovery
Teen Mom, SEASON 4 UNSEEN MOMENTS, 10 p.m., MTV
TV Guide Magazine's Top 25 Best Oprah Show Moments, SPECIAL, 10 p.m., OWN
House Hunters International, 10:30 p.m., HGTV
The Burn With Jeff Ross, 10:30 p.m., Comedy Central

LATE-NITE PICKS:
President Barack Obama on Late Show With David Letterman, 11:35 p.m., CBS
Justin Timberlake and pro basketball player Steve Nash on The Tonight Show With Jay Leno, 11:35 p.m., NBC
Richard Gere and Josh Radnor on Jimmy Kimmel Live, 12 a.m., ABC
Jon Cryer, Taraji P. Henson, and Nelly Furtado on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon, 12:37 a.m., NBC
John Goodman, Arjay Smith, and Melissa Etheridge on The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson, 12:37 a.m., CBS

What are you watching tonight?

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What to watch on Tuesday, September 11...

It's a big night for NBC what with all these premieres and all. You know what this means, right? Fall premiere season HAS OFFICIALLY ARRIVED! Leave it to NBC to try to get the head-start. Let's take a look at what's on TV tonight:

8pm, Fox
So You Think You Can Dance
It's the final four, ya'll! And now that the competition is extra fierce, it's time to start analyzing these contestants with hawk-eyes, trying to figure out who's going to buckle under the pressure first. Which dynamic dance team has your vote locked down?

SERIES PREMIERE, 9pm, NBC
The New Normal
Are you ready for some controversy!? YEAH! Though not actually that controversial depending on where you reside, NBC's new sitcom has been raising eyebrows for its subject matter: a wonderfully loving gay couple looking to expand their family. When they finally find the perfect surrogate, Goldie, who recently uprooted her eight year-old daughter to Los Angeles after a failed career and marriage in the Midwest, they are unwillingly subjected to Goldie's extraordinarily close-minded grandmother. Bring on the stereotypes!

9pm, USA
White Collar
In "Gloves Off" Neal goes undercover as a Wall Street stock trader, which means he gets to go on the floor hollering and throwing hand signals all willy-nilly-like. Sounds like fun, Neal! Alright so it's a little more complicated: Peter and Neal aren't after Wall Street execs, per se... they're really after an underground fight club where traders fight for insider information.

SEASON PREMIERE, 10pm, NBC
Parenthood
It's baaack! In "Family Portrait" the family gets together to pose for a family photo before Haddie runs off to college. Of course that just leads into a whole boatload of family drama: Kristina, Adam, and Max have a hard time adjusting to Haddie being gone, Crosby and Jasmine argue over what kind of spiritual beliefs they want to raise Jabbar with, Julia and Joel have a hard time dealing with their new son's behavior, and Sarah tries to prove her worth to a photographer while Amber tries out a new job at the Luncheonette—man, how many storylines can one show handle??

SEASON PREMIERE, 10pm, FX
Sons of Anarchy
Are you ready for a fifth season of roaring engines and badass leather jackets? I am! In tonight's season premiere, "Sovereign," Jax takes hold of SAMCRO, but a series of (unfortunate) events start to rear up in Charming, causing the town to unravel at a rapid pace. So much drama already!

PLUS ALL NEW EPISODES OF...
High School Moms, 8 p.m., TLC
So You Think You Can Dance, TOP 4 PERFORM, 8 p.m., Fox
The Voice, 9 p.m., NBC
19 Kids and Counting, 9 p.m., TLC
Dance Moms, SEASON FINALE, 9 p.m., Lifetime
Face Off, 9 p.m., Syfy
Flipping Out, 9 p.m., Bravo
Go On, OFFICIAL SERIES PREMIERE, 9 p.m., NBC
Hard Time, 9 p.m., NatGeo
Mysteries at the Museum, 9 p.m., Travel
Property Virgins, 9 p.m., HGTV
White Collar, 9 p.m., USA
The New Normal, SERIES PREMIERE, 9 p.m., NBC
Abby & Brittany, 10 p.m., TLC
Addicted, 10 p.m., Discovery Fitness & Health
All the Right Moves, 10 p.m., Oxygen
Chopped, 10 p.m., Food Network
Covert Affairs, 10 p.m., USA
Criminal Defense, SEASON PREMIERE, 10 p.m., NatGeo
Gangsters: America's Most Evil, 10 p.m., Bio
Parenthood, SEASON PREMIERE, 10 p.m., NBC
Shipping Wars, 10 p.m., A&E;
Twisted, SEASON PREMIERE, 10 p.m., Investigation Discovery
Teen Mom, REUNION, 10 p.m., MTV
The Week the Women Went, SEASON FINALE, 10 p.m., Lifetime
Collection Intervention, 10:30 p.m., Syfy
House Hunters International, 10:30 p.m., HGTV
The Burn With Jeff Ross, 10:30 p.m., Comedy Central

LATE-NITE PICKS:
Phil McGraw and Dakota Johnson on Jimmy Kimmel Live, 12 a.m., ABC

What are you watching tonight?

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Look, everyone's been busy this summer stocking up on back-to-school sales on paste (so delicious), so we all have an excuse for not keeping up on the teeny-tiny bits of unofficial news that have trickled out over the last few months. FX knows this, so the network decided to remind us of when its fall shows will return with an official announcement of premiere dates for shows like Sons of Anarchy, American Horror Story, and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

Things start off in a week when Jax Teller and the rest of the hairy members of SAMCRO (minus all the ones that died last season) return for Season 5 of Sons of Anarcy on September 11 at 10pm. The season premiere will be a 90-minute episode that will keep you revved up until 11:30pm, way past my bed time! Damn you, Kurt Sutter!

After the fall premiere of The Ultimate Fighter Fridays on September 14, FX takes a chill pill until mid-October, when It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, The League, and Brand X with Russell Brand return on October 11 starting at 10pm. Rumor has it that in the new season of It's Always Sunny, Sweet Dee gets addicted to online computer games, and I'm sure The League will compare not getting laid by the wife to Maurice Jones-Drew's holdout.

And finally, American Horror Story: Asylum's premiere date of October 17—which began showing up in trailers late last week—has been double-confirmed. This time, the spooks will be set in a mental institution in 1964 and the cast is full of even more awesome people.

For those of you who prefer fewer words and more properly laid-out schedule thingies, here you go!

FX's 2012 Fall Premiere Dates

September 11
Sons of Anarchy, 10pm

September 14
The Ultimate Fighter Fridays, 9pm

October 11
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, 10pm
The League, 10:30pm
Brand X with Russell Brand, 11pm

October 17
American Horror Story: Asylum, 10pm

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Hello everybody, I've got some big news: Due to what some like to call "vacation time" I am going to be MIA for the next few days, meaning I won't be here to moderate your caption greatness until next Wednesday. One full week! But hey, you can use the extra time to think of an amazing caption that will literally blow my socks off upon my return. If you manage to do that, I'll take photographic evidence. Before the gun goes off to let you start thinking, here are the winners from yesterday's contest:

From kanniballl:

Neal: "Soon my mime training will be complete, and I will no longer need this real glass box."

From jaden84:

Neal: "Even if I lean it this way, my reflection still looks good."

From DanielleS05:

Neal: "There's a Ron Burgundy joke in here somewhere."

I figure that because we have all of this extra time before choosing a winning submission, there's no real reason to post a still from one of tonight's episodes (also there were no stills from tonight's episodes that warranted a week's worth of submissions) so I decided to pull from next Tuesday's premiere of Sons of Anarchy. Did you know this season will guest star Ashley Tisdale? Well, it will. And here's the photo to prove it. In it, she sits on the back of Jax's ride. Her character's name is Emma Jean. Post your best caption ideas in the comments!

Check out all of our recent winners on TV.com's Open Caption Pinterest Board.

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