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Pretty Little Liars S03E17: "Out of the Frying Pan, Into the Inferno"

Things you want: pizza, friends, lazy Sundays, puppy parties, accolades on a job well done, safety.

Things you don't want: poverty, bitter disappointment, to be hit with a sock full of quarters. And last on that list: Spencer Hastings coming after you with nothing to lose.

Time had come for one of the girls to break down. With everyone's everything caught in the balance of A's schemes, from the "caped crusaders" trying to rescue Hanna and Emily to Aria and Spencer's creepy men probably and definitely, respectively, party to a large-scale bullying plot against them, the Hastings girl was probably the last one that A wanted to come knocking on the door.

Someone's house is going to burn down by the end of the season.

Troian Bellisario was a different person in "Out of the Frying Pan, Into the Inferno," like a real human who didn't belong in Rosewood. Of the serenely perfect caught in the whispers of guilt and secrets, it's easy to look like the gritty, jaded bag lady in town: Just don't wear makeup and constantly say the things the audience has been thinking for years. In the world of PLL, that's tantamount to wearing a tinfoil hat and pooping on the sidewalk.

I'm glad it's Spencer for so many reasons. While disillusionment would suit each Liar differently (Hanna would clumsily try to get even, Emily would come off pouty, Aria might kill an actual bird with her bare hands), Spencer is the only one who seems like an actual threat to A's evil empire. Technically, she always has been, what with her obsessive nature sucking the other girls back into the fold from their coital distractions, though their stumbling two steps behind A has never amounted to getting the better of their enemy.

That's why Spencer's breakdown is so interesting. It gives her new purpose. The fact that she has nothing to lose (her family is absent, Melissa might be in on everything, Toby is a hoodie, Mona is chief decathlete) means she has new perspective on tackling her A problem. What's left to expose for Spencer? She was right when she told Aria that, hey, maybe if they stopped lying and keeping secrets from everyone, A wouldn't have anything to fuel the witch-burning. She even went a step further: "I think we should stop blaming A for everything that goes wrong in our lives and start blaming ourselves." Aria's counter: A is not their tough-love life coach.

Allow me to digress on that topic. In the beginning, there were times when A did seem like a life coach, just someone that wanted the Liars to unburden themselves of all the dark secrets they harbor and to keep them humble. It was always in the worst way possible (there's no need to make a former fat girl shovel cupcakes into her mouth), but it progressively got more malicious and mean-spirited as the bullying continued to the iteration of A we're under currently—one that actively hurts, maims, and kills people. Is A your tough-love life coach, Aria? Maybe in another time s/he was.

Back to my point, however, of Spencer's breakdown being interesting. It was an act of contrition. She actively said, "Maybe we deserve it." While coming to terms with how she was sleeping with the enemy, A transformed from a faceless sociopathic entity to something more nuanced and capable of reason. If Toby could be part of it, how bad could it have been? That's flawed thinking, since Toby is a creepshow, but the admission that there might be a lesson here to learn was a different direction for the girls. It led to Spencer re-examining her options and reaching out for help beyond the resources of her softheaded friends.

In fact, this episode was full of honest acts betraying their Liar titles. Emily and Aria put their heads together and realized, after a brief visit from our MIA Watermelon Baby boutique owner Cece, that maybe they shouldn't just hold on to every piece of evidence, that it's time to incorporate other agents of justice—the professional ones—to help out. When Hanna showed up and questions Emily's motivation, she replied that she was doing so because she can end this. It's no longer about containing the damage caused by their bully. It's about ending it altogether and going on the attack though less sketchy means than their DIY bumbling. How were they to know that Wilden might be in on it, too? Oh, right, because he has a penis.

But even Hanna, after she returned home from her lesbian bar adventure, was incredibly forthcoming about her actions and motivations. She spilled on everything just short of A still being around and kicking, but that much information without playing the skulky get-out-of-my-beeswax teenager was a nice change of pace. Combine that with Aria's act of faith last week by burning the diary pages to show she believed Byron and you have some girls who might be all growns up. Well, they still look like babies, but at least they're making some progress.

– Why can't Emily's mom and dad be in the same house at the same time? Wait, when was the last time we saw them together? Hmm.

– Aria wants to know whether Meredith can be treated at a facility far, far away. Of course not, silly. That girl is going right to Radley for lessons in going from cray to criminally cray.

– That flashback to juvenile hall was ridiculous. Why was Toby dressed up like Prison Mike?

– Spencer was full of good points. Why should you care about Ali? The more you talk about her, the more horrible she seems. She blackmailed everyone, treated people like garbage, and cultivated an abrasive personality so poisonous that it passed on to people by mere association. What are you all honoring here?

– It's not often I get to talk about good acting on this show with so, so many laughable, embarrassing, awkward performances (I'm looking at you, Detective Wilden). Troian Bellesario, however, nailed that I-want-to-get-out-of-the-car-but-I'm-still-crying-put-on-my-makeup-let's-go-no-I'm-crying-again scene. But the award for best performance goes to Ashley Benson and her "I'd have it made if I were gay" adventure. The information gleaned from her story could've been expressed in ten seconds but, if the writers had been more ruthless about what went into the episode, we wouldn't have gotten to see all those examples of the things that make Hanna great: accepting the Flirtini, going into stealth mode, handing over her ID knowing full well she was going to get kicked out. And then afterward, Hanna's mom: "What's a pink drink? Is that code for something gay?" Beautiful.

– I love that, even at a young age, Byron and Ella thought Aria was flighty enough to walk right into the fireplace.

– There was a time when I would've cheered for Ezra ditching Aria on the street. But now it smacks of Toby leaving Spencer a while back and it doesn't feel as sweet. He's still creepy and probably the worst member of the A Team—if he is, in fact, among them. I kind of hope he is for his sake. Without criminal insanity, he's just awful. So awful.

– Blowtorch to Hanna's bobblehead? That seems unnecessary. But good news: It looks like someone made a design for Pretty Little Liars Bratz dolls!

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King of the Summer USA Network made some big decisions today regarding three of its top warm-weather performers. Royal Pains, White Collar, and Covert Affairs have all been renewed for additional seasons today.

The most confidence went to Royal Pains, which was renewed for two seasons, a fifth and a sixth, for a total of 26 episodes. White Collar and Cover Affairs both received 16-episode orders. That will be Season 5 for White Collar and Season 4 for Covert Affairs.

Elsewhere at USA, Burn Notice is still awaiting word on a seventh season (it has yet to air the second half of Season 6, which begins in November), but the series is looking good for renewal. But as we've said before, Common Law is almost certainly getting canceled, and Necessary Roughness and Fairly Legal are looking boned, too.

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Hell on Wheels S02E07: "The White Spirit"

Way back when Cullen Bohannon set his sights on revenge, we knew that once he achieved it, he was the type to ride off into the sunset classic gunslinger style, leaving all his troubles and worries in the dust. Is there any more freeing of an image? Hard work in the past, nothing but celebration, relaxation, and the promise of a changed, wiser perspective to look forward to in the future. However, the sun has to rise again sometime, and when you continually pass the buck for a new adventure instead of facing the true demons deep down, riding off becomes running away. Vengeance eluded Cullen in that first go-round, and after encountering his own death, he's since had to care about damn near everything except his own goals. Which is exactly what he's been avoiding: the need to care. Last night's a-trifle-too-slow "The White Spirit" at least gave us some solid developments with a romance long ago written in the stars, while finally getting to the bottom of just why the Swede has so much hate in his heart. Cullen's reaction to all this drama—the anchoring effects of love and the challenge of a growing evil—would finally show whether this trailblazer had left his drifter tendencies behind once and for all.

Fresh from honor-killing his bestie Doc Whitehead, not to mention orchestrating the knife death of Reverend Cole, Cullen's mind was all bugaboo with guilt. He arrived the Reverend's funeral—the only one, actually (hey that has to count for something), and immediately started jawing off to Ruth about whether or not everyone is entitled to forgiveness. Her answer was that she believed there are some who are beyond redemption. Not exactly the words of comfort Bohannon hoped for in his time of need. But the fact that Hell's normally taciturn hero even asked showed a departure from his old questions-after-shooting self, and indicated that he is now entering vulnerable new territory. At this point what would Bohannon's redemption even look like? Probably it would involve less bloodshed, but with the Sioux trouble building to a grisly head, things in the killing department are likely going to get worse before they got better. Also, the Swede rubbed white shit all over himself and chopped his own head bald. NBD.

Oh wait—actually VERY big deal, because this transformation put Gundersen in a leadership position on the side opposing Cullen's railroad-building war. While it was no surprise these two were going to have to square off eventually, now that Lily has brought in the Swede to help with the books, Bohannon's crafty nemesis might actually have the edge. He knows Durant's dirty little accounting secret, will probably score proof of Cullen and Lily hooking up, and has a near spiritual power over some very skilled warriors. With the right moves at the right time, the Swede could effectively send Durant to the poorhouse while also using the railroad baron's power to destroy Cullen for swooping on his lady (even though he's seeking forgiveness from his wife, Durant's not the kind of man to be cuckolded by an underling).

But why does Tor want to do this so bad? Well, beyond all the the White Spirit prophecy mumbo jumbo, there was once a little hellhole called Andersonville, a terrible wartime prison where life was subhuman, and the Swede found himself captive at the hands of the Confederates. He also drank his own excrement and may have eaten human flesh at one point, so everything POW-related makes him burn with a fury like no other. "You're one insane evil son of a bitch," Bohannon said after the Swede admitted to hating him even before they met. Man, every time these two get together the conversation turns to the particulars of their mutual disdain; I declare this relationship toxic. Gundersen thrives on a hatred still rooted in the Civil War, whereas circumstance has slowly forced Cullen to shed his rebel identity and in so doing finally come to terms with his still undecided true nature. The Swede swears they are the same—murderous creatures incapable of escaping their crude involvement with such horrific atrocities, and he has an okay point. I'm sure such a shit situation would sour the attitude of even the pluckiest of Disney princesses and turn anyone into wretched, haters of mankind. But not if one believes people can change for the better. After enduring tons of face slaps and being briefly locked up in the pig car (yo almost the whole town has spent time in there by now—let's hear some Yelp reviews), the Swede dropped this telling gem: "The reason you hate me is that I am a constant reminder of the capacity for evil that resides within you." Coming off a real guilt trip, Cullen reacted almost too well to the Swede's poisonous words and threatened to leave the "mule piss town" that very instant.

In skipping out, Bohannon would validate the Swede's statement, sending him God knows where this time (river boat captain?), but luckily one thing different about Cullen is that he's got friends. Namely, he's got Lily Bell, perhaps the one person who can actually offer Cullen the redemption he seeks. Hear me out. If he could start a life and family similar to the one he tragically lost, and be happy, then his new love mixed with a dash of time would soothe over his emotional scars. Maybe not completely, but enough to count as forgiveness and prove he's not an evil person. Unfortunately if he had his druthers, Bohannon would sulk and wallow in his sins of the past, continually plunging into a quicksand of inner guilt. That would suck. Thankfully, the fair-haired maiden of the West berated him for trying to high-tail it out of Dodge and admitted that she waited for Cullen at the dance last season. ("Sorry babe, I was busy rage-choking the life out of an innocent man.") Drunk and acting a stubborn fool, he was still affected by Lily's words enough to stick around until the next day. As mentioned earlier, this is new territory for Bohannon—and the most vulnerable we've ever seen him. While he's good at killing and leading, emo-talks are not necessarily his strong suit. Who can blame him? So much has been holding him back from claiming Bell as his own: Mr. Durant as god-figure who could easily have him declared a bandit or worse, pain from losing his family and friends and fear that he'll hurt Lily the same way, shame for all the atrocities he's partaken in. Anyway, it was a touching scene when he effectively told her she was the only thing keeping him in town and to the surprise of no one the two celebrated by doing the deed in a boxcar (also, another song montage!).

So as another sun rose on the uncertain future of Hell on Wheels, Cullen had at least sussed out the initial steps to redemption via allowing himself to be loved. Emotional forgiveness is not something that comes once and for all though, however it is always waiting for those who seek it. Some pretty terrible things are on Cullen's horizon and in the midst of war with the Sioux nation, he will definitely struggle with the morality of killing these locals. It won't be fair, but he's been on the losing side of a changing world before. If he can steel his nerves against the wrongness of slaughter one last time, hopefully Bohannon will accept that he's not eternally cursed to be the kind of person who always loses wars, wives, and children.

QUESTIONS:

– What was that stuff the Swede smeared all over himself?

– Was the Swede a Union soldier?

– How will Durant react to Lily and Cullen's romance?

– What will the Swede do with his newfound knowledge of the Pacific's cooked books?

– How will Sean and Mickey react if the Germans rise up?

– What will Carl do with all his free non-saloon time?

– When Lily said she was "done trying" with Bohannon, did you wonder where she had even initially "tried"?

– Did Lily share a bed with Cullen just to keep him on the rails?

– Will Elam join forces with Cullen when the Sioux attack?

– How will this town further change in the absence of Durant?

– Where is Joseph?

– How will Eva react to Elam's domestic plans?

– How will Elam's silent partnership in the saloon playout?

– Why was the Swede incarcerated in Andersonville?

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White Collar S04E10: "Vested Interest"

Well, you guys called it: "Sam" was not Sam at all, but Neal's father! I'll be honest, it definitely didn't occur to me this would be the big revelation in the mid-season finale. This was partly because White Collar is just not the kind of show where I dwell too hard on the big-picture mysteries, but also because that particular possibility just seemed really, I don't know, obvious? For those of you who called it a while back, this twist must have been reminiscent of the now-infamous Dexter Season 6 "twist" that was excruciatingly obvious a full EIGHT episodes before it was finally revealed. But at least in this case, the twist actually added to the drama rather than detracted from it. Up until this episode Sam was an incredibly minor, slightly unlikable character who tended to check into hotels under his own name despite being on the run from killers. But now he's NEAL'S DAD. You know? Instantly more interesting/likable. He is the man responsible for CREATING Neal. If that's not deserving of our respect, what is? Now we just need to get to know him.

The reveal of Sam's true identity nicely mirrored a number of imposter-related shenanigans throughout "Vested Interest." I mean, if we're being real this is an entire show about imposters, but this episode featured at least a half-dozen imposter-related scenarios—even Jones and Diana got in on the fakery. The primary plotline involved an FBI convention getting somehow infiltrated by an industrial spy looking to abscond with some cutting-edge law enforcement technology (or, as we'd learn later, the man responsible for inventing it). It was exactly the sort of case that Neal and Peter could handle in their sleep, but unfortunately Neal and Peter as a unit weren't operating at full-strength. No, at the outset Neal was still hecka miffed at Peter for having possibly exposed Sam to a potential mole within the FBI, so it was still cold-shoulder city.

For his part Peter was trying to be a good guy to Neal and, in a way, win him over again despite not really regretting what he'd done. This was demonstrated in a weirdly lighthearted montage wherein he fixed the coffee maker and presented Neal with a fresh cup, only to have Neal decline and then buy his own at Starbucks. Ouch. Also, Neal couldn't seem to hide his contempt for Peter, allowing it to spill forth during a panel they both shared at the FBI convention. Lottttta passive aggression going on there; it was almost enough to make Neal seem unappealing. ALMOST. But because this was White Collar, their friendship didn't remain on the rocks TOO long. Sam re-entered the picture and Neal saw an opportunity to smoke out the FBI mole who'd given away his whereabouts. And everyone knows that to smoke out a mole, one needs a rat. And what followed was one of the silliest White Collar scenarios of the season: Neal literally set a rat loose in the White Collar Crimes Division in order to distract Peter and slip a piece of paperwork into his "to-sign" pile that would authorize surveillance of Sam.

Admittedly, Jones' reaction WAS pretty hilarious:

So yeah, anyway, Neal had decided he DID want to work with Peter in the Sam situation, just without Peter's actual permission.

Meanwhile, Neal's demeanor improved when he realized he needed to keep up a front at the FBI convention, so he did a much better job at being nice to Peter and together they easily smoked out a false FBI agent by recording an entire room of them to see which agents didn't pat their pockets when informed one of them had lost their credentials. Clever! After they had their mark, Diana and Jones impersonated event organizers and tricked the guy into attending a specific panel where the maker of a VERY expensive bullet-proof vest would be presenting it. But instead of trying to steal the vest, the dude tried to steal the maker! A chase and parking lot shoot-out ensued, and at some point during the shootout Neal decided to run across the hoods of a dozen cars and ended up getting SHOT! (Cue devastated reaction shot from Peter). Fortunately he was wearing the vest prototype and all was well.

Elsewhere, Neal's plan suss out the FBI mole with Mozzie and Sam wasn't going so well after Sam decided to take matters into his own hands and he got himself bound, gagged, and beaten by a thug with an agenda. Neal fairly easily snuck in and saved Sam just before Peter and his team arrived to chase the thug away (without catching him). In what represented a major change of heart, Neal secretly dabbed Sam's blood and slipped the sample to Peter for I.D.ing. Later that night while Sam was chillin' at Neal's, Peter phoned Neal with the bombshell: The person Neal had known as Sam was indeed simply using the identity of a deceased informant... The Treat Williams-looking dude was actually Neal's father. Neal awkwardly confronted "Sam" about it and the episode left us there. Cliffhanger? Not really. Just a big piece of the puzzle locking into place. But still, it only took us 11 episodes of talking about him before we finally met Neal's dad, so that's pretty cool. Oh, and also Peter and Neal kind of officially made up during another FBI panel when Peter suggested that their relationship is based more on faith than trust; i.e., even if one doesn't trust what the other is doing, they have faith that they're doing it for the right reasons. Because no criminal has ever used "right reasons" to do a terrible thing. Great lesson, Peter!

Guys, my problem is this: The thing that makes White Collar fun to watch is the same reason it's hard to write about... What's to discuss, exactly? Things happen, they're fun, and then it's over. Even in this stretch of episodes where a sort-of mythology was introduced about Neal's family, I'm still not all that thirsty for answers. I just want the next episode to quickly explain what his dad's deal was (because let's face it, it's basically backstory), make Neal and Peter be besties again, give Elizabeth a few fun scenes, and show a cool heist going down. You know? Season 4 has been solid if not enthralling, but that's okay. I almost wish it would just skip the parts we KNOW won't last (i.e., Peter and Neal's cycle of fighting) and just introduce a really cool archvillain or something. I'm not saying my interest in White Collar is waning per se, but my ability to say something new about it each week may be. You know? If White Collar can't manage it, then how can we?

Oh well, these are issues we can revisit in January! Overall this was a solid mid-season finale—not earth-shattering or must-watch, but perfectly enjoyable. Like coffee!

QUESTIONS:

... Did you see the Sam twist coming?

... Is your patience starting to wear thin with the Neal-Peter on-again, off-again fighting?

... Should Elizabeth get an exciting day job? Something?

... Have you ever set a rat loose in order to distract a mark?

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White Collar S04E09: "Gloves Off"

I figured it out! White Collar isn't simply the story of a con man gone good. It's actually an examination of a friendship between two grown men, but the joke is that it's the sort of friendship the rest of us experienced in elementary school. Despite the decidedly grown-up plotlines related to art theft, FBI protocols, and tropical extradition laws, the subtext of almost every scene is involves Neal and Peter being Best Friends Times Infinity Blackout Forever Jinx U Owe Me a Coke Let's Hug We Are Besties!!!!!1 And this week's episode, "Gloves Off," not only explored what happens a person has TWO besties, it devolved into essentially a playground tussle over the matter!

Honestly, this childish dynamic makes tons of sense in the world of White Collar: Much like the FBI, friendships often entail several levels of security clearance depending on your place on the totem pole. Like, if your second-best friend tells you a secret, you can only share that secret with your first-best friend, as your first-best friend has the highest level of security clearance possible. But major conflicts arise when the second-best friend believes that he or she is actually your first-best friend: THEN what are the proper clearance levels of secrets disclosure? This conflict is bound to happen when you weight relationships like this, but often your two best friends will TEST their security clearances by forbidding you to disclose information to the other, which is always the first step toward a huge friendship meltdown. That's basically what "Gloves Off" was all about: Neal found himself caught between TWO parties who each demanded best-friend status, and it did NOT end well for anybody.

We began where last week's episode left off: Neal, in dressy-casual, popping in an old Betamax tape for an exposition viewing party at Peter's house. Though the video was recorded so long ago that Ellen looked like a different person entirely, the quality of the picture was darn-near HD. (Dang, maybe Beta shouldn't have lost the videotape format war?) Anyway, Young Ellen didn't say too much that we didn't already know: Neal's father had confessed to a crime he probably didn't commit, his department was filled to the brim with dirty cops, Young Ellen wanted to devote her life to keeping Neal safe, he should trust Sam, blah blah blah. Honestly, the lack of new intel was borderline annoying, but the important thing was, somewhere out there was a lockbox containing MORE information. So, you know, just another thing that needed to be tracked down—oh, and also they'd need THE KEY to the lockbox. So I guess TWO things to track down. After viewing the video, Peter told Neal he'd help him figure out this whole thing, but they each made the other swear that neither of them would involve anybody else—not Sam, not Diana, not Diana's ponytail—NOBODY. They even shook on it! That they didn't pinkie-swear was a big sign that betrayal was probably in the cards later.

Unfortunately a (perceived) betrayal arrived basically right away. After Sam dropped by Neal's place for an afternoon session of dancing around answers, Elizabeth popped in to bring Neal some homemade gelato (Elizabeth is the best). But because Neal didn't want Peter finding out that he'd been hanging out with his NBF Sam, he made Sam go hide in the bedroom and even went so far as to rattle his ice cube tray real loud every time Elizabeth mentioned something incriminating. Elizabeth ain't no dunce, so she immediately knew Neal had company. Minutes later, after a really long car commercial in which Elizabeth enjoyed her self-parking car, she ended up spotting Sam leaving Neal's and snapped a photo. Needless to say, Peter was totes butt-hurt about Neal cheating on him with Sam. Bestie drama!

This all led to the case of the week which involved insider trading between wealthy Wall Street jocks. "Jocks" isn't just a pejorative here—these guys were seriously sharing insider trading tips at secret boxing matches. Neal went undercover using one of his old Wall Street aliases and scored a job at the financial firm of the main suspect Eric Dunham (guest-star Victor Webster in a rare, fully clothed role), but when he attempted to feed the guy some "inside info" about some supposed sexual shenanigans at a coffee bean company, Dunham demanded to meet Neal's source. And that's how we got another delightful moment in which PETER had to go undercover also. Peter ended up being a terrific wealthy Wall Street jerk, but he was so steamed at Neal for continually overstepping his undercover boundaries that he himself entered into a Wall Street boxing match AGAINST Neal. And that's how THE shirtless beefcake boxing battle of 2012 came to fruition!

Needless to say, the boxing match between Peter and Neal was glorious, and not just because it followed a TRAINING MONTAGE. Because the closer this show gets to an '80s movie, the better it is, in my opinion. But yeah, originally the match was going to be choreographed so that Peter would win (an informal poll of the entire FBI white collar crimes division revealed that Peter was the more credible winner) and would be the one to receive Dunham's insider trading info. But just before the boxing match began Neal learned that Peter had confronted Sam personally ("Neal is MY bestie, Sam!" (paraphrasing)) and now Neal was SO MAD at Peter. So the boxing match took on this unpleasant edge wherein Neal was legit trying to knock Peter out and Peter looked all scared and sad, trying to explain between punches why he'd gone behind Neal's back. This bummer of a fight between two good friends was almost too upsetting to properly ogle them in their boxing shorts. ALMOST.

[I don't know why I did this.]

Anyway, Peter pretty convincingly knocked Neal out and moments later found himself on the receiving end of some HOT insider trading action. At this point Eric Dunham was arrested and taken away, but rather than feel the warm glow of a double-victory, Peter had a lingering sense of guilt over having sorta-betrayed his friend and also punched him out in public. He quickly tracked Neal down and they yelled at each other in the street about the semantics of their original agreement and about whether Neal is allowed to have a private life outside of their friendship and whatnot. THEN they learned that Sam's apartment had been ransacked, probably because of Peter's meddling ways. In a final, slightly devastating moment, Neal coldly informed Peter that he'd continue being an FBI ward of the state but that their friendship was effectively over 4-EVA. [Sadface emoji]

I made a crack last week about how this season has been solid if not particularly electrifying, but I think this episode was much closer to the electrifying side of things. The drama was fast and enjoyable and in the end felt serious enough as to be meaningful in the long run. I mean, honestly, how many times can these two besties have a friendship-threatening squabble and still reset to the norm? I'm guessing they'll be thick as thieves-and-FBI-agents again soon, but still. This friendship drama is getting intense!

Finally—and I HAD to point this out—this episode was directed by the one and only Renny Harlin! I'm a HUGE fan of his oeuvre, but especially of one of his earliest works, A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master. I mean, out of all the Freddy movies, Part 4 is at LEAST in the Top 3 (depending on how you feel about New Nightmare). The cockroach scene alone!

I really hope you enjoyed that.

Next Week: The midseason finale!

QUESTIONS:

... Will Neal find that lockbox and/or key?

... Will Neal and Peter hug it out?

... Should Neal and Peter have a boxing rematch?

... What is better: Pistachio gelato or Elizabeth as a person?

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White Collar S04E08: "Ancient History"

Few things are as awkward as running into an ex, but in the world of White Collar it's basically the opposite: It's straight-up thrilling! See, in real life we tend to run into our exes in unglamorous places, like at grocery store, and we're probably dressed in sweatpants. But in this show Neal runs into exes while wearing three-piece suits in five star hotels or swanky social events and usually the exes are international art thieves looking to ensnare him into elaborate double-cross cons. You know? Meanwhile WE would just be awkwardly explaining to our exes why we were staring at sheet cakes in a grocery store at 1 a.m. Anyway, this whole insanely-hot-criminal-mastermind-ex element is just one more reason why this is the best show through which to live vicariously!

So which gorgeous criminal mastermind from Neal's past showed up in "Ancient History"? None other than Alex, the Greek femme fatale last seen in the Season 2 finale who'd basically been thrown under the bus, crime-wise, after the whole U-boat treasure thing first went down. She'd evidently been chilling in a Greek prison for a year and a half for attempting to steal ancient antiquities (do NOT call them antiques), but only days after her release had already become embroiled in some heavy-duty ancient artifact purloining. Not only did a heist Neal had infiltrated feel like Alex was somehow involved, she explicitly sought him out afterward using her ol' yellow-origami-flower trick. It turned out she was indeed in town, which meant that the FBI now needed Neal to figure out her involvement in the new scheme. Or something. Did it matter? Neal and Alex were suddenly hanging out again!

Meanwhile Mozzie had grown ultra-jealous after Neal received a secret Beta videotape which had been posthumously sent to him by Ellen on the occasion of her death. Neal decided that he only wanted to watch the tape with Sam, and not Mozzie, even though Mozzie owned A LOT of Beta players! I mean, that's just rude right there. So that's when Mozzie resorted to desperate measures: He contacted Peter to help him spy on Neal. (But only after generously bestowing upon Peter the gift of a 2-ton stone coin from his travels.) So yeah, our favorite odd couple teamed up to somehow infiltrate Sam and Neal's relationship, as a couple of jealous, jilted besties are wont to do. But this led to a situation in which Mozzie got the wrong address for Sam's apartment and ended up snooping around ALEX's apartment. Which was being staked out by Peter and led to HIM joining Mozzie in Alex's bathroom just before Alex and Neal arrived back from one of their high-chemistry banter-dates. It was all as farcical as it was HANDSOME.

After Alex discovered that Neal had been infiltrating her goings-on, they understandably had a falling out. As did Neal, Peter, and Mozzie when Neal found out what they'd been doing. Seriously, Neal looked SO MAD at them. (Aw, I hate it when they fight.) But eventually Neal came around a bit after it became clear that he'd been unnecessarily keeping secrets also, and he agreed to help Peter continue with the Alex case. In their ruse, Neal would pretend to win back Alex's trust by helping her knock over a local museum (the FBI agreed to this because it would lead them to Alex's shadowy boss). And, in one of the broader schemes ever featured on White Collar, Neal impersonated BANKSY and got the museum to not only allow him to spray paint their walls, but also close it to the public AND shut off its security cameras. All that without even attempting a British accent. And you know what? It sounded plausible to me! Seriously, the art world is nuts. I wouldn't put it past that gallery owner to be so gullible.

The twist was that ONCE AGAIN the heist was interrupted by the NYPD, meaning that someone aside from the undercover participants wanted the thieves to be caught. As it turned out Alex herself wanted the heists to be thwarted so that the police would confiscate all the valuables into their storage locker and she could just bust in and take them all at once! (Which, haha, okay show.) So yeah, it did appear that Alex was using Neal just as much as he'd used her. And because this was White Collar, just because someone is on the run doesn't mean she won't sneak into your apartment for one last farewell conversation. Sure beats an awkward goodbye in the grocery store dessert aisle, am I right?

Finally, because we can only progress the over-arching story with the tiniest of baby-steps, the episode ended with Neal agreeing to watch his Beta tape with Mozzie and Peter after all. So he pressed play, and... CREDITS! Oh, White Collar, you big tease. Another solid episode in what's turning out to be a solid season. ("Solid" is the correct term here, right? Nothing mind-blowing, just super dependable.) Only two more episodes until hiatus!

And now some pictorial observations for you guys:

... Do we like Diana's ponytail?

... Who WAS this guy? Can he be a new character please?

... Whoa, it actually RAINS in New York?

... Y'all gonna tune in next week for THIS?:

Thought so!

What did YOU think of this episode?

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Welcome back, Kotter captioners! What a great bevy of submissions we racked up over the weekend! I'm supremely impressed. Here are the winners from Friday's contest:

From JT_Kirk:

Doctor: "Ok, ok, let's stop and ask ourselves: WWDTD—What Would David Tennant Do?"

From Daniel-Jackson:

Doctor: "I saw the fall of Troy. World War V. I pushed boxes at the Boston Tea Party. Now I'm going to get killed by plumbers. In Cardiff."

From Simonuela:

Doctor: "But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is Amy and Rory come to kick you in the ..."

Well, I can't say it's the best night of television for photo captioning, but I did my best to find something scripted and wound up with yet another nugget from White Collar. In tonight's "Ancient History" Neal and his team try to track down a thief who's been stealing rare artifacts from multiple museums. In the still below, Neal inspects the museum glass with Alexandra. Post your best caption ideas in the comments!

Check out all of our recent winners on TV.com's Open Caption Pinterest Board.

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White Collar S04E07: "Compromising Positions"

I am not a professor of law, nor am I a policeman, nor even a celebrated gentleman detective. Don't come to me with your legal questions, is what I'm saying, because I don't know everything about the law! I DO know that things that are against the law aren't legal. You can't just go and do something totally illegal and be like, "I didn't break the law just now," because you'd be wrong. You did. Go to jail. White Collar is ostensibly a show about the FBI attempting to stop high-class criminals from always getting away with everything all the time. Except, for a show about fighting crime it sure does feature our heroes doing A LOT of crime-breaking. We're talking nonstop breaking and entering, theft, document forgeries, you name it. The main loophole White Collar uses to excuse our heroes' behavior is that Neal isn't technically in the FBI, so as long as his methods yield an arrest, everything's cool. But "Compromising Positions" basically presented a funhouse mirror version of this show that, while insanely entertaining, raised some troubling questions about the FBI's ethics. Questions, by the way, that need no answers, because who really cares? Peter and Sara had a FAKE AFFAIR! And Elizabeth choreographed it! Yeah, this episode was awesome.

Mythology-wise one important thing happened in this episode: We met Sam! During one of his jaunty crosstown walks/fashion-shows, Neal suddenly found himself tailed by a mysterious SUV and then quickly jumped aboard at the first opportunity. Sitting behind the wheel was none other than the secret informant whom Ellen had assured Neal he could trust. I don't know about you guys, but I thought we'd get a gender switcheroo and Sam would end up being some hot lady that Neal would shirtless-hug a ton, but nope. It was Treat Williams. He'd received Neal's secret email a few days earlier and took the meeting as an opportunity to boss Neal around all kinds. Apparently he too wanted to find Ellen's killer but did not yet trust Neal to do the job, particularly due to Neal's FBI associations (the creeps responsible for the murder were likely on the inside). They argued about this for a while and then and parted ways. Undercover bro drama.

The episode's primary case involved the trial of a known low-life owner of a high rise. The man's guilt came down to Peter giving expert testimony in response to the expert questioning of the District Attorney. Unfortunately the District Attorney became so rattled by a woman in the courtroom that he borderline LOST THE CASE right then and there. As it turned out, she was a woman he'd had a one-night stand with a week prior and turned out to be the defendant's girlfriend. So when she showed up in the courtroom with her wry smiles and bodacious cleavage, the D.A. had no choice but to blow the whole thing. It happens! That's the legal system for you.

As the FBI came to discover, the entire one-night-stand and ensuing courtroom flirtation were all arranged by an "Executive Consultant" by the name of Ms. Shepherd. She was a Jill-of-all-Trades type woman, a Miss Fix-It, if you will, a Lady MacGyver, a Blackmailin' Madame, a Tricky Vixen, a Crafty Patty, a Ruiner of Lives and Destroyer of Dreams. Basically she was some lady who could accomplish anything she set out to do, usually through extortion, blackmail, and wry put-downs. She was kind of amazing, in other words, and not least because her high-powered roster of clients included our beloved Sara! That's right, Sara's company regularly paid this woman to go break the law a bunch in order to secure their valuables. But since this evil genius was the only thing standing between a conviction of the low-life landlord and his getting off Scot-free (are Scots free?), the team set out to dismantle her working relationship with the guy.

Fortunately, because Sara <3s Neal and Peter SO MUCH, she totally agreed to help ensnare Shephard in her own web of deceit. After Sara "hired" Ms. Shepherd to blackmail Neal into returning some sexy photos of Sara, Ms. Shepherd revealed that she was WAY smarter than anyone thought and instead blackmailed Neal with the knowledge that Mozzie had been snooping around in some illegal places. (Mozzie had actually been helping Neal track down Sam's home address. A rubber baby was involved. Long story.) So Neal called off the sting and Peter got super mad at him. This would be the first of a number of conversations in which Peter objected to someone doing illegal things (in this case Mozzie) only to then explicitly condone illegal things so long as he didn't know the particulars.

So that's when a particularly sexy Plan B kicked into gear. Because the gang knew that Ms. Shepherd would rather quit than have anybody tell her how to do her job (GET IT GURL) they conspired to get her to quit working for the landlord low-life by arranging for her to have to possibly betray Sara, her favorite client. Shephard chose not to, of course, which displeased her other boss, which caused Ms. Shepherd to quit in protest. The plan worked! But I didn't even tell you the best part... The thing she was supposed to blackmail Sara over? Pictures of Sara and PETER getting it on. Because LOL. For real, the scene in which Neal and Peter pitched this idea to Elizabeth and Sara had to have been one of my favorite White Collar scenes in a long time. Obviously the ladies were SKEPTICAL of this idea, but even Elizabeth came to see the logic. And it all lead to the most awkward and tense photo shoot of all time? Elizabeth swilled champagne while Neal took photos of Peter and Sara awkwardly rubbing on each other, but then Elizabeth jumped into the fray and directed them to be more believable. Oh man, so strange. So good.

So anyway, while all these shenanigans were going on, the original trial was just about to finish up and things were NOT looking good for the FBI. In a sort of hail mary move, Peter and Neal decided that Ms. Shepherd was probably still in possession of the smoking-gun bit of evidence needed to put her former boss behind bars. So Peter happily turned a blind eye while Mozzie used tons of illegal tricks (all magical, of course, seeing as he was the product of a paradox and an enigma that shared a special hug 45 years ago) to trap Ms. Shepherd into turning over the contraband. She did, it was lodged as evidence at the very last minute, and a thrilled-to-be-testifying Neal provided the last bit of expert testimony needed to put the criminal away once and for all. Victories all around! (P.S. Speaking of victories, the judge was the same actress who played Bibi from The Apple! A select few of you know what I'm talking about: Amazing, right?)

But it wouldn't be White Collar without Peter having misgivings about Neal, so right at the end Ms. Shepherd even explicitly warned Peter that Neal was up to no good (Sam-related stuff) and that when Neal got caught, Peter would get dragged down with him. Old news, lady! We've been through this before! Anyway, at the very end Neal DID track down Sam once again and Sam reluctantly agreed to help Neal find Ellen's murderers. Because what kind of monster would refuse Neal a second time? Cut to: Peter staking out the meeting and snapping photos and generally looking super butt-hurt that Neal tracked down Sam in secret. Oh, get over it, Peter. FIFTEEN laws were broken to track Sam down, and you're not into law-breaking right? RIGHT? Haha right.

Good episode. No complaints here.

QUESTIONS:

... Do you hope Ms. Shepherd will be a recurring character?

... Were you disappointed that Sam wasn't a foxy lady?

... Was the photo shoot super sexy or very awkward?

... Do you wish you had a power drill/USB drive in the shape of a baby?

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What to watch on Tuesday, August 28...

Whoa now, what's going on in TV tonight, right? Isn't that the question on everybody's mind? Let's cut to the chase real cool-like. Here's your TV line-up for tonight:

8pm, ABC Family
Pretty Little Liars
In "The Lady Killer" (wooOOo, saucy title) someone very close to Aria, Hanna, Emily, and Spencer is revealed to have been working with "A." Line up the list of suspects, folks. Also, Rosewood will turn into a cesspool for media activity thanks to the commencement of Garrett's murder trial.

9pm, USA
White Collar
Oh em gee, it's judicial sabotage. In tonight's "Compromising Positions" a crafty political fixer attempts to undermine a trial for a criminal that Peter originally put behind bars. Clearly, this criminal has something against Peter (the jail thing, you know) but it's up to Peter to make sure he doesn't get the "freedom" to take his vendetta any further.

SERIES PREMIERE, 10pm, TLC
Abby & Brittany
TLC is ramping up their reality show coverage with this new series, Abby & Brittany, about a pair of conjoined twins. Though not a particularly comfortable topic for many to tune-in for, it's certainly a glance into a lifestyle most of us aren't exposed to on a daily basis—and that might just be all you need to peak your interest. In "22nd Birthday Bash" Abby and Brittany celebrate their ...um, 22nd birthday.

10pm, USA
Covert Affairs
The award for weirdest episode title goes to tonight's "Loving the Alien." In it Annie will agree to take a trip to Cuba with Simon in order to learn more about him and any of the potentially illegal business matters he's involved in—the only problem is she has to swing this one solo because backup from the CIA can't tag along.

SEASON 4 FINALE, 10pm, MTV
Teen Mom
In the season finale of everyone's favorite glorification of the malpractice of safe sex, a whole season's worth of conflict will come to a head (as it tends to do during a finale). In "Wake Up" Ryan will confront Maci about his custody over their child, Tyler and Catelynn discuss their decision surrounding the adoption, Farrah pines for Sophia, and Amber has second thoughts about Gary's full custody over Leah. Hopefully the moral of this season is, "Man, it's tough being a teen mom" and not "man, I wish I could be a teen mom." We'll have to see!

PLUS ALL NEW EPISODES OF...
America's Got Talent, 8 p.m., NBC
Republican National Convention, 8 p.m., PBS, CNN, MSNBC
Pretty Little Liars, 8 p.m., ABC Family
19 Kings and Counting, SEASON PREMIERE, 9 p.m., TLC
Beverly Hills Nannies, 9 p.m., ABC Family
Dance Moms, 9 p.m., Lifetime
Face Off, 9 p.m., Syfy
Hard Time, 9 p.m., NatGeo
MasterChef, 9 p.m., Fox
Mobsters, 9 p.m., Bio
Mysteries at the Museum, 9 p.m., Travel
Property Virgins, 9 p.m., HGTV
Shipping Wars, 9 p.m., A&E;
Top Gear, 9 p.m., BBC America
White Collar, 9 p.m., USA
Abby & Brittany, SERIES PREMIERE, 10 p.m., TLC
Addicted, 10 p.m., Discovery Fitness & Health
All the Right Moves, 10 p.m., Oxygen
Chopped, 10 p.m., Food Network
Counting Cars, 10 p.m., BBC America
Covert Affairs, 10 p.m., USA
Gangsters: America's Most Evil, 10 p.m., Bio
Hard Knocks: Training Camp With the Miami Dolphins, 10 p.m., HBO
Secret Brain, 10 p.m., Science
Storage Wars, 10 p.m., A&E;
Teen Mom, SEASON 4 FINALE, 10 p.m., MTV
The Week the Women Went, 10 p.m., Lifetime
Collection Intervention, 10:30 p.m., Syfy
House Hunters International, 10:30 p.m., HGTV
The Burn With Jeff Ross, 10:30 p.m., Comedy Central

LATE-NITE PICKS:
Alanis Morissette on Chelsea Lately, 11 p.m., E!
Amy Adams, Paul Teutul Sr., and Paul Teutul Jr. on Late Show with David Letterman, 11:35 p.m., CBS
Lisa Kudrow on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, 11:35 p.m., CBS
Larry King on The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson, 12:37 a.m., CBS

What are you watching tonight?

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White Collar S04E06: "Identity Crisis"

Last week's episode of White Collar was a fairly standard art heist plotline but represented something of a watershed for this show: Diana has an inner life too! Most procedurals tend to suffer from a lack of character work, so it can be a breath of fresh air to see formerly stoic or mysterious team members thrust into highly dramatic situations. Speaking of breaths of fresh air: How about that steamy kiss between Marsha Thomason and guest-star Rebecca Mader? I know it's 2012 and that moment shouldn't have been that big a deal, it still sort of was! Credit where credit's due: USA is not necessarily the stodgy, safe network I once chalked it up to be.

This week's episode "Identity Crisis" continued the trend of fleshing out secondary characters (Aw, Mozzie!) but did it with arguably one of the silliest plotlines this show has featured in a while. That's not necessarily a burn; I'm a total sucker for spy stories, hidden passageways, ancient letters, and clues hidden in plain sight. But come on, modern day Revolutionary War-descended spies? Anyway, the episode began with an awkward acknowledgment that Neal was still looking for Ellen's murderer, but his thumb-drive of evidence hadn't yet borne fruit. It did contain one possible lead: A mysterious e-mailer had used multiple IP addresses near Ellen before she died, so Neal suspected that it was probably "Sam," the contact Ellen urged Neal to trust. To me the biggest hint that this person was Sam was that the email address in question was "CitizenSam1@airstream.org". I don't know, I'm not an expert.

So the low-stakes adventure got off to a rousing start when Mozzie ran into Neal's apartment and breathlessly recounted how he'd purchased a storage locker (think Storage Wars but with June as a wingman instead of a frowned-up wife) that contained a fully furnished apartment setup. That's where he discovered a leather-bound journal with encrypted messages, an address, and a pair of antique keys. So of course he then found the apartment, let himself in, dusted, tried on the monogrammed robe, and helped himself to the stash of bourbon. And just as he'd discovered a secret passageway behind a bookcase, a masked gunman entered and began shouting code names and questions at Mozzie. Clearly the man thought Mozzie was someone else and looked ready to murder him, but Mozzie escaped through the secret passage and now needed Neal and Peter's help to figure out what was going on.

Fortunately it was a slow day at the office, so the entire team assembled to get to the bottom of this. Right off the bat, Peter put his historical geek skills to use and we learned all about the Culper spies, a ring of citizens who'd once helped George Washington in the days leading up to the revolution. Apparently they had modern day ancestors and it seemed likely that they (or someone else in the know) were after the priceless original American flag that Washington himself had once bandied about to annoy the lobsterbacks. But for Mozzie, this situation was about much more than just figuring out who had pointed a gun at him while he was illegally squatting in an apartment. In a truly enchanting and emotional sequence involving shadow puppets (seriously!), we learned that much of Mozzie's worldview had been shaped by his parents giving him up for adoption as a baby. He'd long believed (or hoped) that they'd given him up because they were actually spies, and therefore if he could prove that the Culper spies were still active it would give him hope that his parents might still be active somewhere out there as well.

After tracking down several modern-day descendants of the Culper ring—including a foxy blonde professor (who, fun fact, was played by the same actress who played Matt Bomer's wife in Magic Mike) and the now-institutionalized owner of Mozzie's storage space—the team focused on one particularly suspicious man: The author of a critically panned book all about the Culper spies. As it turned out, he definitely was the man who'd pointed a gun at Mozzie, and not only that but he'd straight-up murdered one of the other spies recently. So yeah, a bad guy. After Neal impersonated George Washington's ancestor (and Jones impersonated Thomas Jefferson's!), it looked like the bad guy was all but ensnared. But because Mozzie still wanted to know how to find that antique flag, he interfered with the sting in order to get the last piece of the puzzle: Coordinates to a peephole that, when uncovered, would shine a picture of the entire city onto an old painting and... You know what? Nevermind. It was ludicrous.

Anyway, pretty soon Mozzie and the foxy professor lady were being held at gunpoint by the bad author dude and together they uncovered an "empty" box where the flag was supposed to have been. But just as Peter arrived to arrest him, the foxy professor lady had disappeared and Mozzie was pretty sure she'd probably pocketed the flag. Which meant that the Culper spy ring definitely DID still operate. Which confirmed to Mozzie that spies ARE real and anything is possible if he believes in himself. Or something like that. It was nice though.

Not the most gritty or even logical plotline I've ever seen, but it was downright grounded compared to the movie National Treasure, which I also love. It was all pretty fun, and Mozzie's moment in the spotlight helped continue to flesh out his character beyond the likable punchline-machine we already know and love.

Speaking of know and love... Neal's face!

White Collar

QUESTIONS:

... Who's the bigger geek: Peter or Mozzie?

... How many secret passageways do you have in your house?

... Have you ever whipped a gun out of somebody's hand using a decorative belt?

... Are you Sam?

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