The Walking Dead's Season 3 finale airs tonight at 9pm. Game of Thrones' Season 3 premiere airs tonight at... 9pm. And after seeing the internet's latest take on the Syrio Forel "not today" meme, we have a feeling we know where most people's priorities lie. But that won't stop us from asking anyway...
What to watch on Friday, March 29...
8pm & 8:30pm, ABC
Happy Endings
ABC’s red-headed stepchild sitcom bows on its new night and time, beginning with Brad and the gang striving to rescue his workplace from going under in “In the Heat of the Noche.” That’s followed by “The Straight Dope,” which gives us Max posing as a straight dude to gain access to a woman’s Bulls season tickets, and Alex surprising the group by trying to evolve past her dumb-blonde rep.
8pm, The CW
Nikita
“Inevitability” puts Nikita and Alex at odds when the former recommends Division assassinate the president of Chad while he’s visiting Paris. Couple this episode with that House, M.D. where Chase had to treat a dictator, and I’d guess that TV Tropes gets its “ethical quandaries over killing African heads of state” page together by Monday at the latest.
9pm, The CW
Cult
Skye is much the worse for wear after being drugged at last week’s Cult fan party, and it’s up to Jeff to procure a remedy in “The Good Fight.” Let’s all take a moment to appreciate the synchronicity of Matt Davis, who, though no longer a part of The Vampire Diaries, is still spending some of his 2013 searching for a cure in order to thwart lunatics.
9pm, NBC
Grimm
NBC’s press site bills “Nameless” as a take on the tale of Rumpelstiltskin. Since the plot entails Nick and Hank venturing online to pursue a murderous Wesen, I suppose they’ll have to guess the culprit’s user name to bring him down. Or maybe they’ll have to spin straw into bitcoin.
9pm, Fox
Touch
Martin locates Dr. Teller’s first patient in “Clockwork,” but it’s kind of a good news/bad news situation. The good news is that the man has vital information. The bad news? He’s a few hours away from receiving the death penalty for triple-homicide, and he won’t spill his guts until Martin can reunite him with his estranged daughter.
LATE-NITE:
– Chelsea Handler, 105-year-old Edythe Kirchmaier, and Sky Blu on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, 11:35pm, NBC
What to watch on Saturday, March 30...
SPRING PREMIERE, 8pm, BBC America
Doctor Who
“The Bells of Saint John” greets the Doctor with a new adversary in the Spoonheads and a new companion in Clara (Jenna-Louise Coleman). Ironically, while the Spoonheads have completely human-shaped heads, Clara is actually a five-foot-seven sentient spork.
SERIES PREMIERE, 9pm, BBC America
Orphan Black
Upon finding out she’s a clone, an orphan named Sarah is soon drawn into a perilous conspiracy in this new supernatural series. The opener finds Sarah escaping into a new identity after she observes the suicide of a woman who looks exactly like her. And yes, it’s all BBC America all the time here at What to Watch Saturday Amalgamated Industries, because...
SERIES PREMIERE, 10pm, BBC America
The Nerdist
Chris Hardwick’s eponymous podcast gets the small-screen treatment, presumably with fewer zombie discussions than occur during his watch on AMC. (Not no zombie discussions, I’m sure, just... fewer.) The host and his crew of correspondents chat with entertainers, scientists, and other representatives of the ever more ephemerally defined “nerd culture.”
What to watch on Sunday, March 31...
MINISERIES FINALE, 8pm, History
The Bible
“Passion” concludes the miniseries with Peter denying Jesus, who is later betrayed and crucified. (Don’t worry, it doesn’t take.) Meanwhile, Paul ventures out on a road trip to Damascus, which I’m sure will prove entirely routine and inconsequential.
SERIES 2 PREMIERE 8pm, PBS
Call the Midwife
It’s Jenny Lee’s birthday as the second season opens, but she doesn’t have much time to celebrate before meeting a new patient who faces troubling circumstances. Elsewhere, Trixie and Sister Evangelina tend to a young woman who's preparing to give birth aboard a Swedish cargo ship; hopefully the mother-to-be has a name picked out already, lest she scan the surroundings for inspiration and wind up with a kid named after a prefab credenza.
8pm, BBC America
The Doctors Revisited
Third Doctor Jon Pertwee is next in the queue for this monthly special. His selected outing is 1970’s “Spearhead from Space,” in which an alien consciousness threatens to annihilate humanity through the use of plastic replicas, because I guess everything on the air tonight wants to set up Ikea jokes.
SEASON 3 PREMIERE, 9pm, HBO
Game of Thrones
Hodor, Hot Pie, Dagmer Cleftjaw, and the whole gang are back for another fun-filled season of mystical romps and heartwarming life lessons. “Valar Dohaeris” (“all men must serve,” if your High Valyrian is rusty) kicks things off with Jon meeting King-Beyond-the-Wall Mance Rayder, Tyrion seeking his just reward for saving King’s Landing, Littlefinger scheming toward Sansa, and Dany setting sail for Slaver’s Bay.
SERIES PREMIERE, 9pm, PBS
Mr. Selfridge
Jeremy Piven stars as the titular department store magnate, a brash American who strikes it big in London, and you have my word that blurbs about this show will not make any jokes about him demanding that everybody “hug it out, wanker.” (Okay, not after that one.) In the first installment, the opening of Selfridges & Co. is stymied when Selfridge's business partner bails.
9pm, CBS
The Good Wife
It’s a pretty crowded slate tonight, and I was all set to bump The Good Wife for a week. But then “The Wheels of Justice” had to go and bring back Dylan Baker AND Gary Cole (AND Gary Cole’s mustache). So. You see the bind I’m in. Though perhaps not as much of a bind as the one Alicia and Will are in re: the prospect of being rid of Colin Sweeney. Or the one Diane is in re: rekindling things with Kurt McVeigh.
9pm, Showtime
Shameless
“Order Room Service” finds Fiona and the brood roughing it on a camping trip, so area squirrels are advised to lock up their acorns. Meanwhile, homeless Frank seeks the minimal creature comforts of a night in the family van and turns to Carl for assistance.
SEASON 3 FINALE, 9pm, AMC
The Walking Dead
With The Governor preparing to go on the offensive, the Penitentiary Pals must decide whether it’s worth defending home sweet prison in “Welcome to the Tombs.” Carl’s been perusing the abandoned base listings just in case, and he thinks he’s found a pretty sweet deal on a fixer-upper water treatment plant that's just up the road a spell.
And now, let’s all vote to crown the What to Watch Tonight Episode Title of the Week!
As you might be aware, we ALL have a thing for television; specifically when it makes us laugh or cringe in horror. Thankfully, the next three days' programming offers both, plus a splash of strange. So, grab your leopard-print Snuggie (I've already got mine on), and enjoy this weekend's TV lineup.
What to watch on Friday, October 12...
8pm, Animal Planet
Monsters Inside Me
Some of the most feared monsters on the planet can actually be found inside of us. I know, gross. But, I did promise cringe-inducing entertainment. In "Something's Eating My Son Inside Out," a powerful, nasty parasite pushes a pregnant model toward suicide. (!) Elsewhere, a boy on summer vacation contracts a flesh-eating disease. And finally, a "hidden" killer threatens to suffocate a college student. Okay, who's hiding under the couch?
9pm, CBS
CSI: NY
In "2,918 Miles," Mac and Jo find evidence at a crime scene on the Brooklyn Bridge that forces them to travel approximately 2,918 miles in search of a missing teenage girl. Can you guess where they'll be headed? Hint: It's a city with a famous red bridge.
9pm, Fox
Grimm
In "The Bottle Imp," Hank and Nick take on a gruesome (when isn't it gruesome?) murder case, leading them to what looks like a bitter custody battle (but of course there's more to it than that). Meanwhile at the spice shop, Monroe tries to help out by filling in for Rosalee, but realizes it isn't as easy as he'd hoped it would be.
9pm, Fox
Fringe
Tonight's episode features "people devoted to recording human history," and we're all in favor of all shows that feature "people devoted to recording human history," right? In "The Recordist," Walter, Olivia, Peter, Astrid, and Etta find themselves in a forest populated by a strange group of people who call themselves recordists with the ability to—you guessed it—record human history. Sounds cool! While there, Walter and Olivia somehow get infected with a mysterious disease. Not so cool.
SEASON FINALE 10pm, Cinemax
Strike Back
In "Greatness Is Built on the Fight," Scott questions Bryant about her role in Knox's plan. Meanwhile, Stonebridge is caught up with bad thoughts... like some good ol' fashioned revenge (dun, dun, dun!!!).
LATE-NITE HIGHLIGHTS:
Miley Cyrus and Rove McManus on The Tonight Show With Jay Leno, 11:35 p.m., NBC
John Goodman on Late Night With David Letterman, 11:35 a.m., CBS
Salma Hayek Pinault, Andrew Lincoln, and Peter Gabriel on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon, 12:37 a.m., CBS
Dennis Quaid and Ellie Kemper on The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson, 12:37 a.m., CBS
What to watch on Saturday, October 13...
9:30am, Cartoon
Star Wars: The Clone Wars
For you early birds Star Wars nerds, may I suggest a cartoon? I stopped watching cartoons when I hit 18, but The Clone Wars isn't "just a kids show." Or, at least that's what most of my geek-friends tell me. Here's the official word on this weekend's episode, "Front Runners": "Supervised by Ahsoka, the Onderon rebels carry out a series of strikes throughout the city, and the Separatist-aligned king must deal with the growing rebellion." .
SEASON 2 PREMIERE 8pm, Animal Planet
Too Cute!
Have you been watching Animal Planet's Too Cute series? If so, who do you think will be the cutest in tonight's episode, "Fluffy Puppies & Baby Goats?" I vote fluffy goats! Plus we also meet a young German shepherd and a pair of twin French bulldog pups. Too cute!
9pm, BBC America
Bedlam
If there's one thing we've learned about Bedlam Heights, it's that no one escapes the ghosties. In tonight's "Pool of Tears," Ellie and Max try to save a young woman who's been thrown in the pool. Meanwhile, Dan gets closer to finding "mystery blogger." May I suggest tracking down his IP address? That's how I would find him.
11:30pm, NBC
Saturday Night Live
Up All Night's Christina Applegate is this weekend's host—for the first time since the early '90s—and I'm hoping she'll bring with her some old-school flavor. Indie-pop band Passion Pit, a band that's best-known for their sultry-electronic grooves, is the musical guest.
What to watch on Sunday, October 14...
8pm, ABC
Once Upon a Time
In "Lady of the Lake," Emma and Mary Margaret attempt to find a portal that would bring them back to Storybrooke, but a dark force threatens their safety. Meanwhile on the eve of meeting Prince Charming's mother, King George poisons Snow White, and the only remedy lies within the waters of... the Lady of the Lake! Episode titles can be so helpful sometimes.
SEASON 3 PREMIERE 9pm, AMC
The Walking Dead
The zombie apocalypse starts up again with The Walking Dead's Season 3 premiere, "Seed," in which the world grows more dangerous for Rick and the others as they continue to wander in circles looking for some shelter. Also, Lori's pregnancy becomes a concern. My concern is, will they find a safe place to hide out that's less boring than that dang farm? Like, say, the prison we saw at the end of last season?
9pm, Showtime
Dexter
In tonight's "Buck The System" Dexter tries to bring Deb on board with his new target and we'll get to meet Hannah McKay, played by Chuck's Yvonne Strahovski.
10pm, Showtime
Homeland
Here comes another hour of intense, nail-biting drama, but it's so worth it. In tonight's "State of Independence," Carrie still has some major challenges after she returns home from Beirut. Meanwhile, Brody is assigned a desperate mission from Nazir.
10pm, ABC
666 Park Avenue
In "The Dead Don't Stay Dead" Gavin begins to groom Henry for a possible career change. Meanwhile, a journalist discovers that whatever she writes becomes the truth and Olivia shares a painful secret with Jane about her daughter.
The Walking Dead S03E01: "Seed"
Okay. That was badass.
The tonal shift in The Walking Dead marked by the takeover of current showrunner Glenn Mazzara is one of the best turnarounds of a television series as far as I can remember, which goes back at least to last Saturday. Mazzara came on board halfway through Season 2 and turned what was a lumbering character-driven drama with bad characters into an action-packed slaughterfest of survival with okay characters. If it weren't for Mazzara paring the show down to its essentials, we might still be on the farm arguing over who gets to sleep in which tent. But the ghost of Frank Darabont still haunted The Walking Dead at the end of Season 2 with characters that were more annoying and inconsistent than heroic and smart (though there were improvements, mostly because it's hard to be annoying when a horde of zombies is footsteps away from ripping a character's flesh from his face). Good action results in selective temporary amnesia when it comes to flaws, and the picked-up pace of Season 2's second half mostly wiped our memories of the bickering and jealousy that held earlier episodes back. The thrills were cheap, but they worked.
But "Seed," The Walking Dead's Season 3 premiere, was undeniably Mazzara driving the train all by himself. Mazzara understands the essence of the comics this series is based on a lot better than Darabont did, and the Season 3 prison storyline—the best arc from the early issues of the comics—is perfectly matched for Mazzara's shoot-first mentality. More importantly, Mazzara understands what fans want out of the TV adaptation, and "Seed" gave me everything I've wanted. I loved this episode so much I scratched our initials into a tree.
The last we saw the group, Rick was giving his "Well there's the door..." speech when the survivors questioned his methods. This was his group now. As Season 3 began, The Walking Dead made great use of a time jump forward, and guess how many people from the group are still there: all of them. I'm not totally sure how long the jump was, but using the Pregnant Lori Waistline Test, I'd say about 7 months, and it appeared as though it was an uneventful winter and spring. No one we know got eaten, everyone's limbs were still attached to their bodies, and everyone was even wearing the same clothes. Hershel has even gone alt-folk with a bushier beard. I'd say RICKTATORSHIP SUCCESSFUL.
The pre-credit sequence in "Seed" brilliantly updated us on what happened during the off season with ZERO DIALOGUE (how cool was that?). Rick somehow whipped this group of adulterers, pizza-delivery boys, and whatever it was that T-Dog did before the plague into the Voltron of zombie murderers, everyone working together in SWAT-like fashion to increase headshot/headcrush efficiency. These aren't the timid survivors from past seasons. They're clearing rooms, skewering undead brains, and communicating with nods and whistles like hardened veterans of the zombie apocalypse. But as desperate as they were, Rick wasn't about to let them stoop to eating like hobos or former child actors, taking a can of dog food out of Carl's hand and chucking it against the wall as if to say, "Carl, you idiot, you aren't a dog." Retaining humanity is just as important to Rick as keeping everyone alive. Besides, that was generic dog chow! Again, that was all communicated without a single word. Next time I see Mazzara, I'm buying him a drink for that silent opening. He absolutely killed it.
The opening also told us that compared to the comforts of the barn, life on the road sucks. They're nomads now, picking up almost as soon as they put down because zombies constantly want to crash their pad. It's important to understand that state of mind, because it makes their desire to move into the prison for some security so believable. Rick's right: Aside from the hundreds of undead roaming around it (piece of cake for the Zombie Death Squad), the prison is perfect! If it was designed to keep things from escaping, it's probably pretty easy to tweak the place into something that's good at keeping things out.
The plan to get into the prison introduces another drastic improvement over Season 2 (and obvs over Season 1). There WAS a plan. Panicky zombie attacks make for good television, but planned assaults on the braindead meatbags make for great television! All too often in previous seasons, the fight came to the humans as the zombies were the aggressors. Tonight, we saw Rick reclaiming the top of the food chain and taking the fight to the monsters. It was a completely different atmosphere, and by completely different, I mean completely badass. This is the kind of zombie apocalypse I always imagine myself in when I imagine myself in a zombie apocalypse (which is all the time). Did you see everyone laughing and smiling and having a gay old time while blasting away zombies? I want to be part of that. That looked FUN. Even Carol had a blast (another great improvement? Carol's attitude).
And most of the plan made sense! I probably would have spent more time stabbing zombies through the fence until my arms got tired to chip away at the size of the zombie horde, but guess who doesn't want to watch that on television? Pretty much everyone. So aside from that, cordoning off a section of the prison yard for safety was logical and totally within the group's capabilities. It's rare that people in horror movies don't act stupid, and I had a hard time finding people to put dunce caps on in "Seed."
If there was one questionable move, it happened during the clearing of the prison interior. Anyone who's cleared a dungeon in Skyrim or Dungeon or countless other video games knows that interior spaces require a completely different strategy than outdoor spaces. Rick and the gang got the outdoor killing down right, but they took that same tactic inside in the prison, which was odd since the episode began with them using the correct tactic on a house. I'm getting way too technical here (this is just a TV show, after all), but moving along dark tunnels in a big group isn't the way to do it, and that's why they got separated. Corridors have to be covered, the path back to safety has to be secured, and every possible option has to be checked before venturing too deep. The worst thing you can do is bunch up your group so that you get stuck with only a few options. Dungeon-clearing 101! This is what I think about when I watch this show! They left too much space behind them, and that's why they got ambushed. If you're getting ambushed by zombies, you're doing something wrong.
But their bumbling around and frenzied escape further into the bowels of the prison meant bad news for Hershel, who got his leg chomped on by a zombie who broke the first rule of being a zombie by playing possum and just laying there until someone came close. Overall I was impressed by the lack of horror-movie tropes in the premiere, but that was standard Syfy Original Movie plotting right there. Zombies, please make a decision: Do you sometimes catch some Zs and chill out or are you always alert to human smells and sounds?
Quick detour: "Seed" gave us our first taste of real divergent storytelling on The Walking Dead since before Rick joined up with Shane and Lori's group. The winter wasn't as kind to Michonne and Andrea, particularly the latter, who has a bad case of the sniffles. However, if you're going to be sick, you could have a worse protector than the twirling blade of Michonne. You're in good hands, Andrea. I'm sure everything will be fine.
But the real shocker came at the end of the episode, when Rick hacked off Hershel's leg below the knee in an effort to save his life. Why not go above the knee just to be sure while you're down there? I liked Rick's proactive move; the show can't afford to drag out such decisions now that we're zombie apocalypse veterans. If you get bit by a zombie, expect to lose that limb. But the real, real shocker was the discovery of some very-much-alive prisoners still camping out in the prison. And that brings up another dilemma: How much should Rick trust these convicts? Does the zombie apocalypse turn everyone into innocent civilians? A lot of this season will continue to explore the most dangerous threat to the survivors: other survivors.
"Seed" was more of an announcement of The Walking Dead's return and a pace-setter than a real step forward in plot. But it's exactly what I wanted out of the show's return. We'll get to real story next week. It's hard to believe this is the same show that was once such a disappointment.
BLOOD-SMEARED HANDPRINTS ON THE WALL
– I tried to keep track of the zombie kill count in this one and came up with 65 zombie kills. And one owl. That's a LOT.
– Whoever came up with the idea of zombies in body armor deserves a promotion (this has been done in video games plenty of times before, but I still squealed when they stepped out). And the face peeling off the zombie when Rick took its mask off was probably the greatest thing you'll see on television all year.
– Personally, I think Daryl should give Carol what she wants. Why not? And Carl and Beth? Why not! Go get 'em, kiddo! Operation Earth Re-population is in effect.
– Reverse flashlight gun silencer? Badass!