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The latest in our Saturday-morning animation round-up is here! I've added Ben 10: Omniverse for the time being, what with the DC Nation shows being off until January. I'll also add Adventure Time when its new season begins in November, which will expand this feature beyond just Saturday mornings. But we'll still considering other ideas, so feel free to leave suggestions in the comments.

Ben 10: Omniverse S01E06: "It Was Them"

I've watched the Ben 10 franchise off and on for a little while, most notably catching episodes before Young Justice and Green Lantern: The Animated Series. It's always been a tad impenetrable only because I'm not well-versed in the shows' characters or mythology. But the Omniverse iteration provides some relief from that, making it an easier way to get into the series than it otherwise might be.

At the same time, Omniverse is advancing the story for long-time fans. Ben's ready to be a solo superhero now, but he's still paired with a partner (the not terribly cleverly named Rook) in a fight against various aliens, mutants, and what have you. And "It Was Them" extended this notion even further with Ben's decision that an old foe, the mad scientist archetype Dr. Animo, was behind the recent random attacks (like the giant slug assault that opened the episode). And so there was some lampshade-hanging on certain conventions (like the ease with which imprisoned villains escape supposedly secure super-prisons) while still completely embracing them as Ben and Rook tracked and stopped Dr. Animo's giant ant plan.

The show has created a tension between Ben's past as a sort of junior hero and his past successes, and his struggle to come to grips with being a mature young man and a new sort of hero. And his past is haunting him, as we saw with Animo's plan in this episode or the Megawhatts in "A Jolt from the Past." It's an odd, but interesting, idea for a show to tackle the notion of 16-year-old facing off against his past in this way (most 16-year-olds would just be focused on the present).

And since he's still lurking in the shadows, Khyber may be benefiting from this. Ben's so sure that his old foes want a rematch that he's not conceiving of a new threat. It'll be a hard lesson to learn when Khyber makes his big move.

Star Wars: The Clone Wars S05E04: "The Soft War"

So it appears that I got ahead of myself last week when I discussed how the rebels of Onderon weren't really taking the populace into account with their attacks. It turns out they were just waiting for this week. But I'm still not entirely convinced that this chain of episodes has made a convincing case in the PR battle for control of Onderon.

But I think a lot of this rests on the fact that "The Soft War" may've been the weakest episode of the season thus far (admittedly we're only on Episode 4). It relied on a previously unseen character—hi, General Tandin!—for the pivoting of the action, and that's never the most interesting or exciting development. There wasn't much suspense about the role Tandin had to play in the episode, so most of the episode was simply spent waiting for it to reach its inevitable conclusion.

The strange bit that stood out for me was how Dendup didn't seem thrilled with the insurgency Steela and company were perpetuating. I appreciated the rationale that he wasn't going to remain neutral in this civil war since he believed both factions, the Republic and the Confederacy, to be corrupt institutions, but it just seems odd for him to remain... almost divided about the issue (though the presence of Jedi in the ranks seemed to brighten his mood) of rebelling against Rash and the Separatist forces.

We have one more episode left in this particular arc, and I'm ready for it reach its conclusion.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles S01E04: "I Think His Name Is Baxter Stockman"

Baxter Stockman is an iconic Turtles character. I know him best from the 1987 version of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, where he was a goofy and belittled (and white) scientist who was turned into a mutant fly after Shredder got fed up with the failures of Stockman's Mouser robots. In the comics and the 2003 animated series, Stockman was a black man, still used the Mouser robots, but also became a cyborg (he turned into other things, too, in the 2003 series; it was a very grim go-round for the character).

This series sticks closer to the comics and the 2003 incarnation but blends in the dweeby loser aspect of the character from the 1987 version. Here, Stockman's a loser who was fired for pouring toner on top of the copier—so he constructed a robotic battle suit to try to get revenge. His first suit was a wash, and the turtles easily defeated him, even going so far as to pop the guy in a dumpster.

After Stockman took advantage of the Tpod, the AI-based music player that Donnie rigged up, Stockman got himself a deadly robotic suit and properly began his rampage (his return to his office, and the sudden lack of fear among his old co-workers, was the episode's brief highlight). The episode faltered from that point on as the (groan) Stockmanpod grew to resemble just a big toaster with a... mouth (?) that looked like the mouth of a Mouser (the Mouser head still made an appreciated appearance).

This episode was just dull. The Stockmanpod's design didn't stir up much excitement, and the climactic battle was kind of silly (the first battle was decent). I mean, Stockman was defeated by shoving a beehive (bringing back the unfunny bit of physical comedy from the start of the episode) in his viewport. That was lazy—this battlesuit AI can do all sorts of crazy things, but it can't put a translucent plate over Stockman's face?

I imagine Stockman will be back, somehow, so I'll be curious to see where the show goes with him from here. He's clearly not very smart (he doesn't understand toner, after all) and he doesn't have his suit any longer. So what's next for him?

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Saturday Night Live S38E05: "Bruno Mars"

Like most people, when I think comedy I think Bruno Mars. The name is synonymous with hilarity. If you look up "comedy" in the encyclopedia (I think there may be one or two encyclopedias left somewhere in the Midwest), you will see Bruno Mars' headshot, resting his chin on his hand just smiling at you, all like, "I am comedy." Okay, I can't continue with this dumbness, because it's not really fair to claim that all SNL hosts have to be comedically talented or have any background whatsoever in making people laugh. That'd be disingenuous. This show has had hosts who were sports stars, politicians, Britney Spears. People who aren't very funny normally! To me the only real eyebrow-raising element to Bruno Mars' gig was that he was invited to do double duty as host AND musical guest, a privilege usually only afforded to legends and superstars. To be polite, he's not quite those things (yet, anyway). But now that we've seen what Bruno Mars can do in a wig, the joke's on us: He did a pretty good job! If the episode overall wasn't quite up to par, it had less to do with Mars and more to do with just being an off-night for SNL in general. You know? It's allowed. But there were some excellent moments, so let's talk about them!

[Apologies to international readers for these embedded clips, Hulu can be a bit of a jerk.]

This loose parody of the second presidential debate was one of my favorite political sketches SNL has done in a while. It alternated between absurd and scathing, but mostly it was just really high-energy and unpredictable. Jay Pharoah's getting better and better at impersonating President Obama, but Jason Sudeikis's Mitt Romney remains pretty awesome. I loved the bumbling, occasionally aggressive Long Islanders in the audience and Mitt's son Tagg attempting to fight Obama. Much like the debate this sketch inspired, it was slightly invigorating to see these two characters going at it. Like, I LOLed when Pharoah's Obama called Romney "Casper." There was just something so inappropriate yet cathartic about seeing them be so terrible to each other. The Tom Hanks cameo was pretty great also. Love that guy. He's going to be famous someday.

If you can't say it, just sing it! This was a charming monologue. Mars first sang a ballad about being nervous about hosting, then it turned into a full-band romp about how awesome he'd do. Good times. And from such a tiny, tiny man.

The pitfalls of parodying something that was already hilarious were illustrated here, where Taran Killam's normally awesome Brad Pitt impersonation still couldn't stack up to how weird the original Chanel ad is. Plus, the quiet tone and overall weirdness got a relatively stony reaction from the studio audience.

This sketch made me laugh even though it had basically no point. Obviously anytime Bobby Moynihan is in drag it's going to make me laugh, but the true star of this thing was Bruno Mars' trampy teen girl. At this point I was like "OH THAT'S why he's hosting." He's genuinely hilarious in certain situations! I'm still not sure I got the premise of this sketch—talk show guests shouting at and being shouted at by an audience—but I probably could've watched a 15-minute version of it and not grown bored. I think I just like it when people shout at each other.

Oh, this was going to be a series of ads! Of the four of these that would air throughout the show (all of which seemed to lull the audience into a state of quiet contemplation), this was probably the best one. First for shaking off the Chanel connection and making the joke that Brad Pitt will endorse anything, but also because Taco Bell makes me laugh in almost any situation. I don't mean to be controversial but I don't think those Dorito tacos are very good. The Dorito shell gets too soggy and few things are as upsetting as a soggy Dorito. Sorry!

This one is obviously not online because it would cost roughly a billion dollars in licensing fees, I'm guessing. But it employed one of the stupidest premises of all time and was still somehow watchable. In a comically dumb-looking Pandora Radio headquarters set, some unspecified disaster happened that required a shy intern to step up to the mic and sing popular favorites. I don't know either! But if that's the kind of set-up it takes to get Bruno Mars to do impressions of Billie Joe Armstrong or Michael Jackson, then that's okay I guess. This was glorified karaoke, but it was still kind of fun. Also I liked that the intern died at the end. Poor fella! (Spoiler.)

Well, this was probably my favorite thing that aired all night, which is only notable for the fact that it wasn't even trying to be funny. No, "Sad Mouse" was more like a melancholy short film in which a distraught man gets a job as a Times Square furry but can't quite get it together enough to be cheerful. I'm sure people were confused as to what was happening here, but I would love for SNL to branch out more into weird things like this. It was an unexpected bit of art hidden amongst a bunch of otherwise predictable sketches. Really dug this.

Bruno Mars got new music, y'all! Look, I don't know much about this little gentleman, just that his song "Grenade" had lyrics that made me cringe and get angry. Don't hurt yourself that badly over someone you like! Unacceptable! But these new songs definitely have a more modern feel, as though Mars decided to leave behind the heavy retro quality of his previous work. Yeah, this was a fun song. I expect it will be featured in a lot of TV commercials in the future.

I only really like Seth Meyers' Weekend Update routine when he keeps things topical and scathing. Too much of his jokes are based on weird, obscure stories that would've been funny anyway, so it's like shooting comedy fish in a comedy barrel. But in segments like this, I think Meyers has a good mind for super-harsh political jokes, and I appreciate that. I still don't care much for his fratty smugness, but I'm big enough to admit that he was on his game here.

"New York's hottest club is [Cat hiss]... [Cat hiss]. This club has everything: Ghosts, ghouls, goblins, my son." Stefon's still got it, you guys. Even in this segment where Bill Hader spent a majority of the time laughing behind his hands, I was still cracking up so much. "Hobocops . . . Homeless robocops." Perfect.

Aaaaaaaahhh! How had they never done this sketch for Halloween before? Killam's mouth movements are so horrifying. And it was awesome how Tom Hanks was slightly cross-eyed at the end. This sketch was as silly as it was genuinely unsettling, and I loved that about it.

Here was the third Brad Pitt ad. It was fine. Can't believe there were four of these. Did they just absolutely kill in dress rehearsal or something?

A young couple was warned by locals that the area is plagued by a Yeti rapist. You could kind of see where this sketch was going, and when it got there you were like, "Yup, pretty much." Bruno Mars tried his best with his eye patch-enhanced dramatic stare, but overall this thing just didn't work. Sorry, yeti rape enthusiasts!

At this point I was so over it that I had no idea what Pitt was endorsing and didn't even care. Was Dr. Z some kind of New York inside joke? I don't live there.

And now it was ballad time! This was a good song to get into your jammies and brush your teeth to.

Another in the long-running "Gathering of the Juggalos" parodies, but this one was about a political gathering for young people called "Donkey Punch the Vote." Overall the sketch was insanely hit-or-miss, but its pacing was so fast and the jokes were so dense that for every total stinker there'd be a truly hilarious bit mixed in. But I did appreciate the energy. A for energy.

You know, it's getting to the point where it barely even merits discussion how a host did or didn't do. By design, hosts are increasingly inessential to an average SNL episode, existing mostly to do a monologue and show up as an extra in certain sketches. In this regard, I thought Bruno Mars did a great job as a supporting player. The guy clearly has comic timing, plus a virtuosic performance instinct. Unfortunately the SNL format (and material) just didn't come through for him. While I liked certain things about this episode, I continued to gravitate toward the unexpected ("Sad Mouse") or just plain pointless ("Haters") and Mars was a prominent part of both of those. So yeah, I never thought I'd say this, but Bruno Mars was one of the best things about this episode! R.I.P. Me.

(Oh, and P.S. LOUIS C.K. IS HOSTING THE NEXT EPISODE. TELL EVERYBODY!)

How did YOU think Bruno Mars fared? What was your favorite sketch of the night?

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Dexter S7E04: "Run"

I've spent most of my reviews of Dexter this season talking about the much-improved writing and plotting, but after watching tonight's episode, I realized that I've been missing out on praising another cog in the show's machine: the performances. More specifically, Jennifer Carpenter has been tremendous through these four episodes. Like, Emmy-level tremendous.

Interestingly, when I told a bunch of my friends they should check back in with the show this season, so many of them noted that they didn't want to not because of the horrid writing or lack of overall progression, but because they couldn't deal with Carpenter's Deb anymore. While I think Carpenter's performance ebbed and flowed in the early seasons, much of that had to do with the writing of the character. And no matter the reason for past weaknesses, Carpenter and Deb have been the best part of the show for the last few years. Michael C. Hall is always great, but when Dexter entered something of a holding pattern, Carpenter picked up a lot of slack.

The show is working so well this season because the writers have finally realized that this is just as much Deb's story as it is Dexter's. That balance has improved the core of the show and given Carpenter quality material to match her ever-improving performance.

In some ways, Dexter has found its rhythm in the same way that Carpenter has. After years of over-the-top stories and Deb irrationally screaming and yelling about everything, Season 7 has been much calmer (well, in the main story; let's just not think about Speltzer and his bull horns)... as has Deb. She's upset, confused, and probably a little terrified, but those emotions have manifested in measured and probing questions—not a string of F-bombs. That interpretation of the character fits Carpenter, who does fine work with her face and eyes and has learned to embody Deb's years of trauma in a more internal way.

"Run" focused a little more on Dexter's side of the Morgan siblings' ideological debate and handcuffed Carpenter with a silly dream sequence involving a bathtub full of blood and more controversial feelings, but she still made everything work well enough.

This episode progressed the tension between Deb and Dex in a smart, logical way (I feel like I've used those words to describe this show more often in four episodes this season than I ever did in the previous 72). Though she's fed up with the rehab plan, Deb has begun pondering questions about Dexter that are completely valid, like whether his relationship with Rita was real, how Rita died, and what it means for Dexter to be a father. So she's gone from worrying about how Dexter can fix himself to recognizing that if he doesn't, that probably means (and previously meant) bad things for those close to him. It sort of staggering how much sense that line of thinking makes.

And because the show has decided to explore this tension in such a calm but confrontational way, Deb and Dex's conversations—particularly those in that narrow alley; the show has done a great job on the blocking of those scenes—have yet to feel repetitive. Deb is raising questions that need to be answered and to his credit, Dexter has been very willing to answer them while holding his ground. Carpenter and Hall both portray their characters' frustrations with each another without going too far into histrionics.

Moreover, I quite liked how "Run" showed us the toll these issues are taking on both of them. While she has been overly patient with Dexter, Deb's frustrations erupted with Speltzer, first during his interrogation and then out in the field when he was released because of shoddy police work and started following her. There is a sense that she is hot over the Speltzer case for two reasons: First because the monster dodged a murder charge because the uniforms failed to get an acknowledgement of his Miranda rights, and second because she knows that none of this would have been a problem had she just let Dexter take Speltzer out before. Deep down, she knows that Dexter's way has value, especially when the police fail. And although I think Carpenter does better work when playing Deb at a lower emotional register, the more explosive reactions to Speltzer provided a nice contrast.

For Dexter, this episode was all about doubling down on proving himself right without necessarily ignoring Deb's concerns. With Speltzer out on the street, Dexter again took it upon himself to put an end to the monster's life. But at the same time, he also recognized that it might be time to send Harrison to Orlando (even for just a bit—but we know it'll be longer, right?) and get rid of the blood slides. So he wants to keep killing, but he's starting to grow more self-aware about what that killing means. Maybe Deb's prodding is taking hold after all?

But by the end of the episode, Deb had finally come around to Dexter's perspective. I loved that he actually brought her to the kill location and I adored the sense of wonder and weird satisfaction on Deb's face throughout that final scene in the car. When she asked if Dexter did it for her, Carpenter's little smile was probably the single greatest piece of acting she's done on the show.

I don't know where the rest of the season is heading but after four episodes, it's clear that Dexter has a great grasp on this story. The writing is sharp and the performances are even better. Deb's knowledge isn't just a plot contrivance that keeps Dexter from doing his typical stuff. It is a purposeful agent that's had real consequences and impact on both the show and its title character. To this point, Dexter has explored the ideological differences between Dexter and Deb without picking a side. But I'm curious to see whether Deb's realization at the end of "Run" means another big shift is coming. And whatever that shift might be, for the first time in forever, I'm actually confident that Dexter can pull it off.

– Yvonne Strahovski's Hannah made a quick appearance, just long enough to flirt with Dexter and look amazing in a dress. It's still unclear why that story matters, but she and Hall have great chemistry.

– Isaak's "Revenge for Viktor" Tour took an interesting turn this week, as it seems the former's feelings for the latter were a bit more passionate than we first thought. We pretty much already know how this story will end, but that's a nice little shading to the character. Ray Stevenson has been good as well.

– Quinn defending the stripper as a "dancer" was my cue to not give a damn about that story ever again.

– Jamie might just spend a few days in Orlando, guys. She apparently has nothing else to do.

– The Speltzer case allowed the show to indulge its creepier, more bombastic side, which is fine. The elaborate maze/trap things were fun enough.

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What to watch on Monday, October 22...

Hey you! Yeah, you—the one with the bumpy, grumpy mad-face. Don't be bummed that it's Monday, because tonight brings with it the third and final presidential debate! Which, if you're into politics—hey, you get to watch a presidential debate tonight! And if you're not into politics—hey, after tonight there won't be any more presidential debates to mess with your TV lineup! Of course, baseball might still mess with your TV lineup. But hey, if you're into baseba—what? You just want to know what else is on tonight? Right. Okay:

8pm, The CW
90210
In "It's All Fun and Games," the gals get into some "irresponsible fun"... which appears to involve Adrianna encouraging Silver to do some kind of bungee-cord thing on the beach. Meanwhile, Alec smooches on Naomi. Oh, and there's also some detective asking about Vanessa's whereabouts. Ruh-roh!

SEASON 2 FINALE, 8pm, Syfy
Alphas
Fans of Summer Glau will get another dose of the actress in tonight's Season 2 finale of Alphas, "God's Eye," in which a desperate Dr. Rosen tries to track down Stanton Parish for some final words (intense!), all while suffering vivid hallucinations of his daughter. Meanwhile, the rest of the team members find themselves battling time in order to stop the immortal villain from carrying out his deadly plans (mwaahhahaha!).

SEASON 1 FINALE, 8pm, ABC Family
Switched at Birth
In tonight's season finale, "Street Noises Invade the House," Bay and Zarra find themselves in a dangerous situation. Meanwhile, the big trial with the hospital ends with a shocking conclusion and the relationship between Daphne and Jeff is revealed.

SEASON PREMIERE, 9pm, Logo
RuPaul's All Stars Drag Race
Many of your favorite queens in the history of RuPaul's Drag Race will return for the ultimate drag competition in tonight's premiere of RuPaul's All Stars Drag Race. Who's excited?

LIVE, 9pm Eastern/6pm Pacific, NBC, ABC, CBS, FOX, CNN, MSNBC, C-SPAN, PBS
Presidential Debates
The third and final debate! President Barack Obama and Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney will square off one last time tonight at Lynn University in Boca Raton, Florida, so we can only assume there will be plenty of cringeworthy confrontation between the candidates to cap things off before voters head to the polls in November. "Face the Nation" host Bob Schieffer will moderate.

10:30pm, MTV
The Inbetweeners
In "Reading Gives You Wings," our boy Simon tries to school his girlfriend on her stealing habits. Meanwhile, Will organizes some kind of protest against the school library. And maybe something about Red Bull, if the episode title is any indication?

LATE-NITE HIGHLIGHTS:
Tom Hanks and Tony Bennett on Late Show with David Letterman, 11:35 p.m., CBS
Halle Berry and Ali Wentworth on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, 11:35 p.m., NBC
Gerard Butler, Madeleine Stow, and Wu-Tang Clan on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, 12:37 a.m., NBC
Bryan Cranston on The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson, 12:37 a.m., CBS

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The Walking Dead S03E02: "Sick"

As great of a clinic on zombie killing as the Season 3 premiere of The Walking Dead was, we knew it was just a tease of things to come, like the face is but a mere appetizer to tasty human brains for a zombie. Outta the way, face! But "Sick" was better than brains. It was one of the most complete episodes of The Walking Dead yet because it spilled plenty of blood and zombie guts, added serious threats from non-zombies, and featured family drama without ever losing stride. And dare I say the series is on its way to redeeming Lori (also known as That F*cking Stupid Bitch)? I dare, and I say, I say! This episode may ultimately be lost among the bigger events of the series, but in terms of execution, I'm giving "Sick" two huge severed-thumbs-from-ripping-your-hand-out-of-handcuffs up. Season 3 has started off crazy good.

I had to use the defibrillator on myself a few times while watching "Sick" because The Walking Dead is playing by its own set of twisted "F*ck you, TV!" rules. And it's using its own playbook to its advantage in criminally delightful ways. As a man who watches more television than is healthy for human consumption, one of the best compliments I can bestow upon show is to admit that I have no idea what's coming (Breaking Bad and Homeland are particularly great at this). After two seasons and an episode, The Walking Dead really has lived up to its lofty boasting of "If you're on the show, you may die." Shane, Dale, Jim, Dr. Jenner, Otis, Michael Raymond James, his friend, Randall the hick hostage, Andrea's sister, that one zombie, and even darling little Sophia have all been relieved of the pain of surviving the zombie apocalypse by running into Death's bony arms. And all these deaths have conditioned us to expect death. How many shows on TV do that nowadays? The credits should just read "guest star" for everyone!

That's why when Hershel opened his eyes with life—the real kind, not the breaking-the-rules-of-nature kind—I was surprised! I, along with pretty much everyone else (I suspect), thought Hershel would depart this realm for the big boring farm in the sky where he could drink himself silly and tell strangers to camp outside for eternity, especially when Maggie was saying her goodbye and especially especially when Lori was giving him mouth-to-mouth (Lori, always cheating on Rick!). We expected Hershel to die because The Walking Dead has established that it's absolutely willing to kill off familiar characters, but the show fooled us by letting him live. This is The Walking Dead taking the expectations seared into our minds after years of predictable television and locking them in a closet somewhere. It's a game of deliberate inconsistency perfectly played to keep us off balance, and I'm definitely falling into its trap.

With casualties a regular occurrence, The Walking Dead isn't afraid to twirl the revolving door and introduce new characters. It seems to do this in groups, loading up a few folks with dialogue to put them on a path toward being a major character. I'd argue that technically we met every single major character except Rick this way, with the heartiest parts of each group glomming onto Rick's nucleus to form a super group, while the weak were left behind or eaten by someone's expired science teacher.

So when Rick buried his machete halfway into the basal ganglia of the prisoners' surly de facto leader Tomas—a man who had been puffing his chest and talking up a storm—it was another case of the normal rules of television don't apply to The Walking Dead. Similarly, when Tomas opened up Big Tiny's head like a can of stewed tomatoes, I shouldn't have been surprised. But I was! Big Tiny was likely the televised version of Dexter, a character from the comics with a similar gargantuan girth, who lasted a lot longer in the comics than Big Tiny did on the show. I'm probably making a big deal about this, but this series is purposefully trying to scramble our brains. It saved a character we all thought would die (Hershel), it killed a character we thought was going to be a major foil for Rick for at least a few episodes (Tomas), and it killed two characters (Big Tiny and another comic character, Andrew) that fans of the comic were sure would last a little longer.

But back to Rick murdering Tomas, real quick. Last week we saw Rick as the drill sergeant orchestrating the great prison break IN, and really putting his mind to the task of doing anything that would keep his group alive. Rick has obviously changed since he killed Shane, and killing Tomas raised our understanding of the man he is now. Rick no longer has an "us (humans) against them (zombies)" attitude; he has an "us (my peeps) against everyone else (everyone else) attitude," forged from his experience in the bar last season and strengthened over the winter. Zombies, humans, it don't matter. The only people Rick can trust are those in his group, and frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't trust them all that much, either, and maybe vice versa. I like this Rick. This Rick is almost a little like (pause for dramatic effect) Shane, and you know how much I loved Shane.

But unlike Shane, Rick is no longer interested in humping Lori. Rick and Lori's talk on the prison bridge was probably one of the most earnest moments between the two in the series thus far. And for the first time, it felt like honest-to-goodness traditional passive-aggressive family drama and not just shouting (and whisper-shouting when Carl was around) and overacting. This was well-written and well-performed material. "For the record, I don't think you're a bad mother," Rick backhanded ever so gently across Lori's cheek, like he was wearing a fancy glove. "Well, wife is a different story," conceded Lori. And then she joked about getting lawyers for a divorce, and it was kind of funny? This horrible global event has given her a decent sense of humor?

For once, Lori said something that didn't make me want to put her head through plate glass. In fact, Lori has been pretty great all season long and I can't believe I just typed that either. Even her freakout last week about a zombie baby snacking on her spleen from the inside and begging Hershel to put a screwdriver through her skull without hesitation in case something went wrong was cool. And what she said tonight: "I know I'm a shitty wife and I'm not winning any mother-of-the-year awards," really sounds like dialogue written by writers with a goal of fixing one of the show's weakest points: Lori's standing with the viewers. It's amazing how much your opinion of a character can change when she's not crashing cars, unreasonably guilt-tripping Rick, or unreasonably guilt-tripping Shane. If this season of The Walking Dead can make Lori tolerable, it might just be the greatest thing TV has ever done, way ahead of broadcasting the moon landing and Futurama's "Luck of the Fryrish." Keep it up, Lori! Anyway, I'd love to hear your opinion on Lori in the comments section, because I need to make sure I'm not insane.

Though I'm not the Lori-hater I used to be, Rick has apparently taken my place. He left with a, "We're grateful for what you did," referring to caring for Hershel, but he couldn't even put her in his peripheral vision. That was really cold stuff, maybe even colder than what he did to Tomas. This drama feels real. I'm into post-Shane bad times for Rick Grimes, because now Rick has the upper hand and Lori knows it. But mostly, this is palpable drama that doesn't need to spelled out for us through boring monologues.

There are so many improvements this season I don't even know where to begin. After spending much of its first two seasons as television's "show with the most potential," The Walking Dead is starting to climb up the most important list of all: my current Top 5.

NOTES

– Lauren Cohan, actress! She's getting better and better as Maggie, and could be moving up the Hollywood escalator.

– Interesting to see the tables turned between Maggie and Beth. In Season 2, it was Beth who was ready to give up. Here, Beth was keeping the faith, while Maggie was telling Hershel to go ahead and croak.

– I've always wanted a walk-in toilet.

– There were a lot of zombies outside the door when last week's episode ended, but there weren't a lot of zombies outside of the door when this week's episode began.

– Who the eff was creeping on Carol outside in the yard? The Guv'nah? A spy of the Guv'nah? And wow, Carol practicing C-section techniques on zombie corpses? I'm with Glenn, it makes sense, but...

– Hey no Andrea or Michonne this week but I didn't notice, and actually this episode was better for it. I would not be opposed to a full episode of Andrea and Michonne (and the Guv'nah) next week, so if you're reading this Glen Mazzara, go ahead. We'll wait.

– One thing this show could do over and over that I'd like to see over and over is Rick breaking the news to people that the world is totally gone, like he did with the prisoners. I never get tired of that, though coming up with believable scenarios will eventually get pretty tough.

– Getting a good on-screen zombie kill count was tough because of tricky editing, but it was another big one. I estimated "Sick" at about 32 kills. That's almost 100 in the first two episodes. I will not complain about this. I will not.

– This week's face-ripping-off-during-riot-mask-removal zombie was an escape-from-handcuffs-by-peeling-arm-bone-out-of-skin-sack zombie. Two words to describe that gore: awesome awesome.

– Episode MVP: Not even close, it's gotta be Rick. But weigh in for yourself below!

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Boardwalk Empire S03E06: "Ging Gang Goolie"

While I've been enjoying this season of Boardwalk Empire quite a bit, we are now halfway through it and there's one big problem that keeps bothering me: Nucky's story doesn't make a lick of sense. Every week, he seems like a different person than he was the episode before, and the show is struggling to create any through-line between his various characterizations.

And it is not like the situations Nucky finds himself wrapped up in each week have been uninteresting. I might question a single choice here and there, but the odd flaws make Nucky a compelling center on a show with a lot of things going on. However, when you start thinking about the bigger picture and what Terence Winter and company have in mind for their lead, the weekly pleasures fade and the problems appear. It's almost as if Nucky is at the whim of the writers' needs in any given episode.

One week, he's in full-gangster mode. The next, he's hiding in New York. Then he's tough again. Then he's not. I'm willing to buy that the character is troubled and that his issues manifest in weird ways, but at a certain point, character inconsistency becomes a writer issue more than anything else. After six weeks, I think we've reached that point.

"Ging Gang Goolie" brought us a more inspired and dedicated Nucky, which is fine except that the episode didn't feature Rothstein or Gyp. There was barely any fallout from last week's bloodbath and instead, Nucky bounced around New York City and Washington D.C. trying to fix his political problems.

He traveled to NYC to make his payment to Gaston Means, only to find no one around in the hotel room with the fishbowl. Suspicious, Nuck then scooted over to D.C. to talk shop with Attorney General Harry Daugherty, only to learn that Daugherty was close to indicting him so that he wouldn't have to throw his friends under the bus. Despite Nucky's protestations, Daugherty meant business, going as far as to make sure Nucky got arrested for buying a bottle of booze.

After spending a night in jail—and missing Billie's opening in the process—Nucky faced off with Esther Randolph, the Assistant U.S. Attorney who came after him in Atlantic City. Though she wanted Nuck to go down hard, he paid the measely fine (five bucks!) and then decided to use Randolph's ambition to his advantage, asking her to help him take down the supposed bigger fish like Daugherty and his buddy George Remus.

This is the version of Nucky that seems the most natural. The political maneuvering, the somewhat-smug posturing in hopes of obtaining just a little more power (or slinking out of a sticky situation), it all sits on Nucky quite well. The gangster stuff, the more obvious intimidation games? Not so much. Steve Buscemi has been doing good work this season with the uneven material he's been given, but it seems to me that he's also most comfortable when playing Nucky in these kinds of situations. Boardwalk Empire is very good at getting Nucky into troublesome circumstances that he has to charm, pay, or scheme his way out of, and although that might seem somewhat repetitive, it still works better than the more inconsistent characterization we've seen thus far.

But that's the rub, right? There have been other episodes this season that did compelling things with Nucky, only to have them be somewhat shoved away the following week (remember when he spent an entire episode seeing little Jimmy?). The events of this episode suggest that Nucky's team-up with Randolph will continue throughout the rest of the season, but I also would've thought there'd be substantive blowback from the Benny-Rosetti shootout in this episode as well. Perhaps this unbalanced storytelling is a direct result of the show's ever-increasing scope and cast of characters—the first 10 or so minutes of this episode sped through a handful of locations with unabashed speed—or perhaps the writers are trying to purposefully construct a story about Nucky ignoring certain parts of his life so that he can focus on others. Both seem like logical answers, but something needs to give with Nucky. Either the show can't portray him in this disjointed fashion anymore, or it has to give us a reason for why it's doing so.

Much like the slowly burning embers of Nucky's crusade against the Attorney General, the rest of "Ging Gang Goolie" saw a number of other characters making big and curious choices that should have a dramatic impact on their lives. And for whatever reason, they all involved love and lust.

The most impressive of these stories was Gillian's, with her troubled feelings over Jimmy's "departure." She finally decided to take down the countless photos of him in the house—I'm sure all the gentlemen who frequent her establishment sure did love doing their thing while Jimmy Darmody's blank mug stared back at them—a move that points toward her moving on. But because this is Gillian we're talking about, she followed up the picture-removal by prowling the boardwalk for a Jimmy replacement and whaddaya know, she found Roger from Evansville, Indiana (Hoosiers represent!), who just happened to have the same horrid haircut as Jimmy. So, Gillian sexed him real good and decided to call him James. Hoo boy is this lady dysfunctional, and Gretchen Mol has done a nice job this season of portraying her demented psyche with low-key vigor.

Margaret ended the episode in the same place as Gillian, but took much more Margaret-y ways to get there. When the greenhouse caught fire and there was suspicion that her son Teddy started the blaze, Margaret begrudgingly spanked him (seriously, I think it hurt her more than it did him). Unfortunately, Owen discovered that Teddy didn't actually do it and his story about a gypsy was actually true, leading Margaret to have a minor breakdown and decide that "now" was just as good a time as any to seduce Owen again. There was less drama involved this time since Margaret and Nucky are on the outs anyway, but I have to imagine that Nucky will find out—heck, she might tell him herself—and considering the already-present tension between Owen and Nucky, this could get interesting.

And finally, Richard Harrow, romantic. He's got a little crush on the daughter of a drunken war vet. That's cute. I'm more intrigued by his nostalgia over his sister and whether or not we'll see her this season. Richard's been really aimless without Jimmy around (like so many other characters), so hopefully this development injects some life into his presence on the show.

It's been tough to evaluate Boardwalk Empire this season. Most episodes have been good, with last week's pretty clearly standing out from the pack. But there's such a weird disconnect between certain plots, particularly those related to Nucky, that it's difficult to get too excited about the successes of one episode because it could all be washed away in a week. "Ging Gang Goolie" was another strong effort, and one that suggests some big, compelling things to come. Hopefully the show follows through on them.

– Like so many characters on Boardwalk, Gaston Means' only allegiance is to himself. He might be backing Daugherty, he might be willing to help Nuck take him down. Who knows?

– I especially enjoyed the D.C. judge who was well aware of the stupidity and impotency of Prohibition and prosecution against individual usage.

1. TIE: Nucky and Daugherty (both previously unranked): These guys are coming after one another and although Daugherty has the power of the U.S. government behind him, Nucky always finds a way to punch back. Grabbing Randolph to help him was a sly move by Nuck.

3. Gillian (previous rank: N/A): Nobody manipulates a man with a terrible hairstyle like Ms. Darmody.

4. Margaret (previous rank: 3): She mishandled her kid a little, sure, but you have to admire how she steadfastly ignored Nucky's platitudes and hollow attempts to "talk." And then she stole Owen away from Megan and the nosy neighbor! By the way, Marge is the only character who appeared in the Power Rankings every week so far this season. This is important.

5. That Glib Judge in D.C. (previous rank: N/A): I can't overestimate how much I loved this guy. He says LOL to your Prohibition, U.S. government.

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Geez, has another week gone by already? Well, let's talk about some of the awesome and not-so-awesome TV that aired during it, then!

The ABC comedy returned with a talent show full of funnies: The Shays' silly cat dance to "Stray Cat Strut" and Malik's Medium homage reminded us that this series can be totally weird when it wants to be.

Too bad the guys who made it didn't think to invite Aaron Paul to participate.

After a badass silent opening, the episode moved quickly and had tons of action, with just the right amount of personal drama. Plus it set up an interesting new home for the main characters. And ZOMG zombies in riot gear!

It's not hard to believe that transitioning from a human into a vampire has its downsides. But this week's episode of TVD (which was genuinely fantastic) made it very clear: Being a vampire can be awful sometimes!

Your mileage may vary on this one, but fans of Teen Wolf or The Secret Circle (R.I.P.) must have been straight-up elated this week when the actor behind everybody's favorite hunter of witches and werewolves showed up in the Hamptons to hassle one of TV's most annoying characters (Declan obvs.) Fingers crossed for a violent showdown!

It's almost too early to single out any one element from American Horror Story: Asylum's premiere as it felt more like an expensive appetizer plate than an actual meal, but there's one thing nobody can deny: This thing has the best cast on television. From Jessica Lange's scenery chewing to Chloe Sevigny's commitment to being committed, there are no weak links.

New category! Because even if it is too early to single stuff out from the premiere, the episode as a whole was definitely "For the what the F?"!

In a flashback, Oliver's dad washed up on shore and was being eaten by menacing seagulls! So Oliver fought them off... and then he puked.

Vulture recognized the ridiculousness of last week's Homeland and added a laugh track to Brody's bad day.

Animal Practice was starting to pick up steam, and we're sad to see it go. Because let's face it: We'd choose Justin Kirk, Tyler Labine, and Crystal the Monkey over Whitney Cummings any day.

This was an especially rough week for one celebrity couple: The same day JoAnna Garcia learned that her new show Animal Practice was canceled, her husband Nick Swisher—an outfielder for the New York Yankees—was swept out of the playoffs after his team's terrible performance against the Detroit Tigers.

What made your list of TV loves and hates this week?

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Grimm S02E08: "The Other Side"

In last night's episode of Grimm, "The Other Side," helicopter parenting ran amok as a Wesen kid took out his entire quiz team and Adalind surfaced in Europe to raise hell for Portland. However, the biggest question of the night came not from the story but from the episode's weird ending: Namely, why is Nick such a jerk?

"The Other Side" began with the ongoing saga of Juliette and Renard as she and Nick attended a ceremony honoring the captain and then Renard awkwardly drove Juliette home after Nick and Hank left for the A plot. We saw Renard's obsession had gotten worse as he stared at Juliette in the shower a la Psycho before stumbling off into the night and punching an innocent bystander in the face. Renard: 1, Grocery Man: 0!

Meanwhile, a high-school academic decathlon participant was brutally murdered and it wasn't long before another team member bit the dust, prompting Nick and Hank to believe the murderer was another teammate whose motive was to take out his competition. After they questioned team star Pierce—who was a Galapagos Tortoise Wesen—Nick and Hank found the decathlon coach murdered as well.

It turned out that Pierce's mother, a geneticist and total hard-ass—as her "do homework to take your mind off your friend's murder" approach to parenting proved—had tinkered with her son's DNA in-utero, adding genes of the Lowen (a super-aggressive Wesen) to give him an edge. The splicing created a Jekyll/Hyde personality; Pierce was now killing anyone who stood in the way of his decathlon greatness... without knowing. When he found out he'd done, he was devastated and tried to commit suicide, but ultimately Nick was able to save him. Although the poor boy ended up in prison, so maybe that wasn't such a kindness.

Everyone's favorite Hexenbiest returned as Adalind hooked up with Renard's Royal brother. From Ro-Bro we learned that Renard is half Hexenbiest, the son of their Royal father's Hexenbiest mistress. Renard and Monroe interacted at the spice shop as Renard sought a cure for his Juliette obsession, and the episode ended with Monroe delivering some bad news: Not only is there no singular cure, things are going to get worse for the captain.

While enjoyable, the episode's hard sci-fi twist of gene-tampering was not only difficult to swallow, it also brought up all sorts of new questions about the Wesen—questions the episode never answered—and served to point out how little we actually know about the Wesen world. For instance, if you can isolate and transplant the genes that make up individual Wesen species, can you get rid of them? Is being a Wesen something you can "cure?" Fundamentally, what is a Wesen and where did they come from?

Also, how is a prize-winning geneticist unable to afford a better lawyer for her son? I mean there were multiple witnesses to his split-personality insanity! He was obviously mentally unbalanced, so how's come Nick and Hank were fine with callously spitting platitudes about the deck being stacked against him as he was marched off to prison (and not juvie!)?

Up until the ending, "The Other Side" was a great Wesen-of-the-week episode that did a nice job of balancing Adalind's plotting and mythology with cop-procedural action. It was fun to see Monroe geek out about the spice shop and Hank get upset about the Grimms' bloody past. Plus Renard is such a strong character that I even liked the Juliette storyline. But Nick and Hank's cynical shrugging-off of a mentally unbalanced kid who desperately needed help not only felt out of character for both of them, it also destroyed the whole premise of Grimm—that Nick, despite being a Grimm, is still a good guy.

A good guy doesn't say, "Oh, well!" when a kid is thrown into jail instead of getting the psychiatric help he needs. A good guy doesn't learn that the kid's mother is the true culprit, in messing with her son mentally and genetically, and then casually watch as the kid gets thrown under the bus. A good guy would at least testify or something, right? After watching Nick cover up his own murders and bend the rules for his friends, seeing him not do anything for a Wesen who truly needs him is more than upsetting—it runs contrary to Nick's fundamental role on the show.

Last night Nick was the real bad guy, and this is a twist I neither like nor am confident that the writers of Grimm will explore past this episode.

QUESTIONS:

– Is that police station intern going to be a new main character? He's obviously going to be important, otherwise Grimm wouldn't have wasted a scene on him, right?

– Why are the Royals prejudiced against the Hexenbiests?

– As they are clearly not Hexenbiest, what type of Wesen are the Royals?

– If Pierce's Wesen species is from the Galapagos, why is he white?

– Does Rosalee just have a list of weird things Monroe needs to ask people walking into the shop, and if so, can I get a copy?

– What do you think will happen to Renard?

Grimm "The Other Side" Photos

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Elementary S01E03: "Child Predator"

I find child murder inappropriate for television. I hate to sound like an old killjoy yelling at everybody to get out of her yard, but while I can/have/love to watch murder mystery after horror movie after action film where over-18-year-olds get taken out like mice under a lawn mower, just the sight of a gloved hand gesturing for a child to get in a car is a little too much for me. Elementary tried to find a loophole in the old "Don't use the most heartbreaking crime on earth for entertainment value" rule last night with a twist: The child we saw kidnapped in the opening was actually the mastermind behind all the subsequent child captures and murders. Still, this is just NOT how I like to relax, folks. Aren't there enough compelling ways to kill grown-ups without ratcheting up the stakes to, "Someone has your little girl!"?

To be fair, its not like Elementary was intent on rendering the loss of a child with gritty realism a la The Killing. The parents of the kidnapped little girl were introduced to the audience a few seconds before their televised interview and then got really mad when Sherlock came in and brought the media junket to a screeching halt. Grieving parents need their screentime, okay?! As much as we all loved Sherlock for stopping the interview in the most aggressive way possible (spray paint on the camera lens! Someone tell Lindsay Lohan to carry spray paint in her car and tag paparazzi!):

...but like, why was the family giving interviews so soon? Redonk. And then later they told the police chief he would be the FIRST ONE they'd go after talking to "the press." We got the impression that the second call they made after calling the police was to a PR agency for representation. Simmer, grieving TV parents! Simmer.

As for spotting tiny details and weaving them into a damning narrative, last night's episode was one of the more successful ones we've seen so far. Sherlock's glance at the kitchen led to the discovery of an Anna Nicole-lookalike mistress.

A paint scratch on a parked car told a tale of the kidnapper's van (shudder shudder shudder) and the banter between Sherlock and Watson was simply adorable. "I thought I was just a cavernous expanse between two ears," Watson coyly whispered at one point. After last week effectively drove a wedge between the pair, this week was about Sherlock vocalizing what he likes about Watson and validating her role beyond all the "sobriety twaddle"—she provides a sounding board, she actively assists in supporting him rather than interfering with his process. (Also she's provided several integral clues in the last couple weeks, but that was glossed over.) And how adorable was it when they fell in step doing squats? Lucy Liu gets extra points for doing squats in high heels.

The person in this episode who got a million points was Johnny Simmons, who took a break from the big screen to step into this juicy/thankless role as a child child-murderer, a 19-year-old who was first kidnapped and then used his superior intellect to direct his abductor and commit more and more murders (shudder). He seriously knocked my socks off both as a vulnerable brainwashed abductee whispering sweet nothings across the table from Sherlock and also as a "lettin' the freak flag fly" psychopath with an immunity deal taunting Sherlock in the park. Not to mention that gracefully handled some rather clumsy exposition speeches. I almost felt sad when cops picked him up because having him around a couple more episodes as a small-arc nemesis could have been cool, but hopefully his schedule was too full. Hire him, Hollywood, is what I'm saying! He great!

About the sweet nothings... there was a lot of whispering in this episode. There was a point where they were all watching Adam from behind two-way glass, Aidan Quinn, Watson, and Sherlock, and just whispering up a storm. Two-way glass is soundproof, right? Or was the perp on the other side sitting there thinking, "Is someone swishing around a rain stick on the other side of that mirror? What is going on?"

There was also a full spectrum of topless men last night, the hugely built and fantastically furry JLM bien sûr but also the serial killer appeared topless at a kitchen table in a back brace and it was pretty upsetting. Although, note to casting director/hair person: You did not pick enough of a weirdo for this serial killer. No offense to the actor (in fact, take it as a compliment!) but this is just not the face of a weirdo serial killler:

But you know who WAS weirding it up? Sherlock, who must have been given the direction, "You're not just a tweaker this episode, you're a tweaker on no sleep. Play it BIG!" If you've ever been around someone so exquisitely manic that they haven't slept for four days, you know that the body pulls on weird reserves of energy, making them increasingly jumpy and skittish until it's exhausting to be around them (I know from personal experience, long story, don't ask). In an attempt to capture both this energy and the Sherlock Holmes exactness and precise-itude, JLM was whipping around people and spinning on his heel like a nervous high school kid giving a cheeky presentation he'd worked on for way too long in front of a class. Just pure nerve. Well done, JLM, and also knock it off JLM! You're making me skittish.

Also, as much as I'm warming up to JLM's Sherlock, I fantasize from time to time about the roles of Sherlock and Watson being reversed and Liu playing a cold, icy, Sherlock to JLM's hunky Watson. Sigh! #fantasyseriesreset

So to sum: Aside from the regrettable content of the mystery, the way it was handled and the dynamic between Watson and Sherlock showed real growth and promise. As usual I had almost no patience with the actual B-story mystery going on, but the increasing detail involved in the mysteries and the actors, the characters, and their very cozy flophouse keep me coming back. Also are you THIRSTY GUYS?! Because there were no bees in this episode and don't even tell me tea = honey. Need to see wings and hear buzzing, people. Bet a coke would taste PRETTY GOOD RIGHT NOW but alas, no bees.

QUESTIONS:

1. Child murder: should procedurals steer clear?

2. Johnny Simmons: a young, male Meryl Streep?

3. How tall is JLM ?

4. Would you feel invigorated or collapse with exhaustion if you did 100 squats in a row?

5. Should stars being stalked by paparazzi fight back by spraying paint on the paparazzi's cameras?

Elementary "Child Predator" Photos

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American Horror Story S02E01: "Welcome to Briarcliff"

Well, here we go. Ryan Murphy's dark caravan returned under the cover of darkness last night to set up its elaborate tents of untold horror. That's right, TV's craziest carnival is back and this time it's arguably even weirder, grimmer, and more unpleasant than its first season! Which is a compliment? I think?

American Horror Story: Asylum brings us all new characters, a new building, a new decade, and a new color scheme (charcoal!). But whereas Season 1 had mostly to do with spectral horrors, it's already clear that Asylum is more concerned with tangible monstrosities. Look, I need to be real with you guys. Can I be real for a second? You may recall that I did not love Season 1's premiere episode. As a lifelong horror fan, I recognized all of the elements and tropes Ryan Murphy was attempting to stitch together into a coherent narrative, but from its frenetic editing to the clashing story elements, it just didn't come together for me. I was straight-up baffled by a lot of it, to be honest. That being said, it left me interested and that interest never waned throughout the show's first season. In fact, it grew and blossomed into intense enjoyment and slight obsession. Boy did I end up loving how things turned out. Sure, AHS: Original Recipe hit a few bum notes with me (showing us the school shooting; the unnecessarily hateful gay couple), but when it ended I declared it a triumph. That's why I'm experiencing a bit of déja vu with this, the premiere of American Horror Story: Asylum: I didn't love it, but I am INTERESTED.

Assuming that "Welcome to Briarcliff" was less a complete episode of television and more like the overture to an insane 12-hour movie that may eventually cohere into an entertaining story, let's just appreciate the madness we've witnessed so far. Mind if I photo-recap this thing? I feel like photo-recapping this thing. Let's do it!

First of all, this ain't no joke, and it applies even to this recap:

Anyway, the story opened in the present day. Two horny newlyweds (Adam Levine, plus the lady who shares a bed with Channing Tatum in real life) were snapping photos of each other in front of an abandoned building while making sexy talk and the whole scene was filmed with Instagram filters:

At this point we got a bit of an info dump (via the main lady reading Wikipedia on her iPhone): The Briarcliff used to be a tuberculosis ward where 46,000 people died but it was eventually acquired by the Catholic church and turned into an insane asylum. Also at one point there was a slasher killer named Bloody Face who once lived here. (Honestly, if you need to know more about this place, go watch that documentary Cropsy since that seemed to be the main thing Ryan Murphy was ripping off paying homage to in this segment.)

Anyway, after the world's least sexy pair of haunted house nymphos interrupted their electroshock-chair quickie to investigate a mysterious sound, it should go without saying that they eventually wound up in front of an ironclad door, where she started doing sex to his crotchal area as he stuck a camera phone through the slot, only to get his arm ripped off by some unseen force. All that should go without saying.

Whoops! And that is how Adam Levine got his arm ripped off in the modern-day insane asylum.

So then the main story kicked in, and it began in 1964 in what I think was upstate New York, but I'm not sure because I was educated in the California public school system and the whole upper right part of our country's map is a mess and a mystery to me. All I know is, Evan Peters (who in Season 1 played Tate, a character I hated but every troubled teenager on Tumblr LOVED SO MUCH) now plays the new lead character Kit, a decent, hard-working gas station attendant with a Kennedy accent.

Right off the bat: Better haircut, better personality. Kit >>>> Tate. Unfortunately Kit's friends were NOT very cool.

Yeah, it's 1964, remember, and that fact would come into play A LOT during this episode inasmuch as it explained why the characters tended to behave monstrously toward one another. (I actually loved that: Sure, this show has aliens, forest monsters, and much worse, but the sheer fact of being alive in 1964 was presented as the ultimate horror.)

Kit had to endure his friends' violent racism because he himself was secretly married to a woman of color. Ugh, 1964. If these two hotties had to keep it on the down-low it was definitely a terrible era. (Fun fact, Kit's wife was played by Britne Oldford from MTV's Skins. Remember THAT disaster? She was basically the only thing about that show that wasn't awful, so I was very happy to see her here!)

Just gonna put this here:

So anyway, after some pre-dinner booty, Kit's reverie was interrupted by a BRIGHT LIGHT in the yard. After running outside with a shotgun to scare away potential racists, he had a Fire in the Sky UFO moment and ran back inside.

At this point he got stuck on the ceiling and then blacked out. We, on the other hand, got some quick flashes of aliens with inappropriate mouth shapes:

Aaaahhhh!! Aliens! Already I was way into this season.

Then we switched locations. Here's how the Briarcliff Asylum looked back in 1964:

It looked very coral! So here we followed an enterprising young lady reporter named Lana (Sarah Paulson, who played Billie the Lifetime psychic during S1) as she attempted to, I don't know, investigate whatever?

Oh, Pepper. Pepper might be the fall's newest breakout star, y'all! Also, she's a murderer.

A nun named Sister Mary Eunice (Lily Rabe, who played that flapper-lookin', baby stealing ghost in S1) met Lana and took her through the asylum.

It definitely looked like a good place for people to go and heal, you know? Like, this was totally a place to go and just chill. Recuperate. Get a new lease on life.

When we first met the head boss lady, Sister Jude (Jessica Lange, a walking masterpiece), she was shaving Chlöe Sevigny's head for real, so we knew this lady was serious.

Although Chlöe Sevigny was only credited as a "special guest star," her Shelley character was one of the best things about the whole episode. A clinical nymphomaniac, all her lines were dirty and/or helpful. Often both! Good character, obviously.

So yeah, then Lana pretended to interview Sister Jude about the asylum's famous bakery (which, LOL) only to immediately reveal she was there for some harder-hitting scoops. Especially with regard to the newest incoming inmate, a man allegedly behind the Bloody Face slashings of late. Sister Jude was NOT happy about Lana's duplicity.

Oh and yeah, spoiler alert, guess who was being pinned with the Bloody Face rap?

Poor Kit! There are bad weeks and then there are bad weeks. Alien abduction, wife getting murdered and skinned alive, false imprisonment, showing your butt on national television.

Congratulations, Evan Peters! You've just scored a whole new subgenre of Tumblrs! But yeah, you guys, please stop looking at Evan Peters' butt for a second and try to remember that this whole thing was traumatizing for Kit!

After a fire-hose shower and a de-lousing, Kit was strapped to a bed and given a condescending lecture by Sister Jude.

He attempted to explain that he hadn't been a slasher killer, only an alien abductee.

For her part, Sister Jude remained a wonderful representative of the Catholic church, espousing the greatness of the Lord while also lying, beating, and being totally racist and hateful toward her patients. Just trying to make the Baby Jesus proud, you know?

Fortunately Kit's experience at the asylum wasn't without highlights. For instance he met a saucer-eyed French girl named Grace (Lizzie Brocheré) who not only seemed kind, but also claimed to not be insane at all. So, that's credibility right there. Anyway, even this nice moment didn't prevent Kit from getting into a fistfight in the world's worst common room. Solitary confinement it was!

Then we met Dr. Arden (James Cromwell, who played Marcy the Realtor in S1) who seemed to be the asylum's resident mad scientist. The main thing about him was that he and Sister Jude despised each other, and her power over the facility ended at his doorstep. He was clearly doing his own thing, and it clearly involved feeding the patients to some unseen monstrosity, as in this near-subliminal image that flashed while he was denying everything:

So yeah, it was an interesting dynamic in that Sister Jude was clearly a villain, but Dr. Arden was probably an even bigger villain that she hated.

So in another big 1964 moment, we learned that Lana had a "roommate" (Clea Duvall, currently in theaters playing Argo in Argo) whom she enjoyed kissing on the mouth whenever the shades were drawn.

Here's a twist I did not expect: Sister Jude had some human flaws, and even an inner life full of wants and needs! For example, though she was a pious servant of the Lord and His mama, she still enjoyed everyday sensualities like wearing red unmentionables and weirdly putting on perfume and also frying bacon and gazing lustfully at her dreamy monsignor (Joseph Fiennes/Shakespeare).

As it turned out, the main man behind this asylum (and Sister Jude's diocese) had designs on becoming New York's Archbishop and after that the Pope! And in order to do those things he wanted to generate headlines (I guess) by turning Briarcliff into the world's most headline-grabbing asylum (or whatever). And that included allowing the in-house mad scientist to work his magic and create whatever headline-grabbing monstrosity he could (possibly). I don't know, this scene was more about subtext: Sister Jude would have literally done anything for a single shirtless hug from this guy.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, you guys. This was just a fantasy sequence. Stop undressing Jessica Lange with your eyes! Come on, get real. Never gonna happen. This isn't Red Shoe Diaries, fellas. Relax. Take a cold shower already.

So in addition to getting bossed around by Sister Jude, Sister Mary Eunice was also getting bossed around by Dr. Arthur, and in this scene he ordered her to go leave a bucket full of body parts out in some forest clearing where the sounds of monsters could be heard approaching. We saw nothing, but it was clear these things were REAL and not just Sigourney Weaver in a cloak. (Though those things DO sound similar.) After dumping the human gizzards and bolting back inside, Sister Eunice was intercepted by a snooping Lana, who blackmailed Sister Eunice into giving her a tour of the facility in the middle of the night for some reason. Just getting the scoop!

Meanwhile Dr. Arthur wanted to run experiments on Kit's brain because of how much evil must've been inside his "cute blonde melon." Haha, Dr. Arthur, you big flirt.

So yeah, this particular check-up did not look very fun. Very Clockwork Orangey. Also it reminded Kit mostly of how annoying his saucer-ride had been.

He did not have a good time, but he did have a GOO time. Because goo. Also alien busyfingers. Guys, I think Kit may have gotten buttsexed by an alien.

So then the doctor pulled out of Kit what was clearly an alien microchip. But it was kinda big, suggesting that even aliens had crappy technology in 1964.

And then LOLOLOL the chip grew legs and ran away! WTF x infinity?? Ryan Murphy you crazy for that one.

Meanwhile Lana was still snoopin' around. Shelley took a break from mouth-sexin' an orderly and directed her to the solitary confinement areas so that Lana could, I don't know, be a reporter?

But then a monster hand reached out and slammed her head against the door! (P.S. I think this is the same door that Adam Levine lost his arm to earlier, but I'm not sure, I'm not Sherlock.)

The next day Sister Jude eventually found out that Sister Eunice had helped Lana explore the facility and she was TICKED.

But since Sister Eunice had super low self-esteem, she just cut to the chase, brought Sister Jude her whippin' rod (the biggest one she could find in Sister Jude's whippin' rod closet) and even pulled down her unmentionables for Sister Jude's convenience.

But apparently Sister Jude gets annoyed when a bare-ass whippin' isn't HER idea, so she was like, "No way, girl." Oh well.

So then, a particularly horrible moment for Lana (and 1964, and US AS HUMANS): Sister Jude coerced Lana's ladyfriend into having Lana committed to the facility, in exchange for not outing her to her town.

Man, this was pretty hard to watch. Sister Jude didn't even really make that much sense: First she said the girlfriend couldn't visit Lana because she had no legal standing. Then she said that the girlfriend DID have legal standing to have her committed? I didn't get it. But Lana did:

Uh oh, Lana! But look at the bright side: If your memory is decent, you can REALLY get the inside scoop now. She can bust this whole story wide open like a lady Geraldo. (Which, no joke, he DID do to a particularly nightmarish mental health facility in Long Island. I'm not kidding, go watch Cropsy!)

As for the monster pit where Lana conked her head, Sister Jude came to check it out only to find Dr. Archer scrubbing and Febrezing the EFF out of it. Where'd that monster go, Doc? Sister Jude was now officially on the warpath and these two titans of awful looked to be headed for a clash!

Anyway, the episode then ended back in the modern day: Mrs. Channing Tatum was scrambling through the facility's hallways trying to find an exit for her poor, one-armed The Voice judge, and accidentally came face-to-face with the man of the hour!

AAAHHHH!! Bloody Face, you've over-exfoliated!!! No but seriously, this guy looked terrible. It's probably just a mask that the killer is wearing, but don't tell me it doesn't smell terrible. I think we're dealing with a lunatic here, guys. That's my theory.

So hey, I'm not trying to tell you this was a perfect hour of television. For one thing, it was edited like a Michael Bay film on Adderall. Relax, editors! Absolutely no atmosphere or tension can be developed when there's a cut every 1.5 seconds and half the shots are Dutch angles. When it comes to how this thing is filmed, I'd prefer more Shining and less Saw II, thank you. Slow it down. Creep us out. You can do it. But yeah, this WAS a great appetizer for a meal I really want to eat. Consider my ticket purchased!

QUESTIONS:

... Which actors are better in Season 2 than Season 1?

... Who exactly is the main character, anyway?

... Would you rather be abducted by aliens or wrongfully accused of mass murder?

... #BUTTS

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